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Posts Tagged ‘New York

NY Sports Fans Not Surprised At Garner Death; Used To Choking

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MetsNew York, December 9 – Followers of New-York-area sports teams are expressing considerably less shock at the death of a man in a policeman’s chokehold than other populations, surveys indicate, because they are accustomed to the phenomenon of watching their chosen clubs choke.

A study of Knicks, Mets, Islanders, Rangers, Yankees, Jets, Nets, and Giants season ticket holders and of subscribers to the satellite or cable channels carrying those groups’ games shows that the demographic in question has developed a much higher tolerance for observing others choke than has the population at large. A control group expressed revulsion in approximately twice the intensity at seeing people choke than did these sports fans.

Choking has been a part of the New York sports experience at least since 1960, when the Yankees failed to put away the Pittsburgh Pirates in the World Series and ended up succumbing on perpetual underachiever Bill Mazeroski’s walk-off home run in game seven. Since then New York fans have lived through the futility and occasionally tantalizing periods of real potential embodied by their teams only to see them come crashing down after flirting with success.

Most prominent among the dubious group are the Knicks, who came oh-so-close to glory several times in the 1990’s only to choke famously against the Bulls, Rockets, and Pacers – with Reggie Miller of the latter club memorably gesturing toward the Knicks with his hands around his neck, thus capturing in an instant the essence of Knicks underachievement.

Choking has plagued New York on several other prominent occasions, including the Yankees’ 2004 inability to defeat the Red Sox in the American League Championship Series despite a 3-0 series lead. That letdown followed 2001 and 2003, when they lost the World Series in seven games. In more recent seasons they have failed to perform to expectations – with the highest payroll in all of professional sports – seldom advancing beyond the first round of postseason games if they have managed to reach the postseason at all. The lone bright spot of the 2009 championship has only served to highlight the sense of failure and choking under pressure every single other year.

The study authors intend to conduct similar research in other cities with perpetually disappointing performances by sports teams. Los Angeles features prominently as a candidate location, with the Dodgers consistently following a dominant season with a poor performance in the playoffs.

If LA becomes the venue, the researchers will be challenged to distinguish between adaptation to Los Angeles underachievement and residual tolerance for the choking that moved there from New York – first in the 1956 Bobby Thomson home run that gave the rival Giants the pennant, and more recently in the team’s Manager Don Mattingly, whose only playoff experience with the Yankees was in 1995 when his team dropped a five-game Division Series to the Mariners after leading two games to none.

Written by Thag

December 9, 2014 at 11:46 pm

De Blasio’s First Move: Shoot-To-Kill Dog Owners Who Fail To Clean Up

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dog poopNew York (AP) – New York City mayor-elect Bill de Blasio has announced that his first move as Mayor on the first of January will be to empower New York City Police and concerned citizens to shoot the owners of dogs that leave excrement on the ground and neglect to clean it up within minutes.

De Blasio called a press conference this morning to publicize his intention and to give New Yorkers notice of the impending policy change. Until now, dog owners and walkers have been subject to fines of up to $500 for the violation, but de Blasio asserted that he has received unending complaints from residents of all five boroughs that canine fecal matter can still regularly be found adorning various parts of the city. He hopes to gain City Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

November 20, 2013 at 9:17 pm

NYC Marathon Canceled: ‘Running 26 Miles Is Stupid’

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NYRRNew York (AP) – Organizers of the New York City Marathon have announced that they are canceling the event this year and do not intend to schedule one for the foreseeable future, citing the realization that it is monumentally stupid to run 26.2 miles.

The New York Road Runners, the body that administers the race, issued a press release and online notices to the effect that the annual competition held every November would no longer Read the rest of this entry »

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November 14, 2013 at 2:07 pm

Scientists To McCartney: Lonely People Come From New York

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Eleanor RigbyLiverpool, United Kingdom (AP) – After nearly fifty years of research, scientists have finally been able to supply a satisfactory answer to a query first posed in a 1966 paper by noted social researcher Sir Paul McCartney regarding the origins of people with few or no intimate relationships. They point to New York, where millions of people live and work, and work very hard to avoid making eye contact.

The original paper, Eleanor Rigby: Lonely People in Aeolian and Dorian Modes, looked at the lives of two Lancashire residents who had no apparent friends or nearby relatives, one of whom died during the period of observation. The authors – McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison, Ringo Starr, and Pete Shotton – took pains to set the particulars of the subjects’ lives against the meta-questions affecting socially limited individuals, repeatedly returning to the question of where such individuals originate.  Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

November 11, 2013 at 3:12 pm

Scientists: San Francisco Earthquake-Prone Because City Built On Rock & Roll

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We Built This CitySan Francisco (AP) – Seismologists have concluded that the origin of San Francisco’s relatively high incidence of earthquakes and tremors results from the city’s foundation’s composition of rock and roll.

For decades, scientists have attributed the unstable ground of the San Francisco Bay area, along with much of western California, to its location along the fault line where two tectonic plates meet and move against each other. As a result of the constant shifting, the theory went, the tremendous pressure would be released when one or more portions of the area gave way, resulting in sometimes severe earthquakes. Read the rest of this entry »

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October 21, 2013 at 2:36 pm

Traffic Moves At Over 30 MPH On BQE; Scientists Baffled

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Above, the BQE as conceived in 1930 by Robert Moses; below, the BQE last week.

Above, the BQE as conceived in 1930 by Robert Moses; at left, the BQE last week.

BQE traffic 2Brooklyn, August 27 (AP)  – The laws of physics were thought to make it impossible, but this afternoon, vehicles on a stretch of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway were clocked at a full 33 miles per hour.

At approximately 1 p.m., the westbound side of the roadway just beyond the Kosciuszco Bridge had cars and trucks moving at the highest speed ever recorded on a major Brooklyn thoroughfare, let alone the BQE, which was specifically designed by Robert Moses not to allow any vehicle to reach speeds in excess of 30 mph. Eyewitnesses alerted police cruisers, which used radar, to confirm the bystanders’ suspicions: at least one hundred vehicles attained speeds between 30 and 33 miles per hour for nearly eighty feet before again succumbing to congestion, potholes, confusing signage, worn out markings, glare from office tower windows, and a team of semi-trailers specifically tasked with taking up space in order to slow traffic.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” gushed Fishel Horowitz of nearby Boro Park, who travels along that route every weekday on the way to his jewelry store in Midtown Manhattan. “I got one look at the speedometer thingie and said to my carpool mate Moishe, ‘Moishe, you got to see this! Look at this!’ He barely had time to see the needle point past the thirty before we hit traffic again, but there it was, plain as day.”

Police spokesman Crowne Victoria told reporters that several officers had recorded radar speed readings in excess of the 30-mph plateau, indicating that the witnesses’ reports were correct. “This represents an exciting, and, at the same time, troubling development, a sign that the measures in place to keep the BQE crowded, miserable, and murderously frustrating may not be sufficient,” he said at a news conference.

