Media Outlets Rush To Update Pending Sharon Obituaries

New York (AP) – A rapid deterioration of former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s condition has journalists scrambling to update their files in case the publication of an obituary becomes necessary in the coming hours or days.

Sharon, 85, suffered a stroke eight years ago that resulted in his current comatose state. The former general’s life closely follows many of the defining moments of Israel’s history and politics, including a dramatic shift on Jewish settlements that involved the withdrawal of all Israelis from the Gaza Strip in 2005. In keeping with industry practice regarding public figures, newspapers and other sources of current events news have long maintained files will all the pertinent details of his life in case the need arises to release an accounting of his life.

When doctors in Tel Aviv announced yesterday that Sharon’s kidneys were failing and that various other systems were in peril, newsroom personnel and interns across the globe hurried to review their current information on him. In most cases the obituaries were all but written years ago; when Sharon initially suffered the stroke in January 2006, a similar scramble occurred. Little needs to be added regarding the intervening years, save perhaps for details of his deterioration and references to the long-term results of his policies.

The effort to ensure the timely publication of a comprehensive, accurate obituary is much easier in this case for that reason, says Ed G. Yoomer, who writes about journalism industry practices. “There’s usually a constant monitoring of press releases, media reports, gossip sites, and official web sites to keep pending obituaries accurate,” he explains. “But with Ariel Sharon, that really hasn’t been necessary.” There hasn’t even been a death watch, as took place, for example, in the waning days of Spanish dictator Francisco Franco in 1975.

“A death watch itself becomes a media event and might be worthy of mention in an obituray,” says Yoomer. “But here, all the journalists have to do is wait for one little announcement, add a few details to the article, and just pull the plug.”

Not Attending Mandela’s Funeral: Queen Elizabeth, Dalai Lama, Hitler

Another public figure conspicuously absent from Mandela’s funeral, despite their closeness.

Pretoria, South Africa (AP) – Preparations for Nelson Mandela’s funeral next week have reached a fever pitch, with myriad world leaders and public figures scheduled to attend. But several prominent heads of state will be noticeably absent, and their expected lack of attendance has raised eyebrows.

Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom accepted her physician’s recommendation not to travel. The 87-year-old monarch has taken an increasingly private role in British public affairs as she ages. It was unclear Sunday whether her son Charles, the Prince of Wales and first in line for the throne, would attend in her stead.

The exiled leader of Tibet , the Dalai Lama, also announced that he would not travel to South Africa for the occasion, refraining from participating in the funeral as a show of protest at having been denied a visa to visit the country on two occasions. The Dalai

Correspondent On Diet Repeatedly Lapses Into Food Reverie While Reporting

Coral Gables, FL (AP) – Ever since she began a restrictive diet last month, Michelle Cowan, a correspondent for the Associated Press, has been unable to complete a sentence in her article submissions without lapsing into fantasies involving luscious chocolate desserts and other decadent gustatory experiences.

The reporter, 38, finally resolved over the summer to do something about the unsightly extra adipose tissue accumulating around her midsection, resembling in texture a brioche before it has been placed in the oven and baked to fluffy, buttery perfection. So she embarked on a strict regimen limiting her caloric intake to no more than 1500 calories in any 24-hour period, hoping to shed the extra weight within a reasonable amount of time and not be constantly consumed by unfulfilled thoughts of creamy, sumptuous cheesecake with a subtle but cinnamony graham cracker crust.

Initially, Cowan’s resolve and the novelty of the effort combined to keep her appetite and imagination in check, but within three days of lower caloric intake, her cravings for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or fresh, crisp french fries became overpowering. Her editor and coworkers noticed that every statement, irrespective of its relevance to the subject at hand, included an unnecessarily lengthy exploration of a memorable baked macaroni and cheese dish or homemade schnitzel right from the skillet, for example.

Within a week, the phenomenon had crept into Cowan’s written work, as well, at first manifesting as out-of-place analogies to chocolate-covered pretzels or a croissant. Her editors quickly noticed that the analogies to comfort food slipped into Cowan’s sentences as smoothly as warm butterscotch pudding down a waiting throat. The obsession began affecting others in the newsroom, spreading so quickly that virtually the entire staff of writers found themselves employing metaphors of toll house cookies, garlic-roasted potatoes, and, in the case of the sportswriters, wine-and-herb tilapia sizzling in the pan.

Managing Editor Mark Mywords attempted to address the problem directly by sending out a group e-mail with a reminder of certain style policies, but was drowned out as reporters and interns shared recipes for teriyaki beef and gnocchi with tomato cream sauce. He followed up with a disciplinary meeting for several egregious offenders, at which Cowan and fellow correspondent Samantha Drakes continued to turn every line of conversation into a discussion of Entenmann’s crumb-topped donuts.

This is not the first time a journalism outfit has been compromised by thoughts of garlicky chicken soup with fluffy dumplings. A similar development occurred at the Washington Post in 1994, the year this reporter discovered a deli with a stacked corned-beef-on-rye to make even the most die-hard vegan salivate. The New York Times suffered the same fate in 1971 and 1973, when editor A. M. Rosenthal brought in leftovers from a family member’s Bar Mitzva celebration, and reporters were stuffing themselves on cream cheese rugelach for weeks.

At press time, this reporter was still ravenously desirous of a pastrami burger.

Not To Be Outdone By Weiner, Other Candidates Send Lewd Photos, Messages

New York, July 25 (AP) – Concerned that the latest revelations of Anthony Weiner’s sexually explicit online behavior have given him a publicity advantage, other prominent candidates for New York City Mayor are publicizing their own indiscretions.

Former Congressman Weiner resigned from his seat in the House of Representatives after being caught sending suggestive pictures to a woman other than his wife, in 2011. After a public apology and an attempt to rehabilitate his image, Weiner declared his candidacy for mayor. This week, he admitted to more recent indiscretions involving text messages.

City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, considered the leading candidate, soon confessed to reporters that she routinely traffics in inappropriate online images and videos. “And I’m a lesbian, which should make this tidbit even juicier,” she said at a press conference today.

Joseph J. Lhota

MTA Chairman Joseph J. Lhota, as well, posted at least two dozen erotic photos of himself on his campaign’s Facebook page in an album he titled, “Get a Lhota These.” Remarks attached to the photos suggested they were taken over a period of eighteen years, and most recently last month, apparently an attempt to establish that Mr. Lhota’s extensive documentation of his deviant online behavior extends back years and was not simply a reaction to the attention given to Mr. Weiner.

Public Advocate Bill de Blasio, also campaigning to succeed Mayor Mike Bloomberg, did not release any photos or texts, but made known to reporters that he specifically visits Las Vegas to partake of legal Nevada prostitution, and that he has been a proud subscriber to several online pornography sites for years, and before that, an avid consumer of print media in the same vein.

City Comptroller John C. Liu also made a valiant attempt to demonstrate his irresponsible use of the internet by inviting, via Twitter, prominent officials and media representatives to participate in what he termed, “Liu-ed acts.” Given Liu’s reputation as conservative in his personal habits, the initial reaction to the tweet has been skeptical. “It doesn’t seem sincere to me,” said New York Times correspondent Alison Leigh Cowan, who has been covering this aspect of the mayoral campaign. “But I must say I’m intrigued and flattered to be included, so I’ll probably attend and make my personal assessment afterwards.”

John A. Catsimatidis, the grocery store billionaire, leveraged his corporate and retail clout to display offensively sexual images of the candidate in the windows of his Gristede’s supermarket chain. Between posters touting tomatoes for $2.99 per pound and a special on pork loins, Catsimatidis is easily identified in enlarged photos of the man in suggestive poses with multiple partners of both sexes. A warrant has been issued for his arrest, leading Cowan to suggest that the added publicity of such a development could only help Mr. Catsimatidis, who has been trailing in the polls.

