Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Posts Tagged ‘marriage

Local Wife NEVER Sarcastic

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eyeroll 2Wedgewood, South Carolina, December 30 – Local husband Skip Murphy reported today this his wife Patricia NEVER adopts a sarcastic tone with him or their children.

Murphy, 37, forced his mouth into a thin smile before offering details of his wife’s goddamn perfect attitude. “She just shoved a load of unfolded laundry into my arms and said, ‘Here’s a little present,’ then stomped into the bedroom and closed the door,” he said, shaking his head. “Just goddamn perfect.”

The couple’s three children agreed with their father’s assessment. “Oh, yeah, Mom’s just greeeeat,” offered Ben, 16. “She’s just ALWAYS the sweetest, most supportive person. Like this morning, when I came downstairs for breakfast maybe thirty seconds later than I was supposed to because my sister had gone all prima ballerina in the bathroom as if she’s the only one who needs the place, and Mom’s all like, ‘Well, look who decided to join us! Alert the media!’ Yeah, I just LOVE that,” he added as he kicked the waste paper basket and scattered its contents across the den floor.

“So sweet of you to leave the rest of us to clean up your mess,” commented Lydia, 14. “Don’t mind us. We just live here too.”

eyerollAs for her mother, Lydia praised Patricia’s habit of always making sure to include criticism of some sort in her remarks. “It’s simply wonderful to see my self-esteem and sense of security are paramount in Mom’s eyes,” she said with a saccharine smile. “I wouldn’t be the way I am without her comments complimenting my choice of wardrobe by remarking how strikingly similar it is to some primitive nudist tribal culture. Thanks, Mom.”

“Like you’re one to talk,” interjected Susie, 11. “Little Miss Backhanded Compliment here is complaining. That’s rich. As if you don’t specifically pick out clothes you know will upset her.”

“It’s so cute the way you call me little,” oozed Lydia. “I’ll remember that next time you’re begging to borrow my sweaters.”

Skip professed bemusement at his children’s tone. “I have no idea where they learned to talk like that,” he said with a smirk.

At press time, Patricia was wondering aloud who had the brilliant idea that their home would be a good place for a reporter and photojournalist to spend an afternoon asking intrusive questions.

Written by Thag

December 30, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Man Asks Permission To Count Ways He Loves Thee

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flowersLondon, March 23 – Cedric Montague has submitted a petition to recount the different ways in which he finds reason to express affection for thee, local media reported today.

Montague, 26, of Berwick Manor, has been attempting to woo thee for nigh a fortnight, and has finally secured an audience with thee. The ensuing conversation convinced him that thou art the wench for him, and he proceeded to request your consent to hearing the various justifications for his feelings toward thee.

In a request entitled,”Let Me Count the Ways,” Montague seeks to gain thine ear for a complete inventory of his motives in finding thee attractive, witty, charming, warm, humorous, attentive, and appreciative, though he wishes to clarify that the foregoing does not in any way constitute an exhaustive list of The Ways. “Would that thou grant me thy attention if but to give ear to my pining,” he explained.

This is not the first time a suitor hath attempted to woo thee thus. Nary four months ago, Sir Hubert de Mille similarly tried to win thee with sweet words and expensive gifts. That episode came to an ignominious end when thou discovered that Sir Hubert was already married, and already conducting any number of scandalous affairs.

Such expressions of affection are apparently common in thy family, as thy father wooed thy mother with a similar set of compliments. “She hath always been a sucker for the sweet talk,” he hath been known to comment.

Written by Thag

March 23, 2014 at 7:57 pm

Study Confirms Your Parents’ Divorce Was Your Fault

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divorceBerkeley, CA, February 5 – Investigators researching your family’s history have concluded that if not for your existence and behavior, your parents never would have divorced. The study’s outcome vindicates the sense of guilt that you have been carrying ever since their marriage began disintegrating four years ago.

