Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Archive for October 2013

Israel Announces New Construction In Settlements; World Ends Again

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Ramat Shlomo

This is what the apocalypse looks like, in case you needed to be told. I mean, the horror.

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) Israel announced final approval for the construction of 1,500 residential units in a neighborhood of Jerusalem that it captured in the 1967 war, causing the end of the world yet again. The occurrence marks the latest in a series of hundreds of construction projects that have brought about the complete and irreversible cessation of human civilization on Earth.

The move prompted condemnation from Palestinians, the United States, and the European Union, who each called on Israel not to bring all of world culture and human achievement crashing down by granting formal approval for several hundred buildings to be built on a dozen barren hillsides abutting an existing neighborhood. The neighborhood, called Ramat Shlomo, lies on the other side of the Green Line, the boundary that marked the 1948 cease-fire between Israel and Jordan. Each instance of Israeli clearing, digging, Read the rest of this entry »

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October 31, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Israeli-Palestinian Talks At Impasse; Negotiators Watch The Princess Bride Instead

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Pit of Despair

Tzippi Livni

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – After several fruitless weeks of back-and-forth negotiations over so-called Final Status issues over which Israelis and Palestinians differ, the delegates to the talks have decided to abandon  the effort and watch The Princess Bride repeatedly instead.

The talks, conducted in secret, have apparently yielded no results yet on questions of: Palestinian refugees; the status of Jerusalem; borders; the nature of the hoped-for Palestinian military, if any; whether the nascent Palestine would recognize Israel as a Jewish state; and myriad other unresolved points of contention that have dogged the two sides since the Oslo Accords of 1993, which was supposed to be an interim agreement. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 30, 2013 at 2:23 pm

Factory Farm Chickens Appalled At Conditions In Airline Coach

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crowdedPottsville, Iowa (AP) The chickens of Lot No. A44933BD-L7H1 at the Agriprocessors factory farm expressed revulsion today at the conditions under which humans are crowded in the coach section of civilian aircraft for transport.

Terming the practice “barbaric” and “unconscionable,” the birds called on the airline industry to immediately modify its practices to provide the humans with individual space that would meet minimum dignity requirements and food that does not demand  a complete abandonment of aesthetic and hygienic sensibilities to consume. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 29, 2013 at 2:55 pm

Weak Economy Means Picture Now Worth 1,744 Words

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picture worthWashington, DC (AP) – The Department of the Treasury issued its report for the third quarter of 2013, pointing to a slower-than-expected economy that translates into more verbosity per image.

The report points to an oversupply of words in the economy with which the also-increasing supply of pictures cannot keep pace. Despite the prevalence of Facebook feeds and Flickr files, the number of words has outstripped the number of images by more than a factor of 1,000, meaning that it now takes far more than 1,000 words to equal a single such image. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 28, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Monty Hall To Seek Treatment For Famous Goat ‘Problem’

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Monty HallLos Angeles (AP) – Retired game show host Monty Hall has finally agreed that his decades-old problem involving at least two goats requires immediate treatment, and he will enter a facility to help him overcome the problem within the next week. Hall’s admission and resolve to combat the problem follows many years of open discussion by others, even in public forums such as scientific journals and reader-submission-driven magazine columns.

The longtime host of the original Let’s Make a Deal, 92, admitted to reporters on Thursday that the problem has never gone away, and that in some instances it has involved at many as a million goats, though he was quick to point out that the high numbers of animals were not typical, and that his problem generally featured only two goats and a car. Read the rest of this entry »

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October 27, 2013 at 1:43 pm

Unable To Be First Team To Lose All Games, NY Giants Unsure How To Proceed

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NY GiantsEast Rutherford, New Jersey (AP) – The New York Giants entered the 2013 NFL season prepared to follow the leadership of quarterback Eli Manning into the record books, but soon found themselves without direction, as the achievement of losing every single game in a sixteen-game season had already been accomplished by the 2008 Detroit Lions. They subsequently won a game, calling into question the team’s ability to achieve anything epic, even anything negative. Read the rest of this entry »

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October 25, 2013 at 3:50 pm

Despite 7-Hour Talk, Kerry Fails To Convince Netanyahu His Chin Is Real

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Kerry1Rome, Italy (AP) – US Secretary of State John Kerry spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening attempting to persuade Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu that the secretary’s chin was not fake, but reportedly did not succeed, sources present at the meeting say.

The session in the Italian capital was originally slated for discussion of Iran’s nuclear ambitions and US-Israel disagreement over how strictly to treat Iran in that regard. Once the talks got underway, Netanyahu found himself unable to concentrate on the official agenda, focusing instead on what appeared to be a bicycle seat wedged under the skin in the front of Mr. Kerry’s skull. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 24, 2013 at 3:25 pm