Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Archive for November 2013

CDC: Nothing Wrong With Gluten; ‘Man Up’

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CDCAtlanta (AP) – Urging Americans to grow a pair, the Centers for Disease Control has issued new dietary recommendations yesterday that dismiss widespread concern over gluten in grains.

A two-decade study of dietary components and human physiology have led the CDC to conclude that, “the all-too-common assumption that the human body is somehow incapable of properly processing gluten – principally wheat gluten – has no scientific basis and rests solely on the documented increasing wussiness of Read the rest of this entry »

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November 28, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Benjamin Moore Introduces Booger-Color Paints

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booger paintMontvale, New Jersey (AP) – Seeking to tap into parental frustration over their children’s apparent addiction to spreading the contents of their noses on every available surface, the paint manufacturer Benjamin Moore & Company has begun marketing a line of paints to match the colors and textures of dried human nasal mucus.

The Pick-A-Paint series includes twenty-five different shades and five textures. With the selection, Benjamin Moore hopes to capitalize on the Sisyphean enterprise of keeping the walls of a house clean while children under the age of 14 inhabit it. Instead of actually trying to wipe – or, more likely, scrape – boogers off the wall, parents will now be able to paint entire walls or rooms the color of mucus and subsequently ignore the camouflaged boogers.

“Everyone can breathe more easily with Pick-A-Paint,” reads the company’s press release announcing the product launch. “Parents will love the convenience of never having to see these unpleasant sights on the walls. Children will never have to worry about waiting the excruciating twelve seconds it might take to get to the nearest available tissue to free up their nasal passages. And we at Benjamin Moore will be thrilled to know we’ve contributed to humanity by eliminating a major source of tension between parents and children.”

Company executive Dryden Crustee disclosed in an interview that Benjamin Moore expects certain selections from the new series to fare better than others. “There’s obvious demand for brownish-ocher-green with dark flecks,” he said, explaining that numerous focus groups of parents had ranked as “most disturbing” the discovery of blackish booger remnants festooning the walls above their children’s beds. “But we also found that some parents would appreciate the occasional shiny streak, to help mask the smears that inevitably result from some methods of booger disposal.”

Also available will be chunky streaks of red to mimic the occasional bloody boogers that parents often find, and paints that flake ever so slightly to replicate the texture and experience that wet mucus provides after it dries.

Benjamin Moore intends to roll out distribution of the new paints in January, initially along the eastern seaboard and gradually moving westward through 2014 and 2015. The parent company, Berkshire Hathaway, expects the stock price of Benjamin Moore to increase following the release of the products, betting that the appeal of Pick-A-Paint will stick.

Written by Thag

November 27, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Second Coming Delayed; Jesus Distracted By Twitter

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Tweet JesusJerusalem (AP) – The Savior was prepared to return to his corporeal form, reward the faithful, and exact retribution from sinners, but has been waylaid by his constant Twitter habit.

According to divine spokesman St. Peter, the Christ was scheduled to fulfill his promise of a Second Coming once the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series for the third time this millennium, a phenomenon that was all but inconceivable in previous eras. It precipitated extreme instability that the Second Coming was meant to forestall, but Jesus found himself absorbed by the messages of the Twitter accounts he follows religiously, and the links they share. As a result, the world has since experienced Typhoon Haiyan, new Read the rest of this entry »

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November 26, 2013 at 2:59 pm

Pharaoh’s Butler Resentful Of Upstart Hebrew Ex-Slave Dream Expert

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We were unable to find an actual photo of either the butler or of Tzafenat Pa'aneakh, so here's a different image that we'll just all have to agree is a bust of Yul Brynner.

We were unable to find an actual photo of either the butler or of Tzafenat Pa’aneakh, so here’s a different image that we’ll just all have to agree is a bust of Yul Brynner.

Memphis, Egypt (AP) – Semillontep, the veteran butler of Pharaoh’s palace, nurses a grudge against viceroy Tzafenat Pa’aneakh, who, he claims, has failed to show sufficient appreciation for the butler’s efforts to free him from the royal prison.

