Researchers examining manuscripts from ancient sources in the years Before Chat (BC) found multiple occurrences of the word without the terminal punctuation, indicating that it may have been pronounced with considerably less zeal than is standard today. Older dictionaries had always contained an entry without the exclamation mark, but sources with the term in actual use in its sparer form were not known. The discovery indicates that the pursuit of science! may have been a more sober undertaking in times of yore.
“We’re excited to be able to provide another piece of the linguistic puzzle, because science!” said lead researcher Brittany Hashtag. “It was mostly thanks to the hard work of those who compiled and collated the archival material with the help of technology. Science!” she added.
A similar study late last year revealed that originally, it was considered standard in online communication to end a sentence without appending “LOL” or an emoticon, a discovery that provoked a chorus of “OMG” from the academic community, which praised the researchers for its innovative use of science!
“Recent developments in linguists have me going, like, WTF?” says cultural anthropologist V@ne$$a $chultz. “The language and philology worlds are totes ROTFL over them. I’m glad these things are happening now, when I can observe them, because #YOLO, you know?”
At press time, researchers agreed the findings were amazeballs.
Cambridge, MA, March 3 – Climatologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have published findings that point to a previously unknown source for the rise in the global temperature: the hot local singles in your area.
The researchers found a striking correlation between the localized instances of higher atmospheric temperatures and the number of positively caliente available romantic partners within an hour’s drive of your home. Scientists found that these hot local singles clustered around certain cities, as indicated by the frequency of offers to introduce you to them via your home computer or mobile device.
The number of delicious, sultry, and delectable members of the appropriate sex just waiting for you to contact them was overlaid with a satellite map of temperature fluctuations in the atmosphere over the last year. The climatologists were surprised to find an almost 100% correlation, a fact that has important implications for efforts to combat climate change.
“We either must reduce the hotness of the local singles, or reduce their concentration,” said the study’s lead author, Jay Dait. “In some localities this might not be such an apparent problem, as those places either have few singles, or at least only a few hot ones. But elsewhere, this could prove a major new front – and a formidable challenge – in formulating climate policy.” He mentioned Brazil and Argentina and major sources of hot singles, with Russia also an important contributor.
If confirmed, the study calls for vast shifts in the entities responsible for implementing change. Whereas until now global warming had been attributed to the industrial activities of developed areas such as Europe, the United States, and China, the new data sees a more evenly distributed, though still unequal, burden, as hot Asian women constitute a tremendous source of the warming, and, as internet ads demonstrate, are available in large numbers everywhere.
Toledo, OH, February 16 – Local man Stewart Robbins is reporting that his girlfriend of eight months, Natalie Wilder, seems not to have noticed that February 14 has come and gone, meaning that she still expects romantic attention from him.
Robbins, 33, drove out to Denny’s for breakfast this morning and received a text message from Wilder asking where he was. The home appliances salesman replied that he was getting his regular Sunday morning pancake and sausage, which resulted in Wilder, 30, actually calling him on the phone to express her indignance that Robbins had not wished her a good morning despite the romantic weekend they were sharing.
Robbins promised to return as soon as possible, explaining that his car needed gas. After disconnecting, he expressed puzzlement at his lover’s assumptions. “Valentine’s Day was Friday, right?” he asked the waitress, who hesitated and eyed him before nodding. “So it’s not Valentine’s Day anymore. that’s what I thought,” he added, and proceeded to order breakfast. The waitress recorded the order and left for the kitchen a little more quickly than usual.
Relationship experts agree that Robbins can expect difficulty upon returning home. “It doesn’t bode well for him that he was unable to anticipate Ms. Wilder’s continued desire for closeness,” says Ruth Liss, a couples counselor. “It’s an understandable mistake, considering that the one day a year for expressing love was two days ago, but women’s sensibilities are not dependent on the solar calendar,” she observed.
Robbins is not the first to encounter the anomaly, according to Bay Area social historian Dina Ben-Hamor. “It’s rare in our society, but in many primitive cultures, men are expected to show affection to their romantic partners at least once a month,” she notes. “Even here, fancy restaurants handle a dinner clientele that once-a-year romance doesn’t account for,” a phenomenon that she concedes probably also stems partly from culinary considerations.
Widler was unavailable for comment, as she was inexplicably ignoring her Incoming Text Message alerts as she remade the bed, a development of which experts were unable to fathom either element.
The 19-year-old freshman at the University of Illinois had several friends pose facing her, at which point she stood several feet in front of them and snapped the picture. The friends remained in their pose for almost half a minute afterwards, expecting Brill to return to the group and extend her arm to photograph herself with them, as any normal person would do, but she stowed her iPhone in its case. ”I took the picture,” she told them. “You can stop posing now.”
Confused, her friends challenged Brill, who produced the phone again and showed them the image already stored on it. This only served to puzzle the group further, who had understandably never encountered a photograph of humans that was not a selfie.
“She showed us this selfie, but it…is selfie even the right word? What do you call a selfie of other people?” wondered Briana Dowland, 20. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.”
“I like it,” said Brittany Marcus, 19. “It’s edgy. People will look at it and be, like, ‘Was the phone floating in mid-air?’ It’s very Magritte-like.”
