Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Archive for November 2013

CDC: Nothing Wrong With Gluten; ‘Man Up’

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CDCAtlanta (AP) – Urging Americans to grow a pair, the Centers for Disease Control has issued new dietary recommendations yesterday that dismiss widespread concern over gluten in grains.

A two-decade study of dietary components and human physiology have led the CDC to conclude that, “the all-too-common assumption that the human body is somehow incapable of properly processing gluten – principally wheat gluten – has no scientific basis and rests solely on the documented increasing wussiness of Read the rest of this entry »

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November 28, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Benjamin Moore Introduces Booger-Color Paints

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booger paintMontvale, New Jersey (AP) – Seeking to tap into parental frustration over their children’s apparent addiction to spreading the contents of their noses on every available surface, the paint manufacturer Benjamin Moore & Company has begun marketing a line of paints to match the colors and textures of dried human nasal mucus.

The Pick-A-Paint series includes twenty-five different shades and five textures. With the selection, Benjamin Moore hopes to capitalize on the Sisyphean enterprise of keeping the walls of a house clean while children under the age of 14 inhabit it. Instead of actually trying to wipe – or, more likely, scrape – boogers off the wall, parents will now be able to paint entire walls or rooms the color of mucus and subsequently ignore the camouflaged boogers.

“Everyone can breathe more easily with Pick-A-Paint,” reads the company’s press release announcing the product launch. “Parents will love the convenience of never having to see these unpleasant sights on the walls. Children will never have to worry about waiting the excruciating twelve seconds it might take to get to the nearest available tissue to free up their nasal passages. And we at Benjamin Moore will be thrilled to know we’ve contributed to humanity by eliminating a major source of tension between parents and children.”

Company executive Dryden Crustee disclosed in an interview that Benjamin Moore expects certain selections from the new series to fare better than others. “There’s obvious demand for brownish-ocher-green with dark flecks,” he said, explaining that numerous focus groups of parents had ranked as “most disturbing” the discovery of blackish booger remnants festooning the walls above their children’s beds. “But we also found that some parents would appreciate the occasional shiny streak, to help mask the smears that inevitably result from some methods of booger disposal.”

Also available will be chunky streaks of red to mimic the occasional bloody boogers that parents often find, and paints that flake ever so slightly to replicate the texture and experience that wet mucus provides after it dries.

Benjamin Moore intends to roll out distribution of the new paints in January, initially along the eastern seaboard and gradually moving westward through 2014 and 2015. The parent company, Berkshire Hathaway, expects the stock price of Benjamin Moore to increase following the release of the products, betting that the appeal of Pick-A-Paint will stick.

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November 27, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Second Coming Delayed; Jesus Distracted By Twitter

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Tweet JesusJerusalem (AP) – The Savior was prepared to return to his corporeal form, reward the faithful, and exact retribution from sinners, but has been waylaid by his constant Twitter habit.

According to divine spokesman St. Peter, the Christ was scheduled to fulfill his promise of a Second Coming once the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series for the third time this millennium, a phenomenon that was all but inconceivable in previous eras. It precipitated extreme instability that the Second Coming was meant to forestall, but Jesus found himself absorbed by the messages of the Twitter accounts he follows religiously, and the links they share. As a result, the world has since experienced Typhoon Haiyan, new Read the rest of this entry »

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November 26, 2013 at 2:59 pm

Pharaoh’s Butler Resentful Of Upstart Hebrew Ex-Slave Dream Expert

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We were unable to find an actual photo of either the butler or of Tzafenat Pa'aneakh, so here's a different image that we'll just all have to agree is a bust of Yul Brynner.

We were unable to find an actual photo of either the butler or of Tzafenat Pa’aneakh, so here’s a different image that we’ll just all have to agree is a bust of Yul Brynner.

Memphis, Egypt (AP) – Semillontep, the veteran butler of Pharaoh’s palace, nurses a grudge against viceroy Tzafenat Pa’aneakh, who, he claims, has failed to show sufficient appreciation for the butler’s efforts to free him from the royal prison.

When Pharaoh had a disturbing set of dreams, Semillontep recalled that two years earlier, a Hebrew slave was able to correctly interpret the mysterious dreams that the butler and chief baker had while they were in prison. He humbly suggested to the king that the Hebrew, known then as Joseph, might be able to perform a similar feat for His Highness where the court soothsayers had failed. Accordingly, Pharaoh summoned Joseph from jail, and indeed, the Hebrew gave a convincing, accurate explanation of the royal dreams, along with an astute set of administrative instructions to prepare for the epic events that the dreams portended. Semillontep anticipated a proper recognition for this act of generosity, which was not forthcoming.

