Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Archive for October 2011

Hamas Entrance Exam

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Thank you for selecting Hamas as your employer of preference. Unfortunately, the demand for positions with our organization far outstrips supply, and we must choose only those candidates who meet our rigorous criteria for membership. The following exam is designed to identify the candidates best suited to the organization’s needs. You have five minutes for each section.

Section 1: Multiple Choice:

1. This image depicts:
(a) The desire of every good Muslim.
(b) My deepest passion.
(c) A pathetic representation of the real carnage I intend to wreak upon the Zionist filth.
(d) My daily lunch outing.

2. The image of this weapon:
(a) Stirs my soul to the depths of its being. Resistance!
(b) Calls to mind the martyrs and heroes of yesteryear.
(c) Will strike fear into the running pig dogs who occupy our holy land.
(d) Looks just like the others I have lying around.

3. My feelings toward this graffiti are:
(a) “That pretty well captures my sentiments.”
(b) “Why isn’t there any Arabic there? At the TOP of the image? And what’s with all those infidel languages?”
(c) “Why is ‘Jew’ only in the singular?”
(d) “You know, someone might conclude from this that the so-called ‘Holocaust’ actually happened.”

Section 2: Short Answers
Please answer in five words or fewer.

1. Which body part of the Jew should be hooked to the back of the pickup truck on the way to the lynching?

2. Zionism creates more filth and pain than ___________.

3. When Islam conquers the world, all infidels will be __________.

4. The best target for a suicide commando operation into Zionist territory is an unarmed ___________.

Section 3: Essays
Please answer three of the following in about 400 words each.

1. Which is preferable, death by suicide bombing at a crowded Zionist pig night club, or death by Zionist pig security forces shooting you as you slit the throats of a Zionist colonialist settler family? Explain.

2. Explain the advantages of Hamas’s uncompromising position vis-à-vis the Zionist entity and its immediate annihilation vs. the traitorous, appeasement-loving Fatah position that destruction of the Zionists must happen in stages and may include cowardly “peace” agreements.

3. Where does one draw the line, if at all, between calling for a second Holocaust and denying such a thing ever happened, except as perpetrated constantly by the Zionists?

4. Would Muammar Qaddafi have served well as a Palestinian leader, or was he too squeamish when it came to the slaughter of enemies? Give specific examples.

Written by Thag

October 30, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Buy One Weapons System, Get the Second for Half Price!

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WARNING: This device must only be used against civilians. The manufacturer shall not be liable for damage or injury incurred as a result of use against bona fide military targets.

 Thank you for purchasing your Katyusha™ Brand disposable rocket. We appreciate your selection of Katyusha™, the only dual purpose military and civilian terrorization device in continuous use since the 1940s.

CAUTION: Use only Katyusha™ Brand rockets in your truck-mounted, land-based or naval launcher system. The manufacturer will not be liable for any damage incurred to the system as a result of firing non-Katyusha™ Brand projectiles. Stay away from those Chinese knockoffs.

HOW TO USE YOUR KATYUSHA™ BRAND ROCKET

  1. Select an area of populated Zionist territory within 30 kilometers of the launcher.

    Fig. 1. Use only actual rockets. Use of plumbing components will damage your system and void your warranty.

  2. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  3. Load rocket into launcher (see fig. 1)
  4. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  5. Point launcher in direction of target.
  6. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  7. Raise launcher to 45-degree angle.
  8. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  9. Arm the Katyusha™ Brand projectile by flipping the “on” switch.
  10. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  11. Hit the “launch” button on the control panel.
  12. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  13. Get the Hell away from where you are, because the enemy now knows your position.

WHEN THE RETALIATORY ZIONIST ARTILLERY OR MISSILES STRIKE YOU, REMEMBER THAT IT WAS KATYUSHA™ BRAND ROCKETS THAT GOT THE ENEMY’S ATTENTION.

