Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Posts Tagged ‘celebrities

Tina Turner, Bonnie Tyler Debate Needing Hero

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Tina TurnerHollywood, June 1 – Entertainment personalities Bonnie Tyler and Tina Turner faced off last night, arguing opposing sides in the question of whether a brave, manly presence is necessary, or whether it would be counterproductive.

Tyler repeatedly asserted that a heroic, preferably male, figure was the only acceptable solution. She offered from personal experience that the presence of such a figure could be sensed just beyond our current horizons, and, if enough patience is exercised, that hero will eventually appear and perform the functions that a heroic personality could be expected to do, such as sweeping women off their feet and appearing larger than life.

Turner offered a rebuttal centering on the contention that the model of a hero as a source of salvation has been tried repeatedly, but that it provides no lasting comfort and in fact is ultimately detrimental and destructive. While not proposing any specific alternatives to Tyler’s arguments in favor of a hero, Turner did put forth a point-by-point treatment of the dangers inherent in looking to a hero. Those dangers include diminished horizons, fear, a legacy of suffering, and perhaps most troubling, the notion that nothing can be changed.

Bonnie TylerThe audience was evenly divided on the merits of the positions. Those who accepted Turner’s contentions that we do not need another hero nevertheless acknowledged the visceral, emotional appeal of Tyler’s assertions. While Turner clearly wished for society to aspire “beyond Thunderdome” – clearly a reference to the narrow vision and potential of society as it now stands – Tyler invoked images of actually racing with that thunder, and “rising with the heat” – a call to transcend our current limits, limits that only a hero would be equipped to overcome.

Turner warned against such “castles built in the air,” fantasies with no realistic chance of fulfillment. She allowed that love and compassion might provide succor, but could not envision the situation in which that might be made possible, and that in the interim, she could not understand what love had to do with it.

Written by Thag

June 1, 2014 at 3:20 pm

Report: Apparently, Shirley Temple Was Still Alive

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220px-Little_Princess_4Woodside, CA, February 11 – Shirley Temple Black, one of America’s most iconic film stars, was apparently still alive until yesterday, various news outlets are reporting.

Mrs. Black, it emerges, was 85 years old and still very much breathing and functioning until her passing by what her family called “natural causes.” Admirers and film aficionados were as saddened by her death as they were by the news that until that point she wasn’t dead yet.

“We though she’d gone a long time ago,” said veteran director Roman Polanski. “I mean, she was Reagan’s ambassador to Czechoslovakia, but then she kind of disappeared. We thought she’d quietly passed on sometime in the nineties, maybe.”

Even those who might be expected to know better were taken by surprise that the actress, who starred in 44 films in the 1930’s. “I, uh, I guess this is unfortunate,” said Elise Dorkin, President of the Shirley Temple Admirers Association. “But we had all assumed Shirley died some time in the last fifteen years.” She said she would take a poll of the organization’s membership to determine who, if anyone, was aware that Mrs. Black was still among the living until yesterday.

“You’d think it would be an easy thing to look up, considering the Wikipedia page was just updated a few hours ago,” said Liz Smith, who writes about celebrity gossip. “It probably never occurred to anyone to look at the stupid page,” she mused, noting that obviously at least one person outside Mrs Black’s family knew she was alive, at least when the Wikipedia entry was composed: “It didn’t include a death date when it was written, obviously.”

After becoming America’s sweetheart as a child in Depression-era movies, Shirley Temple more or less stepped away from Hollywood in 1940 and toward a life more involved in politics and diplomacy, a function of her husband’s ties to the Republican Party. While she occasionally starred in or produced film or television content, her life in front of the camera gradually faded, leaving legions of fans in the dark as to her continued existence.

Written by Thag

February 11, 2014 at 2:52 pm

Report: Dude Looks Like A Lady

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220px-DudelookslikealadyLos Angeles (AP) – A survey of the available data on the appearance of a male in the vicinity shows that he resembles a female, area observers have reported.

Researchers Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, and Desmond Child conducted a series of observations to catalog the clothing, hair style, facial features, jewelry, footwear, gait, and mannerisms of a New York man, and published their findings in the journal Permanent Vacation. The article, titled “Dude Looks Like a Lady,” describes the data that led the team of researchers to their conclusion.

Among the observations that brought Tyler, Perry, and Child to their conclusion were the carefully styled long hair and the facial cosmetics applied in a manner consistent with common female practice, as well as more obvious clues such as the wearing of garments typically worn by women and not men, such as a gown. The team included a list of the factors, and logged the events during the study that indicated an emerging picture of femininity despite the manifest anatomical indicators of masculine phenotype.

The site of that served as the arena for the observations was a business establishment reputed as a frequent location for the appearance of males resembling females. The team relied on informal reports from local residents and business proprietors as to the recommended candidate observation sites, and found in their research that the recommendations were corroborated by the ease with which they identified a dude who looked like a lady.

“The solidity of the evidence in this case is impressive,” says Euphegenia Doubtfire, a San Francisco expert on cross-dressing who was not involved in the study. “Based on the description of the area and the observed individual’s features as described in the article, it is clear that the researchers did a commendable job in identifying the actual, as opposed to assumed, sex of that individual.

Not everyone agrees with the premises of the observation, though few actually challenge the conclusions. Researcher Nikki Sixx, who was not  involved in the research but was apprised of its progress, disputes the accuracy of the circumstances surrounding the observation, and his claims, if true, would cast doubt on the reliability of the data set.

For example, according to Sixx, the observed individual was not, as Tyler describes him, a “drag queen,” but one of Sixx’s associates, Vince Neil. According to Neil himself, who claims to have been involved in the preliminary stage of the research, the impetus for the study was actually a member of the wait staff at a bar. Neither Sixx nor Neil, however, dispute the conclusion that the observed dude indeed looks like a lady.

Written by Thag

January 7, 2014 at 7:41 pm

Ornithologists: Doves Don’t Cry; Prince An Idiot

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When Doves CryLos Angeles (AP) – Scientists who study avian physiology and behavior have criticized Prince’s 1984 single When Doves Cry, accusing the singer/songwriter of sowing ignorance – or, more likely, betraying it.

Noting that pigeons do not even have tear ducts, ornithologist Dror Adler of the University of California at Los Angeles and several other UCLA researchers castigated Prince, whose number-one single, the lead track from the album Purple Rain, for spreading inaccurate information about birds in general and doves in particular. “Even if doves could cry, which any fool knows they can’t, they certainly wouldn’t sound like the garbage-pail-worthy lyrics Prince seems to think they would express,” wrote Adler in an article for the journal Ornithology Today. Nor would it resemble the instrumental portions of the song, which Adler likened to the results of a Read the rest of this entry »

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December 5, 2013 at 3:20 pm

Scientists To McCartney: Lonely People Come From New York

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Eleanor RigbyLiverpool, United Kingdom (AP) – After nearly fifty years of research, scientists have finally been able to supply a satisfactory answer to a query first posed in a 1966 paper by noted social researcher Sir Paul McCartney regarding the origins of people with few or no intimate relationships. They point to New York, where millions of people live and work, and work very hard to avoid making eye contact.