As a result of his thankless efforts, says Semillontep, Pharaoh appointed the thirty-year-old Joseph as viceroy to administer the very system he had envisioned, and renamed him Tzafenat Pa’aneakh, “the decoder of the mysterious.” The butler understood that Pharaoh himself would not give more than a token expression of gratitude for his referral to Joseph, as he was obligated to serve his master loyally in any case. Moreover, Semillontep owed his own debt of gratitude to the king for the amnesty that spared him while his colleague the baker was executed – the very fate that Joseph had foretold in interpreting the pair’s dreams. But Semillontep still feels left behind in the face of the rapid advance of this lowly Hebrew nobody to whom everyone is suddenly genuflecting.

“I made him who he is,” hissed Semillontep to his wife, Sirrah. “And here I am, still stuck in a dead-end job with the threat of a death sentence hanging over me if I screw up one more time,” he lamented, recalling the episode that got him in trouble several years earlier, when Pharaoh found a fly in the royal wine goblet.

Tzafenat Pa’aneakh was unavailable for comment. His representative said the viceroy was busy traveling to all the major cities and towns of Egypt to oversee the grain-amassing project that he had proposed in order to prepare the land and region for an anticipated famine. Pa’aneakh’s spokesman claimed no knowledge of the butler’s contention, but he did note that Semillontep had for some reason forgotten about the languishing Hebrew in the prison for two years before mentioning anything to Pharaoh.

“One rather suspects motives other than the mere feeling of being slighted,” suggested the spokesman, noting that it was not unusual for native Egyptians to discriminate against people of other ethnicities, and to enslave them. “One has to wonder whether the same resentment would exist if His Excellency Tzafenat Pa’aneakh were born and raised in Egypt instead of Canaan.”

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November 25, 2013 at 3:41 pm

Early Hanukkah Causes Confusion Among Assimilated Jews

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Black FridayNewport News, Virginia (AP) – The relatively early occurrence of Hanukkah this year has sown perplexity among assimilated American Jews, who have become accustomed to combining or confusing the holiday’s practices with those of Christmas and not Thanksgiving. The first day of Hanukkah comes out this Thursday, which is also Thanksgiving.

The lunar Jewish calendar has a typical year lasting approximately 354 days, making it 11 days shorter than the solar year. A complicated cycle of leap years Read the rest of this entry »

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November 24, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Local Man Obsessed With Friend’s Girlfriend Liking Him

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Martinez-CastroJamaica, NY (AP) – Jorge Martinez introduced his girlfriend Maria Castro to his friend Marco Ruiz in late October, and since then the 30-year-old Ruiz has devoted a significant portion of his time grappling with his worry over whether Castro likes him.

Ruiz, who has not had a romantic partner since 2004, met Martinez and Castro at a sports bar to watch the World Series. Castro and Martinez had been dating for nearly a month, and the latter had mentioned his partner on at least three occasions in Ruiz’s presence, prompting Ruiz to express Read the rest of this entry »

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November 23, 2013 at 10:53 pm

Israeli Labor Party To Choose Its Next Irrelevant Leader

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Labor logoJerusalem (AP) – Polling stations across Israel are open today for the Labor Party primaries, in which the party membership will select its next leader for a period of continued marginal significance to national politics. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 21, 2013 at 2:23 pm

De Blasio’s First Move: Shoot-To-Kill Dog Owners Who Fail To Clean Up

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dog poopNew York (AP) – New York City mayor-elect Bill de Blasio has announced that his first move as Mayor on the first of January will be to empower New York City Police and concerned citizens to shoot the owners of dogs that leave excrement on the ground and neglect to clean it up within minutes.

De Blasio called a press conference this morning to publicize his intention and to give New Yorkers notice of the impending policy change. Until now, dog owners and walkers have been subject to fines of up to $500 for the violation, but de Blasio asserted that he has received unending complaints from residents of all five boroughs that canine fecal matter can still regularly be found adorning various parts of the city. He hopes to gain City Read the rest of this entry »

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November 20, 2013 at 9:17 pm

Midianites Regret Not Getting Receipt For Purchase Of Joseph

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20 silver piecesMemphis, Egypt (AP) – Despite getting a good deal on the purchase of a Hebrew youth, a group of Midianite traders is having second thoughts after spending the last several hundred miles listening to the boy prattle on about sheaves, stars, and dreams.