Enoch Cain, a professor of Urban Planning at Columbia University, echoed police concerns, and added that according to his preliminary calculations, the odds of such an occurrence are longer than those of [New York Yankees third baseman] Alex Rodriguez becoming likable. “Really, we should see the Mets win the World Series six times in a row, starting this year, before we ever see traffic moving like that on the BQE.”

Previously, the highest speed reached by a vehicle on any of the outer borough roadways was a child’s Flexible Flyer sled coasting down an exit ramp of the Grand Central Parkway near Astoria, Queens, just after the blizzard of January 7, 1996. The sled, operated by then-ten-year-old Sumaya Khan, achieved a velocity of 27 miles per hour before encountering the powerful magnets under the road surface that keep cars from accelerating too much, lest their occupants get to their destination in a timely fashion.

Victoria noted that the NYPD has had a fleet of cruisers deployed around the clock just to prevent the expressway from becoming anything other than an unpleasant place to drive. “First of all, it was constructed in Brooklyn and Queens, which should already turn off anyone with a sense of aesthetics, or just plain sense. Add to that the fleets of vehicles specifically devoted to blocking, slowing, and endangering everyone. then you have the fact that it was built inland, not along the water, where there would have been plenty of room. And you have all the constant construction.”

Victoria did note that the continued success of the BQE interdiction policy rests on the population of Brooklyn and Queens remaining as clueless, masochistic, or some combination thereof, as it has always been. “Fortunately, we see no sign of that changing,” he said, pointing to Williamsburg residents who pay obscene amounts for coffee with pretentious names.

Written by Thag

August 28, 2013 at 12:07 am

Not To Be Outdone By Weiner, Other Candidates Send Lewd Photos, Messages

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Weiner2New York, July 25 (AP) – Concerned that the latest revelations of Anthony Weiner’s sexually explicit online behavior have given him a publicity advantage, other prominent candidates for New York City Mayor are publicizing their own indiscretions.

Former Congressman Weiner resigned from his seat in the House of Representatives after being caught sending suggestive pictures to a woman other than his wife, in 2011. After a public apology and an attempt to rehabilitate his image, Weiner declared his candidacy for mayor. This week, he admitted to more recent indiscretions involving text messages.

City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, considered the leading candidate, soon confessed to reporters that she routinely traffics in inappropriate online images and videos. “And I’m a lesbian, which should make this tidbit even juicier,” she said at a press conference today.

Joseph J. Lhota

Joseph J. Lhota

MTA Chairman Joseph J. Lhota, as well, posted at least two dozen erotic photos of himself on his campaign’s Facebook page in an album he titled, “Get a Lhota These.” Remarks attached to the photos suggested they were taken over a period of eighteen years, and most recently last month, apparently an attempt to establish that Mr. Lhota’s extensive documentation of his deviant online behavior extends back years and was not simply a reaction to the attention given to Mr. Weiner.

Public Advocate Bill de Blasio, also campaigning to succeed Mayor Mike Bloomberg, did not release any photos or texts, but made known to reporters that he specifically visits Las Vegas to partake of legal Nevada prostitution, and that he has been a proud subscriber to several online pornography sites for years, and before that, an avid consumer of print media in the same vein.

City Comptroller John C. Liu also made a valiant attempt to demonstrate his irresponsible use of the internet by inviting, via Twitter, prominent officials and media representatives to participate in what he termed, “Liu-ed acts.” Given Liu’s reputation as conservative in his personal habits, the initial reaction to the tweet has been skeptical. “It doesn’t seem sincere to me,” said New York Times correspondent Alison Leigh Cowan, who has been covering this aspect of the mayoral campaign. “But I must say I’m intrigued and flattered to be included, so I’ll probably attend and make my personal assessment afterwards.”

220px-CatsiJohn A. Catsimatidis, the grocery store billionaire, leveraged his corporate and retail clout to display offensively sexual images of the candidate in the windows of his Gristede’s supermarket chain. Between posters touting tomatoes for $2.99 per pound and a special on pork loins, Catsimatidis is easily identified in enlarged photos of the man in suggestive poses with multiple partners of both sexes. A warrant has been issued for his arrest, leading Cowan to suggest that the added publicity of such a development could only help Mr. Catsimatidis, who has been trailing in the polls.

“What Weiner – and Elliot Spitzer, for that matter – have proved is that getting yourself on the map politically actually becomes easier if you have a sexual scandal or two under your belt,” she said, apparently without a trace of irony. Spitzer, the former NY governor, resigned after reports of his visits with prostitutes while in office. He is also running an election campaign, for City Comptroller. Catsimatidis, said Cowan, is banking on a similar dynamic with his own candidacy, which could only benefit at this point on the campaign trail.

Whoever wins, says Cowan, will be the one who proves they are proficient at screwing many people at once, preferably 8.3 million of them.

 

Written by Thag

July 25, 2013 at 1:06 pm

11 Hospitalized in Encounter with Nauseatingly Affectionate Couple

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pdaNew York, July 14 (AP) – A Queens man and woman are in custody after their public displays of affection resulted in the hospitalization of nearly a dozen passersby this morning.

Jose Ruiz Menendez, 28, and his girlfriend, Sara Murphy, 24, were arrested late this morning on Fifth Avenue, allegedly following a cloying display of hand-holding, nuzzling, repeated pecks on the cheeks, and multiple counts of loving head-on-partner’s-shoulder caressing. As a result of the couple’s actions, 11 people were sent to Belleview Hospital, with a further nineteen treated by paramedics at the scene.

According to preliminary police reports, the couple were walking south along the east side of Fifth Avenue at about 10:30 AM when Murphy, walking alongside Menendez, grasped his arm and inclined her head tightly against it, continuing in that position for about eight yards, according to eyewitnesses. The resulting disgust caused three people to succumb to nausea and three others to reel around to escape the sight, slightly injuring six.

As Menendez and Murphy proceeded south, they apparently remained oblivious to the mayhem they fomented. Menendez kissed Murphy on the top of her head several times and murmured lovingly to her as they waited to cross 38th Street, causing an elderly woman to clutch her chest, having suffered a mild heart attack. She was listed in stable condition as of about noon.

When the couple stopped to sit on a bench near 36th St., Murphy sat on Menendez’s lap as the two exchanged embraces, kisses, affectionate strokes of the hair, shoulders, back, and arms, as well as words of devotion and mutual care. This further display resulted in several more victims, at least one of them admitted to the hospital’s trauma unit. A bystander notified the police, who arrested the two perpetrators at the scene.

Police Commissioner Raymond W. Kelly told reporters that New York has seen its share of similar crimes, but the department must remain vigilant, as this case clearly demonstrates. “According to the information we have right now, the two suspects were engaging in sickening displays in broad daylight. Neither of them has any criminal record, but our officers continue to be on the lookout for such crimes.” He dismissed reports that a police officer had failed to report the couple upon seeing them holding hands and smiling as far north as 45th St., noting that the first recorded incidence of disgust occurred significant to the south of that location, and that the first eyewitnesses placed Menendez and Murphy on 44th between Fifth and Sixth before they were even observed on Fifth, making the former report unlikely.

