Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Posts Tagged ‘marriage

Local Wife NEVER Sarcastic

with 5 comments

eyeroll 2Wedgewood, South Carolina, December 30 – Local husband Skip Murphy reported today this his wife Patricia NEVER adopts a sarcastic tone with him or their children.

Murphy, 37, forced his mouth into a thin smile before offering details of his wife’s goddamn perfect attitude. “She just shoved a load of unfolded laundry into my arms and said, ‘Here’s a little present,’ then stomped into the bedroom and closed the door,” he said, shaking his head. “Just goddamn perfect.”

The couple’s three children agreed with their father’s assessment. “Oh, yeah, Mom’s just greeeeat,” offered Ben, 16. “She’s just ALWAYS the sweetest, most supportive person. Like this morning, when I came downstairs for breakfast maybe thirty seconds later than I was supposed to because my sister had gone all prima ballerina in the bathroom as if she’s the only one who needs the place, and Mom’s all like, ‘Well, look who decided to join us! Alert the media!’ Yeah, I just LOVE that,” he added as he kicked the waste paper basket and scattered its contents across the den floor.

“So sweet of you to leave the rest of us to clean up your mess,” commented Lydia, 14. “Don’t mind us. We just live here too.”

eyerollAs for her mother, Lydia praised Patricia’s habit of always making sure to include criticism of some sort in her remarks. “It’s simply wonderful to see my self-esteem and sense of security are paramount in Mom’s eyes,” she said with a saccharine smile. “I wouldn’t be the way I am without her comments complimenting my choice of wardrobe by remarking how strikingly similar it is to some primitive nudist tribal culture. Thanks, Mom.”

“Like you’re one to talk,” interjected Susie, 11. “Little Miss Backhanded Compliment here is complaining. That’s rich. As if you don’t specifically pick out clothes you know will upset her.”

“It’s so cute the way you call me little,” oozed Lydia. “I’ll remember that next time you’re begging to borrow my sweaters.”

Skip professed bemusement at his children’s tone. “I have no idea where they learned to talk like that,” he said with a smirk.

At press time, Patricia was wondering aloud who had the brilliant idea that their home would be a good place for a reporter and photojournalist to spend an afternoon asking intrusive questions.

Written by Thag

December 30, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Man Asks Permission To Count Ways He Loves Thee

leave a comment »

flowersLondon, March 23 – Cedric Montague has submitted a petition to recount the different ways in which he finds reason to express affection for thee, local media reported today.

Montague, 26, of Berwick Manor, has been attempting to woo thee for nigh a fortnight, and has finally secured an audience with thee. The ensuing conversation convinced him that thou art the wench for him, and he proceeded to request your consent to hearing the various justifications for his feelings toward thee.

In a request entitled,”Let Me Count the Ways,” Montague seeks to gain thine ear for a complete inventory of his motives in finding thee attractive, witty, charming, warm, humorous, attentive, and appreciative, though he wishes to clarify that the foregoing does not in any way constitute an exhaustive list of The Ways. “Would that thou grant me thy attention if but to give ear to my pining,” he explained.

This is not the first time a suitor hath attempted to woo thee thus. Nary four months ago, Sir Hubert de Mille similarly tried to win thee with sweet words and expensive gifts. That episode came to an ignominious end when thou discovered that Sir Hubert was already married, and already conducting any number of scandalous affairs.

Such expressions of affection are apparently common in thy family, as thy father wooed thy mother with a similar set of compliments. “She hath always been a sucker for the sweet talk,” he hath been known to comment.

Written by Thag

March 23, 2014 at 7:57 pm

Study Confirms Your Parents’ Divorce Was Your Fault

with 3 comments

divorceBerkeley, CA, February 5 – Investigators researching your family’s history have concluded that if not for your existence and behavior, your parents never would have divorced. The study’s outcome vindicates the sense of guilt that you have been carrying ever since their marriage began disintegrating four years ago.

A team of researchers looked at the events leading up to your parents’ estrangement, separation, and divorce, and found that none of the difficulties in the relationship existed in anything but potential until you arrived on the scene, several years into the marriage. Attending to your constant needs disrupted the intimacy that had existed between your parents until that point, and your evolving requirements for attention, affection, care, and support gradually sapped your parents’ relationship of the mutual attraction and supportiveness that had characterized it until then.

The conflict between your needs and the health of their marriage was accented by the initial infertility that marked your parents’ efforts to conceive you. Your mother’s reproductive system had very delicate calibration, and several times the fertilized egg was unable to implant. As a result, your mother felt a special sense of urgency in nurturing you, a sense that your father did not share as deeply because the problem did not lie with his physiology. He therefore viewed her attachment to you as a source of tension and jealousy despite his love for you, tension that confused him and further warped his experience of the marriage.

According to the study, as you grew you remained completely unaware of the havoc your neediness was wreaking on the marriage, to the point that, by the time you were a eight, you saw nothing wrong with refusing a babysitter so your parents could actually spend time alone, forcing them to spend all their together time in the context of household pressures and in the very location that was so fraught with complicated emotional associations.

Friends, therapists, and your parents themselves took great pains to reassure you that the disintegration of the marriage was not your fault, but you nonetheless developed searing guilt over the divorce. The new study conclusively demonstrates that your sense of shame and culpability are in fact perfectly justified.

