Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Posts Tagged ‘sex

Report: You Should Put Out More

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DataScottsdale, AZ, May 13 – A study of the sensibilities of a male acquaintance appears to support the contention that you should be putting out more.

Data collected from 100% of your significant other over a three-month span point to a number of levels on which your relationship and overall quality of life would be enhanced if you were to take the relatively simple step of tending toward less chastity, the report claims. If true, the report has the potential to enrich an ongoing romantic relationship.

The researcher who led the study hopes the findings will have an immediate positive impact, but that depends entirely, he said, on your taking the matter to heart and acting accordingly. “The research speaks for itself, obviously, and the world would be a better place if in general people used their heads a little more often than their hearts – in this case, not the heart specifically, but whichever set of glands are responsible for raising inhibitions,” he explained. “At this point I encourage whoever reads the report to take it seriously, because following its sober conclusions can really bring benefits.”

While the report indicates an increase in positivity to be experienced if you put out more, a relative paucity of data limits the granularity the report can offer. The study’s original goal also included establishing a direct mathematical correlation between specific levels or frequencies of putting out and corresponding increases in satisfaction, closeness, and general well-being. However, the researcher, lamented, there simply have not been enough data points to put together a coherent picture of that statistical relationship.

“Beyond the important benefits that the study cites, for everyone involved, more putting out would also prove helpful in strictly scientific terms,” said the researcher. “In the interest of furthering human knowledge, if for no other reason, I urge the subjects of this study to cooperate in the creation, tracking, and documentation – preferably by high-quality video – of further material for a follow-up to this important research.”

Written by Thag

May 13, 2015 at 2:58 pm

Sports Illustrated To Discontinue Swimsuit Issue

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Sports Illustrated‘Just doesn’t suit our target market,’ says executive

New York, January 27 – Sports Illustrated publisher Frank Wall told reporters today that TimeWarner would make this year’s swimsuit edition the last, as the company no longer sees the annual issue as a core part of its commercial appeal.

Wall assembled a press conference to announce the news, noting that the American sports fan has grown ever more sophisticated, and base appeals to sexual desires are no longer the sales draw that they once were. “With the maturity of the American male sports aficionado, the annual swimsuit issue just doesn’t suit our target market anymore,” he said. “Our strength has always been in trenchant analysis, not cheap pandering to the male libido.”

The decision brings to an end a fifty-year-old practice. For years, the swimsuit issue was the magazine’s best-seller, but according to Wall, TimeWarner’s board decided late last year that it was time to move beyond the adolescent appeal of lithe, bronzed supermodels showcasing designer bathing suits in provocative poses. “We have more respect for our audience than that now,” said Wall, “and of course we regret subjecting women to such treatment, thereby fostering their objectification and warping the way in which people view romantic relationships.”

Once release of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition ceases, there will be only two American magazine publishers that use sex appeal to engage the male reader. Maxim and Muscle&Fitness magazines will be the only remaining such publications available at newsstands. Penthouse, Playboy, and Hustler, all one-time mainstays of the pornography field, folded over the last few years as interest in their offerings faded with the rising maturity and morality of their audience. Other, lesser-known purveyors of smut have likewise gone under or moved their operations exclusively to the internet, where discreet access to the crude content is still available to the few with stunted sensibilities.

Written by Thag

January 27, 2014 at 4:02 pm

Community Has Kosher-Style Food, Moral-Style Behavoir

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The ark containing the Torah scrolls, the contents of which the congregation quotes and dismisses at will.

The synagogue’s emblem and a photo of the ark containing the Torah scrolls, the contents of which the congregation quotes or dismisses at will.

Snellville, Georgia (AP) – In this suburb of Atlanta, Temple Beth David’s Reform Jewish congregation offers a full range of religious-style services, bringing Jewish-style worship to Gwinnett County. Founded in 1981, Beth David adheres to most of the familiar tenet-style teachings of Reform Judaism, including a firm commitment to a tradition-style lifestyle.

“We’re all about our heritage,” said synagogue president Mickey Kroll in an interview-style encounter with a reporter over a lunch of lobster, a creature that Jewish heritage prohibits. “We make the eternal Jewish message relevant to modern society,” he continued, seemingly unaware of the ontological impossibility inherent in that sentence. Kroll explained that his congregation maintains a strong faith in God, except that God can’t be trusted to formulate a lasting moral system.

In a demonstration of Jewish-style practice, the Atlanta native ate the Biblically forbidden crustacean at a restaurant that also serves foods prepared with at least a nod toward, if not actual adherence to, Jewish dietary tradition, such as the meat of permitted animal species. Kroll ate without acknowledging, either before or after eating, the goodness, insight, and wisdom of a creator who made such delicacies and their appreciation possible.

In fact, says Ronald Bluming, the congregation’s Rabbi, belief in God is not even a prerequisite for Reform worship-style practice. “I’m actually an avowed atheist,” he notes. Bluming sees no contradiction in values between his vocation and his position of theological authority, as the absence of a Creator makes all values a human construct in any case. “There’s no such thing as absolute morality without a God as the source, definer and arbiter of that morality,” he explains, “so I don’t so much give my congregation moral guidance as I do moral-style guidance.”

