Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Posts Tagged ‘Hollywood

Man Told To Make Like Tree, Get Out Of Here

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BIffHill Valley, CA, June 8 – A local auto mechanic told a dissatisfied customer today to emulate a tree by leaving, albeit in such a way that the play on words in the classic line was not made apparent.

Biff Tannen, who runs a car repair business, instructed an unidentified visitor at his establishment to “make like a tree” this afternoon and “get out of here,” apparently unaware that the second part of the line as correctly expressed instead uses the single-word imperative “leave,” which is both the verb that means growing leaves – what a tree does – and a synonym for “depart,” which is what he intended for the visitor to do forthwith.

Tannen has had trouble in the past with accurately rendered turns of phrase, leading observers to question his intellectual capacity. The native son of the area enjoys a reputation for attempting to intimidate others into acquiescing to his will, often with the implied or or explicit use of unpleasantly applied force. Such behavior has only sometimes served Tannen well: in his school days he was often successful in persuading others to complete his work for him, but his bullying ultimately cost him the girl of his affections as his mark unexpectedly stood up to him and decked him, forever securing the sweetheart’s love and completely reversing the roles in the other man’s relationship to Tannen from that point on.

Rumors have swirled about Tannen’s youthful escapades. Sources who spoke on condition of anonymity, fearing retribution, talked of the younger Tannen’s boasts regarding an ability to predict the outcomes of sporting events, an ability evidently never actually displayed in the real world. Whispers among Tannen’s closest associates – known by their nicknames Match, Skinhead, and 3D – overheard by those sources seem to indicate a missing document that could have changed the man’s life at a young age, and its absence has remained a constant source of frustration and low self-image since high school.

Speculation about the nature of that document was once commonplace, but with the passage of time it has died down, recurring only occasionally when other sources of local gossip at the Lone Pine Mall Hair Salon have dried up. The most widely accepted version of events has it that Tannen was set to inherit a fortune from ancestor Buford Tannen, but was never able to assert a legal claim. Others speak of his being privy to inside information that would enable him to profit immensely from some sort of investment, but the opportunity was squandered.

At press time, Tannen was neatening his clothes in preparation for a visit from George McFly, a longtime acquaintance and a client he always tries to impress.

Written by Thag

June 8, 2014 at 5:16 pm

Oddjob Tosses Hat Into Presidential Ring, 4 Killed

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OddjobWashington, May 20 – With the 2016 election campaign barely two years away, political operatives are already exploring possible candidacies, including former henchman Oddjob, who tossed his hat into the ring today and ended up killing several people.

The four victims were about to announce their own exploratory committees when Oddjob sent his steel-reinforced bowler flying in their direction. Witnesses said one of the victims, as yet unidentified, managed to shout a warning to the others, but they were unable to dodge the hat. Oddjob was taken into custody and charged with four counts of manslaughter.

The three victims who have been identified were former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson, Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner. The fourth victim is female, and died from a spinal cord injury. The other three had major arteries severed in their necks and died from blood loss.

Analysts are divided on whether the killings will adversely affect Oddjob’s electoral prospects. “People like toughness in a candidate during times of instability,” says expert Auric Goldfinger. “This might be just the incident to spark the public’s interest and demonstrate to them that Oddjob is the right man for any tough job.”

Others are less convinced. “The American public might appreciate a no-nonsense approach while in office, but an election campaign is mostly about finesse,” contends Pussy Galore, once a former associate of Oddjob. “I’m afraid Oddjob might have seriously hurt his chances with this.”

Ms. Galore acknowledged that getting rid of the narcissistic Congressman Weiner, twice-busted in sexting incidents, could only boost Oddjob’s popularity, but it would probably prove insufficient over the long term to offset other factors.

“President Obama got rid of Osama Bin Laden, but still had to wage a tough campaign in 2012, even as an incumbent,” she noted. “I realize Bin Laden was no Anthony Weiner, but still.”


More inanity can be found here: PreOccupiedTerritory.

Written by Thag

May 20, 2014 at 4:13 pm

Israeli-Palestinian Talks At Impasse; Negotiators Watch The Princess Bride Instead

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Pit of Despair

Tzippi Livni

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – After several fruitless weeks of back-and-forth negotiations over so-called Final Status issues over which Israelis and Palestinians differ, the delegates to the talks have decided to abandon  the effort and watch The Princess Bride repeatedly instead.

