Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Archive for October 2011

Hamas Entrance Exam

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Thank you for selecting Hamas as your employer of preference. Unfortunately, the demand for positions with our organization far outstrips supply, and we must choose only those candidates who meet our rigorous criteria for membership. The following exam is designed to identify the candidates best suited to the organization’s needs. You have five minutes for each section.

Section 1: Multiple Choice:

1. This image depicts:
(a) The desire of every good Muslim.
(b) My deepest passion.
(c) A pathetic representation of the real carnage I intend to wreak upon the Zionist filth.
(d) My daily lunch outing.

2. The image of this weapon:
(a) Stirs my soul to the depths of its being. Resistance!
(b) Calls to mind the martyrs and heroes of yesteryear.
(c) Will strike fear into the running pig dogs who occupy our holy land.
(d) Looks just like the others I have lying around.

3. My feelings toward this graffiti are:
(a) “That pretty well captures my sentiments.”
(b) “Why isn’t there any Arabic there? At the TOP of the image? And what’s with all those infidel languages?”
(c) “Why is ‘Jew’ only in the singular?”
(d) “You know, someone might conclude from this that the so-called ‘Holocaust’ actually happened.”

Section 2: Short Answers
Please answer in five words or fewer.

1. Which body part of the Jew should be hooked to the back of the pickup truck on the way to the lynching?

2. Zionism creates more filth and pain than ___________.

3. When Islam conquers the world, all infidels will be __________.

4. The best target for a suicide commando operation into Zionist territory is an unarmed ___________.

Section 3: Essays
Please answer three of the following in about 400 words each.

1. Which is preferable, death by suicide bombing at a crowded Zionist pig night club, or death by Zionist pig security forces shooting you as you slit the throats of a Zionist colonialist settler family? Explain.

2. Explain the advantages of Hamas’s uncompromising position vis-à-vis the Zionist entity and its immediate annihilation vs. the traitorous, appeasement-loving Fatah position that destruction of the Zionists must happen in stages and may include cowardly “peace” agreements.

3. Where does one draw the line, if at all, between calling for a second Holocaust and denying such a thing ever happened, except as perpetrated constantly by the Zionists?

4. Would Muammar Qaddafi have served well as a Palestinian leader, or was he too squeamish when it came to the slaughter of enemies? Give specific examples.

Written by Thag

October 30, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Buy One Weapons System, Get the Second for Half Price!

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WARNING: This device must only be used against civilians. The manufacturer shall not be liable for damage or injury incurred as a result of use against bona fide military targets.

 Thank you for purchasing your Katyusha™ Brand disposable rocket. We appreciate your selection of Katyusha™, the only dual purpose military and civilian terrorization device in continuous use since the 1940s.

CAUTION: Use only Katyusha™ Brand rockets in your truck-mounted, land-based or naval launcher system. The manufacturer will not be liable for any damage incurred to the system as a result of firing non-Katyusha™ Brand projectiles. Stay away from those Chinese knockoffs.

HOW TO USE YOUR KATYUSHA™ BRAND ROCKET

  1. Select an area of populated Zionist territory within 30 kilometers of the launcher.

    Fig. 1. Use only actual rockets. Use of plumbing components will damage your system and void your warranty.

  2. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  3. Load rocket into launcher (see fig. 1)
  4. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  5. Point launcher in direction of target.
  6. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  7. Raise launcher to 45-degree angle.
  8. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  9. Arm the Katyusha™ Brand projectile by flipping the “on” switch.
  10. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  11. Hit the “launch” button on the control panel.
  12. Check for enemy spotters, drones or other reconnaissance.
  13. Get the Hell away from where you are, because the enemy now knows your position.

WHEN THE RETALIATORY ZIONIST ARTILLERY OR MISSILES STRIKE YOU, REMEMBER THAT IT WAS KATYUSHA™ BRAND ROCKETS THAT GOT THE ENEMY’S ATTENTION.

 

Written by Thag

October 29, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Dear Thag: Can I Get Some Bad Advice Here?

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With this etiquette advice you'll have the wind at your back.

How does one deal with an occurrence of flatulence in polite company?

Confounded in Pennsylvania

Dear Confounded:

I am surprised to discover that anyone in Pennsylvania actually cares. Or notices. But your question deserves attention regardless of the way your state smells, or its proximity to New Jersey.

Flatulence simply does not exist. Social convention has determined that the best way to spare everyone the awkwardness and discomfort of dealing with someone’s fart at a gloriously inopportune moment is to make them experience the awkwardness and discomfort of pretending nothing has happened despite the manifest assault on the senses.

I recommend taking full advantage of this point of etiquette: find the most outrageously inappropriate contexts in which to unleash the winds, then see how the ultra-prim react. If nothing else, it means you will soon find yourself out of the company of the ultra-prim, which can only be a good thing. Of course since you’re from Pennsylvania, that won’t be all that different from your current situation.

My Ex Lax nothing, which is why I sued the $#@! out of him.

What is the proper form of address for a divorced woman – Mrs. [ex-husband’s first name] [ex-husband’s last name]? Or Mrs. [her first name] [ex-husband’s last name]? Or is it Mrs. [her first name] [her maiden name]?

Directionless is Detroit

Dear [not-your-real-name]:

You might try [her first name]. Really that’s the way people address one another nowadays. If this is someone you don’t know all that well, try “ma’am.” If it’s someone really important, you’re best off getting buddy-buddy with someone on her staff whom you can address by first name, since that’s the only way you’ll get access to her. Take it from a former grant writer.

I think I have the correct answer here, somewhere.

My boyfriend has a nasty habit of picking his nose. He thinks he hides it or does it subtly, but everyone knows he’s doing it. How can I gently inform him that we simply don’t DO that?

Annoyed in Anaheim

Dear Annoyed:

What do you mean, we don’t DO that? I DO that all the time, and you probably DO it, too, only you’re too ashamed to admit it. EVERYONE picks his or her nose, and anyone who denies it is either a liar has no short-term memory. The challenge at hand, so to speak, is how to minimize egregious nose-picking, which I agree is far too rampant.

You might surreptitiously dip his fingers in something unpleasant to inhale, every four minutes or so. Keep it up for a few weeks and he’ll be broken of the habit. Alternatively, you can punch him hard in the nose when he so offends. Hey, if he can’t deal with it, are you sure you want a boyfriend with such hypersensitivity?

Dear Thag:

Does communication by e-mail, text message and the like have to follow the same formal structure and rules as “classic” letters? 

Needing Guidance in Mexico City

Dear Mexico:

The short answer is “yes.”

The long answer is “yes, GODDAMN IT.” People’s writing is atrocious enough when it appears properly formatted; neglecting those rules as well can only bring the apocalypse.

You might object that no one has time for such niceties, or cares. You might then be an idiot, or someone in denial. Let’s just see how your potential employers react when u send thm msgs w/o regard 4 rulz of grammar or spelling. We’ll see if you get beyond burger flipper.

Dear Thag:

I can never remember which fork to use with which course, or where to put my napkin when, or what the protocol is for taking drinks – do I have to wipe my mouth before each sip? After? Which is the wine glass and which water? Please help!