The original paper, Eleanor Rigby: Lonely People in Aeolian and Dorian Modes, looked at the lives of two Lancashire residents who had no apparent friends or nearby relatives, one of whom died during the period of observation. The authors – McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison, Ringo Starr, and Pete Shotton – took pains to set the particulars of the subjects’ lives against the meta-questions affecting socially limited individuals, repeatedly returning to the question of where such individuals originate.  Read the rest of this entry »

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November 11, 2013 at 3:12 pm

Billy Joel Denies Starting Fire

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Joel in 2009.

Joel in 2009.

Oyster Bay, NY (AP) – Noted singer-songwriter Billy Joel has maintained his and other suspects’ innocence in massive case of arson dating back to 1949, casting blame on more than a hundred other people, movements, and events. Joel repeatedly asserts that he and others did not start the fire.

While no one has named Joel or anyone else specifically as involved, the 64-year-old entertainer has issued an explicit list of persons of interest or other causes that, in his opinion, require investigation. The series of accusations began in 1989, with the release of his album Storm Front, on which the Bronx native spent more than three minutes listing the various characters who might have some light to shed on who started the fire.

The litany of alleged suspects includes presidents and other world leaders; entertainers and athletes; terrorist incidents; multiple foreign states; and the US government’s apparent neglect of veterans of the war in Vietnam, among others. However, at least one inconsistency in Joel’s words has led observers to question the veracity of the accusations. The singer claims the fire has been burning since the Earth began its rotation approximately 4.5 billion years ago, while none of the suspects he mentions was born earlier than the late nineteenth century.

Additionally, and suspiciously, every suspect he names attained some prominence in the news or in world affairs, leading some to wonder why Joel singled out only the famous, powerful, or notorious for an act of starting fire, which almost anyone can do.

Apparently unprompted, Joel rattled off the suspicious individuals and developments rapidly, beginning with Harry S. Truman, who began his second term as US President in 1949. Other prominent individuals who enjoyed fame around the same time are also included in Joel’s list. He proceeded almost methodically through the ensuing decades, mentioning names of celebrities, international crises, and medical disasters that made headlines during those years.

It remains unclear how the assassination of John F. Kennedy in 1963, for example, could have resulted in a fire, but Joel has repeated his claims in many subsequent encounters, including in the presence of tens of thousands of people at various arenas around the world. In the 24 years since he began flinging the accusations, interest has waxed and waned in the list of suspects and their possible accomplices, but has not entirely gone away. Police, however, have not commented on whether they lend any credence to Joel’s claims.

Nassau County Police Chief Joseph Buonarotti declined to offer any information on the investigation, if any. Sources within the department who spoke on condition of anonymity cautioned that any such investigation would probably lie beyond the jurisdiction of the Nassau County Police, as the people and events to be investigated have only a marginal connection, if any, to the county.

At press time, Joel was on a Downeaster boat named Alexa, cruising through Block Island Sound.

Written by Thag

October 3, 2013 at 3:13 pm

Appendix Has Inflamed Elton John Removed

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Elton JohnMonaco (AP) – Facing a growing threat from the development of an Elton John around it, an appendix has had the musician surgically removed. The surgery took place two weeks ago in Monaco.

In recent weeks the Elton John tissues in the vicinity of the appendix had become inflamed, and antibiotics became necessary to keep the John from causing further, possibly irreversible or fatal, damage to the appendix. Surgeons performed the operation after the regimen of medications had forestalled the immediate danger.

The appendix characterized the growth of the multiple Grammy Award winner as a “ticking time bomb” that posed a mortal threat. While the danger was very real, however, surgery to remove such parasitic entities from appendixes are exceedingly routine, and no complications were reported in this case.

As a result of the successful operation, the appendix has been spared having to go with an attached Elton John to the ceremony granting the singer the Brits Icon Award, where it would risk exposure to perilous levels of glurge, hyperbole, flattery, shallowness, gossiping, and vanity.

Written by Thag

August 14, 2013 at 11:38 pm

Bono Has Scaled Mountains, Walls; Still Hasn’t Found What He’s Looking For

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Joshua TreeLos Angeles, July 29 (AP) – Despite years of intense effort, the lead singer of one of the world’s most successful rock bands has still not located the object of his quest.

U2’s vocalist Bono has ascended steep slopes leading to extreme altitudes with the averred single purpose of spending time in your presence. To the same end he has sprinted or jogged across numerous open areas in rural or countryside settings.

Perhaps realizing that the above locations were ill-suited to fulfilling his desire, Bono conducted the same activities elsewhere: first he moved quickly on foot, irrespective of location, and when that mode of transportation proved inappropriate, got down on all fours and proceeded thus. He also made vertical advances, specifically going up the municipal ramparts, with the same aim as before.

As of this writing, however, he has yet to succeed in obtaining what he set out to find, and he has made repeated verbal observation to that effect.

Changing tacks, Bono attempted to achieve his goal by romantic means, notably some sweet-tasting osculation and receiving therapeutic touch from the digits of a female he has so far declined to identify. The result, he recalls, left a caustic sensation accompanied by lust.

Moving on to other realms to continue the pursuit, Bono conversed with both heavenly beings and at least one denizen of the underworld – perhaps Lucifer himself – and recalls that although the atmosphere remained of high kinetic energy even after sundown, he nevertheless experienced a drop in body temperature, or at least the perception of it.

Despite these efforts, as before, Bono has yet to locate the target of his quest, and he would tell you so again.

Turning an eschatological eye toward the future, the vocalist and social activist sees fit to proclaim his faith in the advent of an ideal, post-historic era when differences and conflicts will be erased, but for some reason his clinging to this belief has not relieved him of the need to continue moving forward quickly in his quest.

Now Bono addresses your actions directly, noting that you have undone certain restraints and removed fetters, in addition to wielding a symbolic crucifix simultaneous with his embarrassment, a fact that evidently carries so much emotional weight that he repeats it. He also asserts that you were aware of his credulity at the time.

Apparently, all of this psychological upheaval has made the vocalist somewhat distraught. At press time, he was repeating, ad nauseam, that he has yet to successfully lay eyes on the object of his search.

