Archive for April 2014
Kelly Rogers, 19, of Fairborn Avenue, put chocolate ice cream and milk into blender at about 7:25 AM Tuesday. Neighbors soon felt the ground rumbling, as thousands of young men, some as young as twelve, streamed onto the street and crowded into and around the Rogers property, apparently to watch Ms. Rogers consume the liquid breakfast.
The crowd continued to grow for almost an hour, according to Denise Jefferson, who lives several houses away. “We felt the earth shake, and then it just kept shaking until maybe 8:30, I don’t know,” she told reporters. “There must’ve been thousands of guys here, but they disappeared almost as soon as they showed up.” She noted that once Ms. Rogers had finished drinking her shake, the throngs of youths quickly dissipated, leaving behind extensive damage to front lawns, road signs, and parked cars. At least six residents were delayed by the crowd on their way to work.
“We never see anything like this,” said Jamal Watts, who was unable to get to the hospital where he works on time. “It’s supposed to be a quiet street – I mean, that’s why our families chose to live here. It’s a quiet neighborhood in general. I never expected to have to push through such a crowd of people just to get off my street.”
Residents of Fairborn Avenue are considering the measures to take against Ms. Rogers, or perhaps against the Rogers family as a whole, but are uncertain as to their options.
“It’s not really clear what recourse the neighbors have, legal or otherwise,” says property law expert Sol Liss. “The phenomenon of milkshakes attracting throngs of young male visitors to an enclosed suburban property is certainly documented as far back as 2004, but has never been subject to court attention,” he explained. “In fact I’d wager it’s the same incident being cited over and over again, and not a genuine trend that anyone could be expected to consider before making a milkshake.”
For a snarky take on the Middle East, visit PreOccupiedTerritory, and laugh. Or weep.
“The factors that determine whether a given individual will be attracted to men, women, or neither, is not in the Satanic domain,” he said in an address to reporters. “I do, however, take glee in observing the discomfort and discomfiture of right-wing windbags reacting to people’s gayness, and I do all I can to magnify that.”
The exact extent of the belief that homosexuality is either a “lifestyle choice” or the result of such demonic possession is unknown, but the view that it is genetically determined, while accepted in the scientific community, has yet to gain significant traction among demographics that put more stock in what their preachers say than what the left-leaning media say. The same demographic group, however, comprises a large number of people also wedded to belief in an active Satanic presence in the world, and his announcement will have an as-yet-unclear effect on those segments of the population.
“The Satan-belief folks are often the same ones who deny empirical evidence in favor of a stubbornly literal reading of Scripture,” says social scientist Rick Santorum. “There’s no telling whether the trend will continues with this bit of evidence – it could be that, much like the geological and paleontological evidence, they will dismiss it. Or they might take such a direct communication from Satan himself at face value. My money, however, is on a schism between both factions, which is, after all, the American political and religious way.”
Satan declined to elaborate on any actual subjects of demonic possession, preferring to leave that as a source of tension and confusion. But he did allow that certain populations were predisposed to such manipulation, especially those in pursuit of power.
Celeste Babarina, a member of the Lumbago clan of East Africa, has been carrying a fetus since January and displaying all the requisite symptoms of her condition, but familial and social mores dictate that no one is permitted to bring up the subject for fear of embarrassment. Her pregnancy lies at the root of myriad unusual interactions and their consequences, and the negative consequences cannot be adequately addressed without openly discussing Ms. Babarina’s pregnancy.
For example, the cow’s irritability has sparked at least four known feuds among members of the herd, confrontations that have had adverse impact on claiming and maintaining hold of prime watering holes and grazing grounds this season. Rival clans have made inroads into territory traditionally considered a Lumbago stronghold, and other species such as rhinoceros and ostrich have enjoyed unprecedented freedom to wallow in the mud and water previously off limits to them.
Normally, say elephants who declined to be identified for fear of retribution, Babarina’s friends and sisters would collectively enforce the ban on other wildlife, and would effectively bar other herds from encroaching. But the divisions that have grown out of refusal to discuss the elephant in the womb are causing a breakdown of the social hierarchy, and the rivals are exploiting that breakdown.
It remains unclear how much longer the herd will tolerate the situation, but with more than a year remaining in Babarina’s pregnancy, the herd will be hard pressed to maintain its integrity without a shift. When asked for an opinion for this article, the pregnant elephant declined to comment.
“Can’t talk now,” she said. “I gestate.”