Bewildered

Oh, excuse me! I didn't know I was supposed to act as pretentious as you!

Dear Bewildered:

Hell, I can’t keep track of that stuff, and the odds are no one else can, either. Use the fork you can reach most easily. Use whichever glass is closer. Wipe your mouth when it feels like it needs it. The rest is just an excuse for know-it-alls and show-offs to belittle you for no justifiable reason.

If that happens, play along. Should your host chide you for your supposed ignorance about which glass serves what purpose, zing them right back by questioning why they have only the number of glasses that they do – wouldn’t a proper setting include at least five more? Or are they too cheap, or -gasp! – poor to afford something more respectable? If the offender happens to be a fellow guest, not the host, offer your most cloying, abject, patently insincere apologies for occupying the same room as someone so sophisticated. Fall all over yourself apologizing, and in the process, fall all over them, spilling as many fancy glasses of wine into their lap as you can.

Written by Thag

October 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Classic Thag: August 2010

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I think the codons actually spell out "chocolate."

Originally posted August 30, 2010:

You’ve been living in this house for a number of years, lady and gentlemen. Your mother is quite intelligent, so I thought perhaps you had inherited that trait from her, along with your existential love for chocolate. Alas, I see now that unlike most physical dispositions, comprehension of certain social and household norms is not encoded in nucleic acid sequences.

I regret that it has become necessary to compile this list, a list of rules I thought so self-evident. Oh well. Let’s hope you can extrapolate from this list to other situations. Notice I am not holding my breath.

1. When your diaper is being changed, keep your hands away from the poop. Really now; how hard is this concept to grasp? I’m here to clean you up, not to spread the yuck elsewhere. You’ll notice from the infinite number of previous diaper-changing occasions that not once did I use a bare hand, so I have no idea where you got that idea from.

2. Gravity is a constant. There is no need to test it repeatedly with the same or different objects. It is the same today as it was yesterday, the day before, and the first time you discovered that things fall when released. I, too, appreciate watching something fall a great distance and smashing with flair many stories below, but in this house there shall be no dropping of toys or books, let alone watermelons, one, two or even three floors down the central stairwell. Though we admit watermelons would be über cool from that height.

Shirt or napkin?

3. Shirts ≠ napkins.

4. The tush is soft for a good reason: you’re supposed to sit in your chair until you finish eating.

5. A finger to the lips means to stop talking at once, not to slightly lower the volume of your talking. It is now officially your turn to get the baby back to sleep, thank you very much.

6. Water stays in the bathtub or shower. Do not act so surprised that water ends up on the bathroom floor when you use the shower nozzle as a toy.

7. If you need help wiping, or pulling your clothes back up after using the toilet, calling your mother or me to help will suffice. Hobbling through the house with your pants around your ankles actually makes it harder.

8. Boogers go in tissues, not on walls. Not on furniture. Not on clothes. Not, heaven help us, on hand towels.

9. Missing the toilet happens sometimes, even to females, especially those still training. Cleaning up, however, does not consist of placing some toilet paper over the urine and forgetting about it.

10. “Helping” does not mean “doing what I want and hoping it will be useful.” “Helping” means “doing what I ask you to do.”

11. When you have friends over, propriety calls for you to play with them, not complain that they smell. As if you’re one to talk.

12. When your sibling has a friend over, you do not have an inalienable right to join the fun. The same goes for when grandma comes over and takes your sibling to the park: that is not a good time to take your bicycle to the park, considering that you’ve barely touched your bicycle all summer, and all of a sudden you want to ride it to where they happen to be going.

13. Spilling something means immediately trying to clean it up, not watching the liquid make its way toward and over the edge of the table.

Your basketball game *stinks*.

14. The hamper’s position at the opposite end of the room from your bed is not an invitation to shoot hoops with your dirty laundry. Make a pile on your bed of the clothes you’ve removed, then carry them to the hamper once you’ve donned your pajamas. The rule is quite broad: inside the house there is no throwing of anything. Ever. No, not even that.

15. Just because you can’t see us, never assume we cannot see you. And even if we can’t we still know what you’re doing. We’ve been your age. Any shenanigans you’ve attempted, so have we. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on your folks, and although you do get up ridiculously and obscenely early except on school days, that won’t do it. Just behave, dammit.

I do hope this forestalls any more unpleasantness. And yes, I know you’re mocking me over there. That’s fine; I’m the one who controls who gets dessert.

Written by Thag

October 27, 2011 at 9:15 am

I’ll Have the Soup. Hold the Bowl.

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Food Item

How Item Must Be Prepared According To:

 

Ten-year-old

Seven-year-old

Four-year-old

Two-year-old

Peanut butter sandwich

Without considering cleaning up afterwards

Without asking

Without crust

Without bread

Chicken

Wings, or else

With potatoes, or else

Skin, and nothing else

Whatever’s on Dad’s plate, or else

Pizza

“No mushrooms? Why NOT?!”

“Eww! A mushroom touched my pizza!”

Only if it’s not what’s for dinner

Whatever; I’m just going to eat the cheese directly off the slice with my face

Corn flakes

If I don’t get a china bowl, it means I’m not actually ten years old

Corn flakes and milk must reach the top of the bowl, regardless of its – or my – capacity

Before the seven-year-old gets any

You might as well just pour the milk directly on the table, since that’s where most of it will end up

Pancakes

With too much maple syrup

With too much maple syrup

With too much maple syrup

With whatever stuff you bigger people are all clamoring for

Hot dogs

Barbecued, or you don’t love me

No bun, please – it just slows me down; may I have a seventh frank now?

On a wooden skewer, so I can stab myself repeatedly in the gums and not desist

In a bun, please, so I have something additional to rip up and throw

Soup

With as much bread as possible. No, I won’t need my spoon, and no, I won’t have room for the main course

Just let it sit around and get cold – I’m too busy playing and bothering the dinner guests

Just soup. No vegetables. No bits of anything other than liquid. Hey! That’s a piece of onion! Take it back! Take it back!

It splashes farther if I hit the bowl with my spoon and the one I just took from Mom’s place setting

Chocolate chip cookies

Such that it can be eaten one tiny bite at a time, for finishing first is a sin

Crumbled; eat only the chips

Crumbled; eat only the cookie

Crumbled; don’t eat

Pasta

With cheese sauce – no, wait, with grated cheddar – no, uh, I meant with melted mozzarella

With tomato sauce and cheese.

Hey! What’s this?! I didn’t want sauce!

Whatever. I’m not gonna eat it anyway.

Will only eat it if it’s spaghetti, but you can call anything you want spaghetti, because I haven’t a clue

Eggs

Omelet, but only made by tiny spoonfuls fried one by one

Sunny side up, but only if the ten-year-old prepares it

Omelet, but only if it’s cut into slices like a pizza

Omelet, but only if I don’t have to eat it

Fish

Only if it’s salmon

Only if it’s not fish

Only if there’s something else to eat

Only if I can eat it with my hands

Apples

Use Dad’s peeler-slicer-corer gadget

Red. Sliced thin. By me. Using the sharpest knife. Yeah, that BIG one!