Written by Thag

February 5, 2014 at 9:30 pm

Man On Day 2 Of Diet Disappointed With Results So Far

leave a comment »

evolutionary dietDecatur, Georgia (AP) – Local resident Glen Woods has been restricting his intake of fatty and sugary foods since Monday morning, and asserts that he remains unimpressed by his weight loss to date.

Woods, 38, had noticed in recent months that his waistline, belly, and backside regions had grown more ample than he remembered, and resolved to undertake a diet and exercise routine to help him drop the excess mass and volume. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

Wife Seems To Think Anniversary Happens Every Single Year

leave a comment »

anniversaryLansing, Michigan (AP) – Patrick Donovan, 34, reports that his wife Cheryl is under the impression that a wedding anniversary must be celebrated every year, despite the wedding occurring only once.

Mrs. Donovan, a receptionist at a medical practice, reportedly informed her husband last week that she had been wondering what the couple should do in honor of the date on which they had wed last year. Mr. Donovan, a manager of a retail clothing outlet, recalls that he sat in silence as he tried to comprehend what his wife was saying.

“She must have mistaken my quiet for thoughtfulness, because after about fifteen seconds she said, ‘I can tell you’re planning something special. Don’t tell me. I’d rather it be a surprise.’ I had no idea what she was talking about,” he said.

Donovan soon sent a text message to two or three friends who had been married longer, hoping they could shed light on his wife’s mysterious set of expectations. Doug Sheppard responded within minutes. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Thag

October 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm

Bizarre, Warped Man Looking Forward To Family Reunion

leave a comment »

Gary and MelissaWoodmere, NY (AP) – A local man who experts say must have a chemical imbalance of some sort has grown increasingly excited during recent weeks as a planned get-together with cousins, parents, and siblings approaches.

Gary Innes, 37, of North Woodmere, has inexplicably shown greater and greater eagerness since the reunion was finalized in July, and exhibits no signs of awareness that such a positive orientation toward one’s relatives is widely considered weird. According to several neighbors, Innes has repeatedly mentioned how happy he was to be able to see his older brother again, seemingly oblivious to the fact that older brothers, as a rule, are not supposed to be viewed in a positive light.

Similarly, his iterative mentions of getting together with his parents has sent waves of revulsion through this bedroom community, where, as in any normal place, parents are seen at best as a necessary evil, and at worst – and most commonly – as a neverending source of awkwardness and shame.

“He seems so normal, so harmless,” said a neighbor who requested anonymity to forestall any further strain in what will soon be a stilted, overly formal relationship, at least from her end. “What sort of traumatic, depraved childhood did this man have that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with feeling close to siblings and parents?” she wondered.

Indeed, says Stephen Strohmayer, a fellow member of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church in nearby Hewlett, the attachment and affection that Mr. Innes feels for family extends even to the unthinkable: he apparently has warm regard, even admiration, for his in-laws. “I just can’t wrap my head around it,” said Strohmayer, who has appealed to others within the parish to come together to find a way to set Innes straight.

Lucille Bergen, another church member, even attempted to offer support for Melissa, Gary’s wife, gently probing to see whether Melissa felt perplexed or confused by Gary’s easy relationship with her parents. “She looked at me like I was the one from Mars, not her,” recalled Bergen. “I’m afraid he’s got her brainwashed or something, and she doesn’t even want to live in reality anymore. She seems to think it’s preferable to live in a world where family members love one another,” concluded Bergen in disbelief.

Eyewitness accounts indicate the extent to which Gary’s freakish world view has affected Melissa. Reports from other relatives indicate that at Christmas dinner last year, Melissa was seen smiling easily and embracing Gary’s parents, and alcohol was not served. The most serious, severe disagreement of the evening involved a spirited, good-natured discussion of favorite TV shows from the 1980’s, in which Melissa touted the virtues of MacGyver and the Inneses stood by their choice of Cheers. Not a single arch comment about the former’s child-rearing choices, sartorial habits, cooking, or lifestyle choices was recorded.

“I know it must be eating her up inside, to have this grotesque, supportive dynamic with her in-laws,” says the neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous. “It must be a Stockholm Syndrome kind of thing, where she’s adopted Gary’s espousal of outlandish family ideas as a sort of defense mechanism so she doesn’t have to deal with the manifest wrongness of it all.”

Written by Thag

September 16, 2013 at 9:40 pm

Attractive Woman Angry At Being Ticketed Instead Of Let Go With Warning

with 2 comments

Nance, demonstrating the hair toss that inexplicably did not work on Trooper MacCarran.

Nance, demonstrating the hair toss that inexplicably did not work on Trooper MacCarran.

New Paltz, New York (AP) – Violet Nance, 26, of  Schenectady,  expressed her displeasure today at receiving an actual speeding ticket. All of Ms. Nance’s previous brushes with highway speed enforcement have resulted in a flirtatious exchange with the policeman or trooper, ending with the latter letting Ms. Nance off with just a warning.

Ms. Nance, a graduate student at the State University of New York at Albany-Rensselaer, was traveling north on Interstate 87 at 75 miles per hour, or ten mph over the speed limit, when State Trooper Scott MacCarran signaled her to pull over. Trooper MacCarran approached Nance’s 2013 Ford Focus ST and requested her license and registration.

According to Ms. Nance, she opened with a careless toss of the hair and a shy smile, her lustrous auburn locks almost obscuring one eye. Trooper MacCarran seemed not to react as she had expected, and proceeded to interrogate the driver regarding her speed.