According to Bluming, moral-style guidance resembles genuine moral guidance in that it purports to be based on the goal of increasing good in the world, but unlike the morality in an absolute system, the very definition of “good” remains wholly the product of the perceptions, whims, drives, prejudices, limitations, and zeitgeists of the people involved. Moral-style guidance denies that any immutable good is even a coherent concept, and posits that all we have available to us is our conscience.

Bluming’s predecessor, Richard Baroff, arrived at similar practical pastoral conclusions even without overt atheism. Baroff, who retired in 2001, strove to convey to his congregants that God is real but does not ultimately care what we do. This approach, common among Reform Jews – and large swaths of society at large – allows a person and community to shift with changing mores, and to avoid the pesky notion that there is any cosmic significance to human behavior.

The freedom inherent in this attitude means that the community and movement can find in their faith support for anything they find compelling, untroubled by other parts of the same sources they adduce that condemn that very practice. Thus, the members of Beth David often quote the portions of Leviticus that advocate love for others, while ignoring the inconvenient neighboring passages that bar adulterous, incestuous, or otherwise immoral sexual liaisons.

Similarly, Temple Beth David welcomes interfaith couples and condones intermarriage, consistent with the view that all religious-style paths are of equal worth and there is no place for the notion that a special, unique, exclusive, individual and national relationship has any relevance, which also serves to explain the aforementioned attitude toward adulterous liaisons.

Written by Thag

July 28, 2013 at 3:49 pm

Not To Be Outdone By Weiner, Other Candidates Send Lewd Photos, Messages

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Weiner2New York, July 25 (AP) – Concerned that the latest revelations of Anthony Weiner’s sexually explicit online behavior have given him a publicity advantage, other prominent candidates for New York City Mayor are publicizing their own indiscretions.

Former Congressman Weiner resigned from his seat in the House of Representatives after being caught sending suggestive pictures to a woman other than his wife, in 2011. After a public apology and an attempt to rehabilitate his image, Weiner declared his candidacy for mayor. This week, he admitted to more recent indiscretions involving text messages.

City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, considered the leading candidate, soon confessed to reporters that she routinely traffics in inappropriate online images and videos. “And I’m a lesbian, which should make this tidbit even juicier,” she said at a press conference today.

Joseph J. Lhota

Joseph J. Lhota

MTA Chairman Joseph J. Lhota, as well, posted at least two dozen erotic photos of himself on his campaign’s Facebook page in an album he titled, “Get a Lhota These.” Remarks attached to the photos suggested they were taken over a period of eighteen years, and most recently last month, apparently an attempt to establish that Mr. Lhota’s extensive documentation of his deviant online behavior extends back years and was not simply a reaction to the attention given to Mr. Weiner.

Public Advocate Bill de Blasio, also campaigning to succeed Mayor Mike Bloomberg, did not release any photos or texts, but made known to reporters that he specifically visits Las Vegas to partake of legal Nevada prostitution, and that he has been a proud subscriber to several online pornography sites for years, and before that, an avid consumer of print media in the same vein.

City Comptroller John C. Liu also made a valiant attempt to demonstrate his irresponsible use of the internet by inviting, via Twitter, prominent officials and media representatives to participate in what he termed, “Liu-ed acts.” Given Liu’s reputation as conservative in his personal habits, the initial reaction to the tweet has been skeptical. “It doesn’t seem sincere to me,” said New York Times correspondent Alison Leigh Cowan, who has been covering this aspect of the mayoral campaign. “But I must say I’m intrigued and flattered to be included, so I’ll probably attend and make my personal assessment afterwards.”

220px-CatsiJohn A. Catsimatidis, the grocery store billionaire, leveraged his corporate and retail clout to display offensively sexual images of the candidate in the windows of his Gristede’s supermarket chain. Between posters touting tomatoes for $2.99 per pound and a special on pork loins, Catsimatidis is easily identified in enlarged photos of the man in suggestive poses with multiple partners of both sexes. A warrant has been issued for his arrest, leading Cowan to suggest that the added publicity of such a development could only help Mr. Catsimatidis, who has been trailing in the polls.

“What Weiner – and Elliot Spitzer, for that matter – have proved is that getting yourself on the map politically actually becomes easier if you have a sexual scandal or two under your belt,” she said, apparently without a trace of irony. Spitzer, the former NY governor, resigned after reports of his visits with prostitutes while in office. He is also running an election campaign, for City Comptroller. Catsimatidis, said Cowan, is banking on a similar dynamic with his own candidacy, which could only benefit at this point on the campaign trail.

Whoever wins, says Cowan, will be the one who proves they are proficient at screwing many people at once, preferably 8.3 million of them.

 

Written by Thag

July 25, 2013 at 1:06 pm

Study Links Graffiti to Small Penis Size

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graffitiNew York, June 15 (AP) – Researchers at Columbia University have determined that the propensity to engage in graffiti vandalism has an inversely proportionate relationship to penis size, according to an article in the August Issue of the Journal Science.

In a study titled The Scale of Male Endowment as Reflected by Vandalism, the study authors note a very close correlation between a smaller-than-average penis and multiple instances of crude or repetitive graffiti. Reviewing arrest records and anatomical information for individuals convicted of graffiti vandalism in the New York City area for the years 2007-2012, the researchers found that the median length of male members of those individuals was 40% shorter than the median length of the general population.

Even more striking, said Dr. Sy Zmatters, the lead author and head of Columbia University’s graduate-level Anthropology Department, the extent to which any individual engaged in graffiti vandalism directly reflected relative penis length. “We found that the more prolific taggers were even more poorly endowed than those who had been convicted of only one or two vandalism violations,” he noted.