Red. Sliced. Or cut into chunks, whichever is more inconvenient

The exact one the seven-year-old is having

Meatballs

Only the fancy cocktail kind that are a pain to make

Don’t like meatballs.

Hmm. Wait. I think I do.

See above, re: pasta; might as well serve them together

Just make hash, because that’s how the meatballs will end up anyway, and won’t get eaten

Written by Thag

October 26, 2011 at 8:59 am

7 Myths about the Arab-Israeli Conflict that You Never Even Knew

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1. Myth: Other countries’ support for Arab positions vis-à-vis Israel results from their dependence on Arab states’ considerable reserves of dead-dinosaur-derived petroleum.

Fact: Dinosaurs account for little, if any, of the oil deposits in the world. Petroleum comes primarily from the pressurized remains of fossilized zooplankton and algae.

2. Myth: The land of Palestine had always been Arab until the Zionists came.

Fact: The land of Palestine formed hundreds of millions of years before humans, even Arabs, populated any place on Earth.

Hebrew actually reads right-to-left, not top-to-bottom. But you knew that.

3. Myth: Until the 1990’s, only Coca-Cola was available in Israel, because the Arabs boycotted any company that did business in Israel; Pepsi exported to the Arab states.

Fact: Coca-Cola and Pepsi are not the only manufacturers of soft drinks in the world. Coca-Cola was thus not the only manufacturer of crappy soft drinks supplying the Israeli market – they had any number of crappy homegrown soft drinks. If you come to Israel you might still see those drinks on the shelves of various stores – meaning the very drinks manufactured way back when, since no one in their right mind would actually try the stuff except perhaps recent Russian immigrants, of whom there weren’t very many until around the time that secondary boycott ended anyway.


4. Myth:
The European Jews who settled and eventually established Israel did not descend from ancient inhabitants of the land.

Fact: The earliest example of an anatomically modern human, according to anthropological data, is actually a specimen from what is now Israel. It would thus appear that all of humanity began in Israel.

No, no sabra-flavored icing, sorry.

5. Myth: Israeli agricultural tenacity has made the dessert bloom.

Fact: ‘Desert’ has only one ‘s’. An easy way to remember the difference between ‘desert’ and ‘dessert’ is that you always want more dessert, and ‘ess’ in German means ‘eat’.

Israel rocks. At least that’s what the photo source said this was.

6. Myth: Israel’s burgeoning technology sector has made it the Silicon Valley of the Middle East.

Fact: While much of Israel’s land  is composed of silicon – a major component of most sand and rocks – little of the country’s technology industry operates in a valley. Most of the valleys in Israel are inland, whereas most or all of the population and industry lie in cities on or near the Mediterranean coast.

Ottoman Rule

7. Myth: Ottoman rule ended when the British conquered Palestine from the Turks toward the end of the First World War.

Fact: The Ottoman Rule is that no one may sit on the ottoman when Dad is reading or watching TV unless he explicitly gives permission. That rule has never been, and never will be, revoked, no matter how many times the British or anyone else barges through the place.

‘Occupy the Kitchen’ Protesters Make Specific Demands

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Inspired by the Occupy demonstrations taking place around the country, the children of Thag and Miggtha have staged a sit-in in the kitchen to protest what they say is unjust allocation of family resources.

The children demand a return to earlier, simpler times, when they always got what they wanted.

The children set up their encampment Friday afternoon and have remained there ever since, holding placards, chanting slogans and making speeches denouncing the concentration of power and control of junk food distribution in the hands of the parents. Other grievances include disparities in bedtime between children and parents as well as parental insistence on homework and chore completion as a condition for play dates and other leisure activities, while the parents themselves are hindered by no such restrictions.

“We know who’s got all the power – they’re the ones who make us shower!” was the slogan of choice Saturday morning. Ralph, the ten-year-old eldest child, explained in an interview: “Sometimes I just don’t wanna shower. It’s late, I’m tired, and [two-year-old] Jon pulled out all the dental floss into a big mess, so it takes me a long time to get a good piece to use. I’m tired and I want to sleep already.”

Thag and Miggtha have so far dismissed the protests as the activities of an ill-informed, misguided junior set. “Isn’t it cute how they actually set up a tent by themselves? They even made their own signs,” observed Miggtha, not visibly troubled by the developments.

A spokesman for Thag, who was unavailable – Miggtha guessed he was ensconced in his office working on yet another blog entry – declined to comment on recent events, referring reporters to an earlier statement that read, in part, “You may go back to your tent game when your homework is done.”

[Seven-year-old] Ernie held up that statement as an example of the very obtuseness that the children find so aggravating. “Are we going to let our parents ignore us?” he exhorted the assembled offspring. “If you treat me like a child, I’ll just keep on acting wild!”

Experts are divided on whether the Occupy the Kitchen protests have enough steam to carry them into the school week. The protests have so far remained peaceful, if voluble, and the authorities have not registered any complaints of disturbances or obstructions that would cause disruptions of the everyday routine in the area.

Written by Thag

October 24, 2011 at 10:18 am

The Idiot’s Guide to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

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Term

Definition

Peace The other side gives up and lays down its arms
Occupation A convenient focus for riveting attention away from the society’s other, more fundamental problems
Terrorism Any violent act perpetrated by the other side
Gross violation of existing agreements A violation committed by the other side
United Nations Gripping comic/tragic theater
Evenhanded broker A broker that more blatantly favors us
Martyr Any one of us killed in any encounter with any one of them, no matter the circumstances
Confidence-building measures A band-aid for a hemorrhage
Peace with security For our side, that is
Quartet Four too many cooks
War criminal A member of the other side’s political or military leadership
Torture Incarceration of any sort by the other side
Genocide What the other side wants to do to us
Jimmy Carter A toothsome idiot
Obstacle to peace The existence of the other side
UN Security Council Resolution No. ____ The most convenient justification for our actions
Unilateral Anything done without our side’s endorsement, no matter how many other countries are involved
Settlers The only truly representative Zionists

Written by Thag

October 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Advocates Rally in Support of Marriage for Stupid People

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NEW YORK (AP) – A coalition of advocates for the rights of stupid Americans gathered in Lower Manhattan this afternoon to demand equal rights. Police estimated attendance at 8,000.

A rally in support of stupid marriage attracted about 8,000 protesters, some of whom didn't realize where they were.

 

In the midst of a nationwide trend of states legalizing marriage for stupid people, New York State has become the latest battleground. Opponents of the upcoming ballot measure have brought increasing political pressure to bear on representatives in Albany, threatening to withdraw future campaign support of incumbents who vote to legalize stupid marriage.

Scott Dorker, President of New Jersey-based DOOFUS (Dumb Organization Of Friggin’ Useless Schmucks), addressed the assembled crowd of supporters, vowing to continue fighting “until every last stupid person in America can enjoy the civil rights and privileges that have been, for far too long, available only to, uh, those, uh, the smarts.”