Written by Thag

July 29, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Rolling Stone: ALL of Our Covers Glorify Someone Objectionable

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Tsarnaev Rolling StoneNew York, NY, July 18 (AP) – Reacting to widespread criticism of his magazine’s featuring Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover of its August issue, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner wondered aloud why Tsarnaev’s appearance was any more objectionable that that of the other questionable role models the publication has glorified over the years.

The cover article, by Janet Reitman, explores the childhood influences and life of the bombing suspect before he was arrested for the April terrorist attacks. The controversy involves not the material of the article, which most readers agree demonstrates journalistic integrity, but the magazine’s decision to feature Tsarnaev on its cover, a spot usually reserved for prominent entertainment or political figures. National chains such as Walgreen’s and CVS have refused to sell the August issue, ignoring the fact that nearly every other Rolling Stone issue features a cover photo of someone heavily involved in unsavory, illegal, or harmful activities.

“When people say nothing of our lionizing of drug addicts, womanizers, and abusers of their romantic partners, I have to say I find this particular bit of noise disingenuous,” said Wenner. In its 46-year history the magazine has featured Woody Allen, whose marriage to Mia Farrow dissolved over his sexual relationship with the couple’s adopted daughter; Madonna, who has been second only to porn stars in glamorizing the sexualization of women; and Kurt Cobain, whose substance abuse and stormy relationship with Courtney Love eventually led to his 1994 suicide. According to Wenner, these three were but the tip of the cultural iceberg that Rolling Stone’s covers represented, and he could not help but wonder what made Americans stay silent until now.

My Little Pony“Actually, it’s more of a cesspool than an iceberg. Are you telling me it’s OK to heap praise on people who promote the use of LSD, such as several of The Beatles? Or Jimi Hendrix, who died because he took eighteen times the recommended dosage of sleeping pills?” continued an incredulous Wenner. “Heck, even our own writer, Hunter S. Thompson, admitted to using drugs, alcohol, and violence, and he also killed himself. What do you expect from us, My Little Pony?”

In response to suggestions that Tsarnaev was a different order of unpleasant character, an actual terrorist and murderer, Wenner retorted that Rolling Stone had on four occasions put none other than Richard Nixon on its cover, and asked reporters why no one seemed to care then that the publication was lionizing a hateful, bloodthirsty, bigoted, corrupt hypocrite responsible for the loss of thousands of American, Vietnamese, Cambodian, and other lives. “The Guy was scum,” noted Wenner. “Where were all these critics then?”

At press time, an animated South Park version of Saddam Hussein and an image of Darth Vader, who have also appeared on Rolling Stone covers, were heard laughing in a sinister fashion.

Written by Thag

July 18, 2013 at 12:52 pm

Report: Delusions of Grandeur at All-Time High

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James BrownNew York, July 1 (AP) – Following decades of doting parenthood, reluctance to impart criticism, and the ever-increasing availability of social media to feed narcissistic tendencies, the number of people who see themselves as great, or at least destined for greatness, is at unprecedented levels, according to a report from the National Association of Really, Cosmically, Indubitably, Super Special Unique Stars (NARCISSUS).

The 95-page report, published Monday, analyzed the findings of several studies, though this analysis was preceded by 90 pages of exploration as to the source of the association’s manifest awesomeness. The studies determined that as a result of exclusively positive feedback from parents, teachers, and other figures of authority, the emerging generation of young adults, especially in the United States, contains a higher percentage than ever of individuals who wrongly believe they are God’s gift to the universe, the opposite sex, potential employers, academic institutions, and other prospective participants in relationships.

Before the emergence of the Baby Boomers and Generations X, Y, and so-called Millennials, relatively few people had sustained, outsize images of themselves, according to Maya Eego-Booszt, editor of the journal Mine, who was not involved in the study but supported it under the assumption it was, as everything else, about her. “The people who genuinely believed themselves to be of global importance has been steadily on the rise for almost half a century,” she noted, citing the mass navel-gazing of the 1960’s and the Yuppie mentality of the 1980’s as markers of the trend. 

“But once upon a time life was challenging enough that the vast majority of people encountered the sobering reality early on,” she explained, meaning that any illusions of greatness they harbored were dashed in all but the most obtuse, sociopathic individuals. “Invariably, those sociopaths went into careers that attracted such personalities, such as politics or entertainment, which is how we wound up with Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Kim Song-Il, Mussolini, de Gaulle, James Brown, and every operatic tenor.”

But with the rise of mass media and the softening of living conditions of billions around the globe over the last fifty years or so, countless young people reach physical maturity without encountering any situations that pose serious questions about their assumed ability to surmount all obstacles. As a corollary, the same masses of individuals continue their parents’ work in nurturing the sense that everyone else, and everything they encounter, is theirs to exploit.

Kanye WestFor some, says social critic Constance Facepalm, their delusion is narrowed to specific fields of endeavor, such as expressed loyalty to a specific sports franchise, or ability to sound off endlessly on certain political, social, or cultural issues such as Lindsay Lohan and her latest escapades.

“There’s a natural affinity that these deluded egomaniacs have for other misguided, corrupt souls,” she says. “What other period in history could have such attention showered on a Kanye-West-Kim-Kardashian-type story and have so many people genuinely believe it’s newsworthy? Only a generation that sees itself as illuminated by that story in ways it considers flattering.”

“But they’re all ridiculously obese,” she continued. “It boggles the mind.”

Written by Thag

July 1, 2013 at 3:56 pm

Obama Gleefully Awaits Senate Rejection of Schadenfreude Secretary Appointment

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schadenfreudeWashington DC (AP) – President Obama named Republican Mitt Romney to head the Department of Schadenfreude today, and fully expects the Senate to reject the move. The appointment marks the latest in a series of embarrassments for the defeated presidential candidate, episodes in which the reelected chief executive apparently takes pleasure.

Outgoing Schadenfreude Secretary Paris Hilton will stay on until an appropriate replacement can be found. The Democrat-controlled Senate, which must approve all Presidential appointments, is extremely unlikely to allow Romney to gain validation of any sort, which , according to analysts, is exactly the point.

“The President has been reveling in kicking Romney in the teeth since right after the first debate,” said David Axelrod, an Obama adviser and confidante. “And he instinctively senses that the American people in general feel the same way – that no amount of shame heaped upon that entitled, out-of-touch, sexist, mercurial, pandering plutocrat is too much shame.”

The Department of Schadenfreude administers the joy Americans feel at the misfortune of others. Its main efforts are focused on ensuring that news items about public figures or celebrities caught in unsavory or illegal acts garner the media attention they deserve, guaranteeing an adequate supply of schadenfreude for American consumers. Its most successful initiative by far has been the creation of reality TV, which both creates and feeds demand for clips of celebrities engaging in activities or making statements that would humiliate Americans with an actual brain or conscience.