Shifting social gears, Ms. Nance cocked her head to one side and laughed, a move that almost invariably causes men to smile and lose interest in everything but retaining her attention. Trooper MacCarran, however, seemed more professional than any other law enforcement official she has ever met.

“He was no-nonsense, all, ‘The speed limit is 65 here, ma’am,’ and ‘I’m going to write you a ticket.’ What the hell?” she said. “Since when does a guy ignore my looks and focus on something else?”

“Is it a training thing?” she wondered. “Do NY troopers have to go through some sort of romantic desensitization program? This changes everything!”

“What am I going to do?!” Nance exclaimed, noting that her adherence to the rules of the road has all but disappeared since she discovered, at age 16, that her looks would get her out of almost any trouble. Despite involvement in four accidents between ages 18 and 23, witnesses and law enforcement officials consistently sided with her even when the objective facts of each incident placed the fault squarely on Nance’s attractive shoulders.

The student also flirted her way out of six speeding tickets during both high school and undergraduate studies at SUNY Buffalo, where she led the cheerleading squad. On two separate occasions Ms. Nance used her wiles to secure a higher grade  from male professors than she deserved, taking care to wear tighter or more-revealing clothing then usual in preparation for those encounters.

At press time, Trooper MacCarran was returning home to New Paltz, where his husband had dinner waiting.

Written by Thag

July 21, 2013 at 2:16 pm

FYI, Ladies

with 3 comments

Guys

Written by Thag

May 21, 2013 at 2:08 pm

This Is Not a Comment on Your Weight, Honey, I Promise

with 5 comments

Bed

Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook and get free sarcastic compliments.

Written by Thag

January 25, 2013 at 12:39 pm

Couple in Failed Relationship Files for Marriage

with 4 comments

MALVERNE, NY (AP) – After three years of on-again, off-again dating, Hector Lopez and Maria Polkowski decided yesterday to put an end to their troublesome courtship, announcing a wedding date of December 31.

At a press conference on the steps of the city clerk’s office, Lopez, 41, and Polkowski, 39, explained that their decision involved a host of factors including their advancing ages, annual incomes, bathroom habits and the complete breakdown of both parties’ relationships with their respective parents. “Hector and I thought long and hard about this, “said Polkowski. “We shouted at each other every night for three weeks. I could have done more, but my vocal cords wouldn’t hold out.”

“A good thing, too,” added Lopez, “because she almost had me convinced it was time to dump that sad sack. But I took a good look in the mirror and asked myself if I’d really be better off with no one in my life to nag me for coming home drunk every day.”

The couple met in the waiting room at the dentist, when Lopez needed a root canal and Polkowski stopped in to deliver her back issues of Newsweek. The two struck up an awkward conversation, as Lopez’s pain prevented him from properly pronouncing most words. Polkowski made repeated unnecessary visits to Dr. Gertler’s practice on the off chance that Lopez would be there for further treatment. “I even took back issues of random magazines and supermarket circulars as an excuse,” she confessed. The dentist agreed to put them in touch, and the pair soon discovered shared interests in Kenny G, UFOs and gambling addiction support groups.

However, Lopez’s financial situation worsened after he was laid off from his pizza delivery job, and the instability threatened his relationship with Polkowski. The relationship petered out after several months, or so they thought: the two wound up on opposing sides of a car accident several months later, and the romance was rekindled. The next two years saw a cycle of co-dependence and enabling of destructive behaviors, primarily Lopez’s drinking and Polkowski’s addiction to daytime soap operas.

At the press conference, Lopez declined to specify how he intends to address the challenges of marriage. “It’s like playing house. I’ve played house before. It’s even more fun when you’ve had a few beers. So that’ll be what we do. Maria, isn’t that what Jack did on The Young and the Restless? Maria? Hello?”

At press time, Polkowski was unavailable, as press time coincides with the opening credits of The Bold and the Beautiful.

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, where every successful relationship is just a failed disaster.

Written by Thag

November 28, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I Think This Means We’re Supposed to Postdate the Gift Check

with 6 comments

Please Like Mightier then the Pen on Facebook, where, rest assured, you will never have to attend a Picklehonker-Sweathouse wedding.

Written by Thag

November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Classic Thag, October 2010: Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Eve?

leave a comment »

Image

Originally published 21 October 2010

My dearest love,

You know I would never leave you. Nor would I introduce a letter to you with that idea, thereby calling to mind the dreaded possibility of our relationship’s end. Far be it from me to frighten you so. I so adore you, the very idea of somehow diminishing or ceasing that adoration is something I could only mention if it were possible for me to consider, and you can see how that remains inconceivable.

As a token of my undying affection for you, I have enclosed a handful of dried grass: just as the grass will remain in its undisturbed state, so too will my love for you obtain until our last physical vestiges are turned to compost by the soil’s bacteria. You will also find in this carefully wrapped parcel of my love two further tokens of my devotion: a painstakingly preserved specimen of camel excrement from the sands of sun-baked Arabia, and the plaster cast of a Tibetan monk’s amputated left leg. The camel dung expresses as nothing else can the hope I have for the growth we can foster in this relationship; the cast, the distance I am willing to journey to be by your side even if you should ever become mute, lame and alien.

