Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Archive for April 2012

I’m Pro-Choice: You May Pay Me Tons of Money Now, or Later

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April 27, 2012 at 12:21 am

Yo Momma’s So Stupid, She Thinks this Post Will Go Viral

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April 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Woman Breastfeeding on Subway Causes Massive Orgy

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New York (AP) – The sight of a woman suckling her infant on the subway yesterday caused commuters to engage in a wanton, public orgy, say police.

According to preliminary reports, on Monday at about 4:30 PM, Kate Philips, 26, boarded a northbound A train at the 34th St. station, carrying her seven-month-old son. Witness statements indicate that at some point between 59th Street at 125th St., the infant became cranky, and Philips, a pervert who refuses to use formula like other, civilized, humans, loosened a flap in her shirt over her left breast and exposed approximately one-half-square-inch of her flesh for nearly three quarters of a second. The exposure lasted until the child latched on and began to nurse, and during that interval the partially exposed breast wrought moral havoc on all the inhabitants of the subway car.

By the time the express train pulled into 125th St., every passenger in the same car as Philips was a participant in multiple lewd acts and episodes of intercourse, including a 75-year-old man. Commuters boarding at that station told police that not a single passenger was fully clothed, except for the nursing baby, and that they were forced to use other cars of the train because all three entrances to that car were blocked by gang-bangs in progress.

The cordoned-off section of train (Dee Viant, AP)

Philips was arrested upon arrival at 168th St., and her child has been placed in the custody of Child Protective Services. A spokesperson for the agency, Amanda Jefferson, explained that breastfeeding usually indicates that the mother has an unhealthy lasciviousness about her. “With all the infant formula available nowadays, a woman who chooses to breastfeed can only be doing so because it titillates her,” Jefferson told reporters at a press conference. “A woman’s body is not some food factory with sex hormones.”

Police did not allow reporters to enter the subway car, but through its windows the moral chaos that swept through it was plainly visible. Beneath a hair-removal ad featuring a woman in a bikini lay a pile of discarded clothes, some of them ripped along the seams when their wearers were overcome with unbridled lust.

Lew Dacts, one of whose neighbors was in the car, recalled seeing his neighbor later that day walking around in a daze. “I tried to talk to her, just to say hello or something, but she didn’t even notice me. Her breathing was heavy and she had this wild look in her eyes. I didn’t dare stick around,” he said.

The episode comes on the heels of a similar incident in Chicago last month that made national headlines and brought the issue of public breastfeeding to the fore. In that case, a woman sunbathing topless on her roof called the police to report a neighbor ogling her friend, who was had raised her shirt a few inches to nurse her daughter. No arrests have been made in that case.

Philips before her arraignment

Cleeve Idge, an attorney for Philips, said his client was cooperating with police. “Ms. Philips has repeatedly told the police exactly what she did,” said Idge, adding that Philips wants nothing more than to be reunited with her son and does not understand what she did wrong.

Dr. Anna Liszt, a clinical psychologist at Bellevue Hospital, says that Philips is just one of countless young women with a skewed perception of the role of the body and sexuality in everyday life. “These women, in either ignorance or apathy, genuinely believe that the female breast is a source of food first and a sexual firestorm second,” she explained. “Sometimes it can be traced to parents who grew up in the sixties, but usually it’s just another fetish. Excuse me, I’m getting a little warm just talking about it.”

Written by Thag

April 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Autocorrect Is Such a Batch

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April 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Also, I Can’t Figure out Why My Desk Chair Keeps Sagging…

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April 22, 2012 at 8:59 am

Next Time Try to Find an Insulting Canadian Stereotype, Eh?

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April 19, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I Promise THIS Time Will Be Different, Sisyphus

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April 19, 2012 at 12:03 am