 

Written by Thag

October 29, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Dear Thag: Can I Get Some Bad Advice Here?

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With this etiquette advice you'll have the wind at your back.

How does one deal with an occurrence of flatulence in polite company?

Confounded in Pennsylvania

Dear Confounded:

I am surprised to discover that anyone in Pennsylvania actually cares. Or notices. But your question deserves attention regardless of the way your state smells, or its proximity to New Jersey.

Flatulence simply does not exist. Social convention has determined that the best way to spare everyone the awkwardness and discomfort of dealing with someone’s fart at a gloriously inopportune moment is to make them experience the awkwardness and discomfort of pretending nothing has happened despite the manifest assault on the senses.

I recommend taking full advantage of this point of etiquette: find the most outrageously inappropriate contexts in which to unleash the winds, then see how the ultra-prim react. If nothing else, it means you will soon find yourself out of the company of the ultra-prim, which can only be a good thing. Of course since you’re from Pennsylvania, that won’t be all that different from your current situation.

My Ex Lax nothing, which is why I sued the $#@! out of him.

What is the proper form of address for a divorced woman – Mrs. [ex-husband’s first name] [ex-husband’s last name]? Or Mrs. [her first name] [ex-husband’s last name]? Or is it Mrs. [her first name] [her maiden name]?

Directionless is Detroit

Dear [not-your-real-name]:

You might try [her first name]. Really that’s the way people address one another nowadays. If this is someone you don’t know all that well, try “ma’am.” If it’s someone really important, you’re best off getting buddy-buddy with someone on her staff whom you can address by first name, since that’s the only way you’ll get access to her. Take it from a former grant writer.

I think I have the correct answer here, somewhere.

My boyfriend has a nasty habit of picking his nose. He thinks he hides it or does it subtly, but everyone knows he’s doing it. How can I gently inform him that we simply don’t DO that?

Annoyed in Anaheim

Dear Annoyed:

What do you mean, we don’t DO that? I DO that all the time, and you probably DO it, too, only you’re too ashamed to admit it. EVERYONE picks his or her nose, and anyone who denies it is either a liar has no short-term memory. The challenge at hand, so to speak, is how to minimize egregious nose-picking, which I agree is far too rampant.

You might surreptitiously dip his fingers in something unpleasant to inhale, every four minutes or so. Keep it up for a few weeks and he’ll be broken of the habit. Alternatively, you can punch him hard in the nose when he so offends. Hey, if he can’t deal with it, are you sure you want a boyfriend with such hypersensitivity?

Dear Thag:

Does communication by e-mail, text message and the like have to follow the same formal structure and rules as “classic” letters? 

Needing Guidance in Mexico City

Dear Mexico:

The short answer is “yes.”

The long answer is “yes, GODDAMN IT.” People’s writing is atrocious enough when it appears properly formatted; neglecting those rules as well can only bring the apocalypse.

You might object that no one has time for such niceties, or cares. You might then be an idiot, or someone in denial. Let’s just see how your potential employers react when u send thm msgs w/o regard 4 rulz of grammar or spelling. We’ll see if you get beyond burger flipper.

Dear Thag:

I can never remember which fork to use with which course, or where to put my napkin when, or what the protocol is for taking drinks – do I have to wipe my mouth before each sip? After? Which is the wine glass and which water? Please help!

Bewildered

Oh, excuse me! I didn't know I was supposed to act as pretentious as you!

Dear Bewildered:

Hell, I can’t keep track of that stuff, and the odds are no one else can, either. Use the fork you can reach most easily. Use whichever glass is closer. Wipe your mouth when it feels like it needs it. The rest is just an excuse for know-it-alls and show-offs to belittle you for no justifiable reason.

