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NY Jets Embarrassed They All Wore The Same Thing Onto The Field AGAIN

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JetsEast Rutherford, NJ – Adding a fashion faux pas to a season already shaping up as a disaster, every single member of the New York Jets roster chose an identical outfit in which to appear for their game today.

The team’s 0-6 start to the season results from what commentators are calling the perfect storm of rotten luck, bad decisions, lack of coordination among players, and simmering tensions among rival teammates. To make matters worse, say analysts, the team committed an aesthetic and cultural gaffe by appearing in public all wearing the same clothes, save for different numbers on their jerseys.

“Oh, my gosh, lame,” explained commentator John Madden. “I mean, they have stalls, like, right next to one another in the locker room – you;d think they’d pick up on the fact that someone else is wearing, like the exact same thing.”

Bob Costas of NBC Sports concurred. “This could have been avoided with a minimal amount of preparatory work on the part of the players, and, failing that, the coaching staff. This really gives new meaning to the term Offensive Coordinator. I can’t think of a more apt term right now.”

Numerous Jets squads have begin their seasons 0-6, with the franchise often serving as a metaphor for perpetual cellar-dwellers. The team last won a Super Bowl in 1969, leaving athletic achievement to the more talented, better-trained, and more prestigious clubs in the National Football League. The lack of expectation from fans that the team post a winning record, let alone advance into the playoffs, has freed them to pursue attainments in other realms, such as sniping at one another and trying to wear their helmets at the jauntiest angle possible.

Players expressed shock and disgrace at the mistake. “I thought I had the original idea to match my jersey and football pants to the green and white of the turf and yard markers,” said Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson. “Imagine my chagrin upon discovering that all 52 of my teammates made the same fashion decision. I wish I could die.”

The incident recalls a similar episode in Borough Park, Brooklyn, last year, when fisticuffs broke out among adherents of Bobov and Ger Hasidic sects over which group had usurped the black frocks of the other.

Written by Thag

October 18, 2014 at 10:52 pm

Unable To Be First Team To Lose All Games, NY Giants Unsure How To Proceed

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NY GiantsEast Rutherford, New Jersey (AP) – The New York Giants entered the 2013 NFL season prepared to follow the leadership of quarterback Eli Manning into the record books, but soon found themselves without direction, as the achievement of losing every single game in a sixteen-game season had already been accomplished by the 2008 Detroit Lions. They subsequently won a game, calling into question the team’s ability to achieve anything epic, even anything negative. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 25, 2013 at 3:50 pm

Soccer Player Incurs Actual Injury; FIFA to Develop Procedures

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A player rehearses being "hurt."

A player rehearses being “hurt.”

Zurich, Switzerland (AP) – After more than a century of players faking injury on the soccer pitch, last week a player suffered actual physical harm during a game, and neither the game officials nor the team personnel were prepared. In response, FIFA, the sport’s governing body, has promised to develop procedures in case such an incident happens again.

In a game between Barcelona and Juventus, Barcelona striker Alfonso Peña was attempting to wrest control of the ball from an opponent, and when the latter extricated himself successfully, Peña did as professional soccer players are trained to do: he fell down grasping his lower leg, hoping the officials would find the display worthy of an infraction for the opposing player.

However, through circumstances that remain unclear, Peña suffered a bona fide fracture to his left fibia, and has been sidelined for several weeks while the bone heals and he undergoes rehabilitation. Team officials have had to scramble to meet the player’s unexpected medical needs, as emergency treatment resources for professional athletes within the various FIFA member associations seldom extend beyond massage. Realizing that the situation lay beyond their capacity to address, the referees and Barcelona personnel had to summon an ambulance.

“This was new to us,” Alejandro Muñoz, the ambulance crew chief, was quoted later as telling a local newspaper. “When you get a call to treat someone at the football stadium, your first thought is that it’s some stupid fan who fell, or got injured in a fight – but a real, live, player getting hurt? It just doesn’t happen. It was all we could do to remember that he was genuinely hurt, and not to ask him for an autograph.”