When Pharaoh had a disturbing set of dreams, Semillontep recalled that two years earlier, a Hebrew slave was able to correctly interpret the mysterious dreams that the butler and chief baker had while they were in prison. He humbly suggested to the king that the Hebrew, known then as Joseph, might be able to perform a similar feat for His Highness where the court soothsayers had failed. Accordingly, Pharaoh summoned Joseph from jail, and indeed, the Hebrew gave a convincing, accurate explanation of the royal dreams, along with an astute set of administrative instructions to prepare for the epic events that the dreams portended. Semillontep anticipated a proper recognition for this act of generosity, which was not forthcoming.

As a result of his thankless efforts, says Semillontep, Pharaoh appointed the thirty-year-old Joseph as viceroy to administer the very system he had envisioned, and renamed him Tzafenat Pa’aneakh, “the decoder of the mysterious.” The butler understood that Pharaoh himself would not give more than a token expression of gratitude for his referral to Joseph, as he was obligated to serve his master loyally in any case. Moreover, Semillontep owed his own debt of gratitude to the king for the amnesty that spared him while his colleague the baker was executed – the very fate that Joseph had foretold in interpreting the pair’s dreams. But Semillontep still feels left behind in the face of the rapid advance of this lowly Hebrew nobody to whom everyone is suddenly genuflecting.

“I made him who he is,” hissed Semillontep to his wife, Sirrah. “And here I am, still stuck in a dead-end job with the threat of a death sentence hanging over me if I screw up one more time,” he lamented, recalling the episode that got him in trouble several years earlier, when Pharaoh found a fly in the royal wine goblet.

Tzafenat Pa’aneakh was unavailable for comment. His representative said the viceroy was busy traveling to all the major cities and towns of Egypt to oversee the grain-amassing project that he had proposed in order to prepare the land and region for an anticipated famine. Pa’aneakh’s spokesman claimed no knowledge of the butler’s contention, but he did note that Semillontep had for some reason forgotten about the languishing Hebrew in the prison for two years before mentioning anything to Pharaoh.

“One rather suspects motives other than the mere feeling of being slighted,” suggested the spokesman, noting that it was not unusual for native Egyptians to discriminate against people of other ethnicities, and to enslave them. “One has to wonder whether the same resentment would exist if His Excellency Tzafenat Pa’aneakh were born and raised in Egypt instead of Canaan.”

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November 25, 2013 at 3:41 pm

Early Hanukkah Causes Confusion Among Assimilated Jews

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Black FridayNewport News, Virginia (AP) – The relatively early occurrence of Hanukkah this year has sown perplexity among assimilated American Jews, who have become accustomed to combining or confusing the holiday’s practices with those of Christmas and not Thanksgiving. The first day of Hanukkah comes out this Thursday, which is also Thanksgiving.

The lunar Jewish calendar has a typical year lasting approximately 354 days, making it 11 days shorter than the solar year. A complicated cycle of leap years Read the rest of this entry »

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November 24, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Local Man Obsessed With Friend’s Girlfriend Liking Him

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Martinez-CastroJamaica, NY (AP) – Jorge Martinez introduced his girlfriend Maria Castro to his friend Marco Ruiz in late October, and since then the 30-year-old Ruiz has devoted a significant portion of his time grappling with his worry over whether Castro likes him.

Ruiz, who has not had a romantic partner since 2004, met Martinez and Castro at a sports bar to watch the World Series. Castro and Martinez had been dating for nearly a month, and the latter had mentioned his partner on at least three occasions in Ruiz’s presence, prompting Ruiz to express Read the rest of this entry »

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November 23, 2013 at 10:53 pm

Israeli Labor Party To Choose Its Next Irrelevant Leader

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Labor logoJerusalem (AP) – Polling stations across Israel are open today for the Labor Party primaries, in which the party membership will select its next leader for a period of continued marginal significance to national politics. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 21, 2013 at 2:23 pm