ImageBe not perturbed, my angel, by rumors of dalliances or liaisons in my past or present; they are but distractions in this cesspool of powerful passion, and as false or irrelevant as a slug crawling through a rotting llama carcass, which slugs do not do. I would do so for you, however. In fact, darling, I did so not minutes ago as I prepared to write this letter, just knowing what such a display of dedication to you it constitutes. I shudder with excitement from your reaction to the thought that I wallowed in that muck immediately proximate to the loving caresses I gave this paper before sending it your way.

So be strong, love, and write back if possible. I shall rush to be by your sanitorium bedside as soon as circumstances permit.

All my love,

Thag

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, and we will not leave a rotting llama carcass in your sink.

Written by Thag

August 23, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Guy-Speak, Translated

leave a comment »

Based on a sincere, heartfelt request in a comment from this post.

Image

Written by Thag

May 3, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Classic Thag, November 2011: Blog Yourself into Relationship Oblivion

leave a comment »

Written by Thag

April 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

You Are Cordially Invited to Ruin Our Wedding

with 9 comments

Written by Thag

February 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm

And at 7:15, I Plan to Burp Loudly

with 2 comments

Written by Thag

January 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm

J-Date Launches New Loser-Friendly Interface

with one comment

Singles networking powerhouse JDate introduced a major site overhaul this week to afford losers a less unpleasant online experience. Mark Stein, a spokesman for Sparks Networks, PLC, which owns JDate, announced the change at a press conference in New York on Monday. JDate currently boasts approximately 450,000 members.

Until now, losers were subject to the same standards as other network members, such as the posting of a personal photo and indicating various aspects of Jewish practice, if any. That left losers in the uncomfortable position of actually posting photos of themselves on their profiles. According to Stein, many losers wound up without accurate photos. “We found that a full quarter of losers carried the handicap of no usable photo, for any number of reasons; the most prominent among the factors were the shame regarding their appearance, the unavailability of photos that did not show the loser without some food all over their face and front, and the inability of most losers to handle the simple upload process.”

The new layout will allow a joining member to decline the photo upload option, whereupon a sophisticated algorithm will divine from the rest of the profile data whether the applicant is a loser. If the answer is no, the applicant will receive a polite e-mail recommending the upload as soon as possible to enhance the member’s chances of having their profile viewed in a favorable light. If the algorithm determines that the applicant is a loser, then the joining member’s interactions will be restricted to other similarly classified members, and no mention of the photo will occur again.

“This new format affords members the double benefit of automatically relegating losers to a separate area of the site, and let’s face it, everyone wants that,” continued Stein. “Non-losers will save time, being finally relieved of the need to sift through loser after loser, and losers will be relieved of the pressure inherent in having to interact with normal, healthy seekers.”

Additionally, before the change, losers were also expected to indicate their level of Jewish practice or affiliation. This proved a challenged to many of them, according to Stein, because losers tend not to be certain or aware enough to provide usable data. The new format forgoes this set of points entirely, with the rationale that losers will more readily accept companionship from anyone, as their social situation is far more desperate than that of non-losers.

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Recently divorced father of two Jake Schwartz, a new member, has found that the number of potential companions has dropped significantly since last week. “I had all these options before – it seemed that not only were there other fish in the sea, but that there were schools and schools of them. Now I could probably exhaust my standard-issue flirt messages within a few days.” He conceded that it is still too early to judge the new system.

Aspiring therapeutic touch practitioner Sandra Bierman disagrees. “The exact opposite happened to me. I didn’t have a photo with the right vibes – everything was in bad-omen colors – so I declined the photo option, look!”  she gestured at her profile page, “forty thousand potential mates with the same sensibilities!”

Other dating sites are studying the results of JDate’s move with excitement. “We see JDate’s niche audience as a excellent medium for this kind of experiment,” said James Lowenstein of eHarmony, in an e-mail message. “We’re interested in how this turns out for JDate, because that kind of granular data is invaluable in the online dating business.”

Stein, the JDate spokesman, declined to provide data on the number or percentage of losers in the JDate membership, but this reporter declined to submit a photo and enjoys the virtual company of more than 400,000 other JDate users.

Written by Thag

December 26, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Couple in Failed Relationship Files for Marriage

with 2 comments

The press conference at the city clerk's office. From left: Elizabeth, Walter, Albert, Chrissy, Buford, Glenda, Rebecca and Jake. Not shown: Michael (Forgetty Images).

MALVERNE, NY (AP) – After three years of on-again, off-again dating, Hector Lopez and Maria Polkowski decided yesterday to put an end to their troublesome courtship, announcing a wedding date of December 31.

At a press conference on the steps of the city clerk’s office, Lopez, 41, and Polkowski, 39, explained that their decision involved a host of factors including their advancing ages, annual incomes, bathroom habits and the complete breakdown of both parties’ relationships with their respective parents. “Hector and I thought long and hard about this, “said Polkowski. “We shouted at each other every night for three weeks. I could have done more, but my vocal cords wouldn’t hold out.”

“A good thing, too,” added Lopez, “because she almost had me convinced it was time to dump that sad sack. But I took a good look in the mirror and asked myself if I’d really be better off with no one in my life to nag me for coming home drunk every day.”

Kenny G's soprano saxophone (UTI).