FIFA President Sepp Blatter has promised an investigation, including the use of instant replay, to discover what exactly went wrong. “We do not yet know for certain whether the fracture occurred at the moment Peña went down, but that will be the preliminary focus of our inquiry,” he said in a statement released yesterday. Focusing on that moment makes the most sense, explained the statement, given that moments before, the player had been running, jumping and comparing his opponents’ mothers to women of ill repute, with no sign of impairment or discomfort. However, Sepp noted that no reasonable lines of investigation will be left unexplored.

He also said that he had assigned a task force to take the eventual results of the investigation and develop preventive procedures to ensure that an actual injury does not recur. “FIFA is not accustomed to having its players subject to rough treatment,” he noted.

Sepp declined to answer questions regarding the fate of Miskitas Tankakis, the Juventus player involved in the scrum with Peña. “Since we have not yet determined whether anyone in particular is to blame for this unprecedented event, it would be premature to speculate on any disciplinary measures to take against any possible guilty parties,” he told reporters earlier.

Peña himself has said he cannot judge whether Tankakis caused his injury. “I did the ‘wounded’ dance we always practice, but something felt wrong right after I landed,” he said during a radio interview on Friday. “I’ve never felt such pain in my life. We footballers aren’t used to pushing our bodies very far, so I had no idea what was going on. It’s a very delicate sport, football. We players are dainty.”

He said he only other time he ever felt pain anywhere close to the same intensity was seeing a matador get gored in the testicles fifteen years ago. “That still hurts when I think about it,” he said.

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, where our injuries are so well documented they have their own passports.

Written by Thag

April 7, 2013 at 3:51 pm

Minnesota Fields Team of Actual Vikings; 12 Packers Dead

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Minnesota VikingsMinneapolis, MN (AP) – Expecting to encounter a tough opponent at the Metrodome, the Green Bay Packers were nevertheless shocked at their defeat by a vastly more overpowering squad Sunday, when, instead of facing the Minnesota Vikings football team, actual Norwegian Vikings took the field. The vaunted Packers offensive all but disappeared against their opponents’ two-handed axes, which are specifically designed to split enemies’ helmets. 12 Green Bay players were killed and a further 10 injured.

The final score of 6-0 for the Vikings did not reflect the lopsided dominance that the Vikings displayed in every aspect of the on-field activity Sunday. Green Bay lost its entire offensive line to injuries and death, and quarterback Aaron Rodgers survived only as a result of his speed and agility. Several dozen fans were also injured, and the cheerleading squads of both cities’ teams were carried off to locations unknown by the marauding Vikings. The low score resulted from the fact that the Vikings preferred to taunt the Packers with the ball instead of moving it downfield. The one Vikings touchdown, in the third quarter, appeared to occur by accident.

“They absolutely slaughtered us,” said Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy. “There’s no other way to describe it.”

“We simply couldn’t execute today,” agreed Rodgers. “They were brutal on both offense and defense. We didn’t stand a chance.” He and McCarthy conceded they had not adequately prepared for the ferociousness of the Vikings, and that several large questions loomed over the rest of the season.

Chief among them is the offensive line, for which the team must find replacements. McCarthy sounded a rueful note at the loss of his vaunted players, but insisted he would go about his duties with the professionalism for which he was hired. “Things like this happen, and we can’t just shrink from facing them. Sports in general, and the game of football in particular, is all about facing adversity and giving it your all to overcome it.”

Another is the confidence of the remaining players, McCarthy’s sober optimism notwithstanding. “I don’t know if we as a team can handle that level of play,” said nose tackle B. J. Raji. “Those Vikings clearly brought their all today, but they were so nonchalant about it, like they were toying with us.” Raji suffered a severed left hand in the first quarter when he attempted an interception.

Other players complained of lopsided officiating, with two pass interference calls on the Packers and none on the Vikings, despite the alleged aggressiveness of the latter on defense. Referee Don Mitchum was taken out of action early in the second quarter with a dagger to the right shoulder.

35 Minnesota fans were injured in a stampede that followed a fourth-quarter play in which the Vikings “went berserk,” according to Lars Olssen, 45, of St. Paul. “As they ran out the clock, the Vikings stormed off the field and grabbed all the cheerleaders. I took my kids and ran,” he said.

Packers CEO and President Mark Murphy assured fans that the team would recover from the losses and contend again. But he conceded that the game did not go well for his team.

“It was a massacre,” he agreed.

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, where, you will notice, we did not perpetuate the myth that actual Vikings wore horned helmets.