“What Weiner – and Elliot Spitzer, for that matter – have proved is that getting yourself on the map politically actually becomes easier if you have a sexual scandal or two under your belt,” she said, apparently without a trace of irony. Spitzer, the former NY governor, resigned after reports of his visits with prostitutes while in office. He is also running an election campaign, for City Comptroller. Catsimatidis, said Cowan, is banking on a similar dynamic with his own candidacy, which could only benefit at this point on the campaign trail.

Whoever wins, says Cowan, will be the one who proves they are proficient at screwing many people at once, preferably 8.3 million of them.

 

Rolling Stone: ALL of Our Covers Glorify Someone Objectionable

New York, NY, July 18 (AP) – Reacting to widespread criticism of his magazine’s featuring Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover of its August issue, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner wondered aloud why Tsarnaev’s appearance was any more objectionable that that of the other questionable role models the publication has glorified over the years.

The cover article, by Janet Reitman, explores the childhood influences and life of the bombing suspect before he was arrested for the April terrorist attacks. The controversy involves not the material of the article, which most readers agree demonstrates journalistic integrity, but the magazine’s decision to feature Tsarnaev on its cover, a spot usually reserved for prominent entertainment or political figures. National chains such as Walgreen’s and CVS have refused to sell the August issue, ignoring the fact that nearly every other Rolling Stone issue features a cover photo of someone heavily involved in unsavory, illegal, or harmful activities.

“When people say nothing of our lionizing of drug addicts, womanizers, and abusers of their romantic partners, I have to say I find this particular bit of noise disingenuous,” said Wenner. In its 46-year history the magazine has featured Woody Allen, whose marriage to Mia Farrow dissolved over his sexual relationship with the couple’s adopted daughter; Madonna, who has been second only to porn stars in glamorizing the sexualization of women; and Kurt Cobain, whose substance abuse and stormy relationship with Courtney Love eventually led to his 1994 suicide. According to Wenner, these three were but the tip of the cultural iceberg that Rolling Stone’s covers represented, and he could not help but wonder what made Americans stay silent until now.

“Actually, it’s more of a cesspool than an iceberg. Are you telling me it’s OK to heap praise on people who promote the use of LSD, such as several of The Beatles? Or Jimi Hendrix, who died because he took eighteen times the recommended dosage of sleeping pills?” continued an incredulous Wenner. “Heck, even our own writer, Hunter S. Thompson, admitted to using drugs, alcohol, and violence, and he also killed himself. What do you expect from us, My Little Pony?”

In response to suggestions that Tsarnaev was a different order of unpleasant character, an actual terrorist and murderer, Wenner retorted that Rolling Stone had on four occasions put none other than Richard Nixon on its cover, and asked reporters why no one seemed to care then that the publication was lionizing a hateful, bloodthirsty, bigoted, corrupt hypocrite responsible for the loss of thousands of American, Vietnamese, Cambodian, and other lives. “The Guy was scum,” noted Wenner. “Where were all these critics then?”

At press time, an animated South Park version of Saddam Hussein and an image of Darth Vader, who have also appeared on Rolling Stone covers, were heard laughing in a sinister fashion.

CBS Poll: 213% Believe Media Often Make Mistakes

New York, NY (AP) – In yet another blow to the ailing credibility of the news media, a new survey by The New York Times and CBS News reveals that more than 100% of Americans think the news media make errors with disturbing frequency.

The poll, conducted online and by telephone with more than 3,000 adults of all major demographic groups, found that 213%, or just over three quarters, of respondents find they must take figures that the media uses in news stories with a grain of salt until some other source can corroborate the data. The margin of error in the poll was completely misunderstood by everyone including the researchers who collated the data.

The 213% represents an increase of 19% over the figure from last year at the same time. Last May, the same poll found that almost nobody understands the difference between a 19% increase and an increase by 19 percentage points, a cohort that includes most reporters outside the Business and Science sections of most major news outlets. A further 92% of respondents had no idea what was meant by “cohort” in the previous sentence, but they conceded that it sounded like a word a statistician might use.

The figure of 213% is by far the highest such figure in the global media marketplace. China, for example, touts its state-run press as achieving 100% accuracy 100% of the time, along with 100% agreement from 100% of the population on that point. Similar statistics emerge from Iran, where the Islamic Republic regularly canvasses citizens for feedback on such crucial media issues as the tightness of their shackles and the degree to which Israel is responsible for every ill that has ever plagued humanity, plus several more.

The findings also represent a continuing trend in American journalism away from reliance on established, credible news organizations, in favor of sources that uphold the viewer or reader’s preconceived notions about the world. As a natural consequence, says Stanley Spidowski, a consultant with U62 Media, a trade group, they mistrust any outlet other than their preferred biased source.

“The major players have been struggling for years with a shrinking market for objective reporting,” he said in response to the data. “The only major American outlet that has really managed to ride this wave is Fox, which has never relied as heavily as the other organizations on facts.”

Foreign media did not fare well in the survey either, though only 20% of respondents were aware that such outlets exist. Only 15%, or barely a third of respondents, knew that the BBC existed in the first place, let alone that the initials stand for British Broad-abuse Coverups. Iran’s Press TV can boast even less penetration of the American market, at -12% awareness. Among overseas organizations, only Al-Jazeera was identified by a significant number of respondents, though more than 80% of them thought the Qatari network was made up by Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart.

Repenthouse: the Magazine for Porn-Again Christians

Condé-Nasty’s other recent success.

New York, New York, May 12 (AP) Condé-Nasty Publications announced today that starting next month it will begin selling a magazine aimed at the growing demographic of Porn-Again Christians, called Repenthouse. The magazine will come monthly to its subscribers and be available at nudesstands across the country.

With the release, Condé-Nasty thus hopes to penetrate the coveted demographic that worships Jizzus. A pokesman for the organization, Li Bido, said that Condé-Nasty had been probing the Porn Again market for some time, and biding its time until the moment was ripe to thrust itself onto the scene. “There’s a tremendous amount of exposure we can expect with this venture,” said Bido. “It’s not often that a mainstream publishing outfit seeks to establish itself as a presence in such a niche market, I’ll admit, but with our industry already strapped for cash, finding the sweet spot for our product can spread doors open wide for us in other arenas.”

Repenthouse represents a formidable risk for Condé-Nasty, however. If the magazine fails to penetrate the market to a significant degree, and does not stimulate sufficient subscriptions or sales to warrant its continued issue, the venture could showcase the publisher’s impotence or give it the stigmata of an outfit already on its knees.

“It’s an ambitious idea, I’ll give them that,” allowed Larry Flynt, an industry veteran with significant experience. “But they can’t exactly expect to be wearing divine protection. While I don’t yet see the Four Whoresmen of the Apocalypse breathing down their necks, but if sales are flaccid the whole enterprise will be blown to Kingdom Come,” he warned.

“But if they pull it off, I’ll be the first one to give them a hand; jobs are scarce enough, and anyone who can stimulate growth in this business will be snatching up profits,” he added.

At Condé-Nasty the mood is decidedly optimistic. “Things are definitely looking up for us – we have a few tricks left up our sleeves,” said President Lou Brickant. “Our religious values really come through with Repenthouse: our thrust in God and our fleshes of divine inspiration will be evident to any Porn Again reader. We have plenty of material over which our subscribers will want to linger – we don’t veneriate the saints the way Catholics do, but there’s a decided reverence for foreplague and the Sin-optic Gospels.”

