Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Archive for October 2014

Top Ten Up-To-Date- Ways To Make Your House Scary For Halloween

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We’ve all been there. So have the trick-or-treaters. Today’s youth sees gory, creepy images all the time. This is, after all, the age of Reality TV. They’ll yawn at your jack-o-lantern. So how do you give off that scary vibe in a jaded age? here are some tips.

Homer Christmas lights1. Turn Off The Christmas Lights

That’s right. We know you’ve had them up since Labor Day, ever since Congress mandated back in 2009 that Christmas lights have to be up within a week of back-to-school. Make your home look unapproachable by disconnecting the lights. Law enforcement won’t bother you about not following federal regulations, since the cops will be too busy shooting unarmed teenagers to bother with your little violation.

tp tree2. When You TP, Make It Used TP

The ghostly white effect of toilet paper hanging from tree branches carries extra oomph this year with Ebola on everyone’s minds. Bodily fluids are the way to achieve scary right now.

3. Use Actual Severed Heads Instead Of Pumpkins

These are readily available from your local ISIS outlet. Warning: these are heavier than they look. Consult the nearest FBI office for details, followed by the nearest federal prison.

4. Hang Warning Signs That The Treats You Provide Use GMO Food

Apparently, people are scared of things they know nothing about despite the fact that people who do know a thing or two about science have established no adverse effects from GMO. People are scary.

Biden5. Posters Of Joe Biden Sitting In The Oval Office

Seriously, this guy is the greatest insurance policy against a presidential assassination since Dan Quayle.

6. Use The Word “Literally” In Every Sense But Literally

Only if  you answer the door as a ghost or zombie can you use the statement, “I literally DIED,” correctly. This might only work on intelligent people, so if your neighborhood includes a significant number of NY Jets or Calgary Flames fans, prepare for disappointment. Note: this also applies to the use of “racist” to mean bigotry in general.

McDonald's7. Install A McDonald’s Logo On Your Roof

This method has the bonus effect of scaring the crap out of YOU when you see who comes by as a result.

8. Forget Blood; High-Fructose Corn Syrup Is The Way To Go

Apparently, everyone who consumes high-fructose corn syrup will die. Fact. Science! Also, statistics. We’re not sure whether that should carry an exclamation point.

9. Islamophobia

We’re not quite sure where to find this, actually, but we’re told by much of the media that this is the least desirable thing to have.

10. Repeatedly Play A Recording Of A Woman Saying, “We Have To Talk”

Admit it: your adrenalin started flowing just from reading this.

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Written by Thag

October 30, 2014 at 4:38 pm

NY Jets Embarrassed They All Wore The Same Thing Onto The Field AGAIN

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JetsEast Rutherford, NJ – Adding a fashion faux pas to a season already shaping up as a disaster, every single member of the New York Jets roster chose an identical outfit in which to appear for their game today.

The team’s 0-6 start to the season results from what commentators are calling the perfect storm of rotten luck, bad decisions, lack of coordination among players, and simmering tensions among rival teammates. To make matters worse, say analysts, the team committed an aesthetic and cultural gaffe by appearing in public all wearing the same clothes, save for different numbers on their jerseys.

“Oh, my gosh, lame,” explained commentator John Madden. “I mean, they have stalls, like, right next to one another in the locker room – you;d think they’d pick up on the fact that someone else is wearing, like the exact same thing.”

Bob Costas of NBC Sports concurred. “This could have been avoided with a minimal amount of preparatory work on the part of the players, and, failing that, the coaching staff. This really gives new meaning to the term Offensive Coordinator. I can’t think of a more apt term right now.”

Numerous Jets squads have begin their seasons 0-6, with the franchise often serving as a metaphor for perpetual cellar-dwellers. The team last won a Super Bowl in 1969, leaving athletic achievement to the more talented, better-trained, and more prestigious clubs in the National Football League. The lack of expectation from fans that the team post a winning record, let alone advance into the playoffs, has freed them to pursue attainments in other realms, such as sniping at one another and trying to wear their helmets at the jauntiest angle possible.

Players expressed shock and disgrace at the mistake. “I thought I had the original idea to match my jersey and football pants to the green and white of the turf and yard markers,” said Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson. “Imagine my chagrin upon discovering that all 52 of my teammates made the same fashion decision. I wish I could die.”

The incident recalls a similar episode in Borough Park, Brooklyn, last year, when fisticuffs broke out among adherents of Bobov and Ger Hasidic sects over which group had usurped the black frocks of the other.

Written by Thag

October 18, 2014 at 10:52 pm