According to NYPD statistics for 2012, 12 couples were arrested for Public Displays of Affection, a decrease of 3 since 2011, which in turn saw a reduction of 2 in 2010. The statistics spiked in fall 2009, possibly as a result of the Yankees World Series title, but that remains conjecture.

Menendez and Murphy were unavailable for comment, and their attorneys declined to comment for this article.

 

Written by Thag

July 14, 2013 at 2:11 pm

NIH Announces 100% Effective Birth Control: Just Be Yourself

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Abrasive - New PageWashington, DC (AP) – Responding to growing concerns over access to methods of birth control, the National Institutes of Health issued new guidelines to you today, assuring you that just being yourself would provide all the protection against pregnancy that you will ever need.

A report entitled Useful Guidelines for Libidinal You (UGLY) gives an analysis of the effectiveness of this method. According to UGLY statistics, just being yourself prevents pregnancy and most sexually transmitted diseases, topping even the latex condom in effectiveness. The condom is 98% effective in preventing pregnancy and STDs such as herpes and HIV, while being yourself achieves 100% prevention.

The NIH cautions that just being yourself works to prevent pregnancy only for about 84% of the population. The other 16% are both actually physically attractive and have a personality that does not make others cringe. For that segment of the population, existing methods of birth control and infection prevention remain the recommended procedures.

The NIH report’s conclusions are already enjoying a surprising level of bipartisan support, given the historic acrimony over birth control and other reproductive issues between Republicans and Democrats. House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) has already welcomed the report, praising it for its candor in touting methods that do not rely on access to abortion or manipulation of the menstrual cycle, methods that make religious conservatives uneasy.

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) also praised the NIH, saying that the UGLY method shows unique promise in his home state, where rudeness and antisocial behavior have long since come to define the local ethos. “New York can be the front line for implementing this strategy,” suggested Schumer. “We’re talking about a state – and especially a city – where making eye contact is generally considered grounds for homicide.” It should be no problem, said the Senator, to let the hostility and awkwardness play its natural role of keeping the population in check.

Talk about photographic honesty. Dude.

Talk about photographic honesty. Dude.

New Jersey Governer Chris Christie, a Republican, lauded the potential for tremendous savings. “Condom distribution programs cost money, and they’re always a political hot-button issue,” acknowledged the 2016 presidential hopeful. “But who can argue with social programs that actually save money and don’t pit conservatives and liberals against each other?” added the overweight, abrasive man.

Years ago New Jersey actually began a publicity campaign to foster such down-home birth control methods. The earliest successful measure, though limited, provided the environment for Aaron Burr to kill Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Already in the early nineteenth century the Garden State had secured a reputation as a backwater, lawless place, and the two combatants agreed that Weehawken made a suitably unpleasant location to fight to the death. It has not changed much in the intervening two centuries.

More recently, New Jersey played host to The Sopranos, a hit HBO drama involving realistic mobsters, emphasizing the petty, ugly concerns that characterize not only the life of a mafia boss but of every inhabitant of the state outside Princeton. A few years later, the reality TV series Jersey Shore introduced the typical New Jersey characters to viewers nationwide, allowing the state’s residents to bask in the disgust and contempt that has always made New Jersey notable.

The state’s efforts received an unexpected endorsement this past fall when the Nets, formerly of New Jersey, relocated to Brooklyn, demonstrating that some places are even less welcoming than New York.

Written by Thag

June 27, 2013 at 12:32 pm

Bloomberg Administration to Regulate Birthday Party Goody Bag Contents

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lootNew York, NY (AP) – Continuing his efforts to employ mayoral authority to stem the rising tide of obesity, New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg launched another initiative today aimed at curtailing children’s consumption of fatty, sugary foods, this time as part of the treats traditionally distributed by the birthday celebrant to his or her departing guests.

The goody bag, or loot bag, as it is known in some quarters, traditionally contains several sweets and greasy or salty snacks, and sometimes cake or cookies. Some versions also include a small game or toy, but the focus of the new initiative – and of the kids who receive the bags – remains on the food portion of the contents.

Pending approval by the City Council, the measure would limit such bags to a single “fun size” sweet or salty treat, with the remainder of the contents comprising unprocessed fruits or vegetables and no more than 2 ounces of starchy, unsweetened material such as crackers or pretzels. Non-food items are not subject to the new legislation, and no limits would be placed on the quantity or type.

Earlier versions of the measure had a proposed mandatory inclusion of information on the importance of healthful eating habits, but according mayoral aides, Mr. Bloomberg quickly realized that such a requirement would be cumbersome and would necessitate further bureaucratic involvement to produce or approve such material and provide for its adequate distribution throughout the five boroughs.

The mayor’s previous anti-obesity initiative sought to ban the sale of large-size soft drinks. Though that measure passed the City Council, a subsequent lawsuit and opposition by the soft drink industry resulted in its cancellation. The goody bag industry does not enjoy the same financial and political clout as the soft drink companies, and experts expect the measure to remain on the books if it passes.

“Odds are this one will do well,” said N. Annie State, a political analyst for the journal Welfare Mom’s Day. “The snack food industry is too fragmented to put up much of a fight, and parents everywhere are getting more and more health-conscious.”

Other experts disagreed. “The demographic that actually puts together goody bags is not the demographic that suffers most from childhood obesity,” noted Ray Syst, who writes about diet and class issues for Time Magazine. “The people who buy the junk food in quantity are the ones who don’t have time to prepare a wholesome birthday party to begin with – they’ll just take the kid out to Burger King or some pizza place. This legislation misses the point entirely, and inconveniences people without accomplishing its goal.”

Syst said a better initiative would be to institute a minimum age for fast food items such as most states already have for tobacco products and alcoholic beverages, but acknowledges that would be an uphill fight even in regulation-friendly sates such as New York. Alternatively, he suggested, bag manufacturers could be required to print warnings regarding the dangers of overconsumption of unhealthy foods, much in the way cigarette packages must feature such a prominent label.

At press time, a crowd of several hundred parents from Park Slope, Brooklyn, were protesting the overuse of Dora the Explorer themes at birthday parties.

Written by Thag

May 29, 2013 at 9:12 pm

NY City to Levy Fines for Dispensing Unsolicited Parental Advice

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unsolicited adviceNew York, NY, April 19 (AP) – Responding to increasing pressure from parents, the Bloomberg administration announced this morning that it will begin penalizing people who offer advice to parents without being asked to do so. Additionally, people whose unsolicited remarks include implied or outright criticism will be subject to further fines.

At a press conference on the steps of City Hall, Mayor Bloomberg introduced the initiative, which he called Urban Parent-Youth Operation to Urge Restraint in Scolding (UPYOURS). UPYOURS, approval of which in the City Council is all but assured, will take effect in time for the more pleasant spring weather, when children and their parents return to playgrounds en masse, often attracting “helpful” comments from others.