Written by Thag

January 2, 2013 at 2:52 pm

If Horoscopes Were This Specific, They Might Be Useful

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Aries (March 21- April 20): Try as you might, the only way to succeed in your current endeavor is to make a pact with the Devil. The Devil, however, really, really wants to see you fail, if only for the entertainment value. Which explains why you coached the New England Patriots to yet another Super Bowl loss. To the Giants. Pathetic, right?
 Taurus (April 21-May 20): The stars indicate this would be a very auspicious time to drop out of any major contests, especially those involving political leadership. It turns out the stars are wary of a Republican leadership whose name has become synonymous, however briefly, with “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex“.

 Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A caring, decent human being would stick with an ailing spouse, not serve divorce papers, but those rules don’t apply to you, because you’ve been Speaker of the House of Representatives. You’ve also been caricatured in Doonesbury as a lit bomb that eventually exploded, and you bizarrely consider yourself an intellectual, all of which makes you the perfect candidate to vie for the Republican nomination. The stars beg you to keep at it, because, frankly, they never tire of hearing commentators and interviewers remind you of your multiple dysfunctional marriages.

 Cancer (June 22 – July 22): This is a time for you to kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labors: you got the country involved in two costly wars, alienated a slew of former allies, increased government spending to record levels, did bugger-all to get the country out of the economic doldrums and consistently came off as less intelligent than a comatose chicken.

Leo (July 23 – August 23): Your followers are called “Paultards” for a reason, dude. How electable are you when you fail to consider the nation’s dependence on oil from foreign sources? When your followers include a disproportionate number of loony conspiracy theorists? Quit while you’re behind.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23): Your career prospects look great, if you’re aiming to break into lewd photography. A career in public service, however, seems not to be in the cards any, er, longer. If you catch that brief reference. It’s too bad “wiener” isn’t how you spell your name, or it would be perfect.

Libra (September 24 – Octiber 23): Just because you’re not a Republican doesn’t mean you have to be competent or realistic. You’re already the first incumbent to lose a presidential reelection bid since before the Great Depression; the rest of your failures are icing on the cake. This would be a good time to use inflammatory rhetoric, such as calling Israeli policies “Apartheid.”

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22): You have a propensity for recruiting psychologically weak female followers; use it to wield power over them and have them murder a whole bunch of Californians in an attempt to start a race war you believe foretold in the lyrics of the Beatles song Helter Skelter.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21): Aside from sharing the last name of a family of ne’er-do-wells on the lowbrow sitcom Married: with Children, you have a gift for abducting, bludgeoning, raping and murdering young women.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): As a career move, you should change your too-ethnic last name Dzhugashvili to something more impressive, preferably with the connotation of “steely” in Russian. Also the tsars stars recommend revising the official records so that your birthday does in fact make you a Capricorn. Under your watch, the Soviet Union can look forward to inept political interference in military affairs, repeated purges, and genocidal treatment of ethnic minorities.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): Who says a career in Hollywood means you don’t have the muscle to be elected president? Not only can your aw-shucks demeanor charm your adversaries, your increasing senility will render you blissfully unaware of the corrupt, illegal activities of your senior staff. Let the International Court of Justice find the United States guilty of war crimes against Nicaragua; you have more important things to do, such as promoting the “trickle-down” theory of economics to justify huge tax breaks for the rich while leaving the poor in the lurch.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your influential, connected New England political family has provided you with the resources and drive to make your mark in government. Squander it by abandoning the scene of the deadly accident in which your illicit mistress was killed.

Written by Thag

February 16, 2012 at 12:16 am

The Two Worst Aspects of American Life

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Written by Thag

February 14, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Tom Brady’s Twitter Feed

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MHK on our Jerseys. No disrespect for the Kraft family, but shouldn’t mine say MVP?

Winning the coin-toss and choosing to kick off. It’s more fun to crush opponents when you pretend to give them a chance first.

Uh-oh. Tummy rumbling. Shoulda had another bowl of Wheaties.

Intentional grounding, my foot! Or Gronkowski’s foot. Better his than mine, right?

Did I leave the iron on? Damn, can’t even ask Gisele to check; she’s here too. What the hell is that thing for, anyway?

Down 9-0. Child’s play. Now all we have to do is win.