The couple met in the waiting room at the dentist, when Lopez needed a root canal and Polkowski stopped in to deliver her back issues of Newsweek. The two struck up an awkward conversation, as Lopez’s pain prevented him from properly pronouncing most words. Polkowski made repeated unnecessary visits to Dr. Gertler’s practice on the off chance that Lopez would be there for further treatment. “I even took back issues of random magazines and supermarket circulars as an excuse,” she confessed. The dentist agreed to put them in touch, and the pair soon discovered shared interests in Kenny G, UFOs and gambling addiction support groups.

However, Lopez’s financial situation worsened after he was laid off from his pizza delivery job, and the instability threatened his relationship with Polkowski. The relationship petered out after several months, or so they thought: the two wound up on opposing sides of a car accident several months later, and the romance was rekindled. The next two years saw a cycle of co-dependence and enabling of destructive behaviors, primarily Lopez’s drinking and Polkowski’s addiction to daytime soap operas.

We cannot believe we actually searched Google Images for this. Now we need a shower (ASAP).

At the press conference, Lopez declined to specify how he intends to address the challenges of marriage. “It’s like playing house. I’ve played house before. It’s even more fun when you’ve had a few beers. So that’ll be what we do. Maria, isn’t that what Jack did on The Young and the Restless? Maria? Hello?”

At press time, Polkowski was unavailable, as press time coincides with the opening credits of The Bold and the Beautiful.

Written by Thag

December 10, 2011 at 11:36 pm

It’s No Wonder the Y Chromosome Is So Much Smaller

with 5 comments

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, and get your mind out of the *yawn* gutter.

Written by Thag

December 3, 2011 at 8:20 pm

More Guy-Bashing. It Just Doesn’t Get Old.

with 7 comments

Stimulus

Good Response

Typical Guy Response

Ultra-Guy Response

“Does this dress make me look fat?”

Take her in your arms and kiss her passionately.

“No! Of course not!” (She knows you’re lying, you jerk.)

“The dress doesn’t make you look fat; all the flab on your body makes you look fat.”

Crying lover

Say nothing, but make sure she knows you’re with her. If she feels like saying anything, indicate only that you’re listening intently.

“Jesus. What the hell happened to you?”

“What’s this? Where the &@#$ is my dinner?”

Another driver cuts you off in traffic, in the presence of a woman

Shake your head at the stupidity of other people and move on.

Shout obscenities at the other driver.

Cut off the other driver repeatedly in retaliation, since failing to react thus can only mean you have a small penis.

Your child has a soiled diaper

Immediately change the child’s diaper

Pretend not to notice the soiled diaper, gambling that eventually your better half will stop whatever she’s doing and take care of it.

“Yo! Honey! The kid’s filthy, and I can’t concentrate on the game!”

Child wakes up crying in the middle of the night

“Is that the baby? I’ll go get her.”

“Your turn.”

“I’m trying to sleep here. You think you could sing her to sleep somewhere else?”

You finish almost all the milk in the carton, leaving only a few drops

Drink the rest and dispose of the empty carton; determine necessity of buying more milk.

Return practically useless carton to refrigerator.

Leave carton out, causing milk to spoil and stink up the place.

Beer supply depleted

Buy more beer.

Casually mention lack of beer to significant other.

Complain loudly about the kind of woman who would let the beer run out.

New kind of gadget comes out

Dismiss urge to buy product Right Now.

Go out and buy product Right Now

“A book for my birthday? What the hell?”

Your favorite team makes it to the playoffs

Gratitude to the franchise for representing you so well

“Woohoo! [rival team] sucks!”

Snag tickets for you and the guys to a game that happens to be scheduled for her birthday.

Your approaching anniversary

A romantic but tasteful  evening out

Ooh! Thanks for reminding me!

My what?

Written by Thag

November 9, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Take This Pregnancy and Childbirth Quiz, Then Go Throw Up Again

with 13 comments

1. Which is the most appropriate verbal reaction to discovering a female friend is pregnant?
(a) “Ooooooh – was it an accident?”
(b) “Well no wonder you look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem.”
(c) “My sister knows someone whose cousin was carrying twins, but she had a case of food poisoning and miscarried and sank into a suicidal depression, but thank God they were able to pump her stomach and get all the barbiturates out in time.”
(d) “Goddamn breeders.”

2. The 20th-week ultrasound procedure is meant to:
(a) Give the parents the opportunity to agonize over whether they should find out the baby’s sex.
(b) Give the ultrasound technicians the opportunity to yank the chains of the anxious parents.
(c) Provide yet another source of material for the expectant parents to share ad nauseam with absolutely anyone who might seem to be listening to every last excruciating detail of the developing fetus’s epic journey.
(d) Force the mother to take time off from work to undergo the procedure, as a harbinger of the much more daunting family vs. career decisions that await her a few months down the line.

3. Morning sickness:
(a) Is all in the woman’s head. Yeesh. Women.
(b) Was named by an insensitive clod who thought his wife vomited her guts out only in the morning, as he only saw her in the morning  since he was working late and carousing with his buddies until all hours after work.
(c) Lasts only through part of the second trimester, unless it decides to stick around THROUGH THE WHOLE %$#@! PREGNANCY! WHY ME, LORD, WHY ME?! WHY CAN’T I FEEL NORMAL FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES AT A TIME?!
(d) Disappears entirely after the child is born, to be replaced by sleepless nights, cracked nipples, breast infections and tension in relationship with your husband as you both discover how difficult and uncomfortable your previous level of intimacy will become, breeding enough resentment and mutual recriminations to support a bevy of marriage counselors for years to come.

