Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Report: Package of Cookies Still Unopened

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Concord, NH (AP) – Witnesses in the kitchen area report that the Pepperidge Farm Nantucket cookies in the pantry are not yet open as of this morning.

The cookies were first observed late last week after Mom and Dad returned from a late-night shopping trip. A reconnaissance mission undertaken by the eleven-year-old confirmed the existence and variety of the cookies, dark chocolate chunk. The scout was unable to locate other new sources of chocolate, but the children agreed not to rule out the possibility, as the scouting mission focused solely on the pantry, and not on the other three cabinets where junk food has been observed in the past.

A further reconnaissance mission took place Saturday morning, under the guise of checking to see whether there were enough Cheerios for all the kids. The eight-year-old determined that the Nantuckets were undisturbed, prompting the rumor that Mom and Dad had uncharacteristically forgotten about the cookies, and that it would be feasible to obtain them and repair to the kids’ bedroom for a binge. Discussion was terminated when Dad entered the dining room, and did not resume for the rest of the day.

The eleven-year-old performed further reconnoitering on Sunday, and informed his siblings that the package remained unopened.

Experts are divided on how to proceed, with the eleven-year-old advocating indirect interrogation of Mom and Dad to determine whether the cookies have, by some unprecedented miracle, disappeared from their consciousness. This conservative approach, says the eleven-year-old, would forestall any negative consequences of absconding with the Nantuckets and having the parents subsequently discover them missing.

On the other hand, the eight-year-old contends that the very persistence of the Nantuckets in the pantry for several days ipso facto demonstrates that Mom and Dad are unaware of them anymore, since there has not been a recorded case of Nantuckets lasting more than twenty minutes in the same house as the parents. The time to act is therefore immediately, lest by their overcautiousness the children allow Mom and Dad to rediscover the cookies and devour them before the children can do so.

A conference to develop an action plan came to halt earlier today when the three-year-old, hearing the discussion, made for the pantry and pulled a step stool over before a successful interception involving both older boys and a loud conversation about Grandma and Grampa visiting soon.

As of press time, the package of cookies was empty on Dad’s desk.

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Written by Thag

September 23, 2012 at 3:02 pm

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