A team of researchers looked at the events leading up to your parents’ estrangement, separation, and divorce, and found that none of the difficulties in the relationship existed in anything but potential until you arrived on the scene, several years into the marriage. Attending to your constant needs disrupted the intimacy that had existed between your parents until that point, and your evolving requirements for attention, affection, care, and support gradually sapped your parents’ relationship of the mutual attraction and supportiveness that had characterized it until then.

The conflict between your needs and the health of their marriage was accented by the initial infertility that marked your parents’ efforts to conceive you. Your mother’s reproductive system had very delicate calibration, and several times the fertilized egg was unable to implant. As a result, your mother felt a special sense of urgency in nurturing you, a sense that your father did not share as deeply because the problem did not lie with his physiology. He therefore viewed her attachment to you as a source of tension and jealousy despite his love for you, tension that confused him and further warped his experience of the marriage.

According to the study, as you grew you remained completely unaware of the havoc your neediness was wreaking on the marriage, to the point that, by the time you were a eight, you saw nothing wrong with refusing a babysitter so your parents could actually spend time alone, forcing them to spend all their together time in the context of household pressures and in the very location that was so fraught with complicated emotional associations.

Friends, therapists, and your parents themselves took great pains to reassure you that the disintegration of the marriage was not your fault, but you nonetheless developed searing guilt over the divorce. The new study conclusively demonstrates that your sense of shame and culpability are in fact perfectly justified.

Written by Thag

February 5, 2014 at 9:30 pm

Man On Day 2 Of Diet Disappointed With Results So Far

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evolutionary dietDecatur, Georgia (AP) – Local resident Glen Woods has been restricting his intake of fatty and sugary foods since Monday morning, and asserts that he remains unimpressed by his weight loss to date.

Woods, 38, had noticed in recent months that his waistline, belly, and backside regions had grown more ample than he remembered, and resolved to undertake a diet and exercise routine to help him drop the excess mass and volume. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

Wife Seems To Think Anniversary Happens Every Single Year

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anniversaryLansing, Michigan (AP) – Patrick Donovan, 34, reports that his wife Cheryl is under the impression that a wedding anniversary must be celebrated every year, despite the wedding occurring only once.

Mrs. Donovan, a receptionist at a medical practice, reportedly informed her husband last week that she had been wondering what the couple should do in honor of the date on which they had wed last year. Mr. Donovan, a manager of a retail clothing outlet, recalls that he sat in silence as he tried to comprehend what his wife was saying.

“She must have mistaken my quiet for thoughtfulness, because after about fifteen seconds she said, ‘I can tell you’re planning something special. Don’t tell me. I’d rather it be a surprise.’ I had no idea what she was talking about,” he said.

Donovan soon sent a text message to two or three friends who had been married longer, hoping they could shed light on his wife’s mysterious set of expectations. Doug Sheppard responded within minutes. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm

Bizarre, Warped Man Looking Forward To Family Reunion

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Gary and MelissaWoodmere, NY (AP) – A local man who experts say must have a chemical imbalance of some sort has grown increasingly excited during recent weeks as a planned get-together with cousins, parents, and siblings approaches.

Gary Innes, 37, of North Woodmere, has inexplicably shown greater and greater eagerness since the reunion was finalized in July, and exhibits no signs of awareness that such a positive orientation toward one’s relatives is widely considered weird. According to several neighbors, Innes has repeatedly mentioned how happy he was to be able to see his older brother again, seemingly oblivious to the fact that older brothers, as a rule, are not supposed to be viewed in a positive light.

Similarly, his iterative mentions of getting together with his parents has sent waves of revulsion through this bedroom community, where, as in any normal place, parents are seen at best as a necessary evil, and at worst – and most commonly – as a neverending source of awkwardness and shame.

“He seems so normal, so harmless,” said a neighbor who requested anonymity to forestall any further strain in what will soon be a stilted, overly formal relationship, at least from her end. “What sort of traumatic, depraved childhood did this man have that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with feeling close to siblings and parents?” she wondered.

Indeed, says Stephen Strohmayer, a fellow member of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church in nearby Hewlett, the attachment and affection that Mr. Innes feels for family extends even to the unthinkable: he apparently has warm regard, even admiration, for his in-laws. “I just can’t wrap my head around it,” said Strohmayer, who has appealed to others within the parish to come together to find a way to set Innes straight.