The caravan, on its way to Egypt, was transporting spices and fragrances to sell there when they encountered a group of herders near the Central Canaanite town of Dothan offering a healthy-looking, seventeen-year-old named Joseph for sale at the too-good-to-believe price of twenty silver pieces. Despite the low price, the traders found no physical defects in the youth, and decided to pool their cash to sell this Joseph at a handsome profit once they reached their destination. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 19, 2013 at 11:12 pm

Scientists Still Unable To Explain Popularity Of Non-Chocolate Donuts

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jelly donutsCambridge, MA (AP) – Researchers at Harvard University have announced that despite a ten-year study involving physicists, chemists, biologists, and philosophers, they remain mystified by the phenomenon of non-chocolate donuts that people like.

The study examined sales patterns, manufacturing processes, anatomy, neurology, psychology, marketing, culinary history, genetics, molecular chemistry, and numerous aspects of the non-chocolate donut phenomenon and found themselves thwarted by the same enigma that stumped scientists nearly two decades earlier. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 18, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Obama Cancels Failed Program To Get All Israelis To Drown Selves In Sea

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NickelbackWashington, DC (AP) – President Obama has instructed the State Department to end its four-year-old attempt to convince Israelis to resolve the ongoing conflict with the Palestinians and other Arab nations by voluntarily drowning themselves in the Mediterranean Sea. The decision was greeted with disappointment by representatives of Turkey, Egypt, Jordan, and the Palestinian Authority.

Four years ago, Obama directed then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to embark on a subtle publicity campaign aimed at engendering among Israeli Jews the resolve to drive themselves into the sea, as a way of ending the deadlock over Read the rest of this entry »

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November 17, 2013 at 8:18 pm

Conservative Jewish Environmentalists To Pollute Only In Public

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JTSNew York (AP) – In keeping with the template of their religious observance, the leading institution of Conservative Jews has endorsed a pattern of environmentally conscious behavior that calls for maintaining an eco-friendly home, but adhering to society’s wider mores when outside. They will therefore adopt such practices as composting, recycling, and cutting waste while in the privacy of their residences, but in the street and at work they will continue to litter, drive fossil-fuel-guzzling behemoths, and place glass bottles in the regular trash. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 15, 2013 at 12:37 pm

NYC Marathon Canceled: ‘Running 26 Miles Is Stupid’

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NYRRNew York (AP) – Organizers of the New York City Marathon have announced that they are canceling the event this year and do not intend to schedule one for the foreseeable future, citing the realization that it is monumentally stupid to run 26.2 miles.

The New York Road Runners, the body that administers the race, issued a press release and online notices to the effect that the annual competition held every November would no longer Read the rest of this entry »

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November 14, 2013 at 2:07 pm

Scientists To McCartney: Lonely People Come From New York

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Eleanor RigbyLiverpool, United Kingdom (AP) – After nearly fifty years of research, scientists have finally been able to supply a satisfactory answer to a query first posed in a 1966 paper by noted social researcher Sir Paul McCartney regarding the origins of people with few or no intimate relationships. They point to New York, where millions of people live and work, and work very hard to avoid making eye contact.

The original paper, Eleanor Rigby: Lonely People in Aeolian and Dorian Modes, looked at the lives of two Lancashire residents who had no apparent friends or nearby relatives, one of whom died during the period of observation. The authors – McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison, Ringo Starr, and Pete Shotton – took pains to set the particulars of the subjects’ lives against the meta-questions affecting socially limited individuals, repeatedly returning to the question of where such individuals originate.  Read the rest of this entry »

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November 11, 2013 at 3:12 pm

Red Cross: Typhoon Tragic, But Not White-People-Dead Tragic

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HaiyanGeneva, Switzerland (AP) Typhoon Haiyan has killed at least 10,000 people in the Philippines and rendered many times that number homeless, but the International Red Cross has stopped short of calling the destruction a “disaster,” preferring to reserve such strong language for when white people are the victims. The vast majority of those killed, injured, or suffering property loss are Asian, some of them Muslim.

Some European and American news outlets have devoted attention to the storm and its aftermath, but mainly to focus on the possibility of Westerners – i.e. white people – who fell victim to one of the most powerful typhoons ever recorded. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 10, 2013 at 8:53 pm

GOP Asks Violence Against Women Act To ‘Run Fetch Us Some Coffee’; Give It Pat On Butt

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Boehner

One provision of the law would make it illegal to write this man’s name on any government document.

Washington, DC (AP) House Republicans took up discussion today of the Violence Against Women Act, telling it not to worry its pretty little head about complicated legislation and asking it to get drinks for all the Congressmen.

