Posts Tagged ‘politics’
New York, December 9 – Followers of New-York-area sports teams are expressing considerably less shock at the death of a man in a policeman’s chokehold than other populations, surveys indicate, because they are accustomed to the phenomenon of watching their chosen clubs choke.
A study of Knicks, Mets, Islanders, Rangers, Yankees, Jets, Nets, and Giants season ticket holders and of subscribers to the satellite or cable channels carrying those groups’ games shows that the demographic in question has developed a much higher tolerance for observing others choke than has the population at large. A control group expressed revulsion in approximately twice the intensity at seeing people choke than did these sports fans.
Choking has been a part of the New York sports experience at least since 1960, when the Yankees failed to put away the Pittsburgh Pirates in the World Series and ended up succumbing on perpetual underachiever Bill Mazeroski’s walk-off home run in game seven. Since then New York fans have lived through the futility and occasionally tantalizing periods of real potential embodied by their teams only to see them come crashing down after flirting with success.
Most prominent among the dubious group are the Knicks, who came oh-so-close to glory several times in the 1990’s only to choke famously against the Bulls, Rockets, and Pacers – with Reggie Miller of the latter club memorably gesturing toward the Knicks with his hands around his neck, thus capturing in an instant the essence of Knicks underachievement.
Choking has plagued New York on several other prominent occasions, including the Yankees’ 2004 inability to defeat the Red Sox in the American League Championship Series despite a 3-0 series lead. That letdown followed 2001 and 2003, when they lost the World Series in seven games. In more recent seasons they have failed to perform to expectations – with the highest payroll in all of professional sports – seldom advancing beyond the first round of postseason games if they have managed to reach the postseason at all. The lone bright spot of the 2009 championship has only served to highlight the sense of failure and choking under pressure every single other year.
The study authors intend to conduct similar research in other cities with perpetually disappointing performances by sports teams. Los Angeles features prominently as a candidate location, with the Dodgers consistently following a dominant season with a poor performance in the playoffs.
If LA becomes the venue, the researchers will be challenged to distinguish between adaptation to Los Angeles underachievement and residual tolerance for the choking that moved there from New York – first in the 1956 Bobby Thomson home run that gave the rival Giants the pennant, and more recently in the team’s Manager Don Mattingly, whose only playoff experience with the Yankees was in 1995 when his team dropped a five-game Division Series to the Mariners after leading two games to none.
We’ve all been there. So have the trick-or-treaters. Today’s youth sees gory, creepy images all the time. This is, after all, the age of Reality TV. They’ll yawn at your jack-o-lantern. So how do you give off that scary vibe in a jaded age? here are some tips.
That’s right. We know you’ve had them up since Labor Day, ever since Congress mandated back in 2009 that Christmas lights have to be up within a week of back-to-school. Make your home look unapproachable by disconnecting the lights. Law enforcement won’t bother you about not following federal regulations, since the cops will be too busy shooting unarmed teenagers to bother with your little violation.
The ghostly white effect of toilet paper hanging from tree branches carries extra oomph this year with Ebola on everyone’s minds. Bodily fluids are the way to achieve scary right now.
3. Use Actual Severed Heads Instead Of Pumpkins
These are readily available from your local ISIS outlet. Warning: these are heavier than they look. Consult the nearest FBI office for details, followed by the nearest federal prison.
4. Hang Warning Signs That The Treats You Provide Use GMO Food
Apparently, people are scared of things they know nothing about despite the fact that people who do know a thing or two about science have established no adverse effects from GMO. People are scary.
Seriously, this guy is the greatest insurance policy against a presidential assassination since Dan Quayle.
6. Use The Word “Literally” In Every Sense But Literally
Only if you answer the door as a ghost or zombie can you use the statement, “I literally DIED,” correctly. This might only work on intelligent people, so if your neighborhood includes a significant number of NY Jets or Calgary Flames fans, prepare for disappointment. Note: this also applies to the use of “racist” to mean bigotry in general.
This method has the bonus effect of scaring the crap out of YOU when you see who comes by as a result.
8. Forget Blood; High-Fructose Corn Syrup Is The Way To Go
Apparently, everyone who consumes high-fructose corn syrup will die. Fact. Science! Also, statistics. We’re not sure whether that should carry an exclamation point.