“It’s high time we defend the good citizens of this city from the scourge of harassers,” said the mayor. He cited statistics compiled over the last decade which document a fourfold increase in the number of uninvited parenting critiques or remarks within the five boroughs. “As the most responsive administration this city has ever seen, our response is UPYOURS.”

therapistNeighborhood parent associations had taken note of the increase and began petitioning the city to address the problem. “We parents have enough challenges living in this city,” said Getta Wayfromme, a Park Slope mother of two preschoolers. “Between the mommy-child yoga, the swimming lessons, the interrogation – I mean vetting – of possible caregivers and the shopping for stylish accessories, it’s tough enough as it is. We don’t need people implying that we’re not already giving our children the very best, let alone saying it outright.”

Not everyone is pleased with UPYOURS. Sharyn N. Karen, 54, of Williamsburg, says she has seen enough parents to know which ones are doing fine and which ones could use some helpful guidance. “People don’t like to admit it, but they need other people,” said the childless, single artist. “It’s just good that there are people such as I to helpfully correct the errors of others’ ways, such as when they fail to impart when to use the phrase, ‘such as I’ instead of ‘like me.'”

Other provisions of the city ordinance include: greater leniency for advice-givers who have children the same age as the parent receiving the comments, all the more so if the children have been playing together for more than thirty seconds; additional fines for belittling or dismissing the anxiety of a parent over his or her child’s possibly fatal food allergies; and mandatory jail sentences for lecturing on the benefits of cloth diapers or for treating breastfeeding in public as objectionable.

At the press conference, Bloomberg praised the parents who first proposed UPYOURS. “This city has always benefited from citizens who understand where public action is necessary and where things are best left in the realm of the individual. As this administration has made clear before, it is not the place of other individuals to tell people how to live their lives.”

“That’s the city’s job,” he said.

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Written by Thag

April 19, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Yankee Fans Looking Forward to Dominant Season, Early Playoff Exit

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YankeesTampa, Florida (AP) – As pitchers and catchers began reporting for spring training this week, Yankee fans started their annual ritual of anticipating a season full of on-field success followed by a disappointing performance in the postseason.

While analysts and fans alike debate the merits of keeping aging, expensive stars as everyday players, those players are gearing up for yet another spring, summer and early autumn of crescendoing excitement leading to soul-sucking frustration. For the Yankees and their fans, the portion of autumn in which they will take an active interest or part will be comparatively abbreviated.

That fact has not stopped lifelong Yankee fans from attending exhibition games during spring training. Neither has it dissuaded season-ticket holders from rearranging their lives around the team’s regular-season home schedule, or from paying exorbitant prices to score good seats at Yankee Stadium.

“Sports fans in general are a masochistic sort,” says Professor Marge Schott of Ohio State University, a cultural anthropologist. “You don’t have to look much farther than Chicago. The Cubs haven’t won a championship in more than a century, and the team’s fans nurture this perverse pride, as if true fandom can only exist when your team doesn’t win.”

“In the case of the Yankees, you have to multiply that, because they’ve had baseball’s largest payroll since Lord knows when, and that creates expectations that fate just loves to explode,” continued Schott, her breathing getting faster. “Add to that the fact that it’s New York, and everyone loves to hate New York because they’re jealous of the outsize role the place plays in every area of culture, economics and politics.”

“On top of it all they also have to deal with the Jets!” Schott shouted, a maniacal grin stretching across her face, referring to the the area’s perpetually underachieving football team, one of the few franchises in NFL history to go more than four decades without a Super Bowl appearance.

Recent years have reinforced the pattern of Yankee playoff underachievement. After winning four world championships from 1996-2000, the team has since secured the title only once, in 2009. Only once did the Yankees fail to make the postseason entirely during that time, representing ten postseasons characterized by dashed hopes and rueful second-guessing.

Schott declined to comment on the Mets, the Yankees’ crosstown rivals, saying they were beneath contempt, and that not even devoted haters of New York could in good conscience wish the Mets on the city.

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Written by Thag

February 7, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Breaking News: Panhandler Successfully Avoided

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alcohol researchNew York NY (AP) – Bruce Feiler, 28, scored a coup this morning when, on his way out of Grand Central Station on 42nd Street, he managed to maintain a buffer of other pedestrians between him and a panhandler. Feiler thus averted eye contact with the pathetic soul, and thus prevented the profound awkwardness of encountering a fellow human in such dire straits and not offering substantial assistance.

The incident marks the second time this week that the accountant has evaded the massive guilt he would otherwise feel had he walked directly past the panhandler and given the man nothing. Instead, minuscule pangs picked at Feiler’s conscience for approximately 2.8 seconds, the time elapsed between the non-encounter with the beggar and arrival at the nearest crosswalk, where Feiler’s focus shifted to the red-light-green-light dynamic that governs the remainder of his walk to work.

Feiler selected the route within the first few days of his employment at his current firm, as he had observed that crossing 42nd Street any farther east would bring him into potential contact with at least two other panhandlers. He works on the north side of 42nd at Third Avenue, which requires him to cross back over the east-west artery. On several occasions he rationalized the specifics of the route by electing to use the ATM at the Bank of New York branch at 42nd and Park, which would necessitate crossing the street almost immediately upon exiting the terminal.

Other times, he bought coffee from a streetcart vendor on the south side, and felt compelled to praise the superiority of that purveyor’s wares over those of a competing seller on the north side of the street, despite the utter lack of distinction in quality or flavor between the two. Twice, Feiler also manufactured an intention to visit a housewares store on the south side of the street in order to justify his roundabout itinerary.

In an average workweek, Feiler succeeds about half the time in avoiding the awkwardness of direct proximity with the panhandler at the Grand Central exit, which is an excellent achievement, says Hope Liss, an analyst with GOP Poverty Solutions, a for-profit research firm. “Most working pedestrians have to plan their beggar-avoidance path at least twenty feet in advance of the panhandler, but emerging from the station on a crowded weekday morning during rush hour doesn’t afford you that wiggle room,” she explained. “So managing with such consistency to create a convincing image of not noticing the beggar takes considerable skill.”

The beggar in question, Felix Henderson, 50, has a history of drug addiction and unemployment, though he is currently clean, and is considered by veteran Grand Central commuters to be relatively adept at forcing eye contact and engendering sufficient empathy to warrant a donation of at least a dime, sometimes a whole dollar. He pleasantly thanks each contributor, and praises Feiler’s skill at pretending the panhandler does not exist.

“That guy with the gray suit and always-polished shoes? Yeah, I seen him. He one of the guys who happen to remember to be on the phone as they approaches,” said the homeless man.

He shook his head. “Never seen a more pathetic sight.”

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Written by Thag

January 15, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Tenth Annual Misunderstanding Judaism Conference Kicks Off

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Kosher style.

Kosher style.

New York, NY (AP) – The Jacob Javits Convention Center was filled to capacity on Sunday as thousands of non-Jews came to attend a four-day conference to deepen their misunderstanding of one of the world’s oldest faiths.