The talks, conducted in secret, have apparently yielded no results yet on questions of: Palestinian refugees; the status of Jerusalem; borders; the nature of the hoped-for Palestinian military, if any; whether the nascent Palestine would recognize Israel as a Jewish state; and myriad other unresolved points of contention that have dogged the two sides since the Oslo Accords of 1993, which was supposed to be an interim agreement. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 30, 2013 at 2:23 pm

Report: Delusions of Grandeur at All-Time High

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James BrownNew York, July 1 (AP) – Following decades of doting parenthood, reluctance to impart criticism, and the ever-increasing availability of social media to feed narcissistic tendencies, the number of people who see themselves as great, or at least destined for greatness, is at unprecedented levels, according to a report from the National Association of Really, Cosmically, Indubitably, Super Special Unique Stars (NARCISSUS).

The 95-page report, published Monday, analyzed the findings of several studies, though this analysis was preceded by 90 pages of exploration as to the source of the association’s manifest awesomeness. The studies determined that as a result of exclusively positive feedback from parents, teachers, and other figures of authority, the emerging generation of young adults, especially in the United States, contains a higher percentage than ever of individuals who wrongly believe they are God’s gift to the universe, the opposite sex, potential employers, academic institutions, and other prospective participants in relationships.

Before the emergence of the Baby Boomers and Generations X, Y, and so-called Millennials, relatively few people had sustained, outsize images of themselves, according to Maya Eego-Booszt, editor of the journal Mine, who was not involved in the study but supported it under the assumption it was, as everything else, about her. “The people who genuinely believed themselves to be of global importance has been steadily on the rise for almost half a century,” she noted, citing the mass navel-gazing of the 1960’s and the Yuppie mentality of the 1980’s as markers of the trend. 

“But once upon a time life was challenging enough that the vast majority of people encountered the sobering reality early on,” she explained, meaning that any illusions of greatness they harbored were dashed in all but the most obtuse, sociopathic individuals. “Invariably, those sociopaths went into careers that attracted such personalities, such as politics or entertainment, which is how we wound up with Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Kim Song-Il, Mussolini, de Gaulle, James Brown, and every operatic tenor.”

But with the rise of mass media and the softening of living conditions of billions around the globe over the last fifty years or so, countless young people reach physical maturity without encountering any situations that pose serious questions about their assumed ability to surmount all obstacles. As a corollary, the same masses of individuals continue their parents’ work in nurturing the sense that everyone else, and everything they encounter, is theirs to exploit.

Kanye WestFor some, says social critic Constance Facepalm, their delusion is narrowed to specific fields of endeavor, such as expressed loyalty to a specific sports franchise, or ability to sound off endlessly on certain political, social, or cultural issues such as Lindsay Lohan and her latest escapades.

“There’s a natural affinity that these deluded egomaniacs have for other misguided, corrupt souls,” she says. “What other period in history could have such attention showered on a Kanye-West-Kim-Kardashian-type story and have so many people genuinely believe it’s newsworthy? Only a generation that sees itself as illuminated by that story in ways it considers flattering.”

“But they’re all ridiculously obese,” she continued. “It boggles the mind.”

Written by Thag

July 1, 2013 at 3:56 pm

James Gandolfini Hailed For Realistic Death Portrayal

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Gandolfini in 2007.

Gandolfini in 2007.

Rome, Italy (AP) – The actor who garnered multiple awards for his role as a complex New Jersey mafia boss in the hit HBO series The Sopranos has wowed critics again with his convincing portrayal of a dead actor.

James Gandolfini, 51,  was vacationing in Italy and was scheduled to attend the Taormina Film Fest, when he gave an impromptu, tour de force performance as a heart attack victim and ceased all bodily metabolic activity. Long regarded as a gifted thespian, Gandolfini’s stock had remained high since his breakout role as Tony Soprano, and his achievements had left audiences and critics wondering whether he could sustain the dramatic artistry that came to define him.

With the heart attack, Gandolfini effectively put to rest any doubts as to his continued ability to throw himself completely into a character and channel his own emotional and physiological state into the acting.

“I’ve always said he’s comparable to Mozart,” said David Chase, who directed the HBO series. “But he wasn’t so convinced. I guess he needed to keep proving how talented he is. Truth is we didn’t need this convincing, but if this helps James feel better about his acting, more power to him.”