We’re not quite sure where to find this, actually, but we’re told by much of the media that this is the least desirable thing to have.
10. Repeatedly Play A Recording Of A Woman Saying, “We Have To Talk”
Admit it: your adrenalin started flowing just from reading this.
Washington, DC, July 19 – Conservative thinkers across the US expressed bewilderment this week upon realizing that the nation’s premier gun-rights advocacy group is missing a golden opportunity to argue for freer access to firearms by invoking the situation in the Middle East, where weapons flow everywhere nearly unrestricted and as a result, the citizens enjoy a level of peace, liberty, and prosperity that Americans can only envy.
A group of Tea Party, Libertarian, and other conservative pundits gathered earlier this week in Las Vegas to discuss legislative lobbing strategies for this November and beyond. From those conversations it emerged that the current public awareness and lobbying campaigns were completely missing the most compelling piece of evidence in their potential rhetorical arsenal: the correlation between large numbers of Arabs armed to the teeth and the success of those Arabs in forging tranquil, courteous, democratic societies.
“If the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, then the gun-toting good people of Iraq, Syria, the Palestinian Territories, Sinai, and Libya must be so secure as to warrant emulation,” said right-wing radio talk show icon Rush Limbaugh. “I seldom have words of criticism for my friends at the National Rifle Association, but I contend they dropped the ball on this issue by neglecting to marshal this winning argument.”
No hard numbers exist for the per capita distribution of firearms in the Levant and surrounding evirons, in part because the limited reach of the central governments does not allow for effective statistical measures.
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) took up that point, noting that the decentralized governmental structures of the governments in those heavily armed countries was especially conducive to prosperity and security. “Just look at the burgeoning trade those countries enjoy,” he said. “There is almost no top-down market regulation, leaving it up to local sensibilities to determine who may traffic in what materials and services. That is what I call a recipe for liberty.” He expressed alarm that conservative organizations at large had not latched onto that argument.
Washington, May 20 – With the 2016 election campaign barely two years away, political operatives are already exploring possible candidacies, including former henchman Oddjob, who tossed his hat into the ring today and ended up killing several people.
The four victims were about to announce their own exploratory committees when Oddjob sent his steel-reinforced bowler flying in their direction. Witnesses said one of the victims, as yet unidentified, managed to shout a warning to the others, but they were unable to dodge the hat. Oddjob was taken into custody and charged with four counts of manslaughter.
The three victims who have been identified were former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson, Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner. The fourth victim is female, and died from a spinal cord injury. The other three had major arteries severed in their necks and died from blood loss.
Analysts are divided on whether the killings will adversely affect Oddjob’s electoral prospects. “People like toughness in a candidate during times of instability,” says expert Auric Goldfinger. “This might be just the incident to spark the public’s interest and demonstrate to them that Oddjob is the right man for any tough job.”
Others are less convinced. “The American public might appreciate a no-nonsense approach while in office, but an election campaign is mostly about finesse,” contends Pussy Galore, once a former associate of Oddjob. “I’m afraid Oddjob might have seriously hurt his chances with this.”
Ms. Galore acknowledged that getting rid of the narcissistic Congressman Weiner, twice-busted in sexting incidents, could only boost Oddjob’s popularity, but it would probably prove insufficient over the long term to offset other factors.
“President Obama got rid of Osama Bin Laden, but still had to wage a tough campaign in 2012, even as an incumbent,” she noted. “I realize Bin Laden was no Anthony Weiner, but still.”
More inanity can be found here: PreOccupiedTerritory.
Washington, DC, May 14 – To recognize the necessary exception to traffic regulations, Congress has enacted legislation allowing you, specifically, to disregard laws when obeying them would prevent you from getting to your destination on time.
By a 239-102 margin, the House of Representatives passed the Driving Ordinance Urgent Circumstance Hurrying Exception (DOUCHE) Act, which will allow you to run red lights, ignore stop signs, pass on the right, tailgate, honk in quiet zones, speed past schools, disregard seatbelt and child safety seat laws, make illegal turns, travel the wrong way on one-way streets, block intersections and driveways, and implement lane changes and turns without signaling, if under those circumstances upholding the traffic law in question would cause a potential delay of more than 0.8 seconds. You, after all, are the most important person on the road, and your punctuality trumps everyone else’s safety.