The General Organization of Yiddish Ignorance Movements (GOYIM), an umbrella group of gentile organizations devoted to misapprehending Judaism, sponsored the event in conjunction with SoundBite, an advocacy group that promotes superficial treatment of complex, nuanced social and political issues.

GOYIM set up dozens of booths, each one devoted to disseminating misinformation about Jewish tradition, characteristics and practice, with an entire section of purveyors selling “kosher-style” food next to the booth devoted to mischaracterization of Jewish dietary rules.

Several large Christian congregations sent delegations to the fair to reinforce the myths their communities have always assumed to be true, and the entrance hall was lined with posters of famous individuals whose Judaism was of marginal importance to them but given outsize emphasis by the uninformed public. A special section portrayed many famous real-life and fictional figures who were not Jewish but everyone assumes were, such as Ebenezer Scrooge, the protagonist of the Dickens novel A Christmas Carol. No pains were taken to disabuse the attendees of those notions.

At the “kosher style” food court, Mary Entwistle of Mahwah, New Jersey, commented that the frankfurters tasted just like the ones she could get anywhere else. “What’s so special about kosher food, then?” she wondered.

Her companion, Michelle Powell, went to investigate at the relevant misinformation booth, and came back triumphantly to announce, “Kosher means it was blessed by a Rabbi,” satisfying herself and Entwistle with a complete corruption of a complex system aimed at promoting Jewish awareness of the sanctity involved in eating.

They finished their pork sausages and found themselves at a display of bed sheets with holes in the middle, where the booth attendant was explaining that the sheets are the kind used by Ultra-Orthodox Jews for sexual intercourse, so that the husband and wife can minimize contact with each other in the name of modesty. The audience oohed and ahhed, taking at face value the complete opposite of the level of marital intimacy that Jewish law encourages. The sheets were for sale at $35.99 each for twin size, and $44.99 for king.

Elsewhere in the hall, a pair of caricature artists were busy sketching customers’s faces and whimsically adding horns to the images, in keeping with the popular, hilariously off-base image of Jews as anatomically different from other people. Artists George Lamont and Nina Cassidy let visitors know that the once or twice they had encountered Jews in their home town of Pottsville, Iowa, they tried to find an excuse to feel the sides of the Jews’ scalps for the small protrusions. They warned their clients that they clearly exaggerated the horns’ size, but, rest assured, it’s as real as could be.

GOYIM Director Paul Gregory said he had hoped to find other sponsors for the event among wealthy Jewish businesspeople, considering his bizarre assumption that Jews control the banks and finance industry, but to no avail. “I was dumbstruck – here they have this global fund that sponsors every Jew’s entrepreneurial initiatives, and they can’t spare a few grand?” He stared at a poster of the allegedly Jewish symbols on the American dollar bill before adding, “I guess if they’re the Chosen People that means they get to be elitist and all,” completely missing the sense of ethical purpose and mission to which the term refers.

MDA bloodNot everything at the conference was purely misinformative or commercial; some displays were overtly altruistic. One booth solicited contributions to a fund for nose jobs so that Jews would not have to walk around all sporting unattractive hook noses. Another asked for blood donations, encouraging passers by to give so that Jews would not have to slaughter a gentile child to make their Passover matza. The proprietor, Mustafa Isfahan, was unsure exactly how to get the donated material to the appropriate destination, but was confident he would find a way. “All I have to do is call up a Jewish temple and they’ll be able to direct me to the proper people,” he said.

“I mean, all Jews know one another, so it’s not like that should be a problem.”

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Written by Thag

December 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Red Sox Fire Valentine; City Commits Collective Suicide

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That color is actually a Charles River of blood (AP).

Boston, MA, October 4 (AP) – Following the Boston Red Sox’s worst season since 1965, the citizens of the Massachusetts capital all killed themselves Wednesday and Thursday.

The team had been plagued by injuries and poor performances all season, while tension developed early between newly hired manager Bobby Valentine and some of the veteran players. Red Sox management dismissed Valentine today, with a year remaining on his contract, then joined the rest of the city in an orgy of self immolation, disembowelment, slit wrists, hanging, jumping off tall buildings and taking a bath with a toaster.

“Goodbye, cruel baseball world,” cried Alfred O’Donnell, 38, a lifelong Sox fan and father of two, as he prepared to inject himself and his family with massive overdoses of heroin. “My children, I do this to spare you from the agony that would surely be yours for ages to come.”

The self-killing spree began on Monday, after the hated New York Yankees, the team’s longtime nemesis, clobbered the Sox in New York, 10-2. Any thought of salvaging at least some dignity by beating the Bronx Bombers disappeared in a savage puff of smoke as the Yankees piled on the hits. Boston fans began jumping in front of oncoming T Transit trains as soon as the last out was recorded. Police statistics are sketchy, as the officers normally tasked with maintaining the data opted to off themselves with their service revolvers rather than continue to inhabit a world in which there is no justice.

Another disappointing loss on Tuesday pushed thousands more over the edge. Four hundred downtown businesses and sixty thousand prominent individuals took out a full-page ad in the Boston Globe announcing their intention to commit mass suicide by various means over the course of the next day if the Sox did not at least avoid a crushing series sweep at the hands of the Evil Empire.

The final game began in a promising fashion, as Cody Ross singled in a run in the top of the first inning, and Bostonians looked at their razor blades and katana swords with slightly less eagerness. The moment lasted about forty seconds, as Ross was caught stealing to end the inning, and the team would only add one more run over then next eight. The Yankees, meanwhile, answered with fourteen of their own. Robinson Cano and Curtis Granderson each hit two home runs, with the latter’s second blast giving the Yankees 245 homers for the the season, a team record.

The Red Sox, meanwhile, could barely manage to maintain their will to live, let alone put up a fight. At the team’s headquarters, upper management held a dour meeting the following morning to discuss whether they should bother doing anything beyond dismissing Valentine before they all went home and drank bleach.

No one in Boston was available for comment.

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Written by Thag

October 4, 2012 at 11:07 pm

NYC Subway to Allow Sane People in Stations, Trains

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New York, October 3 (AP) – Metropolitan Transportation Authority chairman Joseph J. Lhota announced yesterday that the NY City subway system would, for the first time in over thirty years, allow a limited number of sane people each day to enter and use the trains and platforms.

Since 1980, sane people have been barred from entering the labyrinth of track and concrete connecting four of the city’s five boroughs. In the first two decades following the decision, continual review of the available data pointed to positive results and minimal hassle to the average commuter, who was spared the awkwardness and unpleasantness often associated with encountering the sane.

But things began to shift in 2001 and 2002. “Sane people have been getting much better treatment and access to rehabilitation since [Mayor Rudolph] Giuliani’s second term in office,” recounted Lhota at a press conference. “And that has continued under Mayor [Michael] Bloomberg, to the point that now, commuters encountering sane people on the subway probably won’t even notice the difference between them and any other fellow commuters.”