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FOX News Under Fire for Factual Accuracies

Washington, DC (AP) – The news division of the FOX network is facing criticism for its reliance on actual facts as part of its news coverage.

Conservative commentators, even some typically loyal to the network, have lashed out at the news team for resorting to a complete picture instead of using half-truths in an effort to paint Democrats as immoral.

“Its a disgrace,” said Ann Coulter. “This is not what we’ve come to expect from FOX, and they’d better get their act together if they want to hold onto their conservative credentials.”

Glenn Beck, a former FOX host, concurred. “Facts are things you get from networks beneath contempt, such as CNN,” he said. “The cause of right-wing conservatism is badly served when the flagship network of the movement resorts to techniques and content unbecoming of its viewership and reputation.” He said the network could reestablish itself as independent of factual accuracy if it made a concerted effort, but only time would tell if it could sustain that effort.

In this case, a FOX reporter mentioned reputable medical statistics on gunshot injuries and deaths, statistics that unmistakably frame gun control as a public health issue worthy of consideration. After angry reactions from the National Rifle Association and from Merle and Lydia Guntherspoon of Texarkana, Arkansas, the network retracted the report.

Other news media organizations have also been accused of factual accuracy, and responded in various ways. Al Jazeera, for example, has found itself trying, often unsuccessfully, to negotiate the boundary between journalistic plausibility and anti-Israel bias.

Some outlets have developed strict policies to forestall such criticism. The British Broadcasting Corporation, though recently mired in an ethics scandal, has only rarely let facts get in the way of its reporting, most notably in the Middle East, thanks to a rigid policy of always portraying one side in a conflict as wrong, facts notwithstanding. It remains unclear whether FOX will tighten its guidelines – or at least the enforcement of existing ones, if any – or will simply let the incident slide and assume the prevailing corporate culture will prevent a recurrence.

“I can see them going either way, really,” said media analyst Leis Daly. “FOX wants to maintain its reputation, so they might work hard to keep the facts from intruding on their work. On the other hand, the demographic that gave rise to FOX’s success, and from which it draws its ethics, embodies a conservatism so powerful that actually doing anything to effect change runs counter to everything it holds dear.”

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FOX Accuses Obama of Fathering Two Black Children

Obama, shamelessly posing with his black lover and children in the White House.

Washington, DC (AP) – FOX News reported this morning that several years prior to his election as President, Barack Obama fathered two children with a black woman.

“You won’t hear about this scandal from the fawning liberals over at CNN,” intoned the FOX anchor. “It takes reporters who are willing to go after the truth, not ignore everything bad there is about Obama.”

According to the report, Obama fathered the first child in 1998 with a black woman named Michelle, whom he had met while both were employed at the same Chicago law firm. The two continued their affair, producing another black child in 2001. Both children were born while Obama was serving in the Illinois State Senate. The FOX report noted that not a single major media outlet picked up on the scandal at the time, and that, said the anchorwoman, has only emboldened Obama as he continues to associate openly with the mother of those children, even bringing her with him to official state functions.

“The flagrancy with which Obama thrusts this black lover of his upon the eyes of America is just plain shocking,” said FOX personality Bill O’Reilly. “Strom Thurmond may have fathered a black child once upon a time, but at least he had the decency not to acknowledge it publicly.” Thurmond, who died in 2003, was for decades a staunch South Carolina segregationist, and never addressed the black daughter he fathered as related to him; he did, however, support her financially.

“But Obama is just blatant about it,” continued O’Reilly, “and that’s just the problem with liberals. They have no respect for boundaries. Certainly not the US-Mexico boundary,” he added, referring to immigration policies that Republicans have maintained are not restrictive enough.

“It’s more than immoral – it’s also cynical,” said former Vice Presidential candidate and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, a frequent Obama critic. “Those children will probably grow up to vote Democrat, to boot. And the country is paying for their posh accommodations, in the White House no less! Imagine! Black children in the White House! If this scandal isn’t worth an impeachment proceeding or two, I don’t know what is!”

Obama is not the first president to maintain an intimate relationship with a black woman and to father children through her. Thomas Jefferson, the nation’s third chief executive, has dozens of black descendants through his slave Sally Hemming. But according to Palin, since Hemming and her immediate descendants knew their proper place and never got “uppity,” in her words, American society was willing to tolerate the indiscretion.

“But Obama’s shoving it in our faces  – and making us pay for it!” said Palin. The black woman and her daughters enjoy Secret Service protection, while their housing and transportation are covered with taxpayer funds. “Even their dog is black!” she remarked, referring to Obama’s Portuguese Water Dog Bo. “We have to take back America!” concluded Palin.

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Clark Kent Gets Laughs with Doppelganger Week Superman Icon

Kent.

Metropolis (AP) – Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent caused many chuckles around the newspaper offices this past week after he replaced his usual Facebook profile photo with an image of Superman. The mild-mannered correspondent reportedly followed the suggestion of an unidentified acquaintance who noticed the resemblance.

“That’s Clark, all right,” said James Olson, whose desk sits only a few feet away from Kent’s in the newsroom. “It’s amazing that it took a social media gimmick for us to notice. I wonder whether Superman himself knows? I mean, Clark isn’t exactly a nobody in this town,” he continued, referring to his colleague’s duties as an anchor on WGBS TV news.

Superman.

Kent’s supervisor, Managing Editor Perry White, acknowledges the humor, but worries that the levity it has created at the Planet may compromise the quality of the establishment’s journalism, or its reputation. “As a news outlet we pride ourselves on sticking to facts and evidence. A bit of intramural kidding is fine, as far as it goes, but Kent’s profile can also be seen by many people outside the organization, and we’d prefer to keep a public face that projects adherence only to that which can be observed and reported. Not this other nonsense.”

A brief survey Planet staff indicates that few others in the organization share White’s concerns. “It’s harmless,” says Lois Lane, a colleague and close friend of Kent’s. “No one’s really going to think less of our organization because we have a sense of humor. What idiot is going to think that Clark and Superman are the same?”

Superman has been unavailable for comment, and does not maintain a Facebook profile. Longtime Superman nemesis Lex Luthor, however, has found several doppelgangers, and changed them daily: Telly Savalas, Yul Brynner, a shaved Larry Bird, Patrick Stewart, and, in self-deprecating humor, H. Ross Perot and the late Frank Purdue.

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Survey Indicates No One Knows Who You Are

New York (AP)  – A nationwide poll of adults over the age of 18 shows that almost no one has any idea who you are, CBS reports.

The CBS poll found that of the 15,281 Americans asked whether they know you, 15,280 said no. Fewer than one hundredth of a percent of Americans can claim any familiarity with you at all; the margin of error is two percent.

The survey results indicate little change since two years ago, when 9,665 Americans unanimously disclaimed any connection or knowledge of you, and that is not expected to change in the near future, says Losel Festeem, an unpopularity analyst with the public relations firm Brutish and Short.

“There’s nothing to indicate that Americans will have reason to find out more, certainly not in the next four to eight years,” she said in a telephone interview. “We’re not talking about even a D-list celebrity, or even anyone who might rub shoulders with people who rub shoulders with D-list celebrities.” You might stand a chance of garnering a few moments of notoriety if you set yourself on fire and dramatically threw yourself off a Manhattan skyscraper, noted Festeem, but all the numbers point to continued mediocrity at best.