I always thought coach Belichick could be a presidential candidate if he smiled more.

See? Shred the middle defense – it’s that simple. They don’t stand a chance! I’m awesome!

Bill for President – I can really see it. If he wins he can make it legal for us to cheat again.

Halftime. But you knew that. Charlie Sheen knows nothing about winning.

Madonna at halftime? Really? I didn’t know she was still alive.

Pep talk. We’re trailing! And we have them right where we want them! We’ll surprise them by throwing the game! They’ll NEVER expect that!

Got some Wheaties. All is right with the world.

Some kid wants my autograph. His folks mortgaged their home for the game tickets; you’d think there’d be enough left over to buy one online.

Back to the game. You know, locker-room wedgies never get old. And you thought Welker couldn’t look sillier.

That’s right, Eli. Archie’s not your daddy. You know who is. Boo-yah!

Boo-yah? WTF? Can’t we come up with something snappier? I’ll ask Giselle.

You can’t touch me, Tuck! You couldn’t sack the dust off a- OOOF!

What’s this green stuff in my face? Is that what the turf looks like? Jeez, can’t the Colts afford to hire a groundskeeper?

Mental note: next time, make sure to put on the right size athletic supporter. “Tight End” has a new meaning.

OK, so the defense surrendered two unanswered field goals. We’ll still squash ’em, just like we squashed ’em in ’08! Oh, wait…

I missed Welker. I NEVER miss. That’s gotta be his fault. I’m too awesome for it to be my fault.

Manning, Manningham. Who can tell the difference? Apparently, the defense can’t.

The Giants screwed up and scored a touchdown when they didn’t mean to, and that’s good for us. I’ll explain later.

Which reminds me. Remember the part about throwing the game? We MEANT to let them score. I %$#@ you not.

57 seconds and 2 time outs. No problem.

4th and 10. OK, problem.

Because I’m awesome!

OK, we might have a problem. But it’s not my fault, because I’m awesome.

Time for one more play. We can do it, because I’m awesome.

It’s up! A Hail Mary! Get it, boys, get it…..!

I don’t care. I’m still awesome. I get to go home with a supermodel, no matter how much we sucked today. Remember that, losers.

Written by Thag

February 6, 2012 at 3:48 pm

How Well Do You Know Your Guy? Do You Really *Want* to Know?

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  1. Which of the following constitutes grounds for breakup or divorce?

(a) Scheduling a date or event to take place at the same time as a playoff game.
(b) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the pregame show and the end of the postgame show for a playoff game.
(c) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the football preseason and the end of the weeklong post-Super-Bowl analysis.
(d) Attempting to conduct a conversation about subjects other than football.

2. Which of the following phrases must never, ever be uttered to a guy?

(a)    I think of you as a friend.
(b)   Don’t you just hate thin women?
(c)    I didn’t get any beer; I didn’t think it was important.
(d)   Oh, please – you know all those teams are basically the same.

3. Tears are justified:

(a)    In reaction to the death of a dear relative or friend.
(b)   When you laugh so hard you cry.
(c)    On stage.
(d)   When the Chicago Cubs finally win another World Series.

4. Catcalls and explicit comments directed at passing women:

(a)    Are just features of a guy’s natural exuberance around attractive members of the fairer sex.
(b)   Can only be understood by any reasonable person as healthy flattery.
(c)    Bespeak unbridled, irresistible manliness.
(d)   Should really meet with better results than experience bears out; clearly, there’s something wrong with the women involved.

5. Pornography:

(a)    Gives women a good idea what to strive for in a relationship.
(b)   Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the presence of one’s significant other.
(c)    Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the existence of one’s significant other.
(d)   Oh, come on, that‘s not pornography – it’s art. And besides, I get that for the articles.

6. Medical treatment is required:

(a)    For injuries obviously requiring stitches.
(b)   For conditions involving the vomiting of actual internal organs.
(c)    In cases of multiple severed limbs or bones protruding from the skin.
(d)   Oh, please – it’s just a flesh wound.

7. Who has the right of way?

(a)    The biggest, baddest vehicle.
(b)   The driver with the best rack.
(c)    I meant gun rack on top of the pickup truck.
(d)   Really, I did! Ask Joe! Isn’t that what I clearly meant, Joe? See? Even Joe understood that!