Joseph J. Lhota

The repeal of the subway sanity ban is limited to passengers, and does not affect other branches of the MTA network. Buses will still be restricted to people over the age of 73 and the physically ill, except for schoolchildren capable of producing noise greater than 85 decibels for extended periods. Metrocard sales clerks must still undergo mandatory surliness and obesity training every two weeks, and decisions regarding track closures and repairs must be made by a committee with a collective IQ of no more than 73.

Lhota says the Authority is constantly reviewing the available information about all parts of the system, and will make other necessary changes as circumstances warrant. “We’re looking at a fifty-fifty possibility that a similar change will take place next year on the bridges,” he said, referring to the policy, in effect since 1993, that allows access to non-EZ Pass lanes only to the willfully ignorant and the utterly clueless. The SideTrack Plan, as it is known, has eased congestion at all of the major river crossings into and out of Manhattan. Lhota noted that the number of clueless drivers has decreased drastically since that time, largely as a result of several dozen major accidents that the Authority engineered in order to clear the road of such menaces.

Commuter reaction has largely been muted. “I’ll go to Hell with Obama first!” yelled Oscar Morton, 55, emerging from the 59th Street station. “No more green onions!” he shouted, shaking his fist at no one in particular.

Sally Evans, 40, agreed. “Awwwwwrrrr!” she said, licking the turnstile at the Rockefeller Center station as she went through.

“We’re looking forward to seeing how this works out,” Lhota concluded. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get this invisible suit back to the cleaners.”

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Written by Thag

October 3, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Yankee Stadium Bleacher Creatures Required to Use Iambic Pentameter

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Bronx, NY (AP) – In an attempt to temper the rowdiest fans, the management at Yankee Stadium has announced that it will now require any chanting from the bleachers to have a coherent rhyme scheme, a proper poetic meter and a recognizable melody, according to a Yankees corporation press release.

The Bleacher Creatures, as they are affectionately known by the news media, engage in the heckling of visiting players common in most Major League ballparks, a practice that sometimes crosses the line between good-natured fun and outright violence. They also customarily serenade the Yankees one at a time by name until the player whose name is chanted acknowledges the recognition. The bleachers, located in right-center field, offer less expensive seating than the rest of the stadium, and tend to attract a different class of fan.

In order to filter out some of the foul notes emanating from that section, the statement says, only attendees who cooperate in chanting in more civilized fashion will be allowed to remain. Initially, the meter will be restricted to rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter, most famously associated with Shakespeare.  Bleacher gates will open an hour earlier than before, according to the statement, to allow for rehearsal.

After a suitable trial period the permissible forms will expand to include hexameter verse, the form employed by the classical Greek works The Iliad and The Odyssey. The press release cited those examples as demonstrations that the Stadium continues to be a Homer-friendly park.

In an interview, Yankees spokesman Rhyme Sandberg noted that this is not the first attempt to fuse lyricism with professional sports. When the Cleveland Browns football franchise moved to Baltimore, the team was renamed the Ravens to honor that city’s most famous poet, Edgar Allen Poe. “We’re not going to do it all at once; that would be more than anyone could handle. We intend to build a crescendo of civilized cheering. The wine-dark sea that is the baseball world looks to New York for leadership, and this is a golden opportunity to trumpet both our athletic and cultural success,” Sandberg said.

Not everyone is so excited about the change. Chris Lewis, 44, of Jamaica, Queens, has been attending Yankees games for nearly thirty years, and nearly always sits in the bleachers. “This isn’t a group of people who like being told what to do. They conduct themselves a certain way, and you can’t orchestrate their behavior for them,” he warned.

Tom Cokely, 40, of Midwood, Brooklyn, disagrees. “I look forward to a different tone coming from the bleachers.” Cokely has attended games regularly since 1996. “But it all depends how they handle it. The notes have to come out properly right off the bat, or people will walk. It has to be the perfect pitch.”

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Written by Thag

September 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Chicago Trades Cubs to Seattle for Mariners

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Chicago, IL (AP) – Almost six months into yet another failed season for both baseball franchises, the cities of Chicago and Seattle have agreed to trade their baseball teams, pending approval from Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. Selig is expected to approve the move.

With the brief exception of the mid-to-late nineties and the early part of the last decade, the professional sports teams of Seattle have consistently underachieved. The Seattle Supersonics NBA team gave the city its only real bright spot in 1979 with an NBA championship, but that glow turned into a sense of betrayal when the franchise packed up and moved to Oklahoma City in 2009. They join the short-lived Metropolitans as the only two championships for Seattle teams in prominent professional sports, both of whom either ceased to exist or took their talents elsewhere. The Metropolitans became the first American team to win hockey’s Stanley Cup, in 1917, but folded in 1924.

The football franchise Seahawks have perpetually been the laughingstock of the National Football Conference, second perhaps only to the New York Jets in comical ineptitude, though some experts point to the Detroit Lions as the embodiment of epic football futility.

The Cubs, infamously, last gave Chicago a baseball championship in 1908, representing the longest championship drought in North American professional sports. Although they briefly flirted with further success about ten years ago, the cellar of the National League has been familiar territory for much of the last century.

Adding to their collective frustration, the Cubs and Mariners already have in common the record for the most wins during a regular season, at 116; the Cubs accomplished that in their last championship season, while the Mariners did so in 2001, only to lose to the hated New York Yankees in the playoffs; the Mariners remain one of only two teams in all of baseball without a championship. The other such team is the expansion Washington Nationals.

But the setting for each team differs markedly, and that is precisely the point, says Dan O’Shaughnessy, a Boston Globe baseball columnist. “The Cubs, the Lovable Losers, for all their futility, inhabit Chicago, where the White Sox, Bulls, Blackhawks and Bears have more than made up for the North Sider’s shameful history in the city’s psyche. But the Cubs felt overshadowed by their crosstown and cross-sports rivals, and the city agreed to let them try their luck elsewhere. Chicago isn’t losing much,” he wrote in his Sunday column,.

“But the Mariners have the opposite problem, and they hope that the winning ways of the Chicago region’s professional teams might prove contagious, an experience they’ve never had,” O’Shaughnessy concluded.

The Cubs are not the first baseball team to consider a move to Seattle. In the early sixties the Cleveland Indians considered such a relocation, and their achievements, or lack thereof, in the ensuing years have some baseball historians saying it might as well have happened – to the point that many Cleveland football fans blame the Indians’ flirting with Seattle for the Browns’ continued on-field failures, though they reserve most of their recriminations for Browns owner Art Modell, who shipped the team off to Baltimore and rechristened them the Ravens. In Baltimore the team actually won a championship, adding to Midwestern sports fan bitterness.

In 1969 the Pilots began playing in Seattle, but moved to Milwaukee the following year to become the Brewers.

Also on Sunday, New York Mets announced that they will be transforming their organization into a retirement center for aged Yankees castoffs, starting in 1962.

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Written by Thag

September 10, 2012 at 2:30 pm

States Agree Not to Mention that NY Resembles a Deformed Penis

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What are you looking at, you pervert?

Albany, NY (Reuters) – Two-thirds of the states have ratified a measure barring comparisons of New York’s shape to the defining feature of male anatomy, bringing to a close more than four centuries of debate over the issue.

