Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Posts Tagged ‘love

Report: You Should Put Out More

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DataScottsdale, AZ, May 13 – A study of the sensibilities of a male acquaintance appears to support the contention that you should be putting out more.

Data collected from 100% of your significant other over a three-month span point to a number of levels on which your relationship and overall quality of life would be enhanced if you were to take the relatively simple step of tending toward less chastity, the report claims. If true, the report has the potential to enrich an ongoing romantic relationship.

The researcher who led the study hopes the findings will have an immediate positive impact, but that depends entirely, he said, on your taking the matter to heart and acting accordingly. “The research speaks for itself, obviously, and the world would be a better place if in general people used their heads a little more often than their hearts – in this case, not the heart specifically, but whichever set of glands are responsible for raising inhibitions,” he explained. “At this point I encourage whoever reads the report to take it seriously, because following its sober conclusions can really bring benefits.”

While the report indicates an increase in positivity to be experienced if you put out more, a relative paucity of data limits the granularity the report can offer. The study’s original goal also included establishing a direct mathematical correlation between specific levels or frequencies of putting out and corresponding increases in satisfaction, closeness, and general well-being. However, the researcher, lamented, there simply have not been enough data points to put together a coherent picture of that statistical relationship.

“Beyond the important benefits that the study cites, for everyone involved, more putting out would also prove helpful in strictly scientific terms,” said the researcher. “In the interest of furthering human knowledge, if for no other reason, I urge the subjects of this study to cooperate in the creation, tracking, and documentation – preferably by high-quality video – of further material for a follow-up to this important research.”

Written by Thag

May 13, 2015 at 2:58 pm

Man Asks Permission To Count Ways He Loves Thee

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flowersLondon, March 23 – Cedric Montague has submitted a petition to recount the different ways in which he finds reason to express affection for thee, local media reported today.

Montague, 26, of Berwick Manor, has been attempting to woo thee for nigh a fortnight, and has finally secured an audience with thee. The ensuing conversation convinced him that thou art the wench for him, and he proceeded to request your consent to hearing the various justifications for his feelings toward thee.

In a request entitled,”Let Me Count the Ways,” Montague seeks to gain thine ear for a complete inventory of his motives in finding thee attractive, witty, charming, warm, humorous, attentive, and appreciative, though he wishes to clarify that the foregoing does not in any way constitute an exhaustive list of The Ways. “Would that thou grant me thy attention if but to give ear to my pining,” he explained.

This is not the first time a suitor hath attempted to woo thee thus. Nary four months ago, Sir Hubert de Mille similarly tried to win thee with sweet words and expensive gifts. That episode came to an ignominious end when thou discovered that Sir Hubert was already married, and already conducting any number of scandalous affairs.

Such expressions of affection are apparently common in thy family, as thy father wooed thy mother with a similar set of compliments. “She hath always been a sucker for the sweet talk,” he hath been known to comment.

Written by Thag

March 23, 2014 at 7:57 pm

Girlfriend Still Demanding Attention 2 Days After Valentine’s Day

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wiltedToledo, OH, February 16 – Local man Stewart Robbins is reporting that his girlfriend of eight months, Natalie Wilder, seems not to have noticed that February 14 has come and gone, meaning that she still expects romantic attention from him.

Robbins, 33, drove out to Denny’s for breakfast this morning and received a text message from Wilder asking where he was. The home appliances salesman replied that he was getting his regular Sunday morning pancake and sausage, which resulted in Wilder, 30, actually calling him on the phone to express her indignance that Robbins had not wished her a good morning despite the romantic weekend they were sharing.

Robbins promised to return as soon as possible, explaining that his car needed gas. After disconnecting, he expressed puzzlement at his lover’s assumptions. “Valentine’s Day was Friday, right?” he asked the waitress, who hesitated and eyed him before nodding. “So it’s not Valentine’s Day anymore. that’s what I thought,” he added, and proceeded to order breakfast. The waitress recorded the order and left for the kitchen a little more quickly than usual.

Relationship experts agree that Robbins can expect difficulty upon returning home. “It doesn’t bode well for him that he was unable to anticipate Ms. Wilder’s continued desire for closeness,” says Ruth Liss, a couples counselor. “It’s an understandable mistake, considering that the one day a year for expressing love was two days ago, but women’s sensibilities are not dependent on the solar calendar,” she observed.