The pending bill, introduced by NY Democrat Nita Lowy, would levy severe penalties against individuals or institutions that promote or tolerate mistreatment of women. A similar bill in the Senate has been probed extensively by Republicans seeking vulnerabilities, and has been attracting significant attention on the chamber floor.

Lowy proposed the legislation after receiving repeated complaints from constituents about a lack of federal muscle behind enforcement of sexual harassment and assault complaints, especially in the armed services. Women who complain to superiors about sexual harassment or rape in the military often find themselves ostracized, disbelieved, or facing disciplinary consequences for going “over the head” of those who allegedly perpetrate or tolerate the behavior. Similar bills have received inauspicious receptions from Republicans, Read the rest of this entry »

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November 9, 2013 at 10:22 pm

Arafat’s Widow: Israel Also Used Polonium To Kill Jesus

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Arafat

Either Suha or Yasser. We could be more specific, but then we’d have to poison you with radioactive polonium.

Lausanne, Switzerland (AP) – In the wake of forensic evidence that the radioactive element Polonium-210 was present in some of the personal effects that late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat had with him when he died, his widow Suha Arafat sees the hand of Israel in this and other deaths of prominent icons as far back as 2,000 years ago.

Arafat died in 2005 at age 75, after a period of physical deterioration and a set of mysterious symptoms that sent him to a French military hospital. Speculation and rumors surrounding the cause of death eventually led to the exhumation of Arafat’s body from its Ramallah resting place for further testing. The University of Legal Medicine in Lausanne, Switzerland, tested a number of the personal effects he had with him when he died and found elevated levels of the radioactive isotope of Polonium, infamously instrumental in the assassination of former KGB agent Alexander V. Litvinenko. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 7, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Dept. Of Douchebaggery Extends Shirtless Jogging Season

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WeinerWashington, DC (AP) – Secretary of Douchebaggery Anthony Weiner introduced a new douchebag timetable this morning, announcing that jogging or otherwise engaging in public athletic activity while shirtless would be federally sanctioned through November and December, and resume in March. The previous schedule endorsed the behavior only from May through September. The new policy also includes updated provisions for aggressive hitting on members of the opposite sex, for selfish assertion, and for treating wait staff with open disdain.

In explaining the decision, Weiner cited feedback from douchebags across the country complaining that they have been unable to adequately foist their egos on those around them without more accommodation from the government. The Department wasted no Read the rest of this entry »

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November 6, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Buzzword-Spouting Executive Ready To Take It To Next Level

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buzzwords

New York (AP) – Ellis MacGreggor, an Engagement Specialist at the marketing firm BS Solutions, has his sights set on the holy grail of business speak: a seat on the board of the corporation, where he will be on the runway to an open field of self-perpetuating business lingo endeavors.

BS’s core competencies have always included leveraging its value-added touchpoints toward the quick-win scenario of peeling back the onion. Where MacGeggor sees an opening, however, is in the out-of-the-box thinking he could bring to cross-platform sustainability, especially where it involves mashups of hyperlocal cat-herding. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 5, 2013 at 8:48 pm

Wall St. Broker Can’t Land Dream Job Picking Fruit Because Of Illegals

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migrant workersNew York (AP) – The debate over immigration reform attained added urgency today when securities investment broker Wayne Stockton, 50, of Bronxville, NY, announced that he was unable to pursue his lifelong desire for a career in seasonal fruit harvesting because migrant illegal immigrant workers would work for far less.

Stockton, who handles trades for stock and bond investors totaling at least $50 million each day, has struggled to find a rural employer who can meet his wage demands. The Lexus-and-BMW-owning Read the rest of this entry »

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November 4, 2013 at 2:28 pm

UN: Who Says Gaza Kidnapping Tunnel To Be Used For Kidnapping?

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tunnel

An Israeli soldier blocks entry to the poor, innocent tunnel.

New York (AP) – The United Nations Security Council reacted this morning with dismay to Israeli efforts to destroy a tunnel from the Gaza Strip, denouncing Israel for collectively punishing Gaza residents by denying all of them the ability to sneak into Israel and sow destruction or kidnap soldiers.

“We condemn Israeli measures that punish the entire population of the Gaza Strip for the actions of a few,” read a Security Council statement read, in part. “Preventing every single Gaza Strip resident from surreptitiously gaining entry to Israel and harming Israeli soldiers, civilians, or infrastructure constitutes a clear violation of the Geneva Convention,” Read the rest of this entry »

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November 3, 2013 at 1:47 pm