If that happens, play along. Should your host chide you for your supposed ignorance about which glass serves what purpose, zing them right back by questioning why they have only the number of glasses that they do – wouldn’t a proper setting include at least five more? Or are they too cheap, or -gasp! – poor to afford something more respectable? If the offender happens to be a fellow guest, not the host, offer your most cloying, abject, patently insincere apologies for occupying the same room as someone so sophisticated. Fall all over yourself apologizing, and in the process, fall all over them, spilling as many fancy glasses of wine into their lap as you can.

Written by Thag

October 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Classic Thag: August 2010

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I think the codons actually spell out "chocolate."

Originally posted August 30, 2010:

You’ve been living in this house for a number of years, lady and gentlemen. Your mother is quite intelligent, so I thought perhaps you had inherited that trait from her, along with your existential love for chocolate. Alas, I see now that unlike most physical dispositions, comprehension of certain social and household norms is not encoded in nucleic acid sequences.

I regret that it has become necessary to compile this list, a list of rules I thought so self-evident. Oh well. Let’s hope you can extrapolate from this list to other situations. Notice I am not holding my breath.

1. When your diaper is being changed, keep your hands away from the poop. Really now; how hard is this concept to grasp? I’m here to clean you up, not to spread the yuck elsewhere. You’ll notice from the infinite number of previous diaper-changing occasions that not once did I use a bare hand, so I have no idea where you got that idea from.

2. Gravity is a constant. There is no need to test it repeatedly with the same or different objects. It is the same today as it was yesterday, the day before, and the first time you discovered that things fall when released. I, too, appreciate watching something fall a great distance and smashing with flair many stories below, but in this house there shall be no dropping of toys or books, let alone watermelons, one, two or even three floors down the central stairwell. Though we admit watermelons would be über cool from that height.

Shirt or napkin?

3. Shirts ≠ napkins.

4. The tush is soft for a good reason: you’re supposed to sit in your chair until you finish eating.

5. A finger to the lips means to stop talking at once, not to slightly lower the volume of your talking. It is now officially your turn to get the baby back to sleep, thank you very much.

6. Water stays in the bathtub or shower. Do not act so surprised that water ends up on the bathroom floor when you use the shower nozzle as a toy.

7. If you need help wiping, or pulling your clothes back up after using the toilet, calling your mother or me to help will suffice. Hobbling through the house with your pants around your ankles actually makes it harder.

8. Boogers go in tissues, not on walls. Not on furniture. Not on clothes. Not, heaven help us, on hand towels.

9. Missing the toilet happens sometimes, even to females, especially those still training. Cleaning up, however, does not consist of placing some toilet paper over the urine and forgetting about it.

10. “Helping” does not mean “doing what I want and hoping it will be useful.” “Helping” means “doing what I ask you to do.”

11. When you have friends over, propriety calls for you to play with them, not complain that they smell. As if you’re one to talk.

12. When your sibling has a friend over, you do not have an inalienable right to join the fun. The same goes for when grandma comes over and takes your sibling to the park: that is not a good time to take your bicycle to the park, considering that you’ve barely touched your bicycle all summer, and all of a sudden you want to ride it to where they happen to be going.

13. Spilling something means immediately trying to clean it up, not watching the liquid make its way toward and over the edge of the table.

Your basketball game *stinks*.

14. The hamper’s position at the opposite end of the room from your bed is not an invitation to shoot hoops with your dirty laundry. Make a pile on your bed of the clothes you’ve removed, then carry them to the hamper once you’ve donned your pajamas. The rule is quite broad: inside the house there is no throwing of anything. Ever. No, not even that.

15. Just because you can’t see us, never assume we cannot see you. And even if we can’t we still know what you’re doing. We’ve been your age. Any shenanigans you’ve attempted, so have we. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on your folks, and although you do get up ridiculously and obscenely early except on school days, that won’t do it. Just behave, dammit.

I do hope this forestalls any more unpleasantness. And yes, I know you’re mocking me over there. That’s fine; I’m the one who controls who gets dessert.

Written by Thag

October 27, 2011 at 9:15 am

I’ll Have the Soup. Hold the Bowl.

