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Posts Tagged ‘Republicans

To Combat School Shootings, GOP Proposes Banning Schools

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BoehnerWashington, DC (AP) – A rash of mass shootings in recent months has shaken even the Republican political establishment, leading its leaders to propose a sweeping measure to outlaw schools in order to prevent more school shootings.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) told reporters Monday that the GOP would soon introduce legislation that both addressed the school safety concerns of millions of parents and protected Second Amendment rights. The law would mandate home schooling, depriving would-be gunmen of venues such as Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, where dozens of children and faculty were murdered or wounded in December.

At the same time, said Boehner, the measure would safeguard the cherished access to firearms that Americans enjoy, since the closure of the schools would effectively eliminate them as targets for such assailants, thereby removing the need to further regulate what firearms industry spokespeople have called an excessively burdened industry.

A further benefit of eliminating schools would be a sizable savings in government education spending. “And that’s not all,” added Boehner. “We’re going to take the government out of the schools and let parents use their autonomy to decide how best to educate their children.” Thus, for example, children in run-down, foreclosure-plagued Chicago suburbs, whose schools have ceased to function effectively, would no longer be forced to attend those failing institutions, and could spend more time at home.

“What the Republicans are proposing is a win-win situation,” explained conservative columnist Hope Liss. “One of the holy grails of conservative politics is smaller government and less spending. This initiative would essentially eliminate all primary education costs at the federal level, letting states and local government handle them as they see fit. And it would also be tough on crime, cutting down on the opportunities that attackers might have to terrorize schoolchildren.”

What’s more, added Liss, the Republican Party’s voter base has shrunk over the last decade, and it must rely more and more on election campaign strategies devoid of substance in order to scare or seduce the less-educated, more easily manipulated citizen into casting its ballot for the GOP candidate. Making public education that much less available primes the next several generations of voters to more easily react in the ways the Republican strategists wish.

The GOP faces a tough sell with parents of college-age children, however. “Virginia Tech could happen again,” warned Sorrel Luser, who heads an Atlanta-area group of anti-crime activists, referring to a 2007 mass shooting that took 32 lives. “This proposal doesn’t go far enough. If the Republicans were really serious about this, they’d go all the way, and outlaw all education.”

“Except maybe the study of Chinese,” he conceded. “We’re all gonna need to know that pretty soon.”

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Written by Thag

June 17, 2013 at 2:59 pm

GOP Changes Stance on Abortion: Fetus Might Be Gay

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RNCWashington, DC (AP) – In a dramatic shift pregnant with implications for the debate over the legality and morality of abortion, the Republican National Committee announced today that it intends to alter its attitude toward the issue: the rising number of homosexuals in American society means a greater proportion of fetuses are homosexual, and the GOP will therefore no longer oppose abortion.

“The problematic morality of aborting a fetus remains,” said Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee, at a press conference, “but on balance we give priority to the greater good of ridding our society of the evil of homosexuality; if it means aborting many fetuses to do so, we are willing to pay that price.” He cited other cases in which conservatives have supported sacrificing human life for higher goals, such as the 2003 Iraq invasion, which produced the societal benefit of enriched defense contractors and, at least temporarily, American control over oil-producing areas.

To some observers, the GOP shift was to be expected. “It was never really about abortion per se,” said Ann Coulter, a conservative commentator. “We conservatives talk about the sanctity of life quite a bit, but that’s just a simplification. If we cared about life so much we’d be all for expanding welfare and health care.” In fact, says Coulter, homosexuality is a greater threat to societal morality than abortion, since the most likely and numerous cases of abortion involve populations that the GOP wrote off long ago as irredeemably immoral: African-Americans, Latino immigrants, and anyone with an annual Adjusted Gross Income of less than $180,000.

While echoing Coulter’s assessment, other analysts cast the GOP’s change of position in starker demographic terms. “The Republican Party suffered an unexpected backlash this past November when their campaign strategy clearly indicated they view women, African-Americans, and Latinos as threats to society’s fiber, moral or economic,” explained  Immie Grant, who writes about politics for The Los Angeles Times. “The election results gave the GOP a wake-up call about the future of America’s population: browner, poorer and in favor of greater government involvement in social affairs.”

Grant noted that some of the less scrupulous Republican rhetoric during and after election time accused the Democrats of registering illegal immigrants and others to vote. Although voter fraud accounted for an insignificant fraction of voter turnout, the demographic menace implied by that accusation made the Republicans realize they must act either to embrace those growing demographics with more a more solicitous platform, or combat the very growth of those populations. Since the number of unwanted pregnancies is high in those population sectors, the new GOP strategy will also have the effect of limiting the number of registered voters hostile to Republicans, to the tune of thousands per year.