The treaty calls for the states to refrain from calling attention to unfortunate features of geography and topography beyond the control of the state government. Most other states lack such features, but several have them, and were among the first to ratify the measure. Florida, with a similar problem to that of New York, has been less self-conscious about its shape, though it has acknowledged its fate by naming a city St. Petersburg. Alaska, as well, has a western coastline that bears an evocative resemblance to a portion of female genitalia, though many males would be hard-pressed to locate it without help.

The embarrassing shape of New York came into being when the colony was first formed. The Dutch, originally in control of the the territory, played along, even appointing a succession of governors named Peter – Minuit and Stuyvesant – and carrying the joke into other parts of the state, such as Long Island. They put the “man” in Manhattan, even going so far as to name a thoroughfare “Dyckman Street.”

Even after the British seized control of the colony and rechristened it New York in 1665, the naughty naming continued apace, with the establishment of Scrotum-on-Hudson and other more subtle references, such as Rochester and Crown Heights.

But New York’s leaders were always of two minds about the area’s unfortunate visual associations. When more and more people gained access to formal education and maps, the members of the state legislature drafted a document calling for voluntary restraint on the part of all the states to preserve the dignity of their state institutions and keep their discourse chaste. For decades, the proposal languished, but last year’s debacle with NY Congressman Anthony Weiner thrust the issue into the open again and gave the measure a new burst of support.

Not every state legislature was so convinced that the agreement is necessary, or serves a constructive purpose. “Michigan would rather be able to poke fun at New York, even at the expense of having her northwest peninsula similarly mocked,” said Detroit Mayor Dave Bing. “Aside from the Tigers beating the pants off the Yankees, when do we ever get to engage in such a cathartic release of frustration?” Michigan did not ratify the agreement.

Although the treaty explicitly rules out impolite references to natural formations, some states, notably appendix-shaped New Jersey, will not be immune to mockery of its reputation as one big toxic waste dump, a major factor in Trenton’s close vote on the issue this past spring. Opponents criticized the agreement as a fig leaf for New York arrogance. The measure barely squeezed through after intense lobbying by both sides that aroused political tensions among Democratic legislators frustrated by their impotence under Republican Governor Chris Christie.

But the governor managed to pull the vote through, and New Jersey’s ratification may prove seminal in lessening the animosity between the cross-Hudson rivals. “We really do get along,” he remarked, “even though New Yorkers can be such pri – wait, am I allowed to say that?”

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Written by Thag

August 30, 2012 at 4:20 pm

The Evil Empire on Geritol

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Written by Thag

May 14, 2012 at 8:49 am

Woman Breastfeeding on Subway Causes Massive Orgy

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New York (AP) – The sight of a woman suckling her infant on the subway yesterday caused commuters to engage in a wanton, public orgy, say police.

According to preliminary reports, on Monday at about 4:30 PM, Kate Philips, 26, boarded a northbound A train at the 34th St. station, carrying her seven-month-old son. Witness statements indicate that at some point between 59th Street at 125th St., the infant became cranky, and Philips, a pervert who refuses to use formula like other, civilized, humans, loosened a flap in her shirt over her left breast and exposed approximately one-half-square-inch of her flesh for nearly three quarters of a second. The exposure lasted until the child latched on and began to nurse, and during that interval the partially exposed breast wrought moral havoc on all the inhabitants of the subway car.

By the time the express train pulled into 125th St., every passenger in the same car as Philips was a participant in multiple lewd acts and episodes of intercourse, including a 75-year-old man. Commuters boarding at that station told police that not a single passenger was fully clothed, except for the nursing baby, and that they were forced to use other cars of the train because all three entrances to that car were blocked by gang-bangs in progress.

The cordoned-off section of train (Dee Viant, AP)

Philips was arrested upon arrival at 168th St., and her child has been placed in the custody of Child Protective Services. A spokesperson for the agency, Amanda Jefferson, explained that breastfeeding usually indicates that the mother has an unhealthy lasciviousness about her. “With all the infant formula available nowadays, a woman who chooses to breastfeed can only be doing so because it titillates her,” Jefferson told reporters at a press conference. “A woman’s body is not some food factory with sex hormones.”

Police did not allow reporters to enter the subway car, but through its windows the moral chaos that swept through it was plainly visible. Beneath a hair-removal ad featuring a woman in a bikini lay a pile of discarded clothes, some of them ripped along the seams when their wearers were overcome with unbridled lust.

Lew Dacts, one of whose neighbors was in the car, recalled seeing his neighbor later that day walking around in a daze. “I tried to talk to her, just to say hello or something, but she didn’t even notice me. Her breathing was heavy and she had this wild look in her eyes. I didn’t dare stick around,” he said.

The episode comes on the heels of a similar incident in Chicago last month that made national headlines and brought the issue of public breastfeeding to the fore. In that case, a woman sunbathing topless on her roof called the police to report a neighbor ogling her friend, who was had raised her shirt a few inches to nurse her daughter. No arrests have been made in that case.

Philips before her arraignment

Cleeve Idge, an attorney for Philips, said his client was cooperating with police. “Ms. Philips has repeatedly told the police exactly what she did,” said Idge, adding that Philips wants nothing more than to be reunited with her son and does not understand what she did wrong.

Dr. Anna Liszt, a clinical psychologist at Bellevue Hospital, says that Philips is just one of countless young women with a skewed perception of the role of the body and sexuality in everyday life. “These women, in either ignorance or apathy, genuinely believe that the female breast is a source of food first and a sexual firestorm second,” she explained. “Sometimes it can be traced to parents who grew up in the sixties, but usually it’s just another fetish. Excuse me, I’m getting a little warm just talking about it.”

Written by Thag

April 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Mapping the Truther Mind: Pushing the Stupidity Envelope

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December 11, 2011 at 3:40 pm

‘Occupy the Kitchen’ Protesters Make Specific Demands

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Inspired by the Occupy demonstrations taking place around the country, the children of Thag and Miggtha have staged a sit-in in the kitchen to protest what they say is unjust allocation of family resources.

The children demand a return to earlier, simpler times, when they always got what they wanted.

The children set up their encampment Friday afternoon and have remained there ever since, holding placards, chanting slogans and making speeches denouncing the concentration of power and control of junk food distribution in the hands of the parents. Other grievances include disparities in bedtime between children and parents as well as parental insistence on homework and chore completion as a condition for play dates and other leisure activities, while the parents themselves are hindered by no such restrictions.

“We know who’s got all the power – they’re the ones who make us shower!” was the slogan of choice Saturday morning. Ralph, the ten-year-old eldest child, explained in an interview: “Sometimes I just don’t wanna shower. It’s late, I’m tired, and [two-year-old] Jon pulled out all the dental floss into a big mess, so it takes me a long time to get a good piece to use. I’m tired and I want to sleep already.”

Thag and Miggtha have so far dismissed the protests as the activities of an ill-informed, misguided junior set. “Isn’t it cute how they actually set up a tent by themselves? They even made their own signs,” observed Miggtha, not visibly troubled by the developments.