Lucille Bergen, another church member, even attempted to offer support for Melissa, Gary’s wife, gently probing to see whether Melissa felt perplexed or confused by Gary’s easy relationship with her parents. “She looked at me like I was the one from Mars, not her,” recalled Bergen. “I’m afraid he’s got her brainwashed or something, and she doesn’t even want to live in reality anymore. She seems to think it’s preferable to live in a world where family members love one another,” concluded Bergen in disbelief.

Eyewitness accounts indicate the extent to which Gary’s freakish world view has affected Melissa. Reports from other relatives indicate that at Christmas dinner last year, Melissa was seen smiling easily and embracing Gary’s parents, and alcohol was not served. The most serious, severe disagreement of the evening involved a spirited, good-natured discussion of favorite TV shows from the 1980’s, in which Melissa touted the virtues of MacGyver and the Inneses stood by their choice of Cheers. Not a single arch comment about the former’s child-rearing choices, sartorial habits, cooking, or lifestyle choices was recorded.

“I know it must be eating her up inside, to have this grotesque, supportive dynamic with her in-laws,” says the neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous. “It must be a Stockholm Syndrome kind of thing, where she’s adopted Gary’s espousal of outlandish family ideas as a sort of defense mechanism so she doesn’t have to deal with the manifest wrongness of it all.”

Written by Thag

September 16, 2013 at 9:40 pm

Attractive Woman Angry At Being Ticketed Instead Of Let Go With Warning

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Nance, demonstrating the hair toss that inexplicably did not work on Trooper MacCarran.

Nance, demonstrating the hair toss that inexplicably did not work on Trooper MacCarran.

New Paltz, New York (AP) – Violet Nance, 26, of  Schenectady,  expressed her displeasure today at receiving an actual speeding ticket. All of Ms. Nance’s previous brushes with highway speed enforcement have resulted in a flirtatious exchange with the policeman or trooper, ending with the latter letting Ms. Nance off with just a warning.

Ms. Nance, a graduate student at the State University of New York at Albany-Rensselaer, was traveling north on Interstate 87 at 75 miles per hour, or ten mph over the speed limit, when State Trooper Scott MacCarran signaled her to pull over. Trooper MacCarran approached Nance’s 2013 Ford Focus ST and requested her license and registration.

According to Ms. Nance, she opened with a careless toss of the hair and a shy smile, her lustrous auburn locks almost obscuring one eye. Trooper MacCarran seemed not to react as she had expected, and proceeded to interrogate the driver regarding her speed.

Shifting social gears, Ms. Nance cocked her head to one side and laughed, a move that almost invariably causes men to smile and lose interest in everything but retaining her attention. Trooper MacCarran, however, seemed more professional than any other law enforcement official she has ever met.

“He was no-nonsense, all, ‘The speed limit is 65 here, ma’am,’ and ‘I’m going to write you a ticket.’ What the hell?” she said. “Since when does a guy ignore my looks and focus on something else?”

“Is it a training thing?” she wondered. “Do NY troopers have to go through some sort of romantic desensitization program? This changes everything!”

“What am I going to do?!” Nance exclaimed, noting that her adherence to the rules of the road has all but disappeared since she discovered, at age 16, that her looks would get her out of almost any trouble. Despite involvement in four accidents between ages 18 and 23, witnesses and law enforcement officials consistently sided with her even when the objective facts of each incident placed the fault squarely on Nance’s attractive shoulders.

The student also flirted her way out of six speeding tickets during both high school and undergraduate studies at SUNY Buffalo, where she led the cheerleading squad. On two separate occasions Ms. Nance used her wiles to secure a higher grade  from male professors than she deserved, taking care to wear tighter or more-revealing clothing then usual in preparation for those encounters.

At press time, Trooper MacCarran was returning home to New Paltz, where his husband had dinner waiting.

Written by Thag

July 21, 2013 at 2:16 pm