Robbins is not the first to encounter the anomaly, according to Bay Area social historian Dina Ben-Hamor. “It’s rare in our society, but in many primitive cultures, men are expected to show affection to their romantic partners at least once a month,” she notes. “Even here, fancy restaurants handle a dinner clientele that once-a-year romance doesn’t account for,” a phenomenon that she concedes probably also stems partly from culinary considerations.

Widler was unavailable for comment, as she was inexplicably ignoring her Incoming Text Message alerts as she remade the bed, a development of which experts were unable to fathom either element.

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February 16, 2014 at 4:01 pm

Local Man Obsessed With Friend’s Girlfriend Liking Him

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Martinez-CastroJamaica, NY (AP) – Jorge Martinez introduced his girlfriend Maria Castro to his friend Marco Ruiz in late October, and since then the 30-year-old Ruiz has devoted a significant portion of his time grappling with his worry over whether Castro likes him.

Ruiz, who has not had a romantic partner since 2004, met Martinez and Castro at a sports bar to watch the World Series. Castro and Martinez had been dating for nearly a month, and the latter had mentioned his partner on at least three occasions in Ruiz’s presence, prompting Ruiz to express Read the rest of this entry »

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November 23, 2013 at 10:53 pm

Man On Day 2 Of Diet Disappointed With Results So Far

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evolutionary dietDecatur, Georgia (AP) – Local resident Glen Woods has been restricting his intake of fatty and sugary foods since Monday morning, and asserts that he remains unimpressed by his weight loss to date.

Woods, 38, had noticed in recent months that his waistline, belly, and backside regions had grown more ample than he remembered, and resolved to undertake a diet and exercise routine to help him drop the excess mass and volume. Read the rest of this entry »

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October 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

Wife Seems To Think Anniversary Happens Every Single Year

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anniversaryLansing, Michigan (AP) – Patrick Donovan, 34, reports that his wife Cheryl is under the impression that a wedding anniversary must be celebrated every year, despite the wedding occurring only once.

Mrs. Donovan, a receptionist at a medical practice, reportedly informed her husband last week that she had been wondering what the couple should do in honor of the date on which they had wed last year. Mr. Donovan, a manager of a retail clothing outlet, recalls that he sat in silence as he tried to comprehend what his wife was saying.

“She must have mistaken my quiet for thoughtfulness, because after about fifteen seconds she said, ‘I can tell you’re planning something special. Don’t tell me. I’d rather it be a surprise.’ I had no idea what she was talking about,” he said.

Donovan soon sent a text message to two or three friends who had been married longer, hoping they could shed light on his wife’s mysterious set of expectations. Doug Sheppard responded within minutes. Read the rest of this entry »

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October 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm

Bizarre, Warped Man Looking Forward To Family Reunion

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Gary and MelissaWoodmere, NY (AP) – A local man who experts say must have a chemical imbalance of some sort has grown increasingly excited during recent weeks as a planned get-together with cousins, parents, and siblings approaches.

Gary Innes, 37, of North Woodmere, has inexplicably shown greater and greater eagerness since the reunion was finalized in July, and exhibits no signs of awareness that such a positive orientation toward one’s relatives is widely considered weird. According to several neighbors, Innes has repeatedly mentioned how happy he was to be able to see his older brother again, seemingly oblivious to the fact that older brothers, as a rule, are not supposed to be viewed in a positive light.

Similarly, his iterative mentions of getting together with his parents has sent waves of revulsion through this bedroom community, where, as in any normal place, parents are seen at best as a necessary evil, and at worst – and most commonly – as a neverending source of awkwardness and shame.

“He seems so normal, so harmless,” said a neighbor who requested anonymity to forestall any further strain in what will soon be a stilted, overly formal relationship, at least from her end. “What sort of traumatic, depraved childhood did this man have that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with feeling close to siblings and parents?” she wondered.

Indeed, says Stephen Strohmayer, a fellow member of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church in nearby Hewlett, the attachment and affection that Mr. Innes feels for family extends even to the unthinkable: he apparently has warm regard, even admiration, for his in-laws. “I just can’t wrap my head around it,” said Strohmayer, who has appealed to others within the parish to come together to find a way to set Innes straight.

Lucille Bergen, another church member, even attempted to offer support for Melissa, Gary’s wife, gently probing to see whether Melissa felt perplexed or confused by Gary’s easy relationship with her parents. “She looked at me like I was the one from Mars, not her,” recalled Bergen. “I’m afraid he’s got her brainwashed or something, and she doesn’t even want to live in reality anymore. She seems to think it’s preferable to live in a world where family members love one another,” concluded Bergen in disbelief.