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Food Item

How Item Must Be Prepared According To:

 

Ten-year-old

Seven-year-old

Four-year-old

Two-year-old

Peanut butter sandwich

Without considering cleaning up afterwards

Without asking

Without crust

Without bread

Chicken

Wings, or else

With potatoes, or else

Skin, and nothing else

Whatever’s on Dad’s plate, or else

Pizza

“No mushrooms? Why NOT?!”

“Eww! A mushroom touched my pizza!”

Only if it’s not what’s for dinner

Whatever; I’m just going to eat the cheese directly off the slice with my face

Corn flakes

If I don’t get a china bowl, it means I’m not actually ten years old

Corn flakes and milk must reach the top of the bowl, regardless of its – or my – capacity

Before the seven-year-old gets any

You might as well just pour the milk directly on the table, since that’s where most of it will end up

Pancakes

With too much maple syrup

With too much maple syrup

With too much maple syrup

With whatever stuff you bigger people are all clamoring for

Hot dogs

Barbecued, or you don’t love me

No bun, please – it just slows me down; may I have a seventh frank now?

On a wooden skewer, so I can stab myself repeatedly in the gums and not desist

In a bun, please, so I have something additional to rip up and throw

Soup

With as much bread as possible. No, I won’t need my spoon, and no, I won’t have room for the main course

Just let it sit around and get cold – I’m too busy playing and bothering the dinner guests

Just soup. No vegetables. No bits of anything other than liquid. Hey! That’s a piece of onion! Take it back! Take it back!

It splashes farther if I hit the bowl with my spoon and the one I just took from Mom’s place setting

Chocolate chip cookies

Such that it can be eaten one tiny bite at a time, for finishing first is a sin

Crumbled; eat only the chips

Crumbled; eat only the cookie

Crumbled; don’t eat

Pasta

With cheese sauce – no, wait, with grated cheddar – no, uh, I meant with melted mozzarella

With tomato sauce and cheese.

Hey! What’s this?! I didn’t want sauce!

Whatever. I’m not gonna eat it anyway.

Will only eat it if it’s spaghetti, but you can call anything you want spaghetti, because I haven’t a clue

Eggs

Omelet, but only made by tiny spoonfuls fried one by one

Sunny side up, but only if the ten-year-old prepares it

Omelet, but only if it’s cut into slices like a pizza

Omelet, but only if I don’t have to eat it

Fish

Only if it’s salmon

Only if it’s not fish

Only if there’s something else to eat

Only if I can eat it with my hands

Apples

Use Dad’s peeler-slicer-corer gadget

Red. Sliced thin. By me. Using the sharpest knife. Yeah, that BIG one!

Red. Sliced. Or cut into chunks, whichever is more inconvenient

The exact one the seven-year-old is having

Meatballs

Only the fancy cocktail kind that are a pain to make

Don’t like meatballs.

Hmm. Wait. I think I do.

See above, re: pasta; might as well serve them together

Just make hash, because that’s how the meatballs will end up anyway, and won’t get eaten

Written by Thag

October 26, 2011 at 8:59 am

7 Myths about the Arab-Israeli Conflict that You Never Even Knew

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1. Myth: Other countries’ support for Arab positions vis-à-vis Israel results from their dependence on Arab states’ considerable reserves of dead-dinosaur-derived petroleum.

Fact: Dinosaurs account for little, if any, of the oil deposits in the world. Petroleum comes primarily from the pressurized remains of fossilized zooplankton and algae.

2. Myth: The land of Palestine had always been Arab until the Zionists came.

Fact: The land of Palestine formed hundreds of millions of years before humans, even Arabs, populated any place on Earth.

Hebrew actually reads right-to-left, not top-to-bottom. But you knew that.

3. Myth: Until the 1990’s, only Coca-Cola was available in Israel, because the Arabs boycotted any company that did business in Israel; Pepsi exported to the Arab states.