Bush vomitAxelrod noted that the department could continue to function without a formally appointed secretary, as it did for years under Reagan and Bush, but at the time the sitting President provided enough schadenfreude on his own. Reagan, memorably, testified before a Congressional committee that he did not know what his own foreign policy was, and Bush vomited all over the Japanese Prime Minister and expressed astonishment at everyday supermarket technology encountered by normal people who know what it means to do an honest day’s work and maintain a household without teams of paid servants. Obama, however, exhibits notable self-control and had an unprivileged upbringing, factors that severely limit the intensity of schadenfreude that he can personally generate, except among certain Tea Party voters. Those voters account for an increasingly less significant portion of the American schadenfreude audience, according to census data.

Secretary Hilton’s stint as Secretary of Schadenfreude has been called a letdown by some critics, most of whom cite Hilton’s rise to schadenfreude prominence as an auspicious beginning to what could have been a storied career of public relations train wrecks for the heiress, but turned out to be a one-hit wonder – though that hit still draws occasional attention among a select audience. Columnist Liz Smith observed as much after Hilton’s appointment four years ago, saying that the American public had already reached the point beyond which empathy and mere prurient interest far outpaced the thrill people feel when the hotel chain heiress’s recorded escapades are mentioned.

Other names that have been floated among Obama advisers for the position also include Mel Gibson, Donald Trump, Bill Gates and Prince Andrew Windsor.

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Written by Thag

January 8, 2013 at 11:07 pm

Some Celebrity or Other Star Arrested, Charged

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hello tagLos Angeles, CA/New York NY (News Agency) – A past-his-or-her-prime director/actor/actress/musician was arrested yesterday in the Los Angeles/New York area for driving over the speed limit/domestic violence/DWI/drug possession. His/her publicist/agent/attorney maintained his/her innocence and lambasted the media for the excessive, salacious coverage.

The former big-time star of stage and/or screen, known for his/her work on a hit song/production/film/show, has had brushes with the law before, notably when he/she was arrested on charges of shoplifting/soliciting a prostitute/prostitution in a previous year. The celebrity underwent rehabilitation/did community service and made a brief comeback.

Once a staple of celebrity magazine coverage, the fading star now finds himself/herself more often mentioned in publications such as The National Enquirer and as an element of twentysomethings’ informal trivia sessions among friends. The celebrity is best known for his/her Grammy/Emmy/Daytime Emmy/Oscar/Golden Globe/Tony Award winning performance/song/film/Broadway show, but also won a measure of fame for other work in music/Hollywood/television/theater productions.

The celebrity was discovered by famed/legendary producer/director/talent scout/casting director X, who saw/heard him/her in an amateur production of show/video/song/play and quickly signed him/her for a role in a movie/in a music video/in a stage production/as a backup singer, which gave the celebrity exposure and led to larger, more prominent roles/singing engagements.

Al BundyHe/she dated a notable athlete/actor/actress/musician/model until the latter admitted an affair with a different celebrity. This was followed by a relationship with a notable athlete/actor/actress/musician/model, which resulted in marriage that lasted several months. The two had met on the set of [production name].

The star’s biggest hit earned him/her millions and cemented his/her place among the red carpet names that year. He/she followed up with a strong performance/appearance in a subsequent movie/video/song/show, but eventually faded and succumbed to substance abuse and/or violence and dysfunctional relationships. He/she attempted suicide last year after overdosing on heroin/crack/meth/alcohol.

His/her press agent/publicist/attorney blamed media attention for his/her client’s sad situation.

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Written by Thag

January 7, 2013 at 8:19 am

A Look at the Messiah’s Mail

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Your Majesty:

I think I speak for all of humanity when I ask, “When will you be here?”


Dear Louise:

You didn’t really think I wouldn’t know who you are, did you? Please.

As to your question, that’s up to you and your fellow [checks RSS feed] seven billion humans. It gets a little old to hear the refrain of people simply waiting for the End of Days, as if my job is to swoop in and rescue everyone from themselves. I’m the one waiting for you people.

But I want to be as helpful as possible, so please take care of the following issues before I can even consider becoming manifest:

1. Reality TV. I refuse to share the planet with an abomination of that magnitude. Same goes for chocolate-covered raisins. Or raisins in general. Yuck. And “white” chocolate. It’s not chocolate, people. The most you can hope for is that it contains some cocoa butter, but you’ll only get that if you buy the more expensive stuff. Keep calling it by the moniker of the Drink of the Gods and this divinely ordained king will not be paying you a visit any time soon.
2. Video games. Seriously, humanity? You couldn’t find a better way to spend billions and billions of dollars?
3. LinkedIn. I simply cannot countenance the hyper-earnestness of it all.
4. Tobacco executives. Humans, if you cannot find it within your abilities to get rid of these sleazy, greedy, cynical hypocrites, don’t expect me to do it for you.
5.  Abstract art. Oh, you’re just so clever, so meta. You’re an arrogant swine is what you are. I’m talking to you, Christo.
6. Celebrity gossip. Celebrities in general.

That will do for now. I’m sure you’ll have your hands full with those items, but if you do manage to fix all those issues, I’ll be happy to send along a few more.

Yours truly,

The Messiah
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Written by Thag

July 17, 2012 at 11:06 pm

A Guy That Wealthy Should Be Able to Afford Some Intelligence

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May 30, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Tom Brady’s Twitter Feed

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MHK on our Jerseys. No disrespect for the Kraft family, but shouldn’t mine say MVP?

Winning the coin-toss and choosing to kick off. It’s more fun to crush opponents when you pretend to give them a chance first.

Uh-oh. Tummy rumbling. Shoulda had another bowl of Wheaties.

Intentional grounding, my foot! Or Gronkowski’s foot. Better his than mine, right?

Did I leave the iron on? Damn, can’t even ask Gisele to check; she’s here too. What the hell is that thing for, anyway?

Down 9-0. Child’s play. Now all we have to do is win.

I always thought coach Belichick could be a presidential candidate if he smiled more.

See? Shred the middle defense – it’s that simple. They don’t stand a chance! I’m awesome!

Bill for President – I can really see it. If he wins he can make it legal for us to cheat again.

Halftime. But you knew that. Charlie Sheen knows nothing about winning.

Madonna at halftime? Really? I didn’t know she was still alive.

Pep talk. We’re trailing! And we have them right where we want them! We’ll surprise them by throwing the game! They’ll NEVER expect that!

Got some Wheaties. All is right with the world.

Some kid wants my autograph. His folks mortgaged their home for the game tickets; you’d think there’d be enough left over to buy one online.

Back to the game. You know, locker-room wedgies never get old. And you thought Welker couldn’t look sillier.

That’s right, Eli. Archie’s not your daddy. You know who is. Boo-yah!