4. What is the function of the placenta?
(a) To make the delivery room cleanup staff earn their pay.
(b) A post-partum entree.
(c) To gross out the supposedly stoic, unflappable father.
(d) To offer hippie idiots another wonderful idea for a baby name.

5. The baby’s temperament is determined by:
(a) Choosing exactly the right kind of yoga and listening to exactly the right kind of music and eating exactly the right kinds of foods during pregnancy.
(b) How assiduously the parents threaten the newborn during the first few weeks.
(c) The parents’ Adjusted Gross Income.
(d) Whether it belongs to you or someone else. If to someone else, it will be an absolute angel; if to you, Satan incarnate.

6. What is the best way to minimize the difficulties of labor and delivery?
(a) Lamaze classes that primarily teach you exactly when to demand an epidural.
(b) Breathing exercises. See, if you breathe just so, you’ll forget how humiliating and endless your childbirth experience is becoming. Don’t believe me? I can’t imagine why not.
(c) Pay the servants to have the contractions for you.
(d) Birth control.

7. Many women find that pregnancy affects their memory. What is a pregnant woman likely to forget?
(a) Why the hell she ever consented to this.
(b) Where all the clothes that fit her have gone.
(c) What non-swollen ankles feel like.
(d) What her feet look like.

8. What is the most common reaction of strangers to encountering a pregnant woman?
(a) To reach out and touch the pregnant belly, as if it’s perfectly OK to touch someone else’s body without permission.
(b) To pretend not to notice her, thus successfully overcoming social pressure to offer her a seat on a crowded bus or train.
(c)  “My sister knows someone whose cousin was carrying twins, but she had a case of food poisoning and miscarried and sank into a suicidal depression, but thank God they were able to pump her stomach and get all the barbiturates out in time.”
(d) Wise-ass comments.

9. Maternity clothes:
(a) Fit the models very nicely, but apparently no other pregnant woman in the world is shaped like you, so good luck finding stuff that fits.
(b) Are just fat-people clothes with higher prices and fancier names.
(c) Basically shout, “Look at me, I’m gestating and gaining an obscene amount of mass! I can’t imagine anyone who WOULDN’T want to call attention to herself in such a manner!”
(d) Might be nice, but I’d rather have enough money to pay the rent.

Written by Thag

November 1, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Advocates Rally in Support of Marriage for Stupid People

with 2 comments

NEW YORK (AP) – A coalition of advocates for the rights of stupid Americans gathered in Lower Manhattan this afternoon to demand equal rights. Police estimated attendance at 8,000.

A rally in support of stupid marriage attracted about 8,000 protesters, some of whom didn't realize where they were.

 

In the midst of a nationwide trend of states legalizing marriage for stupid people, New York State has become the latest battleground. Opponents of the upcoming ballot measure have brought increasing political pressure to bear on representatives in Albany, threatening to withdraw future campaign support of incumbents who vote to legalize stupid marriage.

Scott Dorker, President of New Jersey-based DOOFUS (Dumb Organization Of Friggin’ Useless Schmucks), addressed the assembled crowd of supporters, vowing to continue fighting “until every last stupid person in America can enjoy the civil rights and privileges that have been, for far too long, available only to, uh, those, uh, the smarts.”

Nearby, a smaller demonstration of opponents called for the stupid to stop imposing their lifestyle on the American public scene. “Intelligence is a personal choice,” explained Percy Donnelly, a stupid-rights opponent from Boston. “Anyone can decide on their orientation toward knowledge. Myriad organizations exist dedicated to the transformation of stupid people into productive, intelligent, happy Americans,” he continued, referring to public and private school systems as well as post-secondary and graduate programs that millions of Americans attend annually.

The internet has demonstrated the pervasiveness of stupidity, according to Miranda McDope, CLOD spokesperson.

Many experts have cast doubt on the efficacy of such programs, citing government statistics. “Despite more than a hundred years of compulsory public education in this country, tens of millions of Americans remain hopelessly stupid,” said Miranda McDope, a spokesperson for CLOD, the Committee to Legalize Our Dumbness, in a recent interview. As evidence, she pointed to the popularity of Reality Television, supermarket tabloids, Barbie dolls, entire web sites dedicated to LOLcats, and to such phenomena as people buying apparel specifically because it prominently features the name of an athletic equipment manufacturer, an act that basically involves paying that company for the privilege of advertising for it. McDope called for government programs to alleviate or eliminate the social stigma attached to being stupid.

Speakers at the rally in support of stupid rights cited numerous examples of openly stupid historical figures who achieved great professional or personal success, chief among them former President George W. Bush. “Mr. Bush is Exhibit A in the case for continued pursuit of our goal,” exhorted Rodney Mouthful, a prominent activist from Mahwah, New Jersey. “Despite a stupid-American holding the nation’s highest elected office for eight years, we still suffer rampant discrimination and extreme difficulty navigating the Florida election ballot.”

Opponents of the movement have remained steadfast in their positions, however. Attendees at the counter-demonstration held placards touting the definition of marriage as “one intelligent man and one intelligent woman” and called that definition sacrosanct. “Any attempt to redefine marriage to include stupid people constitutes an affront to God,” said Pastor Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist known for his blunt rhetoric. “Such an attempt essentially says the stupid should have the right to reproduce, and look where that’s gotten us so far,” he continued, holding up a large photograph of the British royal family. “What will I tell my children?”

