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NY Jets Embarrassed They All Wore The Same Thing Onto The Field AGAIN

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JetsEast Rutherford, NJ – Adding a fashion faux pas to a season already shaping up as a disaster, every single member of the New York Jets roster chose an identical outfit in which to appear for their game today.

The team’s 0-6 start to the season results from what commentators are calling the perfect storm of rotten luck, bad decisions, lack of coordination among players, and simmering tensions among rival teammates. To make matters worse, say analysts, the team committed an aesthetic and cultural gaffe by appearing in public all wearing the same clothes, save for different numbers on their jerseys.

“Oh, my gosh, lame,” explained commentator John Madden. “I mean, they have stalls, like, right next to one another in the locker room – you;d think they’d pick up on the fact that someone else is wearing, like the exact same thing.”

Bob Costas of NBC Sports concurred. “This could have been avoided with a minimal amount of preparatory work on the part of the players, and, failing that, the coaching staff. This really gives new meaning to the term Offensive Coordinator. I can’t think of a more apt term right now.”

Numerous Jets squads have begin their seasons 0-6, with the franchise often serving as a metaphor for perpetual cellar-dwellers. The team last won a Super Bowl in 1969, leaving athletic achievement to the more talented, better-trained, and more prestigious clubs in the National Football League. The lack of expectation from fans that the team post a winning record, let alone advance into the playoffs, has freed them to pursue attainments in other realms, such as sniping at one another and trying to wear their helmets at the jauntiest angle possible.

Players expressed shock and disgrace at the mistake. “I thought I had the original idea to match my jersey and football pants to the green and white of the turf and yard markers,” said Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson. “Imagine my chagrin upon discovering that all 52 of my teammates made the same fashion decision. I wish I could die.”

The incident recalls a similar episode in Borough Park, Brooklyn, last year, when fisticuffs broke out among adherents of Bobov and Ger Hasidic sects over which group had usurped the black frocks of the other.

Written by Thag

October 18, 2014 at 10:52 pm

Unable To Be First Team To Lose All Games, NY Giants Unsure How To Proceed

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NY GiantsEast Rutherford, New Jersey (AP) – The New York Giants entered the 2013 NFL season prepared to follow the leadership of quarterback Eli Manning into the record books, but soon found themselves without direction, as the achievement of losing every single game in a sixteen-game season had already been accomplished by the 2008 Detroit Lions. They subsequently won a game, calling into question the team’s ability to achieve anything epic, even anything negative. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 25, 2013 at 3:50 pm

Minnesota Fields Team of Actual Vikings; 12 Packers Dead

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Minnesota VikingsMinneapolis, MN (AP) – Expecting to encounter a tough opponent at the Metrodome, the Green Bay Packers were nevertheless shocked at their defeat by a vastly more overpowering squad Sunday, when, instead of facing the Minnesota Vikings football team, actual Norwegian Vikings took the field. The vaunted Packers offensive all but disappeared against their opponents’ two-handed axes, which are specifically designed to split enemies’ helmets. 12 Green Bay players were killed and a further 10 injured.

The final score of 6-0 for the Vikings did not reflect the lopsided dominance that the Vikings displayed in every aspect of the on-field activity Sunday. Green Bay lost its entire offensive line to injuries and death, and quarterback Aaron Rodgers survived only as a result of his speed and agility. Several dozen fans were also injured, and the cheerleading squads of both cities’ teams were carried off to locations unknown by the marauding Vikings. The low score resulted from the fact that the Vikings preferred to taunt the Packers with the ball instead of moving it downfield. The one Vikings touchdown, in the third quarter, appeared to occur by accident.

“They absolutely slaughtered us,” said Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy. “There’s no other way to describe it.”

“We simply couldn’t execute today,” agreed Rodgers. “They were brutal on both offense and defense. We didn’t stand a chance.” He and McCarthy conceded they had not adequately prepared for the ferociousness of the Vikings, and that several large questions loomed over the rest of the season.

Chief among them is the offensive line, for which the team must find replacements. McCarthy sounded a rueful note at the loss of his vaunted players, but insisted he would go about his duties with the professionalism for which he was hired. “Things like this happen, and we can’t just shrink from facing them. Sports in general, and the game of football in particular, is all about facing adversity and giving it your all to overcome it.”

Another is the confidence of the remaining players, McCarthy’s sober optimism notwithstanding. “I don’t know if we as a team can handle that level of play,” said nose tackle B. J. Raji. “Those Vikings clearly brought their all today, but they were so nonchalant about it, like they were toying with us.” Raji suffered a severed left hand in the first quarter when he attempted an interception.

Other players complained of lopsided officiating, with two pass interference calls on the Packers and none on the Vikings, despite the alleged aggressiveness of the latter on defense. Referee Don Mitchum was taken out of action early in the second quarter with a dagger to the right shoulder.

35 Minnesota fans were injured in a stampede that followed a fourth-quarter play in which the Vikings “went berserk,” according to Lars Olssen, 45, of St. Paul. “As they ran out the clock, the Vikings stormed off the field and grabbed all the cheerleaders. I took my kids and ran,” he said.

Packers CEO and President Mark Murphy assured fans that the team would recover from the losses and contend again. But he conceded that the game did not go well for his team.

“It was a massacre,” he agreed.

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Written by Thag

January 2, 2013 at 2:52 pm