Dram McQueen, also a PR consultant, disagrees. “Anyone can gain a decent level of attention and name recognition with a little bit of time and effort,” she stressed. “The question here is primarily one of will and resources – so right now there’s neither, but that can change.” She conceded, however, that no change in your unremarkable circumstances seems imminent, and that you will continue to be unrecognized from coast to coast at least through January of next year, barring some freak occurrence such as your getting caught in the door of a flying helicopter as your pants fall off into the East River.

Some specifics of your complete lack of fame have shifted in the two years since the previous survey. Whereas in 2010, 90% of respondents gave a direct “no” to the question of whether they knew you, this year’s poll recorded only 64% of respondents directly denying it. Accounting for the difference is the vast increase in respondents who said, “Huh? Who?” which stood at 25% this year, as compared with 4% two years ago. Holding steady at 3% was the group of people who reacted with nothing but blank stares before finally shaking their heads and giving the pollster a wary look. The remaining respondents also varied little from the 2010 sample, answering with variations on, “What are you talking about?”

Some analysts had expected at least a modest uptick in your prominence, as you have actually established a Facebook account and friended over four hundred people, in addition to diligently building up an utterly useless network of contacts on LinkedIn. The survey revealed that despite your online presence, which also includes contributions to forums and a photography blog, you remain essentially a non-entity for the overwhelming majority of Americans.

Especially telling was the datum that even those people who might have had online contact with you – including at least two documented cases of participating in the same thread on Facebook – disavowed any knowledge of your existence.

“That’s where the key is,” said Festeem. “This is clearly a case of someone who lacks not just friends in high places, but anything memorable about them at all.”

“Why are we talking about this nobody again?” she asked.

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AMA Says Not Calling to Cancel Your Appointment Causes Cancer, AIDS

Chicago, IL (AP) – The American Medical Association, the nation’s oldest and largest professional group for physicians, released new recommendations for patients, under which failing to call to cancel an appointment the patient knows he will miss is a risk factor in cancer and other horrible diseases.

Jeremy A. Lazarus, the president of the American Medical Association, told reporters at a press conference that the organization felt compelled to issue new recommendations after a review of statistics showed a dangerous disregard on the part of patients for the physicians and other patients.

“It’s not only cancer,” Lazarus warned. “Failing to give a reasonable amount of warning that you’re not going to show up to your appointment not only puts you at risk of enmity from doctors and fellow patients; it also means you’re more likely to contract, uh, cancer, herpes, syphilis, measles, smallpox, AIDS, meningitis, and it makes you, uh…yeah, it makes you seven times more likely to catch a bad case of the flu.”

He also pointed to data showing that people who neglected to inform their doctor they would be missing the scheduled appointment were twice as likely to be bludgeoned to death by other patients using rolled-up copies of U.S. News and World Report from the waiting room.

It is unclear what percentage of Americans are no-shows for medical appointments, but the AMA released data regarding the populous states of California, New York, Texas and Florida, showing that of the approximately 19,000 missed appointments in 2011 in those states, nearly 40% were not preceded by a phone call or message alerting the medical practice or staff of the impending absence; of those patients, the AMA eagerly anticipates upwards of 80% will suffer mightily from gonorrhea, mumps, shingles, lupus, sexual dysfunction, gastric ulcers, and several other diseases they haven’t thought of yet.

“Calling ahead is one of the pillars of preventive medicine, which is what modern patient care is all about,” says Stephanie Siegel, a cardiologist at Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York. “In the early years, physicians would focus more on treating existing conditions, but over the last century, we’ve shifted, fortunately, to a greater focus on preventing things from going wrong in the first place. Patients who disregard the basics of avoiding the risks have only themselves to blame” when a truck full of infected needles falls on them from a rooftop, she noted.

Patient groups welcomed the new AMA guidelines, praising the calling-ahead provision as a life-saving measure. “This AMA recommendation is an important step in making the period before a scheduled medical visit a safer experience for everyone,” said Nancy Davenport-Ennis, Co-Founder and CEO of the Patient Advocacy Foundation. “It’s been a long time coming, and unfortunately, too many patients have been ill-informed regarding the long- and short-term dangers of not calling ahead, but with the American Medical Association’s unequivocal stance on the matter, we can now work on actually getting people the care they need when they need it, assuming they prefer not to come down with dysentery, Huntington’s Disease, multiple sclerosis, hypertension and maybe even a nasty case of flesh-eating bacteria.”

The AMA guidelines are not unprecedented in the industry. Just last year the American Dental Association issued similar recommendations, focusing instead on lateness. Patients who arrived less than five minutes before the scheduled appointment time were six times as likely to suffer jabs in the gums from sharp implements.

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Typo Results in Drug Users Sent to Diction Counseling

Macon, Georgia (AP) – Eleven residents of the Macon Metropolitan Area convicted earlier this month of possessing illegal drugs were ordered to report to the Booker T. Washington Community Center this morning to undergo diction counseling. The residents, who each have histories of substance abuse, expression confusion as they were shepherded into a room with Connie Stern, M.A., a vocal coach and diction consultant.

“Let’s start with vowels. Repeat after me, everyone: ah, ee, ay, oh, oo,” she began. “Now ee-NUN-ci-ate, please.”

The convicts, clearly not expecting this environment, initially resisted. “Ma’am, how is this supposed to help us?” asked Ward O’thestate, 26, of neighboring Dry Branch.

“Please, pronounce the ‘w’ in ‘how’,” admonished Stern, “or I shall be forced to report to the court that you are not cooperating.”

Connie Stern (AP)

Several other attendees managed to express their consternation at the turn of events, telling the Associated Press they had been led to believe they would be enrolled in a drug abuse counseling program. But Stern engaged their cooperation throughout the one-hour session, the first of ten scheduled classes on proper vocalization and pronunciation.

“The court clearly sees the need for these citizens to transform the way they communicate as the key to turning their lives around,” Stern said after the session. “I’ve never done anything like this before, but the county clerk called me up saying she had a court order that some convicts undergo diction counseling, and there was my name, right in the phone book. She seemed as surprised as I was, but I’m more than happy to count Bibb County among my clients.”

The participants’ reactions were mixed. “That was, uh, different,” reported Meth Labb, 30, of Warner Robins. “It wasn’t like that the last time I went for counseling, that’s for sure. But it says right here on this form I’m supposed to be here, and I don’t want no more trouble from the court over this. I already got fined for missing a session last time around. Maybe this is the one I missed,” he said, scratching his head.

The participants’ bodies had developed a chemical dependency on certain controlled substances, among them crystal meth, heroin and alcohol. As first- and second-time offenders, their plea-bargain arrangements called for them to undergo counseling to help them overcome that dependency.

The process includes meetings with the families of the participants to engage their cooperation and support, and Stern has already met with the relatives of those enrolled. “I didn’t quite understand what we’re supposed to accomplish here,” said Bee Wildered, the mother of one of the convicts. “But I know the system – you just do like you’re supposed to and they more or less leave you alone when it’s done.”

“Do as you’re supposed to, Mrs. Wildered,” corrected Stern. “And make sure your ‘to’ and ‘you’ rhyme with ‘blue’.”

The participants generally agreed that the first session, at least, featured little of the hostility, browbeating and criticism that they thought they would encounter. “I guess I’ll come back – she’s a nice lady,” said Coe Caine, 19, of Fort Valley. “Man, I’m itching to get back home. Mom, can I have my phone back? I need to call Julie. She said she’d hook me up with some – uh, with some – with some books.”

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We Go Live to Our Reporter, Who Has Just Been Wedgied

Originally posted December 15, 2010.

Muffin: Good evening and welcome to the Seventh Grade News. I’m Stud Muffin, with Jess Kidding.

First-period math got off to a shaky start today when half the class came in without homework. Mr. Cowell claims the students need to get their act together, while the class complains of unfair burdens. Lisp Nightly reports.