A CBS News survey found last week that only about five percent of the population could respond properly to the survey. The poll had a margin of error of plus or minus some number or other.

Written by Thag

October 22, 2011 at 9:15 pm

The Grueling Schedule of the Tobacco Executive

leave a comment »

Time

Event

7:00 AM

Wake to the sound of a live string quartet serenading me with Mozart; find breakfast tray and newspaper waiting at bedside; note, with satisfaction, steady rise in company’s stock price; summon team to shave and otherwise administer morning hygiene.

7:45 AM

Send away member of harem after receiving daily “greeting”; select from vast wardrobe of dark blue double-breasted suits.

7:52 AM

Consult with fashion consultant on positioning of tie; reprimand valet for neglecting to keep every pair of shoes properly aligned.

7: 53 AM

Martini

8:00 AM

Begin limousine ride to corporate offices; conduct stiffly polite phone conversation with wife and daughter on Paris shopping trip, or perhaps yachting trip along the Riviera – I forget which.

8:32 AM

Wonder aloud to chauffeur what can be done about all those other people on the road, whose cars spew such awful smoke.

8:35 AM

Take elevator directly to top-floor office.

8:36 AM

Martini

8:45 AM

Greeting ritual from harem member.

8:46 AM

Practice with putter on custom indoor green.

9:30 AM

Martini

9:35 AM

Shareholder meeting. Agenda: vote on proposed sale of US Senator (R-NC) to auto industry lobby; presentation of new line of slim cigarettes for anorexics; results of focus group research on ad campaign to portray governmental regulation of free enterprise as slightly to the right of Hitler and slightly to the left of Stalin.

11:00 AM

Martini

11:07 AM

Observe focus group session – Can Dora the Explorer be made to seem even more appealing by having a cigarette in her mouth all the time?

11:40 AM

Martini

11:50 AM

Trip down the rabbit hole to meet Tobacco Institute scientists.

12:45 PM

Three-martini lunch with members of harem, assorted sycophants, lobster.

2:00 PM

Stock price update.

2:04 PM

Call to broker; accept lavishing of gratitude upon my being.

2:15 PM

Receive word from secretary that US Senator (R-VA) has arrived as scheduled; resume putter practice.

3:00 PM

Deign to see Senator; issue instructions.

3:06 PM

Martini

3:15 PM

Phone negotiations over impending purchase of major sports franchise; demur at rejection of stipulated name change to match that of my company.

3:40 PM

Martini; further harem greeting rituals.

4:00 PM

Dash off memo detailing tasks for underlings to achieve by the end of the work day or 10:00 PM, whichever is later, with emphasis on putting green maintenance.

4:03 PM

Private concert with promising young cellist/harem candidate

5:00 PM

Review sales figures; conclude that China is the best emerging market for products that cause cancer, emphysema, heart disease and birth defects.

5:35 PM

Board helicopter for brief visit to cultural institution to preside over some stupid cookie-cutter ceremony benefitting from my company’s largesse, yadda yadda yadda.

6:30 PM

Accompany select harem members to private suite at sporting event; remain long enough to be seen on national TV

7:15 PM

Restaurant dinner with broker, interior designer of home’s new South Asia wing, harem members on loan from other executives.

9:30 PM

Martini

9:38 PM

Stock price update.

9:40 PM

Martini

10:00 PM

Bedtime harem ritual.

10:06 PM

Blissful, morally pure slumber.

A Fifth (Advice) Column

leave a comment »

Dear Thag:

I am writing a political screed that includes a threat to assassinate the President. Which of the following formulations is preferable?

“If Obama dares to show his face anywhere near Idaho, we Free Earth patriots will be ready to show him the quickest way to Hell.”

or

“If Obama dare’s to show his face anywhere near Idaho, we Free Earth patriot’s will be ready to show him the quickest way to hell.”

Anonymous in the Northwest

Dear Animus:

You’re best off going with the second option – not because it’s correct, but because you stand less of a risk of being hunted down by the authorities if the authorities read your screed and dismiss it as the ravings of an ignoramus.

Thag

___________________________________

Dear Thag:

Can you please explain the difference between “just between you and me” and “just between you and I”?

Confused

Dear Concussed:

Use “just between you and me” when you wish to inform the person to whom you speak that the information you are about to divulge must not be shared any further. Use “just between you and I” when you wish to inform the person to whom you speak that you are too stupid to know the difference between “I” and “me” in a sentence.

Thag

___________________________________

Dear Thag:

When I want to come off as more sophisticated than I actually am, I pepper my speech with all sorts of Latin phrases. What would be a good Latin phrase that conveys exactly what makes me superior to the people around me?

Pompeiius

Dear Pompous:

The phrase you are looking for is “merdum equus”. The best way to use it is to find a way to casually drop the following sentences into your conversations: “I am naturally well endowed with merdum equus.”

Thag

_____________________________________

Dear Thag:

I want to make sure everything is just right when I propose to my girlfriend. When I get down on one knee on the Bedford-Stuyvesant subway platform and present her with the ostentatiously expensive diamond ring at two a.m. – our special time – I want it to come out perfect. What words should I use?