N. Largement, a Princeton University anthropologist not involved in the study, praised the report as an important piece of information in piecing together the complex web of human psychology as it has developed over the ages. “We knew, anecdotally, that certain behaviors represent a compensation mechanism for those males insecure in the measurements of their manhood,” he explained, handling a scale model of a monster truck on his office desk. “But it has never before been so clearly quantified.”

A further nuance of the study involves different types of graffiti. Vandals who prolifically sprayed only words, gang signs, or other relatively crude symbols constituted the most poorly endowed subgroup of the population under observation, while those whose graffiti involved artistic expression, political criticism, or a message of some social value fell more closely in line with the national average.

spray paintLargement noted that the study helps complete a much larger pattern of what he called manhood deficiency compensatory behavior, which had previously been described for much smaller segments of the population. For example, assault rifle ownership has been strongly correlated with a smaller penis, as has the frequent or highly visible use of muscle cars. Sports fans who paint their bodies and engage in rowdy displays of devotion have been similarly shown to have shorter than average penises; these behaviors has been explained as an attempt to mask their insecurity over penis size by associating themselves with a larger, more powerful, and overtly masculine enterprise.

Written by Thag

July 15, 2013 at 2:32 pm

FYI, Ladies

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Guys

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May 21, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Repenthouse: the Magazine for Porn-Again Christians

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Condé-Nasty's other recent success.

Condé-Nasty’s other recent success.

New York, New York, May 12 (AP) Condé-Nasty Publications announced today that starting next month it will begin selling a magazine aimed at the growing demographic of Porn-Again Christians, called Repenthouse. The magazine will come monthly to its subscribers and be available at nudesstands across the country.

With the release, Condé-Nasty thus hopes to penetrate the coveted demographic that worships Jizzus. A pokesman for the organization, Li Bido, said that Condé-Nasty had been probing the Porn Again market for some time, and biding its time until the moment was ripe to thrust itself onto the scene. “There’s a tremendous amount of exposure we can expect with this venture,” said Bido. “It’s not often that a mainstream publishing outfit seeks to establish itself as a presence in such a niche market, I’ll admit, but with our industry already strapped for cash, finding the sweet spot for our product can spread doors open wide for us in other arenas.”

Repenthouse represents a formidable risk for Condé-Nasty, however. If the magazine fails to penetrate the market to a significant degree, and does not stimulate sufficient subscriptions or sales to warrant its continued issue, the venture could showcase the publisher’s impotence or give it the stigmata of an outfit already on its knees.

“It’s an ambitious idea, I’ll give them that,” allowed Larry Flynt, an industry veteran with significant experience. “But they can’t exactly expect to be wearing divine protection. While I don’t yet see the Four Whoresmen of the Apocalypse breathing down their necks, but if sales are flaccid the whole enterprise will be blown to Kingdom Come,” he warned.

“But if they pull it off, I’ll be the first one to give them a hand; jobs are scarce enough, and anyone who can stimulate growth in this business will be snatching up profits,” he added.

At Condé-Nasty the mood is decidedly optimistic. “Things are definitely looking up for us – we have a few tricks left up our sleeves,” said President Lou Brickant. “Our religious values really come through with Repenthouse: our thrust in God and our fleshes of divine inspiration will be evident to any Porn Again reader. We have plenty of material over which our subscribers will want to linger – we don’t veneriate the saints the way Catholics do, but there’s a decided reverence for foreplague and the Sin-optic Gospels.”

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Written by Thag

May 12, 2013 at 1:54 pm

Rapists Concerned New Delhi Attack Might Give Them Bad Name

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move alongNew Delhi, India (Reuters) – Following the death of a woman who was gang-raped on a bus earlier this month in the Indian capital, rapists across the Indian societal spectrum are voicing concern that the incident will harm their reputations.

“Most of us are normal, hardworking guys, and something like this gets us really worried,” said Whatshewants Dusinmatta, 40, of Bangalore. “The vast majority of times we do what we do, it doesn’t result in riots, so we’re naturally a bit nervous that people might not treat us the same way anymore.”

The Indian umbrella organization of sexual assailants, All Sheilas Know It’s Natural and Good For Overpowering Romeos to Impale Them (ASKINGFORIT), advised its members this week not to couple their violation of women’s bodies with violations of murder statues, at least until the current episode of negative publicity subsides. Spokesman Theyall Wantitt said the group was preparing a public relations campaign to attenuate the effects of the December 16 gang-rape on the reputations of rapists in India.

“Most Indians realize that these thugs do not represent us as a whole,” he said, “and our campaign will emphasize that we rapists are not these supervillains who drive around on buses picking women up. We are your fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, neighbours, classmates, and coworkers. That alone should tell everyone that public safety in India has not appreciably changed as a result of this unusual incident.” He said the organization would work with police so that the public’s confidence in its law enforcement institutions would not be affected. An estimated 1% of sexual assault and harassment are currently reported to the authorities.