Chase said he had wondered whether Gandolfini would attempt to break out of the molds that had come to define the roles he was given, but admitted he did not see this move coming, especially right now. “You don’t usually see such forceful, top-flight acting when a guy isn’t in front of a camera or on a stage – yet another way in which James surprises us.” Gandolfini was relegated to character acting and minor roles in various films from when he began his acting career in 1987 until he became a bona fide star in 1999 with the start of The Sopranos. The series ran six seasons and won multiple Emmy awards, including three for Gandolfini as Outstanding Lead Actor in a drama. He was nominated for that award all six seasons.

Gandolfini was unavailable for comment.

Written by Thag

June 20, 2013 at 9:23 am

Clark Kent Gets Laughs with Doppelganger Week Superman Icon

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Metropolis (AP) – Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent caused many chuckles around the newspaper offices this past week after he replaced his usual Facebook profile photo with an image of Superman. The mild-mannered correspondent reportedly followed the suggestion of an unidentified acquaintance who noticed the resemblance.

“That’s Clark, all right,” said James Olson, whose desk sits only a few feet away from Kent’s in the newsroom. “It’s amazing that it took a social media gimmick for us to notice. I wonder whether Superman himself knows? I mean, Clark isn’t exactly a nobody in this town,” he continued, referring to his colleague’s duties as an anchor on WGBS TV news.



Kent’s supervisor, Managing Editor Perry White, acknowledges the humor, but worries that the levity it has created at the Planet may compromise the quality of the establishment’s journalism, or its reputation. “As a news outlet we pride ourselves on sticking to facts and evidence. A bit of intramural kidding is fine, as far as it goes, but Kent’s profile can also be seen by many people outside the organization, and we’d prefer to keep a public face that projects adherence only to that which can be observed and reported. Not this other nonsense.”

A brief survey Planet staff indicates that few others in the organization share White’s concerns. “It’s harmless,” says Lois Lane, a colleague and close friend of Kent’s. “No one’s really going to think less of our organization because we have a sense of humor. What idiot is going to think that Clark and Superman are the same?”

Superman has been unavailable for comment, and does not maintain a Facebook profile. Longtime Superman nemesis Lex Luthor, however, has found several doppelgangers, and changed them daily: Telly Savalas, Yul Brynner, a shaved Larry Bird, Patrick Stewart, and, in self-deprecating humor, H. Ross Perot and the late Frank Purdue.

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, and we’ll get back to you after a visit to our Fortress of Solitude. Better check for toilet paper before we sit, though.

Written by Thag

February 9, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Some Celebrity or Other Star Arrested, Charged

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hello tagLos Angeles, CA/New York NY (News Agency) – A past-his-or-her-prime director/actor/actress/musician was arrested yesterday in the Los Angeles/New York area for driving over the speed limit/domestic violence/DWI/drug possession. His/her publicist/agent/attorney maintained his/her innocence and lambasted the media for the excessive, salacious coverage.

The former big-time star of stage and/or screen, known for his/her work on a hit song/production/film/show, has had brushes with the law before, notably when he/she was arrested on charges of shoplifting/soliciting a prostitute/prostitution in a previous year. The celebrity underwent rehabilitation/did community service and made a brief comeback.

Once a staple of celebrity magazine coverage, the fading star now finds himself/herself more often mentioned in publications such as The National Enquirer and as an element of twentysomethings’ informal trivia sessions among friends. The celebrity is best known for his/her Grammy/Emmy/Daytime Emmy/Oscar/Golden Globe/Tony Award winning performance/song/film/Broadway show, but also won a measure of fame for other work in music/Hollywood/television/theater productions.

The celebrity was discovered by famed/legendary producer/director/talent scout/casting director X, who saw/heard him/her in an amateur production of show/video/song/play and quickly signed him/her for a role in a movie/in a music video/in a stage production/as a backup singer, which gave the celebrity exposure and led to larger, more prominent roles/singing engagements.

Al BundyHe/she dated a notable athlete/actor/actress/musician/model until the latter admitted an affair with a different celebrity. This was followed by a relationship with a notable athlete/actor/actress/musician/model, which resulted in marriage that lasted several months. The two had met on the set of [production name].

The star’s biggest hit earned him/her millions and cemented his/her place among the red carpet names that year. He/she followed up with a strong performance/appearance in a subsequent movie/video/song/show, but eventually faded and succumbed to substance abuse and/or violence and dysfunctional relationships. He/she attempted suicide last year after overdosing on heroin/crack/meth/alcohol.

His/her press agent/publicist/attorney blamed media attention for his/her client’s sad situation.

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Written by Thag

January 7, 2013 at 8:19 am