Eyewitness accounts indicate the extent to which Gary’s freakish world view has affected Melissa. Reports from other relatives indicate that at Christmas dinner last year, Melissa was seen smiling easily and embracing Gary’s parents, and alcohol was not served. The most serious, severe disagreement of the evening involved a spirited, good-natured discussion of favorite TV shows from the 1980’s, in which Melissa touted the virtues of MacGyver and the Inneses stood by their choice of Cheers. Not a single arch comment about the former’s child-rearing choices, sartorial habits, cooking, or lifestyle choices was recorded.

“I know it must be eating her up inside, to have this grotesque, supportive dynamic with her in-laws,” says the neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous. “It must be a Stockholm Syndrome kind of thing, where she’s adopted Gary’s espousal of outlandish family ideas as a sort of defense mechanism so she doesn’t have to deal with the manifest wrongness of it all.”

Written by Thag

September 16, 2013 at 9:40 pm

11 Hospitalized in Encounter with Nauseatingly Affectionate Couple

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pdaNew York, July 14 (AP) – A Queens man and woman are in custody after their public displays of affection resulted in the hospitalization of nearly a dozen passersby this morning.

Jose Ruiz Menendez, 28, and his girlfriend, Sara Murphy, 24, were arrested late this morning on Fifth Avenue, allegedly following a cloying display of hand-holding, nuzzling, repeated pecks on the cheeks, and multiple counts of loving head-on-partner’s-shoulder caressing. As a result of the couple’s actions, 11 people were sent to Belleview Hospital, with a further nineteen treated by paramedics at the scene.

According to preliminary police reports, the couple were walking south along the east side of Fifth Avenue at about 10:30 AM when Murphy, walking alongside Menendez, grasped his arm and inclined her head tightly against it, continuing in that position for about eight yards, according to eyewitnesses. The resulting disgust caused three people to succumb to nausea and three others to reel around to escape the sight, slightly injuring six.

As Menendez and Murphy proceeded south, they apparently remained oblivious to the mayhem they fomented. Menendez kissed Murphy on the top of her head several times and murmured lovingly to her as they waited to cross 38th Street, causing an elderly woman to clutch her chest, having suffered a mild heart attack. She was listed in stable condition as of about noon.

When the couple stopped to sit on a bench near 36th St., Murphy sat on Menendez’s lap as the two exchanged embraces, kisses, affectionate strokes of the hair, shoulders, back, and arms, as well as words of devotion and mutual care. This further display resulted in several more victims, at least one of them admitted to the hospital’s trauma unit. A bystander notified the police, who arrested the two perpetrators at the scene.

Police Commissioner Raymond W. Kelly told reporters that New York has seen its share of similar crimes, but the department must remain vigilant, as this case clearly demonstrates. “According to the information we have right now, the two suspects were engaging in sickening displays in broad daylight. Neither of them has any criminal record, but our officers continue to be on the lookout for such crimes.” He dismissed reports that a police officer had failed to report the couple upon seeing them holding hands and smiling as far north as 45th St., noting that the first recorded incidence of disgust occurred significant to the south of that location, and that the first eyewitnesses placed Menendez and Murphy on 44th between Fifth and Sixth before they were even observed on Fifth, making the former report unlikely.

According to NYPD statistics for 2012, 12 couples were arrested for Public Displays of Affection, a decrease of 3 since 2011, which in turn saw a reduction of 2 in 2010. The statistics spiked in fall 2009, possibly as a result of the Yankees World Series title, but that remains conjecture.

Menendez and Murphy were unavailable for comment, and their attorneys declined to comment for this article.


Written by Thag

July 14, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Ugly Scientists: Unattractive Men Make Better Mates

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bagheadPrinceton, New Jersey (AP) – A new study by ugly Princeton University researchers points to myriad benefits from dating or marrying an unattractive man, writes a team of scientists in the journal Health Insights and Developments in Emotional, Occupational and Utilitarian Settings (HIDEOUS).

The HIDEOUS study, to be published in August, lists eleven positive factors proven to exist in a relationship with an ugly man, plus eighteen more suggested by the data, but which warrant further study to confirm. According to the study authors, the results obtain across a wide range of demographics and socioeconomic sectors, especially, the study authors note, among those residing in the central and southern New Jersey area.

Among the factors contributing to a better relationship, says the article, are less stress in competition among females for unattractive men; realistic expectations among such men as to the qualities and appearance of female mates; and the convenience of finding any number of such available men within a half-hour’s driving radius of the greater Princeton area – which, the study notes, includes the major New Jersey suburbs of Philadelphia.