A similar concern plagued rapists in Pakistan and Afghanistan earlier this year, when a twelve-year-old who was gang-raped managed to escape and reach Westerners who provided her with treatment and protection. Her male relatives and the leaders of her tribal village spent weeks trying to reassure their clansmen and the wider public that the escape did not represent a shift in policy away from killing the victim to maintain the family’s honor. Purveyors of sulfuric acid had also been worried about a drop in sales if jealous husbands would stop throwing their product in the faces of wives and daughters suspected of entertaining such radical feminist ideas as leaving the family hovel for a few minutes.

child marriageEventually the media attention and related disturbances petered out. ASKINGFORIT clearly hopes that a similar phenomenon will characterize the New Delhi case, although currently the city is seeing vehement protests that continue to worry rapists. “Our way of life is threatened,” said Shova Nistpig, mayor of the southern town of Sekslaiveree who has been raping women for upwards of four decades. “The invasion of foreign values has given people all the wrong ideas about people’s proper places in society.”

“It’s one thing to attack the caste system, which has its problems,” he conceded, “and I say that as a Brahmin,” a member of the elite caste. “But the focus on one extraordinarily violent rape in New Delhi is making it harder and harder for the traditional rapists to go about their activities unmolested.”

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Written by Thag

December 29, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Careless Mom Accidentally Buys ‘World of Whorecraft’ Subscription for Son

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Highland Park, Illinois (AP) – Denise Carter, a 48-year-old mother of two, remains unaware that she has bought a pornographic video game for her teenage son Beck.

Carter, who generally reacts negatively to portrayals of women as sex objects, decided for Beck’s fifteenth birthday to indulge the boy’s predilection for action-oriented entertainment. She discreetly asked Phil Layshio, one of Beck’s classmates, to handle the online registration and payment for World of Warcraft, an online multiplayer role-playing game. The friend, who knows a side of Beck that he never shows his prude of a mother, misheard.

Instead of a world populated by questing fighters,  magical demi-humans and fantastical creatures such as dragons, Carter has signed her adolescent son up for a virtual experience in and around a brothel.

Upon signing in for the first time, Beck will be asked to choose the role of whore, pimp, customer or human trafficker. He will then select a class for his character, which determines the socioeconomic circles in which that character will move during play. The character can gain skills, experience points and in-game money that can be redeemed for training to acquire more skills, for basic expenses related to the sex industry, or for bribes to government and law enforcement officials to turn a blind eye to the character’s dealings.

In addition to other online players, Beck will interact with non-player characters, which are programmed to provide the characters with information, challenges or services necessary for the completion of various tasks. In World of Whorecraft, those NPCs, as they are called, include drug dealers, police officers, gynecologists and treatment counselors of various kinds, as well as paramedics, junkies and the occasional teenage runaway.

The game has various modes, and the user may choose to play in various distinct eras: before AIDS; before syphilis; or before the latex condom, for example.

Hmm. Maybe they’re not so different after all.

Carter has expressed excitement at having her son discover what she believes she has given him. “I can’t wait till he receives the ‘Welcome’ e-mail on his birthday,” she gushed. “I know he loves this stuff, and I’m just thrilled I can show him I appreciate his pastimes and want to support him in them. He thinks I know nothing about this game and what teenage boys like to do – I can’t wait for him to see who it’s from, just to see the look on his face!”

Experts are divided regarding Beck’s reaction. “This can’t possibly end well,” said Sophia Liu, a social worker with the Skokie, Illinois, municipality. “This poor kid is going to be scarred for life, always seeing his painfully clueless mother when he wants to focus on any other woman.”

Chase Esses of Detroit Family Services disagrees. “If there’s anything that dissuades teenagers from immersing themselves in porn, it’s parental presence. This woman may have inadvertently caused her son to avoid unhealthy perceptions of human sexuality for the rest of his life. He’ll be much happier that way, and his relationships that much stronger,” he said.

“Assuming he doesn’t kill himself on the spot when he realizes what has happened,” added Esses.

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Written by Thag

November 2, 2012 at 12:29 am

Butcher, Baker and Candlestick Maker Deny They Are Gay

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Despite being discovered in a bath together, the three men of the Rub-A-Dub-Dub nursery rhyme dismiss allegations that they are homosexuals.

Steve Adams, the butcher, was photographed with Adam Stevens, the baker, and with Richard Liss, the candlestick maker, in the bathtub last Saturday evening. Although this is not the first time the trio has been seen together in the soapy basin – reports of their bathtub meetings go back at least a hundred fifty years – only recently has there been such public discussion of their sexual orientation.

“It’s basically a sign of the times,” says May Koaver, a lecturer on gender issues at the University of Pennsylvania, and author of Unconventional Families: Old Mother Hubbard and Her Dog. “Twenty years ago, it was a taboo issue, along with scuttlebutt about the cat and the fiddle and the dish and spoon – but now that the stigma of non-“standard” couples and families has lessened, people are willing to discuss the issue without all that baggage.”

Koaver is inclined to believe the trio’s denials, since nursery rhyme characters tend to be relatively open about their sexual predilections and characteristics. The man from St. Ives, for example, was not married to any of the seven wives – it was in France, after all – and expressed no shame whatsoever, even though the rhyme developed in an era not known for its tolerance of deviant public behavior.

Another example is Wee Willie Winky, who proudly adopted as his name the very characteristic that would send stereotypical males underground. And Jack Sprat, famously, adhered to the very eating habits so often associated with gay men, attempting to maintain his slim figure while not objecting to his wife’s slovenly appearance, since he was not attracted to women anyway.