Boo-yah? WTF? Can’t we come up with something snappier? I’ll ask Giselle.

You can’t touch me, Tuck! You couldn’t sack the dust off a- OOOF!

What’s this green stuff in my face? Is that what the turf looks like? Jeez, can’t the Colts afford to hire a groundskeeper?

Mental note: next time, make sure to put on the right size athletic supporter. “Tight End” has a new meaning.

OK, so the defense surrendered two unanswered field goals. We’ll still squash ’em, just like we squashed ’em in ’08! Oh, wait…

I missed Welker. I NEVER miss. That’s gotta be his fault. I’m too awesome for it to be my fault.

Manning, Manningham. Who can tell the difference? Apparently, the defense can’t.

The Giants screwed up and scored a touchdown when they didn’t mean to, and that’s good for us. I’ll explain later.

Which reminds me. Remember the part about throwing the game? We MEANT to let them score. I %$#@ you not.

57 seconds and 2 time outs. No problem.

4th and 10. OK, problem.

Because I’m awesome!

OK, we might have a problem. But it’s not my fault, because I’m awesome.

Time for one more play. We can do it, because I’m awesome.

It’s up! A Hail Mary! Get it, boys, get it…..!

I don’t care. I’m still awesome. I get to go home with a supermodel, no matter how much we sucked today. Remember that, losers.

Written by Thag

February 6, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I Used to Keep Up with Memes, Then I Took an Arrow to the Knee

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December 20, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Couple in Failed Relationship Files for Marriage

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The press conference at the city clerk's office. From left: Elizabeth, Walter, Albert, Chrissy, Buford, Glenda, Rebecca and Jake. Not shown: Michael (Forgetty Images).

MALVERNE, NY (AP) – After three years of on-again, off-again dating, Hector Lopez and Maria Polkowski decided yesterday to put an end to their troublesome courtship, announcing a wedding date of December 31.

At a press conference on the steps of the city clerk’s office, Lopez, 41, and Polkowski, 39, explained that their decision involved a host of factors including their advancing ages, annual incomes, bathroom habits and the complete breakdown of both parties’ relationships with their respective parents. “Hector and I thought long and hard about this, “said Polkowski. “We shouted at each other every night for three weeks. I could have done more, but my vocal cords wouldn’t hold out.”

“A good thing, too,” added Lopez, “because she almost had me convinced it was time to dump that sad sack. But I took a good look in the mirror and asked myself if I’d really be better off with no one in my life to nag me for coming home drunk every day.”

Kenny G's soprano saxophone (UTI).

The couple met in the waiting room at the dentist, when Lopez needed a root canal and Polkowski stopped in to deliver her back issues of Newsweek. The two struck up an awkward conversation, as Lopez’s pain prevented him from properly pronouncing most words. Polkowski made repeated unnecessary visits to Dr. Gertler’s practice on the off chance that Lopez would be there for further treatment. “I even took back issues of random magazines and supermarket circulars as an excuse,” she confessed. The dentist agreed to put them in touch, and the pair soon discovered shared interests in Kenny G, UFOs and gambling addiction support groups.

However, Lopez’s financial situation worsened after he was laid off from his pizza delivery job, and the instability threatened his relationship with Polkowski. The relationship petered out after several months, or so they thought: the two wound up on opposing sides of a car accident several months later, and the romance was rekindled. The next two years saw a cycle of co-dependence and enabling of destructive behaviors, primarily Lopez’s drinking and Polkowski’s addiction to daytime soap operas.

We cannot believe we actually searched Google Images for this. Now we need a shower (ASAP).

At the press conference, Lopez declined to specify how he intends to address the challenges of marriage. “It’s like playing house. I’ve played house before. It’s even more fun when you’ve had a few beers. So that’ll be what we do. Maria, isn’t that what Jack did on The Young and the Restless? Maria? Hello?”

At press time, Polkowski was unavailable, as press time coincides with the opening credits of The Bold and the Beautiful.

Written by Thag

December 10, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Actually, You COULD Make This Stuff Up

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In the B Movie

In the Trashy Novel

In Your Life

Tuxedoed men and elegantly gowned women holding glasses of wine in a plush room; police detective enters. Crockett felt out of place in the vast hall of Hathaway Manor. The dazzling crystal chandeliers only emphasized his sense of displacement as every eye in the room turned toward him and then away again, dismissing the sight as yet another irrelevant intrusion. But the criminal was there. He’d made one crucial mistake. Arrive at work. Find coffee carafe already empty. Exchange insipid banter with receptionist. Curse life-sucking routine.
Our hero leaps into a convertible and takes off in pursuit of the villain. Hot on the Slade’s heels, Pruitt took the steps three at a time, ducking at each landing in anticipation of gunfire. But all he heard on his way down to the parking garage was the continued rush of footfalls three flights ahead. Pruitt kicked open the door to level B3 in time to see Slade’s black BMW disappear up the exit ramp and into the night. Drop your keys repeatedly on the way through the liquor store parking lot. Accidentally kick them into a storm drain.
Obligatory sex scene showing his rippling pectorals and much more of her. Sasha’s breath quickened as Dale ran his fingers down her neck, tracing the contours of her torso with his lips. A six-pack of Bud Light and the underwear models page of the 1988 Sears Christmas catalog.
Gripping, thrilling music to accompany a violent horseback chase. Despite her dainty looks, Vanessa’s equestrian skills were second to none. She guided her black mare at a gallop toward the bridge over Grissom Gulch, unaware that Anderson’s henchmen had burned it down the night before, and lay in wait in the surrounding woods. You stepped in horse manure at the parade again, didn’t you? Eww. Go clean your shoes before you come into the house.
Band of pirates converges in the forest on the young boy and girl who have absconded with the lost treasure. In the moonlight Alan could see the shadows of men massing in the clearing. He checked to see whether Clara still had the bundle strapped around her waist. To attempt escape now meant finding their way past a hundred armed thugs. To sit tight meant certain discovery and capture at daybreak. He stifled a shudder. The abridged version of Treasure Island quickly scanned before the quiz at school tomorrow.
Futuristic technology that enables instantaneous communication across impossibly vast stretches of space. When the engineer entered the code again, the soft hum of the neutrino antenna array told Koss it was ready to transmit. Easterbrook’s mission to Andromeda, and thus the fate of human civilization, hung in the balance. Koss thought again of Alicia and her ebony tresses. “Hello? Who is this? I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up. Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Hello?”


“%$#@! cell phone.”