Scientists discreetly observed more than one hundred couples over a period of four months, cataloging both the multiple obvious problems present when the man was attractive, and the manifest advantages of the several instances in which a non-attractive man was a member of a romantic couple. The researchers stressed that in no way were they looking for problems with the handsome men,  certainly not the problems that could not possibly be observed from an anonymous distance.

However, noted lead author N. V. Greenwith, certain external manifestations of personal defects are visible to the keen observer, and which should not under any circumstances be confused with wishful speculation. “It was obvious, to us at least, that certain attire such as a Yankees baseball cap over a well-proportioned face, or a T-shirt that revealed an impressive physique, meant that the wearer was probably impotent or insufficiently endowed to properly satisfy a woman,” he explained.

Similar observations applied to well-coiffed hair, which the study noted is associated with a tendency toward domestic abuse, and you could look it up, as well as stylish dress, which the researchers point out is usually symptomatic of certain virulent sexually transmitted diseases.

“This study could revolutionize the dating world,” said Dr. Rhee Jekt of Columbia University, who was not involved in the study. “Intelligent women would be well advised to pay attention to this clear pattern, and make their romantic choices wisely,” he advised

“Especially that hot number over in the Butler Library,” he concluded.

Written by Thag

July 6, 2013 at 11:31 pm

FYI, Ladies

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May 21, 2013 at 2:08 pm

This Is Not a Comment on Your Weight, Honey, I Promise

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January 25, 2013 at 12:39 pm

Couple in Failed Relationship Files for Marriage

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MALVERNE, NY (AP) – After three years of on-again, off-again dating, Hector Lopez and Maria Polkowski decided yesterday to put an end to their troublesome courtship, announcing a wedding date of December 31.

At a press conference on the steps of the city clerk’s office, Lopez, 41, and Polkowski, 39, explained that their decision involved a host of factors including their advancing ages, annual incomes, bathroom habits and the complete breakdown of both parties’ relationships with their respective parents. “Hector and I thought long and hard about this, “said Polkowski. “We shouted at each other every night for three weeks. I could have done more, but my vocal cords wouldn’t hold out.”

“A good thing, too,” added Lopez, “because she almost had me convinced it was time to dump that sad sack. But I took a good look in the mirror and asked myself if I’d really be better off with no one in my life to nag me for coming home drunk every day.”

The couple met in the waiting room at the dentist, when Lopez needed a root canal and Polkowski stopped in to deliver her back issues of Newsweek. The two struck up an awkward conversation, as Lopez’s pain prevented him from properly pronouncing most words. Polkowski made repeated unnecessary visits to Dr. Gertler’s practice on the off chance that Lopez would be there for further treatment. “I even took back issues of random magazines and supermarket circulars as an excuse,” she confessed. The dentist agreed to put them in touch, and the pair soon discovered shared interests in Kenny G, UFOs and gambling addiction support groups.

However, Lopez’s financial situation worsened after he was laid off from his pizza delivery job, and the instability threatened his relationship with Polkowski. The relationship petered out after several months, or so they thought: the two wound up on opposing sides of a car accident several months later, and the romance was rekindled. The next two years saw a cycle of co-dependence and enabling of destructive behaviors, primarily Lopez’s drinking and Polkowski’s addiction to daytime soap operas.

At the press conference, Lopez declined to specify how he intends to address the challenges of marriage. “It’s like playing house. I’ve played house before. It’s even more fun when you’ve had a few beers. So that’ll be what we do. Maria, isn’t that what Jack did on The Young and the Restless? Maria? Hello?”

At press time, Polkowski was unavailable, as press time coincides with the opening credits of The Bold and the Beautiful.

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Written by Thag

November 28, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Nate Silver Correctly Predicts Your First-Date Debacle

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New York, NY (AP) – Nate Silver, the statistician renowned for his accuracy in calling the outcomes of election campaigns, showed similar prowess in predicting that your first date with Stephanie would end in disaster.

Silver uses a complicated algorithm to model the objects of his predictions, though the actual code remains proprietary. His influential Five-Thirty-Eight blog, carried by the New York Times, correctly predicted the November 2012 electoral results in all fifty states plus the District of Columbia. In advance of your date, Silver’s analysis concluded with the assessment that the match was doomed from the start, albeit with significant comic potential.