Not all literary scholars are so convinced. “There’s still plenty at stake in today’s world when a character comes out of the  bookshelf,” noted Ben Dover, Professor of English Literature at Bob Jones University, and author of Mary’s Lamb and Other Risky Liaisons. “Jack B. Nimble was driven to extremely risky behavior, overcompensating for his perceived lack of masculinity,” Dover wrote in an e-mail. “Who do you think made that candlestick – and what else but a potent phallic symbol could it be, a representation of a ‘flaming’ homosexual? It can’t be coincidence that Candlestick Park is in San Francisco.”

At press time, no comment was available from the Three Men in a Tub, who had invited Jack and Jill over for consultations on unexpected complications surrounding encounters with water.

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Written by Thag

September 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm

States Agree Not to Mention that NY Resembles a Deformed Penis

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What are you looking at, you pervert?

Albany, NY (Reuters) – Two-thirds of the states have ratified a measure barring comparisons of New York’s shape to the defining feature of male anatomy, bringing to a close more than four centuries of debate over the issue.

The treaty calls for the states to refrain from calling attention to unfortunate features of geography and topography beyond the control of the state government. Most other states lack such features, but several have them, and were among the first to ratify the measure. Florida, with a similar problem to that of New York, has been less self-conscious about its shape, though it has acknowledged its fate by naming a city St. Petersburg. Alaska, as well, has a western coastline that bears an evocative resemblance to a portion of female genitalia, though many males would be hard-pressed to locate it without help.

The embarrassing shape of New York came into being when the colony was first formed. The Dutch, originally in control of the the territory, played along, even appointing a succession of governors named Peter – Minuit and Stuyvesant – and carrying the joke into other parts of the state, such as Long Island. They put the “man” in Manhattan, even going so far as to name a thoroughfare “Dyckman Street.”

Even after the British seized control of the colony and rechristened it New York in 1665, the naughty naming continued apace, with the establishment of Scrotum-on-Hudson and other more subtle references, such as Rochester and Crown Heights.

But New York’s leaders were always of two minds about the area’s unfortunate visual associations. When more and more people gained access to formal education and maps, the members of the state legislature drafted a document calling for voluntary restraint on the part of all the states to preserve the dignity of their state institutions and keep their discourse chaste. For decades, the proposal languished, but last year’s debacle with NY Congressman Anthony Weiner thrust the issue into the open again and gave the measure a new burst of support.

Not every state legislature was so convinced that the agreement is necessary, or serves a constructive purpose. “Michigan would rather be able to poke fun at New York, even at the expense of having her northwest peninsula similarly mocked,” said Detroit Mayor Dave Bing. “Aside from the Tigers beating the pants off the Yankees, when do we ever get to engage in such a cathartic release of frustration?” Michigan did not ratify the agreement.

Although the treaty explicitly rules out impolite references to natural formations, some states, notably appendix-shaped New Jersey, will not be immune to mockery of its reputation as one big toxic waste dump, a major factor in Trenton’s close vote on the issue this past spring. Opponents criticized the agreement as a fig leaf for New York arrogance. The measure barely squeezed through after intense lobbying by both sides that aroused political tensions among Democratic legislators frustrated by their impotence under Republican Governor Chris Christie.

But the governor managed to pull the vote through, and New Jersey’s ratification may prove seminal in lessening the animosity between the cross-Hudson rivals. “We really do get along,” he remarked, “even though New Yorkers can be such pri – wait, am I allowed to say that?”

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Written by Thag

August 30, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Putting the “Show” in “Creep Show”

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Please Like this page on Facebook. Or I’ll be even more pathetically loserish. And that’s not even a word. See how bad it’s gotten? You know what to do.

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May 22, 2012 at 7:45 pm

My Take on the TIME Cover Controversy: You’re All Dupes

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May 11, 2012 at 12:41 pm

It’s Too Bad YOU Can’t Make a Living Doing It. Lest You Go Blind.

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March 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Women Manufactured with Planned Obsolescence, Says Trade Group

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Cairo, IL (AP) – A trade group representing buyers of female reproductive partners has accused the manufacturer of designing the units to age prematurely.

The General Union of Youth Sustainability (GUYS), based outside Chicago, charges that the sole producer of women “consciously and deliberately designed the female units to decay at a rate far above that anticipated by the consumers,” the organization said in a press release. The manufacturer, Guardian-Origin Designs (GOD), has been the only producer of women for several millenniums. Although the patent on the original design is no longer relevant, no other firm has managed to engineer the manufacture of anything that might compete with GOD’s creation.

Phil Landerer, Director of GUYS, presented statistics that he said prove his organization’s allegations. “GOD has a lot to answer for. Here we have men in the market for partners with systems that can serve their needs for the long haul, only to find that crucial systems start breaking down irreparably when the units are only a few decades old. Maybe the lack of competition has made GOD complacent in quality control. GUYS will have none of that; we wish to remind GOD that it’s only a matter of time before someone else comes up with a more efficient, sustainably youthful model.”

Landerer stopped short of calling for a full-scale boycott of GOD’s products, explaining that for many consumers, the women produced by GOD are the only recourse they have in pursuing meaningful long-term relationships. He did note, however, that GUYS will launch a nationwide trade-in program later this year, in which aging female partners can be exchanged for newer, better-performing models.