Nightly: That’th right, Thtud. The detailth are not a hundred perthent clear yet, but it appearth that at about nine-o-five thith morning, Mithter Cowell athked the thtudenth to plathe their homework on hith dethk, then thpent about a minute going through them, checking the nameth againtht the attendanth litht. When he got to the end, he thlammed the latht paper down on the pile and yelled at the clath.

What happened nektht ith thtill in dithpute. Thome thtudenth thay Mithter Cowell threatened to put a permanent mark in each one’th record if the lathineth perthithted, but otherth claim the teacher went even further, threatening to have the nektht clath trip cantheled.

Student 1: I dunno, so like, Mr. Cowell took attendance, and like, someone kept making, like, armpit noises, so, y’know, things were already, like, not so calm, and Jenna sneezed, and Mr. Cowell was all like, “OK, everyone, get your homework on the desk right now,” y’know? And so, like, he was like going through all the papers, and like ten of them were like totally missing, and he was like, “If you people keep skipping your homework, I’m gonna have to put it in your record,” which, like, whatever.

Student 2: So I’m sitting there in math class? And Mr. Cowell starts yelling at us? And I didn’t do my homework, cuz Britney, the girl who sits behind me? She had like a bad breakup with Brad? So I spent all of yesterday kinda making her feel better? And suddenly he’s yelling that we’re not gonna go on our next trip? And we have math homework like every single day?

Nightly: Mithter Cowell himthelf wath unavailable for comment, but the thtudenth themthelveth theem divided on the fairnethof their treatment. Thith ith the thecond time thith themethter that the clath hath had the threat of cantheled priviligeth dangled over them, and the way thingth are going, thome doubt they’ll ever go anywhere at all thith year. Back to you, Thtud and Jeth.

Kidding: Thank you, Lisp.

Gregg Mitchell was sent to the principal’s office for the sixth time this year during second-period history for mouthing off to the teacher. Here’s Fulla Vitt, with more on the story.

Vitt: Gregg Mitchell was whispering with Ellis Morton in the adjacent seat when Ms. Anthrope, the history teacher, asked him to quiet down. When Mitchell continued talking a few seconds later, Ms. Anthrope warned him, but he continued talking. That’s when she sent him to Ms. Urry’s office. That’s the third time in the last month that Mitchell has been sent there, and the sixth since the start of the year. Ms. Anthrope was the first teacher to send him to the principal back in October, as well.

Mitchell himself gave us the finger when we asked for an interview, but classmate Keith Antell says that Mitchell is just clowning around.

Antell: I don’t know why everyone’s getting on Gregg’s case. He’s just joking around. So he made a few jokes while Ms. Anthrope was talking. So what? It’s not like he hurts anybody. And he’s funny. Besides, history is boring.

Vitt: A school office official speaking on condition of anonymity informed us that the school psychologist is looking into Mitchell’s situation at home. For the Seventh Grade News, I’m Fulla Vitt.

Muffin: And now we’ll have a look at the weather, with meteorologist Dan Kandertti. Dan?

Kandertti: Looks like a calm second half of the week, but as you can see, the clique of Veronica Miles, Stephanie Durkett and Chloë Dumont are planning a series of embarrassing moments for Kari Wilmer on Thursday. Friday looks mostly clear except for the afternoon, it looks like, when the school will have a talent show, and only the popular kids will feel confident enough to participate. Here’s the five-day on your screens now; you can see the weekend shaping up to be troublesome, with Stephanie Durkett and her eighth-grade boyfriend having a fight on MySpace and spreading nasty rumors about each other. That storm will last into next week.

Kidding: It’s not a busy time for sports right now, but Jack Ovahltraids nevertheless has some news for us.

Ovahltraids: Yup. Jess, the new uniforms for the middle school basketball team are almost ready, and the boys will wear them when they get creamed by Edison Middle School on Sunday. The new uniforms are brown with yellow stripes down the side, and misspelled names on the backs. School officials say they have had to deal with budget cuts, so they purchased used uniforms from the Salvation Army and had volunteers sew the names. Go team!

Muffin: Well, that’s it for this evening. Join us again tomorrow when we give you an inside look at the janitor’s closet, and ask him about cleaning the boys’ locker room. Stay tuned for Midgets on Parade! For everyone here at the Seventh Grade News, I’m Stud Muffin. Good night.

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No Hypocrisy Here; Move Along, Nothing to See…

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Endangered Tortoises: ‘Just Let Us Go Extinct Already’

Ulglp, at the press conference.

Galapagos Islands, Ecuador, October 1 (Reuters) – At a press conference today, Ulglp, a spokesturtle for the superfamily Chelonioidea, begged humankind to just let sea turtles die out already.

For centuries, the global population of sea turtles has been in decline as humans have expanded their activities and effects on the marine reptiles and their habitats. Pollution, habitat reduction, “bycatching” by fishing boats and a host of other factors have combined to threaten the persistence of the creatures, who apparently don’t want to bother anymore.

Conservation efforts have included fishing regulations, limitations on various kinds of oil drilling, restrictions on coastal lighting, and the invention of devices to free turtles trapped in fishing nets. Ulglp shook his head sadly at the mention of these efforts. “We simply do not wish to share the planet with a species that spawned reality television,” he lamented.

Scourge of the African lowland gorilla.

Sea turtles are not the first species or group of species to request that human endeavors to protect them cease. The African lowland gorilla, long endangered by habitat reduction and hunting, took out a full page ad in The Economist two yeas ago requesting that they be allowed to go extinct, as they could no longer stomach the thought of continuing to inhabit the same global ecosystem as anyone who had ever willingly listened to Barry Manilow.

Earlier this year, a squad of Adélie penguins commandeered a fishing vessel in the Antarctic Ocean and attempted to ram an oil tanker. The conspiracy was foiled when the vessel’s net became entangled in the rudder, and the penguins were captured. They later told their captors they intended to drive their species to extinction in one fell swoop rather than see the planet’s flightless waterfowl endure another two centuries of being in the same orbit around the sun as Marmite eaters.

These animal rejections of human conservation have yet to have an appreciable effect on projects to preserve the species in question. “That’s a function of the very nature of the animal protection activist, as a species,” explained Zoe Al-Lejee, a cultural anthropologist at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, DC. “The Greenpeaceniks, as we call them in academia, aren’t only out of step with other humans, who couldn’t give a Muroidea’s posterior about the fate of the Caribbean Sponge; they’re also wildly out of touch with what the animals themselves want.”

Al-Lejee cited the 2002 example of feminist activists who set up lit trails and distributed female health information to lionesses in Africa, only to meet complete apathy on the part of the intended beneficiaries, as well as instances of manatees that have tried to mate with the very humans attempting to trap them.

In addition to reality TV, the sea turtles cited a number of other human creations that make their existence pointless, even painful. According to a list distributed by Ulglp, these include: energy drinks; the New England accent; present-day collectors of action figures from the 1980’s animated series Voltron; televised snooker matches; prepackaged “slices” of peanut butter; Axe body spray; people who say, “I could care less” when they manifestly mean, “I couldn’t care less”; the Ziggy comic strip; call-in radio shows about sports; and phishing.

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God, Angels Laughing Riotously over Muhammad Cartoons

The Heavens, September 23 (AP) – The LORD Almighty and His ministering angels are just tickled pink, as it were, by the hullabaloo surrounding the cartoons and film mocking Muhammad, heavenly sources say.