Silver’s analysis examined your tendency to get lost driving through new areas, no matter how simple the layout or directions. In fact, as events turned out, you went to the wrong entrance of the apartment complex to meet Stephanie, and would up waiting at an unanswered door for ten minutes before managing to contact her on your mobile device.

He also cited your minimal forethought; this was borne out when, on the way to pick Stephanie up, you suddenly remembered to buy some flowers. You neglected to ask the florist for roses without thorns, ensuring that both you and Stephanie would struggle awkwardly to grasp the bunch of flowers. While you were in the shop, the police ticketed your car for parking in a No Standing zone.

This series of mishaps triggered what Silver had already seen as your lack of concentration when events do not go as planned, exacerbating the unease when you finally reached Stephanie’s door and all but shoved the bouquet of thorny roses into her arms. Your clumsy attempts to disentangle your sleeve from the thorns as they ensnared hers could have served as an experience over which to commiserate and perhaps bond, but your predisposition to overreaction made Stephanie more wary than she would otherwise be.

Silver predicted at least one occurrence of your closing the door too soon in eagerness to show gallantry, resulting in part of Stephanie’s clothes getting caught. It happened twice, once on the way into the car from her apartment and once on the way out.

Similarly, his analysis accounted for your impaired sense of humor, indicating somewhere between thirteen and sixteen attempts at jokes that would fall flat; four that would offend; and one that would convince Stephanie that the long-term prospects with a man such as you were grim. The only datum that did not match Silver’s prediction involved the last item, but only because the sweeping, ignorant, bigoted comment you were about to make regarding illegal immigrants was interrupted by a loud sneeze at a neighboring table. As a result of the sneeze you felt more compelled to make a misplaced, borderline vulgar remark instead, and the stilted conversation never again returned to immigrants, or any other topic of substance.

Silver assessed the odds of Stephanie wishing to continue the date after dinner at 27 to 1, in light of his other prediction that you would make a big display of properly calculating the tip down to the exact cent, and your pretending to know more about wine than you do, and doing it badly. Stephanie requested that you drive her home instead of stopping along the beach for a walk, as you had originally intended, and the drive home was wordless.

That last development gave Silver’s calculations an uncanny accuracy, as he has estimated the number of words exchanged between you and Stephanie at 8,775 for the entire evening, with you doing the vast majority of the talking. When you entered the car to drive her home, the total had reached 8,768, leaving only the “Good night,” and “See you” to bring the final total within three of the prediction.

Silver also accurately predicted that you would nearly crash the car in frustration on your way home, where you would kick yourself repeatedly for the cluster of errors. He also gave you a 96% chance of drinking yourself to sleep that night, but not before failing to console yourself with some online porn, an act that would only further depress you by highlighting the gap between fantasy and your soul-crushing reality.

However, Silver did not dare predict anything long-term that Stephanie would do afterwards; his notes explained that empirical analysis has yet to produce a reliable predictive mechanism for female behavior.

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Written by Thag

November 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I Think This Means We’re Supposed to Postdate the Gift Check

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November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Classic Thag, November 2011: You Kant Resist the Chocolate Imperative

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Originally posted November 14, 2011

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October 2, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Classic Thag, October 2010: Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Eve?

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Originally published 21 October 2010

My dearest love,

You know I would never leave you. Nor would I introduce a letter to you with that idea, thereby calling to mind the dreaded possibility of our relationship’s end. Far be it from me to frighten you so. I so adore you, the very idea of somehow diminishing or ceasing that adoration is something I could only mention if it were possible for me to consider, and you can see how that remains inconceivable.

As a token of my undying affection for you, I have enclosed a handful of dried grass: just as the grass will remain in its undisturbed state, so too will my love for you obtain until our last physical vestiges are turned to compost by the soil’s bacteria. You will also find in this carefully wrapped parcel of my love two further tokens of my devotion: a painstakingly preserved specimen of camel excrement from the sands of sun-baked Arabia, and the plaster cast of a Tibetan monk’s amputated left leg. The camel dung expresses as nothing else can the hope I have for the growth we can foster in this relationship; the cast, the distance I am willing to journey to be by your side even if you should ever become mute, lame and alien.

ImageBe not perturbed, my angel, by rumors of dalliances or liaisons in my past or present; they are but distractions in this cesspool of powerful passion, and as false or irrelevant as a slug crawling through a rotting llama carcass, which slugs do not do. I would do so for you, however. In fact, darling, I did so not minutes ago as I prepared to write this letter, just knowing what such a display of dedication to you it constitutes. I shudder with excitement from your reaction to the thought that I wallowed in that muck immediately proximate to the loving caresses I gave this paper before sending it your way.