In keeping with its confrontational stance of late, the party decided to stand up directly for the values it espouses, and elected to oppose the growth of those undesirable populations instead of appealing to them. The availability of abortions is but one prong in their strategy: others include maintaining the ban on narcotics and other controlled substances, which helps foster gang violence and reduce the number of inner-city residents available to compete with whites for coveted jobs and influence; and keeping firearms freely and easily available to increase the chances that those minorities will   fall victim to the use of those weapons.

Coulter did note that the shift might bring the GOP on a collision course with more traditionally minded voters, especially in conservative Christian circles, and with the Catholic Church. She declined to speculate how the party will navigate the new set of considerations, but did mention that ideological integrity has never been a strong point with Republicans.

“Remember, this is the party that gave us a ‘fiscally conservative’ Reagan who increased government spending like no one before him,” she said.

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Written by Thag

May 9, 2013 at 7:59 pm

Not to Be Outdone by Arkansas Abortion Ban, Kansas Outlaws Maturbation

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The Great Seal of Kansas.

The Great Seal of Kansas.

Topeka, Kansas, March 7 (AP) – Following the Arkansas legislature’s adoption of a ban on abortions after 12 weeks of pregnancy, Kansas has gone even further to protect the rights of the unborn, prohibiting the very act of male ejaculation anywhere that cannot result in pregnancy. As a safety measure, any stimulation or arousal of a penis not in the context of actual vaginal intercourse with a fertile woman will be punishable by fines or imprisonment.

“This is a historic day for the unborn,” said Governor Sam Brownback at a ceremony signing the bill into law. “Kansas now leads the way in protecting the most vulnerable among us, so small as to be unseen, but no less deserving of the chance to grow and develop into contributing members of society.”

An estimated 400 quadrillion sperm cells are issued from men each day, only a tiny fraction of which actually end up reaching an egg cell to fertilize it, according to Long Peters, director of the Organization for the Non-conceived And Non-born (ONAN). “Just because a person doesn’t have the full complement of chromosomes in each cell does not mean that person is unworthy of legal protection,” he said. “This achievement is a milestone in the fight for the sanctity of life.”

ONAN lobbied Kansas’s Republican-dominated legislature heavily in support of the ban. Opponents called the law impractical and unenforceable, but Governor Brownback brushed away the criticism. “Just because we cannot prevent every crime does not mean we should refrain from preventing any crime at all,” he said to cheers from fellow Republicans.

Kansas has been at the forefront of the struggle to protect the unborn. Kansans rallied to close the only clinic in the region that performed late-term pregnancy terminations, resulting in the killing of the physician who performed the procedure and keeping the facility closed for years. Long credits the state’s simple commitment to life with the sweeping success of the legislation.

Governor Brownback and ONAN representatives also announced an initiative to draft further legislation to protect the unconceived. Already, several loopholes in the current law are drawing attention of legislators, who vow to engage the cooperation of neighboring states in ensuring that would-be masturbators do not simply cross into, for example, Nebraska or Oklahoma to spill their seed.

A second bill, proposing penalties for any woman who menstruates, is currently in committee, a law that would make failure to fertilize the potential embryo the legal equivalent of criminally negligent homicide. As a precaution, girls approaching puberty would be required by law to undergo weekly tests to detect approaching ovulation. The bill is currently held up because Republican legislators must find a way to protect the unfertilized ovum from losing viability, but must also find a way to mandate that the young girls engage in the necessary sexual intercourse only in the context of marriage, a provision that would require a serious rewrite of myriad other statutes.

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Written by Thag

March 7, 2013 at 4:45 pm

GOP Gearing Up To Deny Obama A Third Term

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Obama Big BirdWashington, DC (AP) – November 2016 may be nearly four years away, but the Republican Party has already set its sights on dethroning Barack Obama.

“We made some strategic errors in ’08 and 2012, and we didn’t communicate our messages effectively,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, one of several prominent GOP politicians whose names have been mentioned as possible candidates. “But third time’s the charm – I guarantee you won’t see Barack Obama being sworn in as President ever again.”

History does not favor the incumbent in this case: the last President to win a third term was Franklin Roosevelt in 1940, and he was the only one. But the Republicans are leaving nothing to chance, and have arrived at a two-pronged strategy to ensure that Obama retires from the Presidency for good in four years.

The first prong involves learning from the mistakes of the previous two campaigns, in which the more extreme right-wing elements of the party played an outsize influence and alienated women and Latino voters with their strident rhetoric in favor of restricted access to abortion and tighter immigration control. The Republican National Committee will try to focus on more moderate, pragmatic figures within the party to appeal to those demographics.

