Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Republican Party Diagnosed with Deficit Attention Disorder

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Washington, DC (Reuters) – The Republican Party suffers from Deficit Attention Disorder, the party’s physician, Dr. Hugh Briss, announced this morning. The condition causes a narrow focus on fiscal prudence, often at the expense of greater values. Deficit Attention Disorder affects approximately four of every ten American voters, depending on which political party currently has ascendancy.

Although any healthy political party concerns itself with government fiscal discipline to some degree, the Deficit Attention Disorder-afflicted party assigns it undue importance, explains Dr. N. L. Retentive, a New York political psychiatrist. “A party ends up focusing so much on the Holy Grail of a balanced budget, of cutting expenses wherever possible, that it ceases to be able to promote the values it truly holds dear,” she said in a recent interview.

The diagnosis, however, is not without controversy. Some political psychiatrists warn of the social stigma the party may suffer as a result of the diagnosis being made public. “It would have been better to keep this a private matter between the Republican Party and its doctor,” lamented Pete O’fender, a former Republican National Committee member and now a lobbyist for the pharmaceutical industry. He allowed, however, that such a prominent figure as the GOP being so forthright about its condition might help others muster the courage to step forward, which would be a boon to the makers of drugs to treat Deficit Attention Disorder.

A number of treatment options are available to the GOP, including medication, Democrat-bashing therapy and dissing so-called “welfare moms,” but history indicates the party will most likely opt for whichever treatment rewards its contributors most richly. Already, teams of rival consultants are preparing proposals on how best to parlay this diagnosis into a conquest of the White House this November.

“It’s about time the American people had a President with the common touch,” said political analyst Donald Trump, long an advocate of candidates with less-than-wealthy origins. “Romney can really use this to his advantage, because the guy in office now certainly has little in common with most Americans.” Census data indicate that nearly half of all American births take place outside of marriage, and that nonwhites will be a majority in the US by 2050. President Obama was raised primarily by his single mother.

Trump, in particular, advocates treating Deficit Attention Disorder with Cranial-Rectal Inversion Therapy. That course of treatment has known side effects such as hair that resembles roadkill, and a near-complete loss of ability to differentiate between reality and ego-generated delusions. Some political psychologists note that Romney himself displays the latter symptom to some degree, and surmise that he is leading the GOP in the direction of the treatment Trump recommends.

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Written by Thag

September 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm

One Response

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  1. Very punny!

    Lorna's Voice

    September 14, 2012 at 4:06 am


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