Breathtaking scenes of wildlife in pristine habitats. Marshall’s crew battled fierce winds and icy waves as the Dreadnought plowed farther south in search of the lost elephant seal colony. “Trevor! Stop knocking on the glass of the snake exhibit or we’ll leave the zoo this instant!”
Characters with impossibly convincing disguises Clark’s knack for languages and culture allowed him to blend in seamlessly anywhere between Morocco and Osaka; and with the help of his connections in Hollywood –a holdover from his previous life as a stuntman – he could get his hands on almost any mask imaginable. On several occasions, in fact, he had impersonated heads of state in three African countries, fooling even the men’s personal bodyguards. Children’s trick-or-treat costumes are 3 for twenty bucks at Target.
Glamorized historical figures Lincoln took a long drag on his cigar before answering. He regarded the general curiously, as if considering whether to order the filet mignon or the duck l’orange. In fact the President intended to have both the next evening after a trip to Ford’s Theater, with perhaps a sip or two of champagne at the show itself. He knew what Mrs. Lincoln would have on under her gown, and that champagne worked like magic to turn her on. “You know, George Washington’s false teeth weren’t actually made of wood. You can look it up.”
Fascinating alien creatures, alternately terrifying and beautiful. The desert mongbat of Perseus II feasted almost exclusively on the flesh of errant astronauts, but not before tormenting them with hallucinations of the most exquisite erotic imagery. “Daddy! The goldfish died again!”

Written by Thag

October 3, 2011 at 2:41 pm

For Sale: Batteries (Batteries Not Included)

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What the TV Commercial Shows

What the Commercial Would Have You Believe

What Happens in the Real World

A whole family enjoying their fried chicken dinner, smacking their lips and smiling throughout Loudly eating one’s food somehow constitutes acceptable behavior at the table. “If you smack your lips one more time you will get no dessert. It’s been a long day. Just eat quietly or Mommy will get upset again.”
A car driving along a winding country road If you buy this car, you will experience the pleasure that can only be had by handling a precision-engineered roadster in welcoming scenery. If you buy this car, you will experience the same traffic and frustration as you do with your current model, only with less money remaining in your bank account.
A highly visible name-brand, well-groomed men and attractive women The mere presence of a particular beverage at your event, however humble, will make everyone associate you with attractiveness, and of course everyone will have a great time. You will spend slightly more money on the brand featured in the commercial, but not much else will change.
Teenage boys giving one another high-fives upon discovering a certain beverage in the refrigerator The parents who chose to purchase the beverage must be the coolest people on the face of the Earth. Your children will complain that you bought the “wrong” brand no matter what you do.
A daughter asking her mother about that “not-so-fresh” feeling Daughters routinely discuss their intimate habits and icky moments with their mothers. Daughters would dive into a swimming pool filled with razors and lemon juice before they would discuss intimate matters with Mom.
A celebrity recommending or enjoying the product By purchasing this product, you associate yourself with the greatness that the celebrity represents. By purchasing this product, you associate yourself with all the other suckers who think there’s some actual association between the celebrity and you.
People chatting freely on their mobile phones, blithely unconcerned with cost Join this cellular plan and enjoy meeting your telecommunication needs without the stress of a complicated or expensive payment plan. You forgot to read the fine print, and the advantages offered in the commercial don’t actually apply to you.
A veritable army of action figures, elaborately laid out, with several excited, happy children clearly having a great time using them These toys will keep your kids occupied for hours on end with good, clean, creative fun. Three words: Each Sold Separately.
Lithe, scantily clad models with faraway looks Buy this fragrance and transform all your human encounters into sexual adventures. The knock-off brands at CVS are just as good and a LOT cheaper. Plus, the checkout girl there is kinda cute.
A jumbo jet cruising gracefully along above the clouds, with the sun glinting appropriately off various parts of the fuselage Choosing this airline will get you to your destination quickly, reliably, affordably and comfortably. TSA agents are paid to make your life miserable, you coach-ticket-buying prole.
A smiling customer with an overloaded shopping cart, examining her receipt with a gratified look The low, low prices at this supermarket will transform the mundane act of buying groceries into retail Nirvana. The low, low prices at this supermarket are made possible by lousy service, crowded aisles, defective carts and the entire population of your region descending on the store exactly when you wish to make your purchases; then some jerk will nonchalantly amble into the “10 items or less” checkout lane with a cartful of stuff and play all innocent.
Tropical beaches; tanned, sexy people in swimsuits; palm trees This vacation destination has everything you want, and then some. Getting sand in your swimsuit, not to mention your unmentionable parts, is horrible. The humidity will encase your skin in a permanent layer of sweat. You will break the bank getting there and back, and when it’s all over you have to go back to work, if you even still have a job. Oh, and the airline lost your luggage.
Snappy lines from a new comedy now in theaters This film will have you rolling in the aisles with laughter. The lines in the commercial were the only remotely amusing ones in the whole movie.
Politician X looking important, accomplished and concerned for Americans Like You Politician X is the right choice if you want safer streets, better education for your children, a strong military, secure retirement, growing economy, sound foreign policy and restored national pride. Politician X is a low-life, womanizing, corrupt, venal Machiavellian with good hair.
Stylish people romping or relaxing in stylish clothes with other stylish people in stylish clothes These clothes will make you stylish, especially if other people can see the brand-name label on them. Nobody worth spending your time with will assign any importance to the label on your clothes.

Written by Thag

October 2, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Hold Your Turkey Up to the Screen for A While and It’ll Cook

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It’s time to stop dismissing the “False” tales you see on Snopes.com. I’m here to tell you, from now on, it will all be true. I’ll see to it myself.

My weekend plans call for a trip to Florida, where I’ll cruise the highway late at night without headlights. When an oncoming motorist flashes to apprise me of this omission, I will kill that person. If necessary, I will repeat the procedure a number of times so that it becomes an established pattern.

Then I will begin leaving HIV-containing syringes in the coin-return compartment of public telephones, with a note welcoming the eventual victims to the wonderful world of AIDS. I better hurry on that count, as public phones are a dying breed, as it were.

From there I will move on to bars where out-of-town travelers often go, and smooth-talk my way into leaving with a healthy-looking specimen of humanity. He will wake up in a bathtub of ice and both kidneys missing. I have no use for kidneys – I’m more of a liver man, myself – but if the urban legend must be made real, then the organ-ized crime is the important part.

I shall monitor the internet for word of sick or missing children. If any such reports appear to be false, I shall track down children by those names and kidnap them or make them sick, depending on the story. I shall put semen in restaurant food, tumor pus in mayonnaise. I shall drop food on the floor and apply disinfectant within five seconds, rendering the Five Second Rule true. I shall put severed human fingers in bowls of Wendy’s chili.

I shall disguise myself as a Korean and cook your dog into soup. I shall dress in drag and hitch a ride along a lonely highway, letting you catch but a glimpse of my bloody axe and hairy legs as I exit the car in the middle of nowhere. I shall assume the garb of a Middle Easterner and reward the kindness of a stranger by warning her to stay away from a major metropolitan area on Labor Day Weekend.

