Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Patron Saint of Music Refuses to Help Avant-Garde Composers

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The saint, rolling her eyes heavenward at a reporter’s mention of Paul Hindemith.

Rome, (AP) – In an unprecedented step, St. Cecilia, the patron saint of music, has announced that she does not consider avant-garde compositions music, and will therefore not extend help to its composers or performers.

Cecilia, martyred in the second century, is said to have “sung to God” as she died, and was later declared music’s patron saint. Numerous composers and songwriters have dedicated works to her, which was all well and good, she said at a press conference, but “at some point about a hundred years ago it ceased to be ‘music’ and just became ‘random noises that happen to come from musical instruments,'” she explained.

“I mean, Ravel? Debussy? Schoenberg? For crying out loud, crying out loud would be more musical that that garbage,” she continued.

In a statement released to the media at the press conference, the saint, one of only seven women – aside from the Blessed Virgin – to be mentioned in the Canon of the Mass, wrote that she has for many generations been of two minds about her musical status, considering how obliquely she was originally associated with the art. But through nearly two millenniums, she became accustomed, even enamored, of the connection to such glorious composers as Hildegaard von Bingen, Monteverdi, Purcell, J.S. Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms and Schubert. Eventually, however, the statement says, just after the turn of the twentieth century, so-called “composers” started messing with the very definition of music, disregarding it as a vehicle for spiritual and emotional elevation, and turning it into a technical, intellectual exercise. St. Cecilia finally decided she could take it no more.

“I do not know whether to attribute the change to the First World War or other factors,” she said in response to a reporter’s question, “but I do know that one Elliot Carter is going to get no help from yours truly when he stands before the Lord on Judgment Day.”

When asked whether there were any modern composers whose work she finds acceptable, she answered, “Some of Bernstein, Copland and even Gershwin can be absolutely beautiful. And I particularly enjoy many of John Williams’s film scores. I just wish he’d stick to that and forget about that Tree Music drivel,” referring to an early-twenty-first century series of compositions that departed from his dramatic, orchestral bread-and-butter.

St. Cecilia ended the conference to a chorus singing portions of Haydn’s The Creation oratorio, after which several ministering angels distributed a list of composers doomed to a special new section of Hell to be constructed especially for offenses to the ear. The list is provisional for living composers, who still have an opportunity to repent of their unpleasant ways and return to the path of the tonal. The list includes such personalities as Pierre Boulez, Hans Eisler, Alban Berg, and every single hip-hop artist ever.

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Written by Thag

September 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

2 Responses

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  1. This is so funny on so many levels.

    Trey Medley

    September 12, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    • It’s only funny to you because your neighbor isn’t playing John Cage.


      September 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm

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