Nearby, a smaller demonstration of opponents called for the stupid to stop imposing their lifestyle on the American public scene. “Intelligence is a personal choice,” explained Percy Donnelly, a stupid-rights opponent from Boston. “Anyone can decide on their orientation toward knowledge. Myriad organizations exist dedicated to the transformation of stupid people into productive, intelligent, happy Americans,” he continued, referring to public and private school systems as well as post-secondary and graduate programs that millions of Americans attend annually.

The internet has demonstrated the pervasiveness of stupidity, according to Miranda McDope, CLOD spokesperson.

Many experts have cast doubt on the efficacy of such programs, citing government statistics. “Despite more than a hundred years of compulsory public education in this country, tens of millions of Americans remain hopelessly stupid,” said Miranda McDope, a spokesperson for CLOD, the Committee to Legalize Our Dumbness, in a recent interview. As evidence, she pointed to the popularity of Reality Television, supermarket tabloids, Barbie dolls, entire web sites dedicated to LOLcats, and to such phenomena as people buying apparel specifically because it prominently features the name of an athletic equipment manufacturer, an act that basically involves paying that company for the privilege of advertising for it. McDope called for government programs to alleviate or eliminate the social stigma attached to being stupid.

Speakers at the rally in support of stupid rights cited numerous examples of openly stupid historical figures who achieved great professional or personal success, chief among them former President George W. Bush. “Mr. Bush is Exhibit A in the case for continued pursuit of our goal,” exhorted Rodney Mouthful, a prominent activist from Mahwah, New Jersey. “Despite a stupid-American holding the nation’s highest elected office for eight years, we still suffer rampant discrimination and extreme difficulty navigating the Florida election ballot.”

Opponents of the movement have remained steadfast in their positions, however. Attendees at the counter-demonstration held placards touting the definition of marriage as “one intelligent man and one intelligent woman” and called that definition sacrosanct. “Any attempt to redefine marriage to include stupid people constitutes an affront to God,” said Pastor Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist known for his blunt rhetoric. “Such an attempt essentially says the stupid should have the right to reproduce, and look where that’s gotten us so far,” he continued, holding up a large photograph of the British royal family. “What will I tell my children?”

A CBS News survey found last week that only about five percent of the population could respond properly to the survey. The poll had a margin of error of plus or minus some number or other.

Written by Thag

October 22, 2011 at 9:15 pm

How Well Do You Know Your Guy? Do You Really *Want* to Know?

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  1. Which of the following constitutes grounds for breakup or divorce?

(a) Scheduling a date or event to take place at the same time as a playoff game.
(b) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the pregame show and the end of the postgame show for a playoff game.
(c) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the football preseason and the end of the weeklong post-Super-Bowl analysis.
(d) Attempting to conduct a conversation about subjects other than football.

2. Which of the following phrases must never, ever be uttered to a guy?

(a)    I think of you as a friend.
(b)   Don’t you just hate thin women?
(c)    I didn’t get any beer; I didn’t think it was important.
(d)   Oh, please – you know all those teams are basically the same.

3. Tears are justified:

(a)    In reaction to the death of a dear relative or friend.
(b)   When you laugh so hard you cry.
(c)    On stage.
(d)   When the Chicago Cubs finally win another World Series.

4. Catcalls and explicit comments directed at passing women:

(a)    Are just features of a guy’s natural exuberance around attractive members of the fairer sex.
(b)   Can only be understood by any reasonable person as healthy flattery.
(c)    Bespeak unbridled, irresistible manliness.
(d)   Should really meet with better results than experience bears out; clearly, there’s something wrong with the women involved.

5. Pornography:

(a)    Gives women a good idea what to strive for in a relationship.
(b)   Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the presence of one’s significant other.
(c)    Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the existence of one’s significant other.
(d)   Oh, come on, that‘s not pornography – it’s art. And besides, I get that for the articles.

6. Medical treatment is required:

(a)    For injuries obviously requiring stitches.
(b)   For conditions involving the vomiting of actual internal organs.
(c)    In cases of multiple severed limbs or bones protruding from the skin.
(d)   Oh, please – it’s just a flesh wound.

7. Who has the right of way?

(a)    The biggest, baddest vehicle.
(b)   The driver with the best rack.
(c)    I meant gun rack on top of the pickup truck.
(d)   Really, I did! Ask Joe! Isn’t that what I clearly meant, Joe? See? Even Joe understood that!

8. Which of the following chores is properly assigned to a guy?

(a)    Shoveling snow from the front walk, followed by four days’ worth of making excuses for doing nothing else around the house, because, man, that shoveling really wasn’t so good for his back, you know?
(b)   Taking pride in extracting the most repulsive, slimy hairball from the drain and insisting on giving everyone a close-up view of the, uh, trophy.
(c)    Taking out the trash with great fanfare every three or four weeks.
(d)   Disciplining recalcitrant appliances into proper working order with well-placed kicks.

9. Clean laundry:

(a)    Magically appears in the dresser and closet.
(b)   Is far too complicated – why can’t we just toss those pantyhose in the washer and dryer?
(c)    Doesn’t get done fast enough around here. Just sayin’.
(d)   Cannot possibly involve an honest expectation of a guy’s participation, considering the need to actually consult the care instructions on the garment label.

10. What is the proper way to give driving directions to a guy who pulls over to request them?

(a)    Calmly and politely, without betraying a sense of the impending apocalypse that this has actually happened.
(b)   To the woman in the passenger seat, because, really, she’s the one who demanded they stop and ask; he knows exactly how to get there.
(c)    Slowly and carefully, trying not to be too obvious about looking for the hidden video camera that must be documenting this flagrant practical joke setup.
(d)   In whatever language they speak on the alien world you inhabit.

Written by Thag

October 20, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Good Thing Jack B. Nimble Has Insurance, Too

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Ten little monkeys, jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

 Nine little monkeys, jumping on the bed…

Dear Mrs. Jorgensen:

As required under the terms of your coverage, Dr. Pollock’s veterinary practice has duly informed us of a series of recent office visits by several patients covered under your policy.

Please be advised that currently the veterinary care policy does not cover treatment for incidents involving furniture and/or acrobatics thereupon by monkeys. Section 6, Paragraph 4 clearly makes this point. We are therefore forced to withhold coverage for the visits in question (July 6-August 19).

To avoid such unnecessary medical visits, we recommend restricting your monkeys to areas of the house where medical incidents of this nature will less likely occur.

Alternatively, we can suggest an upgrade to our Premium policy, which does cover monkeys jumping on beds. The other advantages of Premium include:

–          Homeowner’s or renter’s insurance for unusual abodes such as shoes, especially those inhabited by large numbers of offspring;
–          Replacement bottles of fermented hops beverages in quantities beginning at 100 and gradually diminishing as a result of gravity;
–          Replacement in case of disappearance or theft of cookies from their countertop storage receptacles, in cases where the identity of the accused keeps shifting as the bus ride continues;
–          Technical support for wheels on buses to ensure they go round and round; for windows that go open and shut; passengers that go up and down; babies that go ‘wah-wah-wah’; mommies that go ‘sh-sh-sh’; wipers that go swish-swish-swish; and drivers that go ‘move on back’ all through the town (out-of-town coverage available for an additional fee).