I shall sneak into position at the Coney Island Aquarium; when an airplane flies overhead, I shall knock the birds over backwards. I will gather the rice thrown at weddings and use it to asphyxiate birds. I shall impersonate a police officer and stake out areas where praying mantises frolic, waiting to arrest anyone who harms them. At the elephant exhibit, I shall pull out a mouse, but make noises to scare the beasts.

I shall develop a chewing gum that adheres to the inside of the digestive tract for seven years. I shall buy your warts, then come back at night, anesthetize you and cut them off, with you recalling nothing of the procedure. After you refrigerate your batteries, thinking it will prolong their life, I shall surreptitiously switch them with brand new ones.

I will feed money into vending machines, then instruct you to insert salt water, at which point you will make and receive your selection. I shall put signs everywhere in sight with the word “sex” so that indeed, men will think about sex every seven seconds. I shall place a penny on railroad tracks, and just beyond it, I shall maim the track, causing the train to derail.

I shall embark on an extermination campaign of natural blondes so that the purported World Health Organization study foretelling their demise will become true. I shall place a cooked egg between two cell phones and act alarmed.

And I might need help with this one, but I’m trying to whip up a dust cloud that will wipe out the solar system in 2014. So far I’ve managed little more than to annoy the neighbors. You know whom I mean: Susan Lucci, Phyllis Diller’s daughter.

What do you mean, it’s not true? Well, looks like it’s time to hack into a few databases…did you know you can do that just holding your car immobilizer up to the phone?

Written by Thag

July 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Nonexistent Theater Critic Only One in Attendance

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In this economy, if by some freakish set of circumstances you find yourself with the disposable income and the time to take in a Broadway musical, do yourself a favor: avoid Calphalon Madness. Trust me.

Even you are a fan, God help you, of Jazzercise, or of Kurt Cobain’s posthumous work, stay far away. Director “Morbid” Lee O’beese was probably trying to play the avant-garde card, but he lost his avant-garde cred when Puppy Credenza flopped two years ago. O’beese couldn’t direct his Dadaist way out of a fat little paper bag. Least of all when the concept of “plot” has been cast to the badgers.

Which is not to say that he left his cast completely directionless; no, O’beese knew enough to give vague lip service to his notion of this poor excuse for a script, just barely enough for Walter Mondale, otherwise a skilled performer, to pull off an almost-convincing Albert Einstein on anabolic steroids. In Calphalon, Mondale reprises his role as the hulking genius that made him popular in Phil Landerer’s A Thousand and One Arabian Knife Fights, for which he was nominated for a Chubby Award.

But Mondale is easily the only redeeming quality in a show with no discernible talent on the part of the cast, musicians or composer. The sets, badly lit and not proportional to the stage, call to mind a rabbit warren as painted by Mark Rothko. The music, charitably described as tonal, hovers somewhere between Webern on a bad day and my ten-year-old’s novice trumpet practice on a bad day.

O’beese almost had something going in the first act, when the curtain was raised and four talking hippos lolled about an imaginary mud puddle to the sound of chirping spiders, but the novelty wore off in about eight seconds. Not even the floating chainsaw that cheerfully dismembered each pachyderm could save the show at that point. Theatergoers began filing out four minutes into the first act; by the time the curtain went down for the intermission thirty-five minuets later, I was the only one remaining in the house. Even half the cast had abandoned ship.

And yet I am pretty certain that made no difference to the quality of the production. It doesn’t take much, after all, to have a man stand at stage left and yell obscenities for twelve uninterrupted minutes, even if it’s done to the rhythm of a jazzed up Chopin mazurka played only on percussion instruments. When my cell phone went off during the second act, it improved the experience, if only by reminding me that there may yet be hope for humanity: at least my ring tone hews to a recognizable tune.

Written by Thag

July 4, 2011 at 1:23 am

Oh, Kate’s Dress Will Be White. WHY DO YOU CARE?

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I thought I could not care less about the impending nuptials of Prince William and Kate Whatsername. Then an article in today’s NY Times made me realize that in some small way I do care, if indirectly. The article discussed, with no sense of irony or existential shame, how watching the wedding on TV will serve to bridge a generational divide as parents and children bond over the event.

Although I could not bring myself to read the article – my gag reflex did its job – I realized that I could care less – that there was a little bit of caring I still had in me: I care that our society has degraded to the point that the marriage of a person famous for nothing at all other than being born to other people famous for nothing at all, etc., can so captivate an international audience. I care that people in general feel such a lack in their own lives that they must latch onto the lives of celebrities for vicarious excitement. Why do you give a damn one way or the other what Kate’s dress looks like? Does it change your existence in any way? Would not knowing be unspeakable? So why do you waste time reading about it, discussing it and possibly imitating it? What is WRONG with you people?

Serious journalism should not involve Kate Middleton’s dress. The roster of people involved in discussing Kate Middleton’s dress should be: the designer, the craftspeople, Ms. Middleton herself, and possibly William, if he cares enough. Really, that’s it. The dress is an accessory. It will be worn once, featured in photographs of the day, and should then be either left to rot or donated to a dress bank for indigent brides. Or a costume shop. But otherwise reputable news organizations have teams of journalists covering this thing, as if it deserves even a fraction of the attention of the developing Syrian crisis.

I appreciate the little-girl princess fantasy. I, personally, have one daughter and three sons, so the princessing is kept to a minimum; but I do have two nieces whose mother is much more inclined than my wife is to indulge those fantasies. That’s what this whole hullabaloo amounts to, after all: an adult princess fantasy. And that’s just the problem: the idiots yammering away about every last glamorous detail of this party have not matured past the point of the princess fantasy. News flash: that point should have passed at about age twelve, and if you are male, age four.

“But that’s what our audience wants to read about,” protest these news organizations, citing market pressures. Market pressures, my foot. Your audience, as a rule, doesn’t give a fig about border skirmishes between Thailand and Cambodia, but there it is, smack dab among the headlines. Make up your mind, then, and don’t pretend to engage in genuine journalism while peddling hyperbolic nonsense. The Public Interest does not mean, “what the public is interested in seeing,” but, “what the public would be interested in knowing if they knew what was good for them.”

From here, it looks like the public needs a swift kick in the pants.

Written by Thag

April 27, 2011 at 11:27 am

Summertime, When the Living Is – OW! Who Threw That?!

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Summer must be coming, but this realization has little to do with the ambient temperature. I can get all the calendar information I need without even clicking around to find a weather report. All I have to do is sit here, minding my own business, and the unmistakable sounds and sights of the changing seasons come my way from the neighbors across the street. Summer’s approach can be divined from the increasing frequency of their stereo on full blast in their front yard.