“Thus saith the LORD: Thou canst not make this stuff up,” reported the archangel Gabriel, his seraphic cheeks ruddy from peals of hysteria. “For lo, not since Martin Luther’s earnestness have I seen thee worked up as the Euphrates doth churn in spring,” he continued, before collapsing in another fit. “Oh, LORD, thank Thee for not creating me with actual lungs, for they be deprived now of air,” he managed to gasp.

Angels have noted the LORD’s mirth since trailers for The Innocence of Muslims were first released in July, as He anticipated the reaction of His more manipulable children. “By My sacred Name, I cannot wait for the feces to hit the fan,” the LORD is said to have uttered as He beheld the horribly acted, obviously overdubbed piece of cinematic trash.

Heavenly giddiness has occurred before, notably during periods when there was an antipope, and whenever large groups  of cult members immolate or otherwise kill themselves in anticipation of some apocalyptic or cataclysmic event. According to heavenly archives, the heavens shook with Godly laughter in 1997 when 39 adherents of the Heaven’s Gate movement committed mass suicide, expecting a spaceship to follow the approaching comet Hale-Bopp. “Oh Me, those idiots,” He said on that occasion, over and over again.

Similarly, The Creator finds continual amusement in the Raelians, a UFO cult that claimed in 2002 that it had cloned a human, and in fans of the Chicago Cubs, who clearly cannot take a hint.

Records were not kept before 200 BCE, but the earliest confirmed episode of Godly amusement at humanity’s foibles occurred as early Christians debated the question of celibacy. That joke has since grown old to God, says spokesangel St. Peter, but under the right circumstances it still elicits a divine chuckle. “Just last month [archangel] Michael was commenting on the soon-to-be-announced manuscript mentioning Jesus’s wife – he said, ‘Does this mean the LORD tells mother-in-law jokes?’ God smiled and gave Michael a satisfied whack on the back. Poor guy is still having his wings repaired.”

The second chapter of Psalms directly refers to the LORD as laughing at people who plan evil, but the dating of that passage in in dispute. Attributed to King David, the book was actually composed over several centuries, with some portions heavily edited. God Himself declared He does not much care when it was written; the dating is irrelevant to the psalm’s meaning.

Heavenly computer terminals have been busier than usual in recent weeks as angels and departed souls watch the streaming video trailers to discover what all the fuss is about, and to join God in bouts of laughter. “It’s been unusually jolly here,” said the patriarch Isaac, whose name means “He will laugh” in Hebrew, and who knows a thing or two about the divine sense of humor. “The LORD has taken to looking over the shoulders of anyone watching that piece of crap and sharing the laughter with them as the train wreck unfolds on the screen and on Earth below.”

“It’s really only the Jews who get it,” mused Isaac. “They continuously get shafted throughout history, and they keep disproportionately producing comedians. Why do you think God chose them?” He then shuffled away, the victim of yet another divine stealth wedgie.

“Now that doth not get old,” the LORD was heard to say.

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Report: Package of Cookies Still Unopened

Concord, NH (AP) – Witnesses in the kitchen area report that the Pepperidge Farm Nantucket cookies in the pantry are not yet open as of this morning.

The cookies were first observed late last week after Mom and Dad returned from a late-night shopping trip. A reconnaissance mission undertaken by the eleven-year-old confirmed the existence and variety of the cookies, dark chocolate chunk. The scout was unable to locate other new sources of chocolate, but the children agreed not to rule out the possibility, as the scouting mission focused solely on the pantry, and not on the other three cabinets where junk food has been observed in the past.

A further reconnaissance mission took place Saturday morning, under the guise of checking to see whether there were enough Cheerios for all the kids. The eight-year-old determined that the Nantuckets were undisturbed, prompting the rumor that Mom and Dad had uncharacteristically forgotten about the cookies, and that it would be feasible to obtain them and repair to the kids’ bedroom for a binge. Discussion was terminated when Dad entered the dining room, and did not resume for the rest of the day.

The eleven-year-old performed further reconnoitering on Sunday, and informed his siblings that the package remained unopened.

Experts are divided on how to proceed, with the eleven-year-old advocating indirect interrogation of Mom and Dad to determine whether the cookies have, by some unprecedented miracle, disappeared from their consciousness. This conservative approach, says the eleven-year-old, would forestall any negative consequences of absconding with the Nantuckets and having the parents subsequently discover them missing.

On the other hand, the eight-year-old contends that the very persistence of the Nantuckets in the pantry for several days ipso facto demonstrates that Mom and Dad are unaware of them anymore, since there has not been a recorded case of Nantuckets lasting more than twenty minutes in the same house as the parents. The time to act is therefore immediately, lest by their overcautiousness the children allow Mom and Dad to rediscover the cookies and devour them before the children can do so.

A conference to develop an action plan came to halt earlier today when the three-year-old, hearing the discussion, made for the pantry and pulled a step stool over before a successful interception involving both older boys and a loud conversation about Grandma and Grampa visiting soon.

As of press time, the package of cookies was empty on Dad’s desk.

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Yankee Stadium Bleacher Creatures Required to Use Iambic Pentameter

Bronx, NY (AP) – In an attempt to temper the rowdiest fans, the management at Yankee Stadium has announced that it will now require any chanting from the bleachers to have a coherent rhyme scheme, a proper poetic meter and a recognizable melody, according to a Yankees corporation press release.

The Bleacher Creatures, as they are affectionately known by the news media, engage in the heckling of visiting players common in most Major League ballparks, a practice that sometimes crosses the line between good-natured fun and outright violence. They also customarily serenade the Yankees one at a time by name until the player whose name is chanted acknowledges the recognition. The bleachers, located in right-center field, offer less expensive seating than the rest of the stadium, and tend to attract a different class of fan.

In order to filter out some of the foul notes emanating from that section, the statement says, only attendees who cooperate in chanting in more civilized fashion will be allowed to remain. Initially, the meter will be restricted to rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter, most famously associated with Shakespeare.  Bleacher gates will open an hour earlier than before, according to the statement, to allow for rehearsal.

After a suitable trial period the permissible forms will expand to include hexameter verse, the form employed by the classical Greek works The Iliad and The Odyssey. The press release cited those examples as demonstrations that the Stadium continues to be a Homer-friendly park.

In an interview, Yankees spokesman Rhyme Sandberg noted that this is not the first attempt to fuse lyricism with professional sports. When the Cleveland Browns football franchise moved to Baltimore, the team was renamed the Ravens to honor that city’s most famous poet, Edgar Allen Poe. “We’re not going to do it all at once; that would be more than anyone could handle. We intend to build a crescendo of civilized cheering. The wine-dark sea that is the baseball world looks to New York for leadership, and this is a golden opportunity to trumpet both our athletic and cultural success,” Sandberg said.

Not everyone is so excited about the change. Chris Lewis, 44, of Jamaica, Queens, has been attending Yankees games for nearly thirty years, and nearly always sits in the bleachers. “This isn’t a group of people who like being told what to do. They conduct themselves a certain way, and you can’t orchestrate their behavior for them,” he warned.

Tom Cokely, 40, of Midwood, Brooklyn, disagrees. “I look forward to a different tone coming from the bleachers.” Cokely has attended games regularly since 1996. “But it all depends how they handle it. The notes have to come out properly right off the bat, or people will walk. It has to be the perfect pitch.”

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Republicans Deny Plan to Rename Washington ‘Romneyville’

Washington, DC (Reuters) – The Republican National Committee found itself on the defensive today after an RNC document was leaked to the media, purportedly containing a proposal to rename the nation’s capital after the party’s Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, once he wins the presidency. The campaign issued a statement vehemently denying the existence of such a proposal, and the RNC accused its political rivals of manufacturing the document.