Thank you for choosing Goose Insurance. For further questions, or to upgrade to Premium, please do not hesitate to contact us at 1-888-MOTHER-G.

Sincerely,

Henn Pecht
Agent

Written by Thag

October 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Letter G Goes Missin at Scrabble Tournament

with 2 comments

One of the finest examples of a serious journalist having a good time doing his job. Read carefully:

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2011/10/18/world/europe/AP-EU-Poland-Missing-Scrabble-Letter.html?ref=world

 

Written by Thag

October 18, 2011 at 6:37 pm

We Have a Special Today on Snarky Comments – Aisle Two

with 2 comments

  1. Will the person who left a ticking package at the customer service desk please claim it? Thank you.
  2. Your attention please, shoppers: please avoid aisle six while we address the wormhole in the space-time continuum. Cleanup to aisle six, please. Your attention please, shoppers: please avoid aisle six while we address the wormhole in the space-time continuum. Cleanup to aisle six please. Your attention please…
  3. Hostage negotiation staff to aisle ten, hostage negotiation staff to aisle ten.
  4. Smart shoppers, have we got news for you: it’s best to check the eggs BEFORE you pay for them.
  5. Will the customer who left a screaming child at the butcher counter please retrieve him? The noise is disrupting the- oh, never mind. That IS the butcher.
  6. Dear shoppers, please confine the food fights to aisles four and five only. There are no food fights in the paper goods aisle.
  7. Your attention please, shoppers: the sign at the express checkout lane should read Ten Items or Fewer, not Ten Items or Less. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.
  8. Security to checkout lane eight, security to checkout lane eight – we have a customer threatening the cashier with a smelly toddler.
  9. Attention, shoppers – today is Tuesday, when we do everything in twos! Attention, shoppers – today is Tuesday, when we do everything in twos! This won’t save you anything. This won’t save you anything. We just like the gimmick. We just like the gimmick. I’m Henry the eighth, I am…
  10. Don’t forget to pick up a copy of our circular, with specials on dozens of items we’ve discounted just for the people shrewd enough to listen to this announcement!
  11. George, George, please come to aisle seven. Wait, do we have a George here? Did we ever? How about a Cliff?
  12. Your attention please, everyone: anyone caught “saving” a space in line with their cart as they meander about the place getting more items will be forced to man the customer service desk for the next week, handling only the clueless, obnoxious customers. Such as yourself.

I Do Not Think It Means what You Think It Means, Dad

with 6 comments

Term

Standard (Adult) Definition

Child Definition

Bedtime

Time to be in pajamas, with teeth brushed, lights out and sleep imminent

Time to keep finding excuses to turn light back on, bother one another, get out of bed again and again and again until a parent blows a gasket

Be quiet

Make no more noise until further notice

Stay silent for approximately 0.68 seconds, whereupon interrupted noisemaking activity resumes

It’s time to go

Departure is NOW

It’s time to realize I can’t find my socks, shoes or some other essential item

No

No

Not until sufficient whining and other pressure is brought to bear

Vacation

A chance to sleep in

Get up even earlier than one should during non-vacation

Get dressed

Don clothes in timely manner

Lie around until there’s barely enough time to throw a few things on, let alone find the specific items that Must Be Worn Today Or The World Will End

Come here

Move from where you are to where I am, right now

Pretend you didn’t hear me the first two times, then act all innocent and bewildered when finally responding to the third, impatient call, as if the stern tone defies comprehension

Too much

More than you can finish in a sitting, or more than can be safely contained in the relevant vessel

Huh?

Food

Comestibles with at least some nutritional value, possibly even some protein

Starch, chocolate and/or greasy yumminess

Homework

Assignments given at school, to be completed at home the same day

Something about more work, outside the classroom? Couldn’t be important

Pet

Animal in the care of all or specific members of the household

Specifically, Mom and Dad, because no one else can be bothered anymore after the initial excitement and professed commitment lasted about four hours

Fault

A detail of marginal importance in righting a wrong situation

The end-all and be-all of every single interaction in the universe

In a minute

Approximately 60 seconds after the time this is uttered

I hope you forget you told me to do something by the time 60 seconds pass

Stop that

Cease your current activity and replace it with something acceptable

Pause in your current activity for just long enough to confirm that you heard the statement, then continue as before

Share

Divide use of a resource equitably

Assert as much dominance in use of resource as possible

Flush the toilet

I cannot believe I have to define this for you

See Too much, above

Wash your hands

You can’t be serious

See above

Written by Thag

October 17, 2011 at 9:04 pm

40 Free Additional Decibels for the First 10,000 to Complain about Noise!

with 2 comments

You Are Cordially Invited

To an Outdoor Gala Concert Event

In Honor of the Run-of-the-Mill City Resident

Who Did Not Desire, Let Alone Request

this Imposition on His Precious Time, Space and Quiet.

To Take Place on Sunday, 16 October, from 6 PM to 12 AM – Bedtime for the Children – in the Public Park Abutting a Central Residential Neighborhood.

Honored Guest Performers to Include D-List Celebrities with a Vague Ethnic Connection to the Community the City Seeks to Salute, and whose Agents Have Relatives or Old Friends in the Municipal Bureaucracy.

 Paid Parking Available in Municipal Lots Adjacent the Park, or on the Streets Normally Reserved for Residents Only, but for Purposes of this Event, Municipal Parking Inspectors Will Turn a Blind Eye to Violators of this City Ordinance, with the Bizarre Rationalization that the Anticipated Boost in Tourism Somehow Justifies the Added Hassle for the Resident Forced to Haul Sleeping Children Two Blocks from the Car to Their Home, and whose Taxes Are Funding this Whole Enterprise.

Special Setup and Sound Check Noise Pollution Available for up to Ten Hours Preceding the Concert.

For More Information, Call Our Events Hotline at 1-800-EAT-SH*T

Written by Thag

October 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Posthaste: adv; How I Got this Blog Update Done

with one comment

Term

Definition

Toilet Paper Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, daily edition
Surprise Party Dark horse electoral victors, viz: Democrats
Balzac Scrotum
Underwriter The guy whose job it is to put in all the footnotes
Anger Management My boss’s leadership method
Pass Interference Colon obstruction
Corporal Punishment …and his fellow soldiers Private Parts, Major Payne, Colonel of Truth, General Malaise…
Phone Company Party line
Fishing Pole Stanislaw Kaczynski in his funny hat and box of tackle
Triple Play Shakespeare’s Henry IV-VI
Key Largo Musical direction by complete ignoramus
Statutory Rape http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by5i2NI6lvI
Quarter Horse Centaur genealogical boast
Hurricane Irene Your little sister
Runaround Sue Insurance fraud scheme
Auto Asphyxiation The mechanic said the choke is faulty
Belgian Waffle “Ja…uh…nay – nay, ja!…uh…ja?”
Wind Farm Baked bean manufacturing facility
Presidential Runoff Election campaign waste stream
Slugfest Our patio in autumn
Star Trek A trip down Hollywood’s Walk of Fame
Star Wars Supermarket tabloid mainstay
Aspic Constipation treatment
Side Dish Arm candy
Spoiler Alert Every grandparent should carry a warning about this
News Briefs When getting updates to your handheld device is too obvious

Written by Thag

October 15, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Are You Sure Immodium Isn’t an Element?

with 2 comments

Observations from my current bout with an unhappy metabolism:

1. Vertigo could actually be fun if it didn’t feel so goddamn awful.

2. What a difference bidet makes.

3. “I gambled and lost” is probably the best way to describe a certain unfortunate post-digestive phenomenon.