Such programs have long existed, but usually on an ad hoc basis, and certainly not on the comprehensive scale that GUYS would want, according to Cass Nova, who has studied consumer habits in the mating industry. Nova’s most recent article, currently awaiting publication, attempts to define specific thresholds beyond which consumers will no longer tolerate a female unit functioning below its original capacity.

From research conducted over several decades, Nova posits several variables, some of which strongly correlate. The two most closely related factors are reproductive capacity and physical attractiveness, both of which deteriorate in most units beyond a certain age. In contrast, male units seem, by and large, not to suffer compromised reproductive capacity to nearly the same degree as females, and their physical attractiveness, according to the data, does not seem to have a direct bearing on their ability to find a suitable partner.

It is exactly that disparity that Landerer’s group seeks to address. “We call on GOD to bring female units up to the standard of their male counterparts, which, suspiciously, do not suffer the same set of defects that the females do,” the GUYS statement read. It continued with a litany of other grievances, notable among them the apparent deafness of GOD to centuries of complaints.

Strikingly, the bulk of the complaints that GOD has not addressed comes from the female units themselves, according to Faye Slift, president of the Committee Of Unduly Geratrified Amore Rejects (COUGAR), an organization that offers support for users whose female units have begun to deteriorate, but who lack the resources to invest in an entirely new unit. COUGAR provides counseling that emphasizes the advantages of a female unit with more miles on its figurative figure, but Slift acknowledges that it remains an uphill battle.

Ironically, notes Slift, GUYS will not cooperate with COUGAR, preferring instead to focus on improved access to younger models. Slift understands the position of GUYS, but points out that GOD manufacturers only about one percent more female units than male ones, which only serves to drive up prices for the newer models and cuts a large segment of potential consumers out of the market entirely. Such unfortunates must settle for the used or rejected units that only become available when the wealthier users have finished with them, and often the units have suffered significant wear and tear by then.

“It might be a better strategy to focus on quantity, rather than quality,” suggests Slift. “It’s clear that the manufacturer isn’t interested in improving the design of the female, but maybe GOD will consent to simply increasing the ratio of females to males. Taking the demands of the market into consideration would just be a more humane thing to do.”

Written by Thag

March 10, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Guys Just Don’t Do This

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February 28, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Ask a Disillusioned Santa Claus

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Dear Disillusioned Santa Claus:

My son never does his homework. He’s already ten years old, and nothing we say or do gets him to complete his work for any length of time. We’ve tried rewards, punishments and everything in between, to no avail. What works one day fails the next. What are we to do?

At Wit’s End in Secaucus

Dear Wit’s End:

I assume you’ve already tried warning him that Santa does not look favorably upon children who neglect their school work. However, given his age, he’s about as likely to retain a belief in Santa as he is to know nothing about sex. Oh, you didn’t realize that, did you? Were you under the impression that anyone over the age of eight in this interconnected age is still ignorant of the basics? Oh, dear. It appears Junior is not the only one in Secaucus with some maturing to do.

In any case, I recommend Catholic school. There’s no better way to straighten a kid out and scar him for life at the same time than making the consequences of a missed assignment be spending an afternoon alone with Father Flanagan in his office. You know, the Father Flanagan who gets quietly reassigned to new places every now and then.

Dear Disillusioned Santa Claus:

Are tips mandatory all of a sudden? I had always thought that tips for waiters were contingent on courteous, capable service, but more and more, the providers of these services seem to consider tips an entitlement. Have the standards changed, or are there just more rude people around?

Bewildered in Denver

Dear Bewildered:

I have a suggestion that might change your perspective. Try playing Santa one day at a shopping mall during December. The physical abuse, decibel level and ceaseless Christmas music would be enough to drive a saint to murder – and waiters have to deal with more than that: picky, rude customers; messy children; impatient management; ill-informed kitchen staff; and hourly wages that would make an illegal immigrant cringe, just to name a few. Don’t blame the poor bastards for not achieving satisfactory results.

Instead, cook your own goddamn meals at home, and pack a sandwich. It’s consumption-oriented pigs such as you who have made my once-pleasant vocation an absolute nightmare. Want some anthrax in your stocking this year?

Dear Disillusioned Santa Claus:

Please help my brother and me settle an argument. I maintain that Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player ever, and he contends that the title should go to Ted Williams. Who is right?

Waiting in Knoxville

Dear Waiting:

I hate questions such as this one. Where’s the angst? The moral quandary? The emotionally fraught dilemma? You give me nothing to work with. All I get is a lame request to settle a bet. What is wrong with you people? Aren’t brothers supposed to have a dysfunctional relationship? Certainly that’s how it was with me and my brother. The creep.

Oh, and the answer is Ruth, hands down. He was fat and still did well. Like a certain saint I know…

Dear Disillusioned Santa Claus:

My wife of eight years is an alcoholic, only she won’t admit it. She has wine with her dinner whenever we go out, and I sometimes see her sniff her perfume before she puts it on. How can I get her, gently, to realize she has a problem?

Concerned in Dallas

Dear Concerned:

This is a joke, right?

Right?

Christ.

(Oh – sorry about that, old buddy – we’ll talk later, over some Scotch)

OK, I’m going to type this slowly so that even you can understand it: yes, your wife has a problem. That problem has been married to her for eight years. You know what to do.

Confidential to Nervous in Philly: I don’t completely understand what kind of photos and videos you mean – what kind of home movies could possibly be so damaging that you would fear the rest of the family might see them? Please forward them to me so I can more fully grasp what you’re getting at.