The leaked document mentions the proposal to rename Washington, along with a provision for doubling income tax for every citizen who voted for a Democratic candidate for national office in the last six years, and a call for branding all resident aliens, legal or not, with a hot iron on exposed flesh.

“This is clearly the work of our Democratic opponents,” said RNC spokesman Ken Starr in a press conference at the GOP headquarters in Washington. “No Republican in his right mind would dare suggest such a thing. If anything, it’s Obama and his supporters who keep claiming to be all about ‘change,’ for all they’ve accomplished in the last four years.”

Democratic representatives, for their part, dismiss allegations that they had anything to do with the release of the document, and took it at face value. “There’s only one party in this country that’s so out of touch with the experience of the average American that they would consider renaming our capital city,” said House speaker Nancy Pelosi. “What’s next – rechristening California as Reagania?” Republican Ronald Reagan served as governor of California before being elected to the Presidency in 1980.

Some Republicans also took the proposal at face value, but saw nothing wrong with it. “Mitt Romney is positioned as no other Presidential candidate in history to permanently change the fabric of our nation’s politics,” said Ralph Reed, a conservative lobbyist. “Since we’ve become a party increasingly dedicated to the welfare of the super-rich and almost-super-rich, Romney now has unprecedented leverage in engineering the disenfranchisement of huge swaths of Democratic voters with a few strokes of the pen. Renaming Washington would just be a symbol of that power. I, for one, relish the thought that it might happen soon.”

The Obama campaign has remained relatively silent on the matter. Avi Uss, a political analyst with WDUH news in Virginia, sees that as a deliberate decision, allowing Romney and his fellow Republicans to continually shoot themselves in the foot rhetorically, a strategy that has been paying dividends for Democratic candidates everywhere this year, and requires little to no investment.

The strategy was first in evidence when Missouri Republican Congressman Todd Akin declared that women’s bodies could automatically detect whether a pregnancy resulted from rape or legitimate intercourse, and abort unwanted fetuses unless it wasn’t really rape. Democratic opponent Claire McCaskill specifically avoided exploiting Akin’s stupidity, preferring to let it speak for itself.

This week, Mitt Romney characterized nearly half the nation’s citizenry as freeloaders, making any specific campaign moves all but irrelevant for Obama, as more and more voters become convinced on their own that a Romney presidency would spell disaster at worst, and farce at best.

“It’s too bad they’re denying the renaming proposal,” said Sarah Castic, 33, of Racine, Wisconsin. “This would have been a great opportunity for the Republican party to showcase its honesty. That would have been a breath of fresh air. The American people could vote for a candidate who will initiate the deliberate collapse of economic security for the vast majority of us, and for once it won’t come as a surprise, because we basically voted for it.”

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Education Dept. Sets Minimum of Four Weirdo Teachers per School

Washington, DC (Reuters) – The Department of Education announced today that it has issued new rules regarding the hiring of teachers, mainly the requirement that each school with more than seventy pupils must have at least four weirdos on its teaching staff.

The move comes in response to census data indicating that children in some areas of the country are exposed to vastly different levels of weirdness from their teachers, and the numbers are critically low in such straight-laced portions of the country as Iowa, Idaho and Kansas. The new rules also address the difficulty of children being exposed only to weird teachers, which occurs primarily in California, though that has not had an appreciable effect on the state’s weirdness quotient in the last two decades.

Educators and education officials alike have long noted the importance of zany, absent-minded or just plain creepy teachers in children’s development, especially between the ages of ten and sixteen. Repeated studies have shown that exposure to comical faculty attire, unkempt hair, unsettling mannerisms, cutesy lingo and inexplicable ignorance of pop culture mainstays are a critical component of a healthy outlook and ability to learn. In China, where weirdness is currently outlawed, standardized tests consistently demonstrate the youths’ difficulty in understanding the centrality of such crucial issues as reality TV, the popularity of The Big Lebowski and why it is simply not cool to actually complete one’s schoolwork properly.

Weirdness has also been shown to play a role in electoral decisions, notably whether a voter will actually decide to submit an absentee ballot if necessary. Approximately 95% of absentee ballots are submitted by weirdos, many of whom are passionate about local politics and run for positions such as village alderman and the local school district board.

“America didn’t get where it is today by ignoring the importance of people like Doc Brown in Back to the Future,” said Secretary of Education Arne Duncan. “In fact a large number of the greatest minds in history were those of eccentric – no, we’ll say it plainly – weirdos.” He cited pioneering geologist Charles Lyell, who adopted excruciating positions in his chair when engaged in deep thought, and Isaac Newton, who had no romantic relationships in his life, as prominent examples.

“There’s quite a correlation between genius and social awkwardness,” said Abby Slightlyoff, a lecturer on cultural anthropology at the University of North Carolina, as she hunched over, twisted her body to the left and twisted some of her hair between her fingers as she spoke. “Anthropologists have known for years that the pervasive influence of weirdos during childhood makes it all the more likely that a person will grow up with at least a modicum of obliviousness to social conventions.”

The new regulations specifically exempt home-schooling families from any specific requirement, noting that home schooling is inherently weird enough to guarantee at least six times the minimum recommended weirdness.

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Patron Saint of Music Refuses to Help Avant-Garde Composers

The saint, rolling her eyes heavenward at a reporter’s mention of Paul Hindemith.

Rome, (AP) – In an unprecedented step, St. Cecilia, the patron saint of music, has announced that she does not consider avant-garde compositions music, and will therefore not extend help to its composers or performers.

Cecilia, martyred in the second century, is said to have “sung to God” as she died, and was later declared music’s patron saint. Numerous composers and songwriters have dedicated works to her, which was all well and good, she said at a press conference, but “at some point about a hundred years ago it ceased to be ‘music’ and just became ‘random noises that happen to come from musical instruments,'” she explained.

“I mean, Ravel? Debussy? Schoenberg? For crying out loud, crying out loud would be more musical that that garbage,” she continued.

In a statement released to the media at the press conference, the saint, one of only seven women – aside from the Blessed Virgin – to be mentioned in the Canon of the Mass, wrote that she has for many generations been of two minds about her musical status, considering how obliquely she was originally associated with the art. But through nearly two millenniums, she became accustomed, even enamored, of the connection to such glorious composers as Hildegaard von Bingen, Monteverdi, Purcell, J.S. Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms and Schubert. Eventually, however, the statement says, just after the turn of the twentieth century, so-called “composers” started messing with the very definition of music, disregarding it as a vehicle for spiritual and emotional elevation, and turning it into a technical, intellectual exercise. St. Cecilia finally decided she could take it no more.

“I do not know whether to attribute the change to the First World War or other factors,” she said in response to a reporter’s question, “but I do know that one Elliot Carter is going to get no help from yours truly when he stands before the Lord on Judgment Day.”

When asked whether there were any modern composers whose work she finds acceptable, she answered, “Some of Bernstein, Copland and even Gershwin can be absolutely beautiful. And I particularly enjoy many of John Williams’s film scores. I just wish he’d stick to that and forget about that Tree Music drivel,” referring to an early-twenty-first century series of compositions that departed from his dramatic, orchestral bread-and-butter.

St. Cecilia ended the conference to a chorus singing portions of Haydn’s The Creation oratorio, after which several ministering angels distributed a list of composers doomed to a special new section of Hell to be constructed especially for offenses to the ear. The list is provisional for living composers, who still have an opportunity to repent of their unpleasant ways and return to the path of the tonal. The list includes such personalities as Pierre Boulez, Hans Eisler, Alban Berg, and every single hip-hop artist ever.