4. It’s just plain not fair when one is completely prostrate, flexing not a muscle, yet one feels too much potential energy.

5. Feeling absolutely horrible is not the best time to discover your kids have done something really, really bad.

6. When one gets a sudden burst of energy, one should use it to perform basic functions such as eating, or perhaps showering. Not blogging. Idiot.

Written by Thag

October 10, 2011 at 10:41 am

Helpful Advice to Aspiring Pedophiles

with 4 comments

You’ll have to forgive the somewhat violent, inappropriate, rude, over-the-top, extreme, raging, angry, out-of-control fury that you might detect in this post, if you’re attuned to that sort of thing. It’s subtle, but I feel moved to warn you, because, hey, I’m a sensitive guy.

I just returned from an informational meeting about a ring of pedophiles operating in our neighborhood (I’ve written about this once before). It was surprisingly calm, but then few, if any, of the parents present have children who were victimized directly. Plenty of useful, important points came to light, but that’s not what I’m here to recap. I’m here to offer advice of a different sort: advice to pedophiles themselves. If you happen to be one, I hereby offer you a number of concrete, useful activities, with step-by-step instructions, to help you achieve the best results.

I. Careful Use of Writing Implements
Necessary equipment: 1 number 2 pencil, sharpened (a wood pencil, not a mechanical one);  1 hammer

1. Place point of pencil in your navel. Maintain its position with your weaker hand.
2. With your stronger hand, grasp the hammer and bang the back end of the pencil repeatedly until the back end disappears into your abdomen.
*Tip: For even better results, soak the pencil in drain cleaner before use.

II. Being Constructive
Necessary equipment: 1 electric drill

1. Select the drill bit of choice and secure in the drill head; plug in drill.
2. Place drill bit point on kneecap and drill until bit emerges from back of leg.
3. Repeat with other kneecap.

III. Bungee Jump
Necessary equipment: 1 bungee cord, medium length

1. Find a highway overpass under which large trucks regularly pass.
2. Select a spot directly over the lane featuring the highest number of trucks.
3. Secure one end of the cord to a strong anchor atop the overpass, such as a lamp post.
4. Secure the other end to your feet.
5. Carefully time your leap so that you swing directly into the front radiator of a truck traveling at least fifty (50) miles per hour. If performed correctly, this maneuver should result in your being thrown back over the top of the overpass.

IV.  Flat-Out
Necessary equipment:  1 steam roller

1. Activate roller.
2. Lie down directly in roller’s path.

V. Swirly
Necessary equipment: 1 toilet bowl with seat

1. Place seat in upright, open position.
2. Place neck on rim of bowl.
3. Grasp seat securely with stronger hand.
4. Slam seat down repeatedly until consciousness is lost.

VI. Warrior Stripes
Necessary equipment: 1 bathtub; 60 gallons lemon juice; 1 thornbush

1. Fill bathtub with lemon juice.
2. Remove clothing.
3. Run through thorn bush and back at least six times.
4. Dive into full tub; roll around

There; don’t you feel better? I certainly do.

Written by Thag

October 6, 2011 at 10:47 pm

The Media: Just the Plural for Medium – as in Fortune Teller

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Headlines as Appearing in:

The New York Times

The New York Post

Your High School Newspaper

The National Enquirer

Cuomo’s First Nine Months in Office a Modest Success

Guv Giving It All

Andrew Cuomo Elected Governor of NY (the State)

Cuomo Family Avoids Staying at Haunted Executive Mansion

Osama Bin Laden Killed in Commando Raid

We Got Him!

Who Is Osama Bin Laden?

Navy SEAL Team Six Kills Two-Headed Elvis Clone at Bin Laden Compound

Obama Presses Israel on Settlements

Prez to Bibi: Stop It

Debating Team Debates Israel vs. Palestine

Obama Proves He’s a Muslim

Yankees Clinch Division; Red Sox Eliminated

Yanks Top Sux -Again

Cougars Beat Westville High

Ghost of Babe Ruth Runs Amok in Fenway Clubhouse

Irene Damage Estimated at $4 Billion

Hizzoner: Send Irene Bill to Feds

Mrs. Miller Remembers 1985 Hurricane Gloria

NASA Steered Hurricane to NYC

Stock Market Drops 8%

Stocks Tumble, Execs Grumble

Teachers in Foul Mood Over Something or Other Regarding “Pensions”

Invisible Hand Seen over NY Stock Exchange Floor

Gunman Kills 10 in Memphis Campus Shooting Spree

Redneck Rampage: 10 Dead

Student Suspended for Bringing Fake Gun to School

Giant Anaconda Devours Children on Way to School

Idaho Ex-Governor Convicted of Embezzlement, Breach of Trust

Book Thrown at Boise Bookie

Betting Pool Arises over Anticipated Firing Date of Chemistry Teacher

Possessed Jury Calls for Capital Punishment in Civil Lawsuits

Pollution Depresses Economy Dependent on River Fish

PCBs Pound Palookaville

A Reminder to Wash Hands after Using the Bathroom

Godzilla’s Return Imminent, Say Government Scientists

US Strips Former Death Camp Guard of Citizenship

Ex-Nazi Extradition

Mr. Parker Lectures on Prejudice

Auschwitz Guard Reincarnated as Lamp Post

Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple, Dead at 56

Jobs, Well, Done

A Portrait of an American Entrepreneur by Jamie Howard (9th grade)

Will of Steve Jobs Found Scrawled in Blood on Skin of Missing IBM Exec

2 Americans Awarded Nobel Prize for Economics

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Senior Awards Ceremony Canceled

Economists Predict Third, Fourth and Fifth Great Depressions before 2015

Heat Trade James Back to Cleveland

LeBron Comes Crying Home

Coach’s Arrest Delays Varsity Tryouts

‘I Learned Basketball from Himmler,’ Says Drunk LeBron

NASA Announces Discovery of New Earth-Like Planet

Life Out There?

Pluto No Longer a Planet

Life Out There!

The Grueling Schedule of the Tobacco Executive

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Time

Event

7:00 AM

Wake to the sound of a live string quartet serenading me with Mozart; find breakfast tray and newspaper waiting at bedside; note, with satisfaction, steady rise in company’s stock price; summon team to shave and otherwise administer morning hygiene.

7:45 AM

Send away member of harem after receiving daily “greeting”; select from vast wardrobe of dark blue double-breasted suits.