8. Which of the following chores is properly assigned to a guy?

(a)    Shoveling snow from the front walk, followed by four days’ worth of making excuses for doing nothing else around the house, because, man, that shoveling really wasn’t so good for his back, you know?
(b)   Taking pride in extracting the most repulsive, slimy hairball from the drain and insisting on giving everyone a close-up view of the, uh, trophy.
(c)    Taking out the trash with great fanfare every three or four weeks.
(d)   Disciplining recalcitrant appliances into proper working order with well-placed kicks.

9. Clean laundry:

(a)    Magically appears in the dresser and closet.
(b)   Is far too complicated – why can’t we just toss those pantyhose in the washer and dryer?
(c)    Doesn’t get done fast enough around here. Just sayin’.
(d)   Cannot possibly involve an honest expectation of a guy’s participation, considering the need to actually consult the care instructions on the garment label.

10. What is the proper way to give driving directions to a guy who pulls over to request them?

(a)    Calmly and politely, without betraying a sense of the impending apocalypse that this has actually happened.
(b)   To the woman in the passenger seat, because, really, she’s the one who demanded they stop and ask; he knows exactly how to get there.
(c)    Slowly and carefully, trying not to be too obvious about looking for the hidden video camera that must be documenting this flagrant practical joke setup.
(d)   In whatever language they speak on the alien world you inhabit.

Written by Thag

October 20, 2011 at 10:29 pm

NFL? Is That Some Psychiatric Problem?

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A survey conducted this week reveals that five out of six household members could not care less about the outcome of the NY Jets-Pittsburgh Steelers playoff matchup tomorrow.

The Steelers and the Jets advanced to the American Football Conference finals this past Sunday. While the teams themselves appear to be excited about the upcoming game, and nationwide media attention has focused on the NFL playoffs in general, the recent poll calls into question the accuracy and relevance of the media frenzy.

“The Jets? Weren’t they one of the gangs in West Side Story?” replied Migghta, 35 29, a mother of four and longtime household member. “I don’t understand football. My husband started explaining it to me last week, but I stopped him very quickly; I wasn’t interested to begin with.”

Other household members echoed Miggtha’s attitude, with at least one nine-year-old wondering why the sport is referred to as football when the name suggests a different sport entirely. “That’s not football at all,” said Ralph. “This is football,” he continued, demonstrating a move of some sort with a soccer ball.

Experts are at a loss to explain the incongruity of the media storm with the almost complete lack of interest on the part of this important demographic. “The Thag household seems to be the ideal population from which to draw viewers and possible revenue,” said Roger Thatt, an NFL.com analyst. “Thag and Miggtha both grew up in the New York area, and Thag himself has attested to enjoying football games on TV all through his formative years. But for some reason, Thag’s interest in tomorrow’s game is the exception in the household. We’re going to have to rethink some things.”

Other survey respondents expressed what NFL experts called a surprising apathy toward anything football-related, according to Dr. Liz Bunn of Auburn University, who was not involved in the study. “The numbers speak for themselves. What strikes me as most troubling for the NFL is that the three- and six-year-olds showed not only ignorance and apathy, but that the one-year-old, who actually moves more like a football player than any of the other household members do, seemed more interested in kissing the researchers than participating in the study itself.”

The three-year-old, in fact, presents a double challenge, as she is female, and therefore much less likely in the first place to develop a long-term devotion to any professional sports franchise.

Researchers initially thought that the rambunctious behavior of Thag’s brood made them natural candidates for interest in watching grown men fight over an inflated oblong pigskin. On top of that, the same children tend to get preoccupied by random inanimate objects whenever their parents want them to do something such as get dressed or clean up. This misled the researchers into thinking that the football itself would pique lasting interest. In fact, said Thatt, it appears that any interest they did show was merely a by-product of unfinished homework and stacks of folded laundry not yet put away.

The NFL has not completely despaired of capturing this coveted demographic, but it may be too late to do so in time for this year’s Super Bowl, scheduled for February 6 in Arlington, Texas.

“I’d love to go,” the study quotes Thag as saying, “but I’ve never actually been to a football game. I did see the Jets practice at Hofstra once, back in like 1988. Who was their quarterback then? Ken O’Brien? It’s been a while.”

Written by Thag

January 22, 2011 at 10:30 pm