Fact: Coca-Cola and Pepsi are not the only manufacturers of soft drinks in the world. Coca-Cola was thus not the only manufacturer of crappy soft drinks supplying the Israeli market – they had any number of crappy homegrown soft drinks. If you come to Israel you might still see those drinks on the shelves of various stores – meaning the very drinks manufactured way back when, since no one in their right mind would actually try the stuff except perhaps recent Russian immigrants, of whom there weren’t very many until around the time that secondary boycott ended anyway.


4. Myth:
The European Jews who settled and eventually established Israel did not descend from ancient inhabitants of the land.

Fact: The earliest example of an anatomically modern human, according to anthropological data, is actually a specimen from what is now Israel. It would thus appear that all of humanity began in Israel.

No, no sabra-flavored icing, sorry.

5. Myth: Israeli agricultural tenacity has made the dessert bloom.

Fact: ‘Desert’ has only one ‘s’. An easy way to remember the difference between ‘desert’ and ‘dessert’ is that you always want more dessert, and ‘ess’ in German means ‘eat’.

Israel rocks. At least that’s what the photo source said this was.

6. Myth: Israel’s burgeoning technology sector has made it the Silicon Valley of the Middle East.

Fact: While much of Israel’s land  is composed of silicon – a major component of most sand and rocks – little of the country’s technology industry operates in a valley. Most of the valleys in Israel are inland, whereas most or all of the population and industry lie in cities on or near the Mediterranean coast.

Ottoman Rule

7. Myth: Ottoman rule ended when the British conquered Palestine from the Turks toward the end of the First World War.

Fact: The Ottoman Rule is that no one may sit on the ottoman when Dad is reading or watching TV unless he explicitly gives permission. That rule has never been, and never will be, revoked, no matter how many times the British or anyone else barges through the place.

‘Occupy the Kitchen’ Protesters Make Specific Demands

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Inspired by the Occupy demonstrations taking place around the country, the children of Thag and Miggtha have staged a sit-in in the kitchen to protest what they say is unjust allocation of family resources.

The children demand a return to earlier, simpler times, when they always got what they wanted.

The children set up their encampment Friday afternoon and have remained there ever since, holding placards, chanting slogans and making speeches denouncing the concentration of power and control of junk food distribution in the hands of the parents. Other grievances include disparities in bedtime between children and parents as well as parental insistence on homework and chore completion as a condition for play dates and other leisure activities, while the parents themselves are hindered by no such restrictions.

“We know who’s got all the power – they’re the ones who make us shower!” was the slogan of choice Saturday morning. Ralph, the ten-year-old eldest child, explained in an interview: “Sometimes I just don’t wanna shower. It’s late, I’m tired, and [two-year-old] Jon pulled out all the dental floss into a big mess, so it takes me a long time to get a good piece to use. I’m tired and I want to sleep already.”

Thag and Miggtha have so far dismissed the protests as the activities of an ill-informed, misguided junior set. “Isn’t it cute how they actually set up a tent by themselves? They even made their own signs,” observed Miggtha, not visibly troubled by the developments.

A spokesman for Thag, who was unavailable – Miggtha guessed he was ensconced in his office working on yet another blog entry – declined to comment on recent events, referring reporters to an earlier statement that read, in part, “You may go back to your tent game when your homework is done.”

[Seven-year-old] Ernie held up that statement as an example of the very obtuseness that the children find so aggravating. “Are we going to let our parents ignore us?” he exhorted the assembled offspring. “If you treat me like a child, I’ll just keep on acting wild!”

Experts are divided on whether the Occupy the Kitchen protests have enough steam to carry them into the school week. The protests have so far remained peaceful, if voluble, and the authorities have not registered any complaints of disturbances or obstructions that would cause disruptions of the everyday routine in the area.

Written by Thag

October 24, 2011 at 10:18 am