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Republican Party Diagnosed with Deficit Attention Disorder

Washington, DC (Reuters) – The Republican Party suffers from Deficit Attention Disorder, the party’s physician, Dr. Hugh Briss, announced this morning. The condition causes a narrow focus on fiscal prudence, often at the expense of greater values. Deficit Attention Disorder affects approximately four of every ten American voters, depending on which political party currently has ascendancy.

Although any healthy political party concerns itself with government fiscal discipline to some degree, the Deficit Attention Disorder-afflicted party assigns it undue importance, explains Dr. N. L. Retentive, a New York political psychiatrist. “A party ends up focusing so much on the Holy Grail of a balanced budget, of cutting expenses wherever possible, that it ceases to be able to promote the values it truly holds dear,” she said in a recent interview.

The diagnosis, however, is not without controversy. Some political psychiatrists warn of the social stigma the party may suffer as a result of the diagnosis being made public. “It would have been better to keep this a private matter between the Republican Party and its doctor,” lamented Pete O’fender, a former Republican National Committee member and now a lobbyist for the pharmaceutical industry. He allowed, however, that such a prominent figure as the GOP being so forthright about its condition might help others muster the courage to step forward, which would be a boon to the makers of drugs to treat Deficit Attention Disorder.

A number of treatment options are available to the GOP, including medication, Democrat-bashing therapy and dissing so-called “welfare moms,” but history indicates the party will most likely opt for whichever treatment rewards its contributors most richly. Already, teams of rival consultants are preparing proposals on how best to parlay this diagnosis into a conquest of the White House this November.

“It’s about time the American people had a President with the common touch,” said political analyst Donald Trump, long an advocate of candidates with less-than-wealthy origins. “Romney can really use this to his advantage, because the guy in office now certainly has little in common with most Americans.” Census data indicate that nearly half of all American births take place outside of marriage, and that nonwhites will be a majority in the US by 2050. President Obama was raised primarily by his single mother.

Trump, in particular, advocates treating Deficit Attention Disorder with Cranial-Rectal Inversion Therapy. That course of treatment has known side effects such as hair that resembles roadkill, and a near-complete loss of ability to differentiate between reality and ego-generated delusions. Some political psychologists note that Romney himself displays the latter symptom to some degree, and surmise that he is leading the GOP in the direction of the treatment Trump recommends.

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NY Times to Go Tabloid

(Originally posted April 2011)

By Jay Walker

NEW YORK, September 10 – Responding to a decades-long trend in newspaper marketing, the New York Times announced today that as of June 30 it would change its classic broadsheet layout to tabloid format. The decision follows months of studies commissioned by the Times management and comparisons with the fates of other newspapers in both the broadsheet and tabloid formats.

Long associated with higher-quality journalism, the broadsheet format has fallen out of favor with purchasers of newspapers over the last thirty years. Although tabloid newspapers have suffered declining sales during the same period, the tabloid format has proved somewhat more resilient, as it remains more conducive to compelling or dramatic photos and headlines that help attract readers.

Although the impending switch took some industry analysts by surprise, many print media experts saw the newsprint on the walls ages ago, says Harold Perlmutter, Associate Professor of Media at George Mason University. “The Times took the revolutionary step – at least by its own conservative standards – and introduced color photography to its front page in the 1990′s,” he said, “but in recent years even the stodgy folks at the Times realized that they needed a wholesale makeover, not some cosmetic touch-ups here and there.”

The announcement garnered mixed reactions among media consumers. According to a CBS poll, 48% of respondents expected the change not to affect sales to any significant degree, while 38% expressed excitement at seeing the paper of record feature front-page headlines such as, “Guv: Feds Too Nosy” and “Cops Nab Pair in Mob Hit”. The other 14% expressed no opinion on the matter. The poll’s margin of error was four percentage points.

Alison Morgan, 38, of New Hyde Park, NY, has had a subscription to the NY Times for seven years, and welcomes the change. “I know it’s supposed to be the best paper and all, but I just can’t wade through everything I need to in the little time I have. It’s great to know the Times will now be on the same level as the Daily News and the New York Post.”

Others are not so keen on the switch. Maureen Baker, 52, of Brooklyn Heights, plans to cancel her subscription once the change takes effect. “I can’t believe they’re selling out,” she said.

Beyond the announcement itself in a press release today, the Times has remained unusually silent on the matter. The press release said, in its entirety, “As of June 30, 2011, The New York Times will switch from broadsheet to tabloid format, in keeping with worldwide trends in print journalism. We anticipate that the change will attract new readers, and we will work to retain our current demanding readership by demonstrating that the format of the paper will not affect the kwality of the publication they have come to expect.”

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Chicago Trades Cubs to Seattle for Mariners

Chicago, IL (AP) – Almost six months into yet another failed season for both baseball franchises, the cities of Chicago and Seattle have agreed to trade their baseball teams, pending approval from Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. Selig is expected to approve the move.

With the brief exception of the mid-to-late nineties and the early part of the last decade, the professional sports teams of Seattle have consistently underachieved. The Seattle Supersonics NBA team gave the city its only real bright spot in 1979 with an NBA championship, but that glow turned into a sense of betrayal when the franchise packed up and moved to Oklahoma City in 2009. They join the short-lived Metropolitans as the only two championships for Seattle teams in prominent professional sports, both of whom either ceased to exist or took their talents elsewhere. The Metropolitans became the first American team to win hockey’s Stanley Cup, in 1917, but folded in 1924.

The football franchise Seahawks have perpetually been the laughingstock of the National Football Conference, second perhaps only to the New York Jets in comical ineptitude, though some experts point to the Detroit Lions as the embodiment of epic football futility.

The Cubs, infamously, last gave Chicago a baseball championship in 1908, representing the longest championship drought in North American professional sports. Although they briefly flirted with further success about ten years ago, the cellar of the National League has been familiar territory for much of the last century.

Adding to their collective frustration, the Cubs and Mariners already have in common the record for the most wins during a regular season, at 116; the Cubs accomplished that in their last championship season, while the Mariners did so in 2001, only to lose to the hated New York Yankees in the playoffs; the Mariners remain one of only two teams in all of baseball without a championship. The other such team is the expansion Washington Nationals.

But the setting for each team differs markedly, and that is precisely the point, says Dan O’Shaughnessy, a Boston Globe baseball columnist. “The Cubs, the Lovable Losers, for all their futility, inhabit Chicago, where the White Sox, Bulls, Blackhawks and Bears have more than made up for the North Sider’s shameful history in the city’s psyche. But the Cubs felt overshadowed by their crosstown and cross-sports rivals, and the city agreed to let them try their luck elsewhere. Chicago isn’t losing much,” he wrote in his Sunday column,.

“But the Mariners have the opposite problem, and they hope that the winning ways of the Chicago region’s professional teams might prove contagious, an experience they’ve never had,” O’Shaughnessy concluded.

The Cubs are not the first baseball team to consider a move to Seattle. In the early sixties the Cleveland Indians considered such a relocation, and their achievements, or lack thereof, in the ensuing years have some baseball historians saying it might as well have happened – to the point that many Cleveland football fans blame the Indians’ flirting with Seattle for the Browns’ continued on-field failures, though they reserve most of their recriminations for Browns owner Art Modell, who shipped the team off to Baltimore and rechristened them the Ravens. In Baltimore the team actually won a championship, adding to Midwestern sports fan bitterness.

In 1969 the Pilots began playing in Seattle, but moved to Milwaukee the following year to become the Brewers.

Also on Sunday, New York Mets announced that they will be transforming their organization into a retirement center for aged Yankees castoffs, starting in 1962.

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