I have written before of their taste in music. Far be it from me to judge the aesthetic merits of this brand of ethnic pop. Raised on a diet of classical music where my parents could help it, and the top-forty hits of the eighties and nineties where they could not, I can hardly lay claim to real knowledge of what makes a good Middle Eastern song good. I do, however, possess clear opinions on the matter, so at risk of alienating the neighbors, who can’t read much English anyway, I shall tell you exactly what makes a good Middle Eastern song good: brevity. Preferably, such brevity as to render the thing nonexistent.

I don’t mind the beats. I don’t mind the words, which are no more insipid or uninspired than your run-of-the-mill Britney Spears number. I don’t mind the intervals or instruments, which even Mozart and the Beatles relished in their own ways.

I do mind the incessant whining. Nothing renders a mediocre song bad more effectively than a vocalist sounding like he’s trying to shove the microphone through his nose from the inside. Yet the neighbors love it. They can’t get enough, to the point that they’ll have a single wretched song on repeat for hours at a time. At least I think it’s on repeat. The song goes on and on as it is, with the repetition introducing nothing new, nothing different from the previous fourteen times the guy sang the refrain.

I’d keep my objections to myself, being the non-confrontational sort much of the time, but then, if they kept their music to themselves I’d not be inclined to object in the first place. I enjoy my music collection as fervently as the next fellow (albeit with decreasing resources to do so, as our stereo system no longer likes half the media we try to insert into it), but for some reason I feel no desire to share it with the neighborhood, despite the manifest bodaciousness of Brahms and The Who. And I do like sharing: we all but run a hostel in our home; we love sharing our good food; we give generously, if irregularly, to local charitable causes. So it must be more than generosity of spirit that impels these folks to favor us all with ear-splitting whining to what might be called a tune.

Another indication of summer that these neighbors provide involves the need for body armor. I exaggerate slightly, as the projectiles hurled from their side of the fence seldom threaten life or limb, unless we’re talking old floor tiles, or perhaps glass bottles. The darling child of our dear neighbors thinks it’s a hoot to engage in emptying the yard of accumulated debris, and more of a hoot to do so by making said debris airborne in the process. It’s a good thing our car’s paint is peeling, or we’d never park it in front of our house. When summer comes, and the tyke attends neither school nor camp, he is left to his own devices. He has some entertaining devices, such as a video game system, and, obviously, a stereo, but the attraction of those items pales in comparison with the simple rush to be had by chucking fruit, trash, rocks, sticks or raw eggs over the wall.

It used to be one could tell the changing of the seasons by looking outside. But thanks to modern technology – such as the amplifier – I no longer need to do so.

Written by Thag

April 26, 2011 at 8:48 pm

The Article Variety Doesn’t Want You to Read

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I don’t know if you’re as troubled as I am about this, but it seems Justin Timberlake has not been in the headlines enough recently. At least I think that’s whom I mean. I always confuse him with Brad Pitt. Or what’s his name, the guy from that one movie. With the horses.

Listen, I know you’ve had your hands full with developments in the lives of Charlie Sheen and Prince William, but I’m sure the two of them will live happily ever after together no matter what. This Timberlake fellow, however, needs your attention to survive. I’m sure of that. Relatively. I could mean Al Pacino, or Senator Barbara Boxer. Isn’t that an awesome name? Senator Barbara Boxer of California. Is she still a senator? What about Henry Cabot Lodge? If you see him, relay my regards from my college course in WWI-era American foreign policy. He might not remember me, because that was way back in 1996. Also, Lodge was already dead. Unlike Justin Timberlake. I think.

Yeah, he’s seen better days. Everyone recalls the “wardrobe malfunction” with Tina Turner. Wait, Janet Jackson? Wil Wheaton? Somebody who was big back in the 80’s. Maybe it was Max Headroom. But still, don’t you think Mr. Timberlake deserves more from us? Assuming that’s who it is.

I know I sound like I don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s nothing new, you should know; I’ve lots of practice, ever since all those studies came out about a college education not really making a difference in a person’s potential employment. I figure I can wangle a job as a politician, all of whom seem to do what I do fairly well and get power, money and fame as a result. Or maybe that’s meteorologists. Except for the power part. Or the money. Or fame. I do remember Mr. G., or whatever his name was. Is he still around?

I know Justin Timberlake is still around. I just haven’t heard his name in a while. And I know he hasn’t become a meteorologist; that would have been earth-shattering news, more urgent that the nuclear stuff in Japan and the emerging quagmire in Libya. Or maybe it’s Yemen. Did Goldstone find that Timberlake intentionally targeted Bahraini civilians? Probably not. Meteorologists don’t tend to hit their targets anyway.

OK, so there was that escaped cobra in the Bronx Zoo; I understand that sometimes the media’s attention is required elsewhere for a few moments. But Justin Timberlake has had a Twitter feed like, forever, unlike that upstart reptile, who probably doesn’t do his own tweets. Well, to be fair, Timberlake probably doesn’t either, but I’m not in a position to know. You think maybe Timberlake was doing the tweeting for the snake? That would be cool.

Yeah, I think the media dropped the ball on this one. As far as I can tell. Maybe it wasn’t the media at all, but a cabal of corrupt Russian oligarchs intent on controlling the weather. Damn, we could use a good meteorologist. Anybody know one?

Written by Thag

April 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

In the Beginning, God Regretted Making Barney

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Much fuss has been made about making classics more accessible to today’s audience. Well, to hell with that. Literally, that is, if have a particular view of certain revered texts. To wit:

It started back In the Beginning
Before everyone started sinning.
But I think He’d retract
If He knew for a fact
Its result would be Charlie Sheen’s “winning.”

God spoke, and thus light was created.
“It’s good,” He said, but vacillated:
“Is it particle? Wave?
Let’s just watch it behave
And in eons, its nature debated.”

Though He wouldn’t deign to explain why,
The Lord then created the sky.
But at that point, the song
Was historically wrong:
No Lucy, and no diamonds, on high.

When the dry land emerged from the sea
Earth could then grow such things as the tree
Though one can’t help but wonder
Whether ’twas all a blunder:
Sans hammocks, what use could there be?

Though it wasn’t quite made on day four
Taco Bell is just the kind of store
To fit in with the pattern
With Jupiter, Saturn
And the rest in the “gas giant” corps.

Day five brought forth fishes and birds
(And, if you’re a creationist, herds
Of some dinosaurs, natch,
Caught outside Noah’s hatch –
Though I must say, that’s not in the words).

Day six: made orangutan
And the billions of others He planned.
But one creature would rule
Over canine and mule:
I mean cats. Wait, you thought I meant man?


Written by Thag

March 30, 2011 at 2:51 pm