The DOUCHE Act goes into effect on the first day of June, but sooner if you really need it. Potential delays of over 10 seconds will justify the violation of other laws, notably the right-of-way generally granted to pedestrians and emergency vehicles. Regardless of any delay, laws prohibiting the use of mobile devices while driving will no longer apply to you, because what you have to say is so important that other people’s lives take a back seat.
Congress enacted the law after you repeatedly voiced your wish that so many other people not be on the road when you, clearly, have needs that override theirs. Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) sponsored the bill, and expressed satisfaction that DOUCHE enjoyed so much bipartisan support.
“This is a milestone in transportation history,” he told reporters after the vote. “It is always gratifying to see common sense win.”
Opposition to the bill came mainly from Tea Party Republicans, who said the measure did not go far enough, as it allowed these exceptions only for you. “As this proposal had too narrow a focus, we could not in good conscience endorse it; instead, Congress should be repealing traffic laws entirely, as they represent government overreach into the lives of private citizens.”
Schumer hopes to follow up with a law that would cancel all littering prohibitions as they apply to you, because you’re actually providing work for the people whose job it is to clean up.
More irreverence can be found at PreOccupiedTerritory.
“The factors that determine whether a given individual will be attracted to men, women, or neither, is not in the Satanic domain,” he said in an address to reporters. “I do, however, take glee in observing the discomfort and discomfiture of right-wing windbags reacting to people’s gayness, and I do all I can to magnify that.”
The exact extent of the belief that homosexuality is either a “lifestyle choice” or the result of such demonic possession is unknown, but the view that it is genetically determined, while accepted in the scientific community, has yet to gain significant traction among demographics that put more stock in what their preachers say than what the left-leaning media say. The same demographic group, however, comprises a large number of people also wedded to belief in an active Satanic presence in the world, and his announcement will have an as-yet-unclear effect on those segments of the population.
“The Satan-belief folks are often the same ones who deny empirical evidence in favor of a stubbornly literal reading of Scripture,” says social scientist Rick Santorum. “There’s no telling whether the trend will continues with this bit of evidence – it could be that, much like the geological and paleontological evidence, they will dismiss it. Or they might take such a direct communication from Satan himself at face value. My money, however, is on a schism between both factions, which is, after all, the American political and religious way.”
Satan declined to elaborate on any actual subjects of demonic possession, preferring to leave that as a source of tension and confusion. But he did allow that certain populations were predisposed to such manipulation, especially those in pursuit of power.
Washington, DC, February 3 – American officials are expressing their gratification at a welcome sign of US influence abroad in the shooting deaths of a Moscow teacher and police officer by a student. The student also wounded a second policeman, giving American leaders an indication that the oft-cited retrenchment of US power overseas is not the foregone conclusion it has been made out to be.
Shootings of this type have been relatively rare in Russia, prompting Congressional leaders to reconsider their criticism of the Obama administration over a Presidential reluctance to engage heavily overseas. Both Democratic and Republican politicians now say that it may be possible for the US to retain its sway without a direct military presence, or the threat thereof, as long as the people of other nations are moved to emulate American mores, pursuits, and values such as the perpetration of gun violence against fellow citizens.
Officials had feared that as the US withdrew forces from Iraq and Afghanistan, it would face challenges in spreading American sensibilities across the globe. But the aftermath of the Iraq withdrawal and the leadup to disengagement from Afghanistan have seen the opposite trend in ascendance: the local population, sprinkled with some foreign activists, has established its own methods for engineering the random, violent deaths of others.
Whereas American military and diplomatic officials had expressed concern over Afghan and Iraqi capabilities once NATO’s advanced weaponry was out of the picture, in fact the locals showed remarkable resourcefulness in duplicating the alliance’s destructive power through cruder means. Moreover, while US military strikes focused only on Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, and occasionally Somalia, the impact of America’s culture of violence has reached beyond those countries to Syria, Egypt, and even Lebanon – and now Russia, as well, which most experts had assumed would lie well outside the sphere of American influence.
“I’m not surprised that this shooting occurred right after the Super Bowl,” said Theodore Kaczynski, who writes about politics and violence. “Football after all, combines the two most American of activities: violence and committee meetings. And we’ve just seen the year’s most heavily marketed episode of violence, broadcast across the globe.”