7:52 AM

Consult with fashion consultant on positioning of tie; reprimand valet for neglecting to keep every pair of shoes properly aligned.

7: 53 AM

Martini

8:00 AM

Begin limousine ride to corporate offices; conduct stiffly polite phone conversation with wife and daughter on Paris shopping trip, or perhaps yachting trip along the Riviera – I forget which.

8:32 AM

Wonder aloud to chauffeur what can be done about all those other people on the road, whose cars spew such awful smoke.

8:35 AM

Take elevator directly to top-floor office.

8:36 AM

Martini

8:45 AM

Greeting ritual from harem member.

8:46 AM

Practice with putter on custom indoor green.

9:30 AM

Martini

9:35 AM

Shareholder meeting. Agenda: vote on proposed sale of US Senator (R-NC) to auto industry lobby; presentation of new line of slim cigarettes for anorexics; results of focus group research on ad campaign to portray governmental regulation of free enterprise as slightly to the right of Hitler and slightly to the left of Stalin.

11:00 AM

Martini

11:07 AM

Observe focus group session – Can Dora the Explorer be made to seem even more appealing by having a cigarette in her mouth all the time?

11:40 AM

Martini

11:50 AM

Trip down the rabbit hole to meet Tobacco Institute scientists.

12:45 PM

Three-martini lunch with members of harem, assorted sycophants, lobster.

2:00 PM

Stock price update.

2:04 PM

Call to broker; accept lavishing of gratitude upon my being.

2:15 PM

Receive word from secretary that US Senator (R-VA) has arrived as scheduled; resume putter practice.

3:00 PM

Deign to see Senator; issue instructions.

3:06 PM

Martini

3:15 PM

Phone negotiations over impending purchase of major sports franchise; demur at rejection of stipulated name change to match that of my company.

3:40 PM

Martini; further harem greeting rituals.

4:00 PM

Dash off memo detailing tasks for underlings to achieve by the end of the work day or 10:00 PM, whichever is later, with emphasis on putting green maintenance.

4:03 PM

Private concert with promising young cellist/harem candidate

5:00 PM

Review sales figures; conclude that China is the best emerging market for products that cause cancer, emphysema, heart disease and birth defects.

5:35 PM

Board helicopter for brief visit to cultural institution to preside over some stupid cookie-cutter ceremony benefitting from my company’s largesse, yadda yadda yadda.

6:30 PM

Accompany select harem members to private suite at sporting event; remain long enough to be seen on national TV

7:15 PM

Restaurant dinner with broker, interior designer of home’s new South Asia wing, harem members on loan from other executives.

9:30 PM

Martini

9:38 PM

Stock price update.

9:40 PM

Martini

10:00 PM

Bedtime harem ritual.

10:06 PM

Blissful, morally pure slumber.

Hear, Lett Mi Aide Ewe Inn May-King Yore English Bettor

with 3 comments

Term

Meaning

Definately I certainly don’t know how to spell
Nucular Intelligence is not a requirement for holding the office with authority to use the nation’s atomic weapons
Per say I like peppering my talk with Latin phrases, but I have no idea what they look like in Latin itself
Irregardless No matter what you say, I don’t know English
I could care less I couldn’t identify a self-contradictory statement if it bit me on the butt; I put the “moron” in oxymoron – but that’s not important to me
It’s/You’re (as possessives) I’s not sure when to u’se apostrophe’s, so I stick’s them every’wher’e
Reach a crescendo If I understood musical terminology properly I’d be mortified at my abuse of it, but as it stands, I think I my rhetoric represents the peak of sophistication, as opposed to an accumulating pile of annoyance
Between you and I Just between we, me have no idea how ridiculous me sound when me try to get all proper and well spoken
Forte (“for-tay”) Pronunciation is not my strong point – I’m not a careful sortay of person
One years old My verbal skills are on par with those of a toddler
Like I said As I said, I don’t make distinctions between the real thing and something resembling the real thing; wanna play with my toy gun?
Preventative I can’t avoid putting extra syllables in my words
Loosers I heckle like a loser

Written by Thag

October 4, 2011 at 8:59 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , ,

Actually, You COULD Make This Stuff Up

with one comment

In the B Movie

In the Trashy Novel

In Your Life

Tuxedoed men and elegantly gowned women holding glasses of wine in a plush room; police detective enters. Crockett felt out of place in the vast hall of Hathaway Manor. The dazzling crystal chandeliers only emphasized his sense of displacement as every eye in the room turned toward him and then away again, dismissing the sight as yet another irrelevant intrusion. But the criminal was there. He’d made one crucial mistake. Arrive at work. Find coffee carafe already empty. Exchange insipid banter with receptionist. Curse life-sucking routine.
Our hero leaps into a convertible and takes off in pursuit of the villain. Hot on the Slade’s heels, Pruitt took the steps three at a time, ducking at each landing in anticipation of gunfire. But all he heard on his way down to the parking garage was the continued rush of footfalls three flights ahead. Pruitt kicked open the door to level B3 in time to see Slade’s black BMW disappear up the exit ramp and into the night. Drop your keys repeatedly on the way through the liquor store parking lot. Accidentally kick them into a storm drain.
Obligatory sex scene showing his rippling pectorals and much more of her. Sasha’s breath quickened as Dale ran his fingers down her neck, tracing the contours of her torso with his lips. A six-pack of Bud Light and the underwear models page of the 1988 Sears Christmas catalog.
Gripping, thrilling music to accompany a violent horseback chase. Despite her dainty looks, Vanessa’s equestrian skills were second to none. She guided her black mare at a gallop toward the bridge over Grissom Gulch, unaware that Anderson’s henchmen had burned it down the night before, and lay in wait in the surrounding woods. You stepped in horse manure at the parade again, didn’t you? Eww. Go clean your shoes before you come into the house.
Band of pirates converges in the forest on the young boy and girl who have absconded with the lost treasure. In the moonlight Alan could see the shadows of men massing in the clearing. He checked to see whether Clara still had the bundle strapped around her waist. To attempt escape now meant finding their way past a hundred armed thugs. To sit tight meant certain discovery and capture at daybreak. He stifled a shudder. The abridged version of Treasure Island quickly scanned before the quiz at school tomorrow.
Futuristic technology that enables instantaneous communication across impossibly vast stretches of space. When the engineer entered the code again, the soft hum of the neutrino antenna array told Koss it was ready to transmit. Easterbrook’s mission to Andromeda, and thus the fate of human civilization, hung in the balance. Koss thought again of Alicia and her ebony tresses. “Hello? Who is this? I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up. Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Hello?”

 

“%$#@! cell phone.”