The group discussed the non-selfie with several acquaintances, who were divided on the propriety of such photography. “I think it’s a violation of protocol,” offered Derek Mills, 20. “People just don’t expect that, and while there’s nothing wrong with the image, it’s just impolite to deviate like that from what everyone expects.”
“So why should we blindly adhere to ‘what everyone expects’?” challenged Alex Giles. “Aren’t we here at college to explore new horizons and challenge ourselves and the world? I say more power to her.” He was hesitant to say whether he, personally, would participate in a non-selfie selfie.
“I wouldn’t even know where to stand in front of the bathroom mirror,” he said.
New York, February 12 – Gregg McIntyre, 40, of White Plains, has so far been unsuccessful in convincing his blind date, Kathy Chen, 21, that his biological age can be redefined based on cultural criteria.
Invoking the saying, “Forty is the new twenty,” McIntyre had hoped to overcome Ms. Chen’s opposition to the gap in their ages – and thus the presumed overlap in their cultural touchstones. Her reaction to seeing him in person has involved an escalating exchange of expectations, accusations, and defensive remarks, setting an awkward tone for the beginning of what both had hoped would be a pleasant, if not necessarily romantic, evening.
“I don’t get it,” wondered McIntyre. “People have been saying for years that age is just a number and that forty is the new twenty – so why Kathy won’t accept that and move on to the fun stuff is beyond me.” He suspects that her real objections, which she is too embarrassed to voice, involve his appearance or some other outward attribute. “She probably doesn’t want me to see her as shallow,” he reasons.
Ms. Chen disagrees. “When you fill out a form you give accurate information,” the cum laude Columbia graduate insisted, referring to the online personal details that led each of them to agree to see the other. “Go see whether the IRS agrees with such asinine math,” she retorted.
The first six minutes of the blind date have been otherwise tense and stilted, with each participant only barely willing to give the encounter more time. The initial two-minute exchange of accusations and guardedness gave way to a brief conversation about a place to get a drink, but both McIntyre and Chen admit they no longer see the potential they had anticipated only minutes before.
“At least I’m no longer nervous,” said McIntyre. “Last night I hardly slept forty winks.”
“Wait, what exactly do you mean?” asked Chen.
At press time, the two were fiercely arguing over what you see is what you get.
Mrs. Black, it emerges, was 85 years old and still very much breathing and functioning until her passing by what her family called “natural causes.” Admirers and film aficionados were as saddened by her death as they were by the news that until that point she wasn’t dead yet.
“We though she’d gone a long time ago,” said veteran director Roman Polanski. “I mean, she was Reagan’s ambassador to Czechoslovakia, but then she kind of disappeared. We thought she’d quietly passed on sometime in the nineties, maybe.”
Even those who might be expected to know better were taken by surprise that the actress, who starred in 44 films in the 1930′s. “I, uh, I guess this is unfortunate,” said Elise Dorkin, President of the Shirley Temple Admirers Association. “But we had all assumed Shirley died some time in the last fifteen years.” She said she would take a poll of the organization’s membership to determine who, if anyone, was aware that Mrs. Black was still among the living until yesterday.
“You’d think it would be an easy thing to look up, considering the Wikipedia page was just updated a few hours ago,” said Liz Smith, who writes about celebrity gossip. “It probably never occurred to anyone to look at the stupid page,” she mused, noting that obviously at least one person outside Mrs Black’s family knew she was alive, at least when the Wikipedia entry was composed: “It didn’t include a death date when it was written, obviously.”
After becoming America’s sweetheart as a child in Depression-era movies, Shirley Temple more or less stepped away from Hollywood in 1940 and toward a life more involved in politics and diplomacy, a function of her husband’s ties to the Republican Party. While she occasionally starred in or produced film or television content, her life in front of the camera gradually faded, leaving legions of fans in the dark as to her continued existence.
The avant-garde behavior occurred as the bearded Dyckman sat on a bench opposite a Starbucks, commenting to an acquaintance on the lameness of those who emerged from the establishment. At about 11:40 this morning, the 26-year-old college dropout adjusted his black-rimmed glasses and proceeded to call up the “phone” app on his smartphone screen, selecting 11 digits in a particular sequence that made someone else’s device ring in a remote location.
The “dialing” of the number represents a radical departure from the standard mode of communication involving a mobile device, in which the voice is used only as a hands-free method of operating it. Dyckman expressed no surprise whatsoever that the person on the other end of “line” answered his call, and the two conversed for approximately four minutes before Dyckman disconnected the call and resumed mocking other white people.
Witnesses were unable to identify the person with whom Dyckman conducted the conversation, but those who saw the incident expressed distaste. “Hipsters,” muttered Darren Giles, 26, as he made sure his scarf was slightly crooked and his short-brimmed Fedora at a slant.
Alicia Martin, 25, agreed. “He’s probably compensating for something,” she reasoned, absentmindedly skipping through indie tracks on her iPod. “If he were really confident in his style, he’d be eating something that indicates actual taste, such as this artisanal brie you can get at this wonderful hole-in-the-wall. It’s so authentic. You’ve probably never heard of it.”
“I bet he thinks in five years we’re all going to be communicating like that,” she said. “As if anybody even communicates with fellow humans like that anymore.”
“Well, other than baristas, I mean.”