Written by Thag

February 20, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Who Says We Only Use Part of Our Brains?

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Written by Thag

January 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I’m Motivated! Let Me at that Box of Bran Flakes!

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Written by Thag

January 24, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Advertising, Simplified

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Written by Thag

December 28, 2011 at 11:36 am

It’s No Wonder the Y Chromosome Is So Much Smaller

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Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, and get your mind out of the *yawn* gutter.

Written by Thag

December 3, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Dear Parents: Please Send Your Child to School with an Ax Today

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Dear parents:

On Thursday, December 15, the fifth grade will visit the Bestiality Museum in Weehawken. This exciting opportunity to enhance the children’s classroom learning will give them hands-on experience in applying what they have learned to the problems of today – and in the presence of some of the most important contemporary personalities in bestiality.

As you know, this year’s integrative curriculum includes a focus on evolutionary biology, through multiple lenses. Our previous trip, in early November, took the children on a riveting journey through the myriad ways in which creatures engage in reproductive activity. Because the feedback from that outing to the Short Hills BDSM Museum proved so hearteningly plentiful, for this month’s trip we selected another venue guaranteed to offer impressionable young minds a broadening experience, while at the same time making the subject relevant to everyday life. Our success in accomplishing the latter is evident from the parental involvement and interest in these trips.

Speaking of parental involvement, we still need two parental chaperones to accompany the students. Eleanor Jacobs, Stuart’s mother, generously offered her time for the last two trips, and we must also thank her for using her inside connections at the BDSM Museum to get the school a steep discount. This time, however, Mrs. Jacobs has a prior engagement, and we need another parent to step into her boots. We need a second volunteer, as well, as this year’s fifth grade class has seventy students. Interested parents, please contact school secretary Geraldine Ferraro.

The January and February trips still require some finalization, but we intend to take the students to the chemical weapons testing facility in Woodbridge and a mortuary, either in Jersey City or Newark. If you can let us know this far in advance whether you can serve as chaperone on one of those outings, please do so.

We welcome your continued feedback. Nothing says you care about your children’s education as much as when you let us know what you think.

Sincerely,

Jeff Dahmer
Principal, Mahwah Central Grammar School

Written by Thag

November 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm

“Get Off My Lawn!” and Other Signs of Impending Senility

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Age

Ambition

Investment Sensibilities

Taste in Food

Catch Phrase

0-1

A good bowel movement

Not much diversification, but the output doesn’t stink that much, either

Whatever fits in my mouth

N/A

1-6

Defy Mommy

“Mommy, is this a nickel or a dime?”

Whatever Mommy says I can’t have

“Mommy!”

6-12

Avoid homework

Spend most of allowance on junk food; save some for entertainment

Pizza

Whatever gets the biggest rise out of Mom and Dad

12-17

Get laid

Ringtones

“You never let me do anything!

17-23

Really primo weed

“What’s your major?”

23-30

Bullish

Whatever the rest of the unemployed hordes manage to get their hands on

“Would you like fries with that?”

30-35

Score the VP position

Bullsh*t

Sushi

“That’s what I thought, too, sir.”

35-40

Get out of this VP position

Thinking about getting a 401(k), whatever the hell that bullsh*t is

Caviar, or at least I’m going to drop hints that I eat it all the time

“I’ll settle down when the right person comes along, Mom.”

45-55

A good dental plan

A good dental plan

Whatever doesn’t interfere with a good dental plan

“Have they got a dental plan?”

55-65

Early retirement

Viagra

Maybe I’ll try that low-carb thing everyone seems to be hyping.

“What ever happened to good, old-fashioned manners?”

65-75

Keep the lawn looking just so

Weed killer

Let’s eat outside and look at the lawn

“You kids get off my lawn!”

75-85

Get the kids to visit more often

Bizarrely out-of-touch gifts for the grandchildren

More fiber

“You never call.”

85-whenever

A good bowel movement

Cat figurines

“Has anyone seen my teeth? They’re serving flapjacks today.”

“I’ll be going home from this senior residence any day now.”

Written by Thag

November 2, 2011 at 3:56 pm

How Well Do You Know Your Guy? Do You Really *Want* to Know?

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  1. Which of the following constitutes grounds for breakup or divorce?

(a) Scheduling a date or event to take place at the same time as a playoff game.
(b) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the pregame show and the end of the postgame show for a playoff game.
(c) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the football preseason and the end of the weeklong post-Super-Bowl analysis.
(d) Attempting to conduct a conversation about subjects other than football.

2. Which of the following phrases must never, ever be uttered to a guy?

(a)    I think of you as a friend.
(b)   Don’t you just hate thin women?
(c)    I didn’t get any beer; I didn’t think it was important.
(d)   Oh, please – you know all those teams are basically the same.

3. Tears are justified:

(a)    In reaction to the death of a dear relative or friend.
(b)   When you laugh so hard you cry.
(c)    On stage.
(d)   When the Chicago Cubs finally win another World Series.

4. Catcalls and explicit comments directed at passing women:

(a)    Are just features of a guy’s natural exuberance around attractive members of the fairer sex.
(b)   Can only be understood by any reasonable person as healthy flattery.
(c)    Bespeak unbridled, irresistible manliness.
(d)   Should really meet with better results than experience bears out; clearly, there’s something wrong with the women involved.