So be strong, love, and write back if possible. I shall rush to be by your sanitorium bedside as soon as circumstances permit.

All my love,


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Written by Thag

August 23, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Guy-Speak, Translated

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Based on a sincere, heartfelt request in a comment from this post.


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May 3, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I Promise THIS Time Will Be Different, Sisyphus

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April 19, 2012 at 12:03 am

Classic Thag, November 2011: Blog Yourself into Relationship Oblivion

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April 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Women Manufactured with Planned Obsolescence, Says Trade Group

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Cairo, IL (AP) – A trade group representing buyers of female reproductive partners has accused the manufacturer of designing the units to age prematurely.

The General Union of Youth Sustainability (GUYS), based outside Chicago, charges that the sole producer of women “consciously and deliberately designed the female units to decay at a rate far above that anticipated by the consumers,” the organization said in a press release. The manufacturer, Guardian-Origin Designs (GOD), has been the only producer of women for several millenniums. Although the patent on the original design is no longer relevant, no other firm has managed to engineer the manufacture of anything that might compete with GOD’s creation.

Phil Landerer, Director of GUYS, presented statistics that he said prove his organization’s allegations. “GOD has a lot to answer for. Here we have men in the market for partners with systems that can serve their needs for the long haul, only to find that crucial systems start breaking down irreparably when the units are only a few decades old. Maybe the lack of competition has made GOD complacent in quality control. GUYS will have none of that; we wish to remind GOD that it’s only a matter of time before someone else comes up with a more efficient, sustainably youthful model.”

Landerer stopped short of calling for a full-scale boycott of GOD’s products, explaining that for many consumers, the women produced by GOD are the only recourse they have in pursuing meaningful long-term relationships. He did note, however, that GUYS will launch a nationwide trade-in program later this year, in which aging female partners can be exchanged for newer, better-performing models.

Such programs have long existed, but usually on an ad hoc basis, and certainly not on the comprehensive scale that GUYS would want, according to Cass Nova, who has studied consumer habits in the mating industry. Nova’s most recent article, currently awaiting publication, attempts to define specific thresholds beyond which consumers will no longer tolerate a female unit functioning below its original capacity.

From research conducted over several decades, Nova posits several variables, some of which strongly correlate. The two most closely related factors are reproductive capacity and physical attractiveness, both of which deteriorate in most units beyond a certain age. In contrast, male units seem, by and large, not to suffer compromised reproductive capacity to nearly the same degree as females, and their physical attractiveness, according to the data, does not seem to have a direct bearing on their ability to find a suitable partner.

It is exactly that disparity that Landerer’s group seeks to address. “We call on GOD to bring female units up to the standard of their male counterparts, which, suspiciously, do not suffer the same set of defects that the females do,” the GUYS statement read. It continued with a litany of other grievances, notable among them the apparent deafness of GOD to centuries of complaints.

Strikingly, the bulk of the complaints that GOD has not addressed comes from the female units themselves, according to Faye Slift, president of the Committee Of Unduly Geratrified Amore Rejects (COUGAR), an organization that offers support for users whose female units have begun to deteriorate, but who lack the resources to invest in an entirely new unit. COUGAR provides counseling that emphasizes the advantages of a female unit with more miles on its figurative figure, but Slift acknowledges that it remains an uphill battle.

Ironically, notes Slift, GUYS will not cooperate with COUGAR, preferring instead to focus on improved access to younger models. Slift understands the position of GUYS, but points out that GOD manufacturers only about one percent more female units than male ones, which only serves to drive up prices for the newer models and cuts a large segment of potential consumers out of the market entirely. Such unfortunates must settle for the used or rejected units that only become available when the wealthier users have finished with them, and often the units have suffered significant wear and tear by then.

“It might be a better strategy to focus on quantity, rather than quality,” suggests Slift. “It’s clear that the manufacturer isn’t interested in improving the design of the female, but maybe GOD will consent to simply increasing the ratio of females to males. Taking the demands of the market into consideration would just be a more humane thing to do.”

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March 10, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Guys Just Don’t Do This

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February 28, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Mean to Call Your Mom an Idiot. That’s Your Dad.

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February 18, 2012 at 11:06 pm

You Are Cordially Invited to Ruin Our Wedding

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February 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Who Says We Only Use Part of Our Brains?

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January 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

My Middle-School Social Life, Explained

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January 26, 2012 at 5:44 pm