Breathtaking scenes of wildlife in pristine habitats. Marshall’s crew battled fierce winds and icy waves as the Dreadnought plowed farther south in search of the lost elephant seal colony. “Trevor! Stop knocking on the glass of the snake exhibit or we’ll leave the zoo this instant!”
Characters with impossibly convincing disguises Clark’s knack for languages and culture allowed him to blend in seamlessly anywhere between Morocco and Osaka; and with the help of his connections in Hollywood –a holdover from his previous life as a stuntman – he could get his hands on almost any mask imaginable. On several occasions, in fact, he had impersonated heads of state in three African countries, fooling even the men’s personal bodyguards. Children’s trick-or-treat costumes are 3 for twenty bucks at Target.
Glamorized historical figures Lincoln took a long drag on his cigar before answering. He regarded the general curiously, as if considering whether to order the filet mignon or the duck l’orange. In fact the President intended to have both the next evening after a trip to Ford’s Theater, with perhaps a sip or two of champagne at the show itself. He knew what Mrs. Lincoln would have on under her gown, and that champagne worked like magic to turn her on. “You know, George Washington’s false teeth weren’t actually made of wood. You can look it up.”
Fascinating alien creatures, alternately terrifying and beautiful. The desert mongbat of Perseus II feasted almost exclusively on the flesh of errant astronauts, but not before tormenting them with hallucinations of the most exquisite erotic imagery. “Daddy! The goldfish died again!”

Written by Thag

October 3, 2011 at 2:41 pm

For Sale: Batteries (Batteries Not Included)

with 5 comments

What the TV Commercial Shows

What the Commercial Would Have You Believe

What Happens in the Real World

A whole family enjoying their fried chicken dinner, smacking their lips and smiling throughout Loudly eating one’s food somehow constitutes acceptable behavior at the table. “If you smack your lips one more time you will get no dessert. It’s been a long day. Just eat quietly or Mommy will get upset again.”
A car driving along a winding country road If you buy this car, you will experience the pleasure that can only be had by handling a precision-engineered roadster in welcoming scenery. If you buy this car, you will experience the same traffic and frustration as you do with your current model, only with less money remaining in your bank account.
A highly visible name-brand, well-groomed men and attractive women The mere presence of a particular beverage at your event, however humble, will make everyone associate you with attractiveness, and of course everyone will have a great time. You will spend slightly more money on the brand featured in the commercial, but not much else will change.
Teenage boys giving one another high-fives upon discovering a certain beverage in the refrigerator The parents who chose to purchase the beverage must be the coolest people on the face of the Earth. Your children will complain that you bought the “wrong” brand no matter what you do.
A daughter asking her mother about that “not-so-fresh” feeling Daughters routinely discuss their intimate habits and icky moments with their mothers. Daughters would dive into a swimming pool filled with razors and lemon juice before they would discuss intimate matters with Mom.
A celebrity recommending or enjoying the product By purchasing this product, you associate yourself with the greatness that the celebrity represents. By purchasing this product, you associate yourself with all the other suckers who think there’s some actual association between the celebrity and you.
People chatting freely on their mobile phones, blithely unconcerned with cost Join this cellular plan and enjoy meeting your telecommunication needs without the stress of a complicated or expensive payment plan. You forgot to read the fine print, and the advantages offered in the commercial don’t actually apply to you.
A veritable army of action figures, elaborately laid out, with several excited, happy children clearly having a great time using them These toys will keep your kids occupied for hours on end with good, clean, creative fun. Three words: Each Sold Separately.
Lithe, scantily clad models with faraway looks Buy this fragrance and transform all your human encounters into sexual adventures. The knock-off brands at CVS are just as good and a LOT cheaper. Plus, the checkout girl there is kinda cute.
A jumbo jet cruising gracefully along above the clouds, with the sun glinting appropriately off various parts of the fuselage Choosing this airline will get you to your destination quickly, reliably, affordably and comfortably. TSA agents are paid to make your life miserable, you coach-ticket-buying prole.
A smiling customer with an overloaded shopping cart, examining her receipt with a gratified look The low, low prices at this supermarket will transform the mundane act of buying groceries into retail Nirvana. The low, low prices at this supermarket are made possible by lousy service, crowded aisles, defective carts and the entire population of your region descending on the store exactly when you wish to make your purchases; then some jerk will nonchalantly amble into the “10 items or less” checkout lane with a cartful of stuff and play all innocent.
Tropical beaches; tanned, sexy people in swimsuits; palm trees This vacation destination has everything you want, and then some. Getting sand in your swimsuit, not to mention your unmentionable parts, is horrible. The humidity will encase your skin in a permanent layer of sweat. You will break the bank getting there and back, and when it’s all over you have to go back to work, if you even still have a job. Oh, and the airline lost your luggage.
Snappy lines from a new comedy now in theaters This film will have you rolling in the aisles with laughter. The lines in the commercial were the only remotely amusing ones in the whole movie.
Politician X looking important, accomplished and concerned for Americans Like You Politician X is the right choice if you want safer streets, better education for your children, a strong military, secure retirement, growing economy, sound foreign policy and restored national pride. Politician X is a low-life, womanizing, corrupt, venal Machiavellian with good hair.
Stylish people romping or relaxing in stylish clothes with other stylish people in stylish clothes These clothes will make you stylish, especially if other people can see the brand-name label on them. Nobody worth spending your time with will assign any importance to the label on your clothes.

Written by Thag

October 2, 2011 at 11:01 pm

How Did You Get that Finger So Far Up Your Nose?

with 3 comments

To the fellow picking his nose at his desk across the street:

Please, sir; I’m trying to work here. But every time I look up to check the clock over the window my eye is drawn toward the movement it spots through that window, specifically the movement of your finger as it twists and turns inside your left nostril.

I, too, enjoy a good nasal rooting on occasion, as it can clear the passages more effectively than plain old nose-blowing when the mucus is dry and crusty. But unlike you, sir, I engage in this maintenance work out of sight, in a place such as the office restroom, or perhaps behind a tissue. You, however, must place such value on your time that you cannot spare the extra few seconds it might take to perform this hygienic task anywhere other than in plain sight.

Or maybe you lost something priceless and delicate in your nose, and the unpredictable nature of forced expulsion into a tissue might damage whatever jewel you’ve got jammed up there. But don’t you think the pressure of your drilling index finger will similarly mangle the prize? What of the scratches your fingernail will impart to the valuable material? If it’s so important for you to extract that object digitally, I suggest a pair of tweezers, a mirror and a location that does not involve an audience.

From what I gather, this object you’ve been trying to extract since at least returning from lunch gives you trouble regularly. You embarked on a similar quest yesterday, though unfortunately I had to leave at 5:30 and remain ignorant of the outcome. Is today’s effort merely picking up where you left off, or are these discrete events (as opposed to discreet, which they certainly are not)? Do you have a particularly prolific proboscis, or perhaps a structural quirk that makes everyday production such a production? You might see a doctor about that.

I’m not a doctor, but I can suggest a couple of treatment courses. One involves saline drops in your nose; it works wonders for my kids when the weather’s dry. The other, though admittedly more drastic, provides a permanent solution: amputate your picking finger. That way, you won’t have to go looking for the saline every time a dry booger shows up; your solution will already be on hand, so to speak. And you could still use the saline, if with a bit less dexterity.

I, for one, wish to offer you only encouragement in your efforts to pick kick the habit. When you finally do so, please forgive me for not shaking your hand.

Written by Thag

October 1, 2011 at 11:34 pm