The second prong requires the GOP-controlled House of Representatives to obstruct, denounce, foil, bury, dilute or otherwise defeat any Democratic initiative in an effort to prevent Obama and his allies from implementing any policies to which the President can point in an election campaign. House Speaker John Boehner noted, with some gratification, that this element of the strategy does not require any significant changes in Republican methods or tactics.

“We’ve had this part of the plan in action for four years already,” he explained, “and within two years we might even win control of the Senate, too, so things are progressing well, if gradually, on that front.”

Obama, for his part, has said little of his plans for 2016. This early in the term he would naturally not talk about four years from now, preferring instead to focus on the executive challenges of the present. Addressing the next election this far in advance would only cause the electorate to question the President’s focus on the here and now, which could damage his approval ratings.

“We won’t know until a couple of years from now what Obama intends to do in ’16,” said veteran Democratic campaign adviser James Carville. “And even if he’s already made a firm decision, now is not the time to discuss it, except maybe among his closest confidantes. Even then, it might to too risky to let on what he has in mind. Washington has far too many leaks.”

Aside from Christie, the Republicans likely to try to unseat Obama include stalwarts such as Sarah Palin, Bill Richardson, Michelle Bachmann, Fred Thompson and Ron Paul, as well as relative newcomer Paul Ryan. Boehner himself might throw his hat in the ring when the time comes, but he says his focus is on the legislative front right now.

Mitt Romney was unavailable for comment, as he was still busy trying to win the 2012 election.

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Written by Thag

January 14, 2013 at 3:19 pm

Republicans Deny Plan to Rename Washington ‘Romneyville’

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Washington, DC (Reuters) – The Republican National Committee found itself on the defensive today after an RNC document was leaked to the media, purportedly containing a proposal to rename the nation’s capital after the party’s Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, once he wins the presidency. The campaign issued a statement vehemently denying the existence of such a proposal, and the RNC accused its political rivals of manufacturing the document.

The leaked document mentions the proposal to rename Washington, along with a provision for doubling income tax for every citizen who voted for a Democratic candidate for national office in the last six years, and a call for branding all resident aliens, legal or not, with a hot iron on exposed flesh.

“This is clearly the work of our Democratic opponents,” said RNC spokesman Ken Starr in a press conference at the GOP headquarters in Washington. “No Republican in his right mind would dare suggest such a thing. If anything, it’s Obama and his supporters who keep claiming to be all about ‘change,’ for all they’ve accomplished in the last four years.”

Democratic representatives, for their part, dismiss allegations that they had anything to do with the release of the document, and took it at face value. “There’s only one party in this country that’s so out of touch with the experience of the average American that they would consider renaming our capital city,” said House speaker Nancy Pelosi. “What’s next – rechristening California as Reagania?” Republican Ronald Reagan served as governor of California before being elected to the Presidency in 1980.

Some Republicans also took the proposal at face value, but saw nothing wrong with it. “Mitt Romney is positioned as no other Presidential candidate in history to permanently change the fabric of our nation’s politics,” said Ralph Reed, a conservative lobbyist. “Since we’ve become a party increasingly dedicated to the welfare of the super-rich and almost-super-rich, Romney now has unprecedented leverage in engineering the disenfranchisement of huge swaths of Democratic voters with a few strokes of the pen. Renaming Washington would just be a symbol of that power. I, for one, relish the thought that it might happen soon.”

The Obama campaign has remained relatively silent on the matter. Avi Uss, a political analyst with WDUH news in Virginia, sees that as a deliberate decision, allowing Romney and his fellow Republicans to continually shoot themselves in the foot rhetorically, a strategy that has been paying dividends for Democratic candidates everywhere this year, and requires little to no investment.

The strategy was first in evidence when Missouri Republican Congressman Todd Akin declared that women’s bodies could automatically detect whether a pregnancy resulted from rape or legitimate intercourse, and abort unwanted fetuses unless it wasn’t really rape. Democratic opponent Claire McCaskill specifically avoided exploiting Akin’s stupidity, preferring to let it speak for itself.

This week, Mitt Romney characterized nearly half the nation’s citizenry as freeloaders, making any specific campaign moves all but irrelevant for Obama, as more and more voters become convinced on their own that a Romney presidency would spell disaster at worst, and farce at best.

“It’s too bad they’re denying the renaming proposal,” said Sarah Castic, 33, of Racine, Wisconsin. “This would have been a great opportunity for the Republican party to showcase its honesty. That would have been a breath of fresh air. The American people could vote for a candidate who will initiate the deliberate collapse of economic security for the vast majority of us, and for once it won’t come as a surprise, because we basically voted for it.”

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Written by Thag

September 19, 2012 at 10:22 am