A spokesman for Thag, who was unavailable – Miggtha guessed he was ensconced in his office working on yet another blog entry – declined to comment on recent events, referring reporters to an earlier statement that read, in part, “You may go back to your tent game when your homework is done.”

[Seven-year-old] Ernie held up that statement as an example of the very obtuseness that the children find so aggravating. “Are we going to let our parents ignore us?” he exhorted the assembled offspring. “If you treat me like a child, I’ll just keep on acting wild!”

Experts are divided on whether the Occupy the Kitchen protests have enough steam to carry them into the school week. The protests have so far remained peaceful, if voluble, and the authorities have not registered any complaints of disturbances or obstructions that would cause disruptions of the everyday routine in the area.

Written by Thag

October 24, 2011 at 10:18 am

Advocates Rally in Support of Marriage for Stupid People

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NEW YORK (AP) – A coalition of advocates for the rights of stupid Americans gathered in Lower Manhattan this afternoon to demand equal rights. Police estimated attendance at 8,000.

A rally in support of stupid marriage attracted about 8,000 protesters, some of whom didn't realize where they were.

 

In the midst of a nationwide trend of states legalizing marriage for stupid people, New York State has become the latest battleground. Opponents of the upcoming ballot measure have brought increasing political pressure to bear on representatives in Albany, threatening to withdraw future campaign support of incumbents who vote to legalize stupid marriage.

Scott Dorker, President of New Jersey-based DOOFUS (Dumb Organization Of Friggin’ Useless Schmucks), addressed the assembled crowd of supporters, vowing to continue fighting “until every last stupid person in America can enjoy the civil rights and privileges that have been, for far too long, available only to, uh, those, uh, the smarts.”

Nearby, a smaller demonstration of opponents called for the stupid to stop imposing their lifestyle on the American public scene. “Intelligence is a personal choice,” explained Percy Donnelly, a stupid-rights opponent from Boston. “Anyone can decide on their orientation toward knowledge. Myriad organizations exist dedicated to the transformation of stupid people into productive, intelligent, happy Americans,” he continued, referring to public and private school systems as well as post-secondary and graduate programs that millions of Americans attend annually.

The internet has demonstrated the pervasiveness of stupidity, according to Miranda McDope, CLOD spokesperson.

Many experts have cast doubt on the efficacy of such programs, citing government statistics. “Despite more than a hundred years of compulsory public education in this country, tens of millions of Americans remain hopelessly stupid,” said Miranda McDope, a spokesperson for CLOD, the Committee to Legalize Our Dumbness, in a recent interview. As evidence, she pointed to the popularity of Reality Television, supermarket tabloids, Barbie dolls, entire web sites dedicated to LOLcats, and to such phenomena as people buying apparel specifically because it prominently features the name of an athletic equipment manufacturer, an act that basically involves paying that company for the privilege of advertising for it. McDope called for government programs to alleviate or eliminate the social stigma attached to being stupid.

Speakers at the rally in support of stupid rights cited numerous examples of openly stupid historical figures who achieved great professional or personal success, chief among them former President George W. Bush. “Mr. Bush is Exhibit A in the case for continued pursuit of our goal,” exhorted Rodney Mouthful, a prominent activist from Mahwah, New Jersey. “Despite a stupid-American holding the nation’s highest elected office for eight years, we still suffer rampant discrimination and extreme difficulty navigating the Florida election ballot.”

Opponents of the movement have remained steadfast in their positions, however. Attendees at the counter-demonstration held placards touting the definition of marriage as “one intelligent man and one intelligent woman” and called that definition sacrosanct. “Any attempt to redefine marriage to include stupid people constitutes an affront to God,” said Pastor Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist known for his blunt rhetoric. “Such an attempt essentially says the stupid should have the right to reproduce, and look where that’s gotten us so far,” he continued, holding up a large photograph of the British royal family. “What will I tell my children?”

A CBS News survey found last week that only about five percent of the population could respond properly to the survey. The poll had a margin of error of plus or minus some number or other.

Written by Thag

October 22, 2011 at 9:15 pm

The Media: Just the Plural for Medium – as in Fortune Teller

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Headlines as Appearing in:

The New York Times

The New York Post

Your High School Newspaper

The National Enquirer

Cuomo’s First Nine Months in Office a Modest Success

Guv Giving It All

Andrew Cuomo Elected Governor of NY (the State)

Cuomo Family Avoids Staying at Haunted Executive Mansion

Osama Bin Laden Killed in Commando Raid

We Got Him!

Who Is Osama Bin Laden?

Navy SEAL Team Six Kills Two-Headed Elvis Clone at Bin Laden Compound

Obama Presses Israel on Settlements

Prez to Bibi: Stop It

Debating Team Debates Israel vs. Palestine

Obama Proves He’s a Muslim

Yankees Clinch Division; Red Sox Eliminated

Yanks Top Sux -Again

Cougars Beat Westville High

Ghost of Babe Ruth Runs Amok in Fenway Clubhouse

Irene Damage Estimated at $4 Billion

Hizzoner: Send Irene Bill to Feds

Mrs. Miller Remembers 1985 Hurricane Gloria

NASA Steered Hurricane to NYC

Stock Market Drops 8%

Stocks Tumble, Execs Grumble

Teachers in Foul Mood Over Something or Other Regarding “Pensions”

Invisible Hand Seen over NY Stock Exchange Floor

Gunman Kills 10 in Memphis Campus Shooting Spree

Redneck Rampage: 10 Dead

Student Suspended for Bringing Fake Gun to School

Giant Anaconda Devours Children on Way to School

Idaho Ex-Governor Convicted of Embezzlement, Breach of Trust

Book Thrown at Boise Bookie

Betting Pool Arises over Anticipated Firing Date of Chemistry Teacher

Possessed Jury Calls for Capital Punishment in Civil Lawsuits

Pollution Depresses Economy Dependent on River Fish

PCBs Pound Palookaville

A Reminder to Wash Hands after Using the Bathroom

Godzilla’s Return Imminent, Say Government Scientists

US Strips Former Death Camp Guard of Citizenship

Ex-Nazi Extradition

Mr. Parker Lectures on Prejudice

Auschwitz Guard Reincarnated as Lamp Post

Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple, Dead at 56

Jobs, Well, Done

A Portrait of an American Entrepreneur by Jamie Howard (9th grade)

Will of Steve Jobs Found Scrawled in Blood on Skin of Missing IBM Exec

2 Americans Awarded Nobel Prize for Economics

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Senior Awards Ceremony Canceled

Economists Predict Third, Fourth and Fifth Great Depressions before 2015

Heat Trade James Back to Cleveland

LeBron Comes Crying Home

Coach’s Arrest Delays Varsity Tryouts

‘I Learned Basketball from Himmler,’ Says Drunk LeBron

NASA Announces Discovery of New Earth-Like Planet

Life Out There?

Pluto No Longer a Planet

Life Out There!