Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Survey Indicates No One Knows Who You Are

with 12 comments

New York (AP)  – A nationwide poll of adults over the age of 18 shows that almost no one has any idea who you are, CBS reports.

The CBS poll found that of the 15,281 Americans asked whether they know you, 15,280 said no. Fewer than one hundredth of a percent of Americans can claim any familiarity with you at all; the margin of error is two percent.

The survey results indicate little change since two years ago, when 9,665 Americans unanimously disclaimed any connection or knowledge of you, and that is not expected to change in the near future, says Losel Festeem, an unpopularity analyst with the public relations firm Brutish and Short.

“There’s nothing to indicate that Americans will have reason to find out more, certainly not in the next four to eight years,” she said in a telephone interview. “We’re not talking about even a D-list celebrity, or even anyone who might rub shoulders with people who rub shoulders with D-list celebrities.” You might stand a chance of garnering a few moments of notoriety if you set yourself on fire and dramatically threw yourself off a Manhattan skyscraper, noted Festeem, but all the numbers point to continued mediocrity at best.

Dram McQueen, also a PR consultant, disagrees. “Anyone can gain a decent level of attention and name recognition with a little bit of time and effort,” she stressed. “The question here is primarily one of will and resources – so right now there’s neither, but that can change.” She conceded, however, that no change in your unremarkable circumstances seems imminent, and that you will continue to be unrecognized from coast to coast at least through January of next year, barring some freak occurrence such as your getting caught in the door of a flying helicopter as your pants fall off into the East River.

Some specifics of your complete lack of fame have shifted in the two years since the previous survey. Whereas in 2010, 90% of respondents gave a direct “no” to the question of whether they knew you, this year’s poll recorded only 64% of respondents directly denying it. Accounting for the difference is the vast increase in respondents who said, “Huh? Who?” which stood at 25% this year, as compared with 4% two years ago. Holding steady at 3% was the group of people who reacted with nothing but blank stares before finally shaking their heads and giving the pollster a wary look. The remaining respondents also varied little from the 2010 sample, answering with variations on, “What are you talking about?”

Some analysts had expected at least a modest uptick in your prominence, as you have actually established a Facebook account and friended over four hundred people, in addition to diligently building up an utterly useless network of contacts on LinkedIn. The survey revealed that despite your online presence, which also includes contributions to forums and a photography blog, you remain essentially a non-entity for the overwhelming majority of Americans.

Especially telling was the datum that even those people who might have had online contact with you – including at least two documented cases of participating in the same thread on Facebook – disavowed any knowledge of your existence.

“That’s where the key is,” said Festeem. “This is clearly a case of someone who lacks not just friends in high places, but anything memorable about them at all.”

“Why are we talking about this nobody again?” she asked.

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, where we don’t even know who WE are.


Written by Thag

October 29, 2012 at 10:59 pm

12 Responses

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  1. LOL! Well, I’m not surprised by these results. Thanks for passing on this latest research 😉

    Fortyteen Candles

    October 29, 2012 at 11:40 pm

  2. Drats. Maybe I should change my name to Lady Gaga. I’ve got all those plastic costumes going to waste in my closet.


    October 30, 2012 at 12:35 am

  3. Ha! Great post. 🙂


    October 30, 2012 at 12:55 am

  4. We know who you are. More important, we know where you live.


    October 30, 2012 at 12:01 pm

  5. Someone knows who I am. But I don’t know who he is. How do you explain that?

    Lorna's Voice

    October 30, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    • I should have said “who she/he is.” I assumed it was male, but I don’t know…

      Lorna's Voice

      October 30, 2012 at 5:31 pm

      • I explain everything using flow charts.


        October 30, 2012 at 5:42 pm

  6. I find, the less people know about me, the more they like me.


    November 2, 2012 at 12:26 am

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