Posts Tagged ‘Halloween’
We’ve all been there. So have the trick-or-treaters. Today’s youth sees gory, creepy images all the time. This is, after all, the age of Reality TV. They’ll yawn at your jack-o-lantern. So how do you give off that scary vibe in a jaded age? here are some tips.
That’s right. We know you’ve had them up since Labor Day, ever since Congress mandated back in 2009 that Christmas lights have to be up within a week of back-to-school. Make your home look unapproachable by disconnecting the lights. Law enforcement won’t bother you about not following federal regulations, since the cops will be too busy shooting unarmed teenagers to bother with your little violation.
The ghostly white effect of toilet paper hanging from tree branches carries extra oomph this year with Ebola on everyone’s minds. Bodily fluids are the way to achieve scary right now.
3. Use Actual Severed Heads Instead Of Pumpkins
These are readily available from your local ISIS outlet. Warning: these are heavier than they look. Consult the nearest FBI office for details, followed by the nearest federal prison.
4. Hang Warning Signs That The Treats You Provide Use GMO Food
Apparently, people are scared of things they know nothing about despite the fact that people who do know a thing or two about science have established no adverse effects from GMO. People are scary.
Seriously, this guy is the greatest insurance policy against a presidential assassination since Dan Quayle.
6. Use The Word “Literally” In Every Sense But Literally
Only if you answer the door as a ghost or zombie can you use the statement, “I literally DIED,” correctly. This might only work on intelligent people, so if your neighborhood includes a significant number of NY Jets or Calgary Flames fans, prepare for disappointment. Note: this also applies to the use of “racist” to mean bigotry in general.
This method has the bonus effect of scaring the crap out of YOU when you see who comes by as a result.
8. Forget Blood; High-Fructose Corn Syrup Is The Way To Go
Apparently, everyone who consumes high-fructose corn syrup will die. Fact. Science! Also, statistics. We’re not sure whether that should carry an exclamation point.
We’re not quite sure where to find this, actually, but we’re told by much of the media that this is the least desirable thing to have.
10. Repeatedly Play A Recording Of A Woman Saying, “We Have To Talk”
Admit it: your adrenalin started flowing just from reading this.
To the anonymous individual who thought chucking a raw egg at our door last night would be a good way to spend a few seconds: We get it. You’re communicating loud and clear. You have no brain.
I mean, even the most cloistered idiot knows Halloween came and went days ago. The calendar shows November 4 for yesterday, and as every child is required to know, Halloween is the thirty-first of October which you’ve probably noticed is not the same as November.
Granted, we do not live a society that celebrates Halloween – the Middle East is not particularly fond of pagan rituals, at least of the ones they haven’t co-opted into their own religions – but then why would you chuck an egg? Isn’t that one of the rites of the day? Since no one around you is walking around costumed (any more than usual) or going door to door in search of candy (any more than usual), what would, um, possess you to engage in Halloween-related activity? I don’t get it.
And if you’re going to do it at all, do it properly. You did fine on the part that calls for the egg to be aimed at the door, or, if distance is unforgiving, somewhere on the house façade. But the additional eggs aimed specifically at our car’s grille simply do not meet the requirements of the ritual. If it were a baptism, you’d have to dunk again; if a circumcision, well, let’s just let that analogy sit there, OK?
To prevent similar – or more egregious – departures from protocol in the future, I recommend practicing. Because I was not present when you attempted to perform the rite, I was unable to correct your methods or offer helpful input. I therefore suggest that you practice up on the major artery that runs right through the neighborhood. Start with the doors of buildings, but if you gain enough proficiency you might wish to move on to the doors of cars, just to keep sharp. And once you feel proficient enough at that, I suggest moving on to the windshields of moving cars. You can rest assured that many, many people will give you input on your aim, technique and other important aspects of your activity.