Romeo

Dear Dumbo:

The words are one thing; the venue is an entirely different story. You might want to explore the possibility of putting yourself in a vulnerable position in a more suitable place at that hour, such as Morningside Park. Alternatively, since you’ve demonstrated with the ring that money is no object, a cruise to Gaza City. I understand getting in there can be tough if you don’t know the right people. I recommend brute force against the Israeli naval commando bouncers as a way to demonstrate your determination and love.

Once you’ve gone through with arranging matters, the proper words are any that can be said without teeth.

Thag

_____________________________________

Dear Thag:

My mother always tells me, “‘Aint’ ain’t in the dictionary.” But I just looked in a bunch of dictionaries, and there it is. She told me to ask if the dictionaries are wrong, or if she is right?

Betty

Dear Beaten:

You’ve written to the right person. I have vast experience in both language and parenting, and I can tell you without hesitation that your mother is right.

Most dictionaries are “descriptive,” which means they simply record what people are saying, not what real English is supposed to look or sound like. So the dictionary might tell you that “cock” means something vulgar, but in fact all it means is a rooster – just that some vulgar people started misusing the word. Feel free to bandy it about, knowing you’re using the word properly, as in, “My father keeps his cock hidden and takes it out when he wants to surprise my mother.”

The same idea applies to “fagot” (bundle of sticks) and “tit” (a kind of bird).

Thag

Ask Thag, and You’re Asking for It.

leave a comment »

It’s time for another edition of Ask Thag, the only information and advice column ever to earn the Nasty, Brutish and Short Award for Achievements in Alienation.

Dear Thag:

Why does water go down the drain in a swirly pattern?

Jake, age 7, Chattanooga, TN

Dear Jake:

It goes down that way because your drain is not clogged. Judging from the plumbing in my house, drains are supposed to be clogged, and proper disposal of liquid waste is accomplished by dumping the offending material in the neighbor’s yard when she’s not looking. Ideally, you should choose a neighbor who gets upset at you for doing normal things, such as retrieving a ball that happens to land on her lawn, but any neighbor will do.

If your drains continue to operate in the unusual swirly fashion, stuff as much hair and wadded toilet paper in them as possible.

___________________________________

Dear Thag:

Whenever I ask my husband to do something, he says he will, but either doesn’t do it or waits a long time before doing it, and I feel disregarded. How can I make sure he realizes how much it bothers me without seeming petty, controlling or ignorant of his needs?

Frustrated in Coral Gables

Dear Frustrated:

I don’t give this advice to everyone, so I beseech readers not to interpret it as appropriate for their relationships; it’s only for you, Frustrated.

I happen to know your husband. Sandy hair, about five-ten, medium build, fondness for cheesesteak? Name’s Gordon, goes by Gordo? Yeah, we’ve met. Trust me: this guy needs to be hit over the head with it or he’ll never get it. The first dozen or so times you ask him to do something, such as putting away laundry, literally hit him over the head with a raw chicken (not frozen, please), as you admonish him to take care of the task immediately.

As for the rest of you out there wondering whether anything like this would work in your marriages, please do not try this. I know Gordo. If your husband happens to be named Gordo and you have a similar difficulty in your relationship but you are not the Frustrated who sought my input here, you can go right ahead, but I hereby divest myself of all responsibility.

________________________________________

Dear Thag:

Whenever I put my car in reverse to leave my garage, I can’t get it to proceed until I jam down the accelerator, which sometimes means speeding out into the street at dangerous speeds. What does this mean?

Mystified in Portland

Dear Mystified:

It means it’s time for you to find Rover a better place to sleep.

___________________________________________

Dear Thag:

What wine goes best with anchovy pizza? My wife insists on port, while I favor sherry. Who is right?

Thirsty

Dear Thirsty:

I’m happy you asked, because it gives me a chance to use my new keyboard. See, I just puked all over the old one and it no longer works. Thank you.

_____________________________________

Dear Thag:

Where do babies come from?

Sadie, age 5, Augusta

Dear Sadie:

Before I give you a direct answer, I must call out your parents for punting on this one. When you asked them, they decided to foist the burden onto me instead of assuming their parental responsibility. For some reason, on this sensitive point, which demands discretion and trust, they wish to cede control to a complete stranger with a reputation for pranks and malice toward all.

Sadie, babies come from several possible places depending on what kind of babies they are. White Christian babies come from God and are delivered by storks. Black and Arab babies are formed from the droppings of apes and camels, and East Asian babies – the kind with slanty eyes – grow in rice paddies. Hispanic babies might come from God, but no one knows because they’re too busy killing each other over soccer or drugs, or because they’re too busy sneaking into the United States to take away jobs from real people. Jewish babies aren’t really babies at all – they’re just miniature capitalists designed to pounce on your money when your guard is down.

_______________________________

Dear Thag:

I take issue with your answer to Squeezed in Scranton, who feels sandwiched between caring for an ailing husband and aging parents. You recommended she make an appointment with a financial adviser, then rob him blind in order to finance caregivers for her family members and give herself a well-deserved vacation in the Bahamas.

I am a financial adviser, and take offense at the implication that we all have enough money for such things. I struggle to make ends meet, as opposed to some of my clients, who don’t have to think twice about installing another Jacuzzi in their Gulfstreams.

PO’d in Peoria

Dear PO’d:

Thank you for your input. It is only when we see clearly through the haze of facts and perceive the important elements that we are in a position to help others.

Written by Thag

September 8, 2011 at 2:38 pm