Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Facebook Acquires Hamas: Tool In Further Emotional Manipulation Studies

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FacebookMountain View, CA, Augist 6 – In a follow up paper to Facebook’s controversial emotional manipulation study, Facebook researchers have found that posts reporting and commenting on military or terrorist actions overseas have a statistically significant impact on people’s moods.

In the methodology section of the paper, the authors described how the company quietly acquired Hamas for one billion dollars, and then proceeded to direct the timing and location of missile strikes and air raids. The acquisition bad been previously reported in the press as a hitherto inexplicable purchase of WhatsApp.

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Written by Thag

August 6, 2014 at 10:01 pm

Baby Björn Launches Ergonomic Human Shield Carrier

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Written by Thag

August 6, 2014 at 3:37 pm

Study: Twitter ‘Favorites’ Slightly Less Useful Than Bowl Of Warm Urine

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All it's missing is a label with a cool font.

New York, July 27 – An interdisciplinary team of pathologists and market researchers have determined that in terms of overall benefit to mankind, a bowl full of warm urine possesses greater utility than people clicking the “Favorite” toggle on a Twitter post, the journal Science reported this week.

Scientists looked at the potential positive impact of “Favoriting” a tweet and compared it with that of a receptacle containing secretions from the human urinary bladder. They found that while a Favorite can potentially – but not necessarily – induce feelings of positive achievement in the person or persons who posted the tweet, a bowl of urine starts out even warmer, and also has disinfectant properties.

Twitter allows users to indicate they approve of a tweet in three ways: Favoriting, replying with an actual response, and retweeting. The latter two methods generally result in the user’s followers seeing the original tweet, and thus afford it additional exposure beyond the roster of those who follow merely the original tweeter.

Favoriting, on the other hand, is directly and immediately visible only to the user and the original poster. Technically, a list of the tweets a user has Favorited is visible to others who view that user’s profile, but such an action remains rare. In contrast, a bowl of warm urine can be used to help water certain kinds of plants, or to keep away certain kinds of animals.

Twitter offers an alternative purpose for Favorites, a use that involves marking a tweet for later review or exploration, but such use also remains vanishingly rare, and is not congruent with the term “Favorite” itself. Urine, on the other hand, can also serve as a critical diagnostic medium for such important physiological indicators as diabetes, kidney stones, drug addiction, and hydration levels. It also usually serves as the preliminary vehicle for detecting pregnancy.

Written by Thag

July 27, 2014 at 3:01 pm

NRA Curiously Silent On Rampant Guns Making Mideast So Safe

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NRA logoWashington, DC, July 19 – Conservative thinkers across the US expressed bewilderment this week upon realizing that the nation’s premier gun-rights advocacy group is missing a golden opportunity to argue for freer access to firearms by invoking the situation in the Middle East, where weapons flow everywhere nearly unrestricted and as a result, the citizens enjoy a level of peace, liberty, and prosperity that Americans can only envy.

A group of Tea Party, Libertarian, and other conservative pundits gathered earlier this week in Las Vegas to discuss legislative lobbing strategies for this November and beyond. From those conversations it emerged that the current public awareness and lobbying campaigns were completely missing the most compelling piece of evidence in their potential rhetorical arsenal: the correlation between large numbers of Arabs armed to the teeth and the success of those Arabs in forging tranquil, courteous, democratic societies.

“If the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, then the gun-toting good people of Iraq, Syria, the Palestinian Territories, Sinai, and Libya must be so secure as to warrant emulation,” said right-wing radio talk show icon Rush Limbaugh. “I seldom have words of criticism for my friends at the National Rifle Association, but I contend they dropped the ball on this issue by neglecting to marshal this winning argument.”

No hard numbers exist for the per capita distribution of firearms in the Levant and surrounding evirons, in part because the limited reach of the central governments does not allow for effective statistical measures.

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) took up that point, noting that the decentralized governmental structures of the governments in those heavily armed countries was especially conducive to prosperity and security. “Just look at the burgeoning trade those countries enjoy,” he said. “There is almost no top-down market regulation, leaving it up to local sensibilities to determine who may traffic in what materials and services. That is what I call a recipe for liberty.” He expressed alarm that conservative organizations at large had not latched onto that argument.

(Originally posted at http://www.preoccupiedterritory.com/nra-curiously-silent-on-rampant-guns-making-mideast-so-safe/)

Written by Thag

July 18, 2014 at 1:00 pm

An Apology To Our Readers

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We apologize that Facebook is being such a git. Its inability to keep us logged in for more than a second is seriously impeding our motivation to actually post anything on this blog at all. If, however, your brain damage is severe enough, you will also enjoy our offerings at PreOccupied Territory, where we lampoon the international myopia surrounding Middle East affairs.

Thag

Written by Thag

July 17, 2014 at 4:22 pm

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Report: Too Soon

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too soonVirginia Beach, Virginia, July 2 – Researchers have just concluded a study indicating that not enough time has elapsed since the event.

A team of scientists from Virginia State University conducted the study over the course of several weeks, and determined that it is still too soon. The team suggested waiting several days, or perhaps several weeks, and checking again, but given the sensitivity of the matter, they cannot offer reasonable odds on it not still being too soon even after that much time has gone by.

An earlier study hinted at it being too soon, but was focused on the details of the incident and not on the rhetoric surrounding it. The Virginia group decided to examine specifically whether it was time yet, and began collecting data that would help them reach a conclusion.

Analysis of the data pointed conclusively to there being not enough of an interval between the unfortunate events and the specific kind of discussion related to it. Commenting on, or joking about, the event in that manner would prove hurtful to many people, and it is therefore recommended to refrain from such treatment of the event at least until the initial wounds have had time to heal. Ideally, say the researchers, more than a year should pass before another attempt is made to determine whether expressing the notion would still be insensitive.

Written by Thag

July 2, 2014 at 2:39 pm

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Philharmonic To Stop Selling Beer After 3rd Movement

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From PreOccupied Territory:

IPO logoTel Aviv, June 29 – Troubled by unruly attendees in the audience, Heichal Hatarbut, the Tel Aviv home of the Israel Philharmonic, has decided to stop selling alcoholic beverages beyond the third movement of orchestral works of four movements or more, and after the second movement of three-movement pieces.

The decision comes after persistent difficulties with rowdy audience members who fight, heckle the performers, and present what Heichal Hatarbut managers call  “a disruptive presence and a safety hazard for our players and guests.” The hall and orchestra boards agreed to implement the change following an incident last week when a performance of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 8 in F Major was repeatedly interrupted by shouts of, “Your Scherzo is a joke!” and “My grandmother could…

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Written by Thag

June 30, 2014 at 4:12 pm

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