5. Pornography:

(a)    Gives women a good idea what to strive for in a relationship.
(b)   Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the presence of one’s significant other.
(c)    Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the existence of one’s significant other.
(d)   Oh, come on, that‘s not pornography – it’s art. And besides, I get that for the articles.

6. Medical treatment is required:

(a)    For injuries obviously requiring stitches.
(b)   For conditions involving the vomiting of actual internal organs.
(c)    In cases of multiple severed limbs or bones protruding from the skin.
(d)   Oh, please – it’s just a flesh wound.

7. Who has the right of way?

(a)    The biggest, baddest vehicle.
(b)   The driver with the best rack.
(c)    I meant gun rack on top of the pickup truck.
(d)   Really, I did! Ask Joe! Isn’t that what I clearly meant, Joe? See? Even Joe understood that!

8. Which of the following chores is properly assigned to a guy?

(a)    Shoveling snow from the front walk, followed by four days’ worth of making excuses for doing nothing else around the house, because, man, that shoveling really wasn’t so good for his back, you know?
(b)   Taking pride in extracting the most repulsive, slimy hairball from the drain and insisting on giving everyone a close-up view of the, uh, trophy.
(c)    Taking out the trash with great fanfare every three or four weeks.
(d)   Disciplining recalcitrant appliances into proper working order with well-placed kicks.

9. Clean laundry:

(a)    Magically appears in the dresser and closet.
(b)   Is far too complicated – why can’t we just toss those pantyhose in the washer and dryer?
(c)    Doesn’t get done fast enough around here. Just sayin’.
(d)   Cannot possibly involve an honest expectation of a guy’s participation, considering the need to actually consult the care instructions on the garment label.

10. What is the proper way to give driving directions to a guy who pulls over to request them?

(a)    Calmly and politely, without betraying a sense of the impending apocalypse that this has actually happened.
(b)   To the woman in the passenger seat, because, really, she’s the one who demanded they stop and ask; he knows exactly how to get there.
(c)    Slowly and carefully, trying not to be too obvious about looking for the hidden video camera that must be documenting this flagrant practical joke setup.
(d)   In whatever language they speak on the alien world you inhabit.

Written by Thag

October 20, 2011 at 10:29 pm

The Grueling Schedule of the Tobacco Executive

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Time

Event

7:00 AM

Wake to the sound of a live string quartet serenading me with Mozart; find breakfast tray and newspaper waiting at bedside; note, with satisfaction, steady rise in company’s stock price; summon team to shave and otherwise administer morning hygiene.

7:45 AM

Send away member of harem after receiving daily “greeting”; select from vast wardrobe of dark blue double-breasted suits.

7:52 AM

Consult with fashion consultant on positioning of tie; reprimand valet for neglecting to keep every pair of shoes properly aligned.

7: 53 AM

Martini

8:00 AM

Begin limousine ride to corporate offices; conduct stiffly polite phone conversation with wife and daughter on Paris shopping trip, or perhaps yachting trip along the Riviera – I forget which.

8:32 AM

Wonder aloud to chauffeur what can be done about all those other people on the road, whose cars spew such awful smoke.

8:35 AM

Take elevator directly to top-floor office.

8:36 AM

Martini

8:45 AM

Greeting ritual from harem member.

8:46 AM

Practice with putter on custom indoor green.

9:30 AM

Martini

9:35 AM

Shareholder meeting. Agenda: vote on proposed sale of US Senator (R-NC) to auto industry lobby; presentation of new line of slim cigarettes for anorexics; results of focus group research on ad campaign to portray governmental regulation of free enterprise as slightly to the right of Hitler and slightly to the left of Stalin.

11:00 AM

Martini

11:07 AM

Observe focus group session – Can Dora the Explorer be made to seem even more appealing by having a cigarette in her mouth all the time?

11:40 AM

Martini

11:50 AM

Trip down the rabbit hole to meet Tobacco Institute scientists.

12:45 PM

Three-martini lunch with members of harem, assorted sycophants, lobster.

2:00 PM

Stock price update.

2:04 PM

Call to broker; accept lavishing of gratitude upon my being.

2:15 PM

Receive word from secretary that US Senator (R-VA) has arrived as scheduled; resume putter practice.

3:00 PM

Deign to see Senator; issue instructions.

3:06 PM

Martini

3:15 PM

Phone negotiations over impending purchase of major sports franchise; demur at rejection of stipulated name change to match that of my company.

3:40 PM

Martini; further harem greeting rituals.

4:00 PM

Dash off memo detailing tasks for underlings to achieve by the end of the work day or 10:00 PM, whichever is later, with emphasis on putting green maintenance.

4:03 PM

Private concert with promising young cellist/harem candidate

5:00 PM

Review sales figures; conclude that China is the best emerging market for products that cause cancer, emphysema, heart disease and birth defects.

5:35 PM

Board helicopter for brief visit to cultural institution to preside over some stupid cookie-cutter ceremony benefitting from my company’s largesse, yadda yadda yadda.

6:30 PM

Accompany select harem members to private suite at sporting event; remain long enough to be seen on national TV

7:15 PM

Restaurant dinner with broker, interior designer of home’s new South Asia wing, harem members on loan from other executives.

9:30 PM

Martini

9:38 PM

Stock price update.

9:40 PM

Martini

10:00 PM

Bedtime harem ritual.

10:06 PM

Blissful, morally pure slumber.