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Posts Tagged ‘Jews

Tehran to Hold Blood Libel Contest

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IranTehran, Islamic Republic of Iran, 7 June (Reuters) – Outgoing President of Iran Mahmoud Ahamdinejad announced today that his government will hold an international competition in the creation of nefarious accusations against Jews.

Already a leader in the field of scapegoating Zionists and Jews for every conceivable evil and several inconceivable ones, the republic has scheduled a conference in September to showcase “the most creative syntheses of statements regarding the crimes of the Zionists and the Jewish pig-dogs throughout the ages,” according to a statement released by the President’s office.

The government of Iran has maintained a hostile posture toward Israel since the establishment of the Islamic Republic in 1979. Although officially the country has no enmity for Jews in general, the line between anti-Zionism and antisemitism often gets blurred, and the small Jewish community in Iran risks persecution of it does not toe the government line. Blood libels – most famously the idea that Jews use the blood of a murdered gentile, often a child, in their annual production of unleavened bread for Passover – have retained traction in the Muslim world despite hundreds of years since the last accusation of that nature was taken seriously elsewhere.

The conference will focus on integrating a number of prominent allegations against Jews, but panel discussions will be conducted, and journal papers accepted, on more marginal or less well-known theories.

The former category includes such venerable accusations as the infamous blood libel, as well as that of Jews killing Jesus, even though the vast majority of Christians no longer see Jews as collectively responsible for his crucifixion. It also features the conspiracy theory that the Holocaust was a hoax perpetrated by Jews to generate sympathy for the Zionist cause and to bilk a defeated Germany of reparation funds.

Also of notable prominence is the oft-heard claim that Jews control international banking, entertainment, and the media, and that their outsize political influence extends to effective control of entire Western governments. Though long proven a forgery perpetrated by the Russian Czar’s secret police, The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion has long been accepted as truth in Muslim circles, as it conveniently dovetails with efforts to paint Jews and Zionists as bent on world domination.

But other, lesser-known accusations will be given several sessions of their own at the four-day conference. The organizers have already engaged both noted and more obscure proponents of various theories.

One such accusation involves a peculiar variation on Nazi racial theory that sees Jews as genetically distinct and harmful to the rest of humanity. The variation holds that Jews are actually an extraterrestrial alien race, and that the Raelian movement is one way in which they plan to subjugate and enslave the entire human population.

Several researchers have already submitted papers for consideration, but the committee that will review them has yet to be finalized. One professor in Tehran, who has declined to be identified, wrote of the difficulty in reconciling the nefariousness, cunning, and near-mystical manipulative abilities of the Jews with the fact that Israel, the one part of the world where the Jews would seem to exercise more control than anywhere, was established in the one place on Earth completely lacking in significant oil or other natural resources, and is perpetually on the verge of drought. He attributes this datum to an even deeper level of nefariousness than previously suspected: that it is a ploy to divert the world’s attention from the true evil intent of the Zionist enterprise.

The paper poses, but does not attempt to address, the difficulty in explaining the nefariousness of a secret plot continually exposed and discussed by its opponents.

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Written by Thag

June 7, 2013 at 6:07 pm

Egypt Invites Jews Back as Slaves for Old Times’ Sake

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Pharaoh Ramses II - uh, we mean Egyptian President Muhammad Morsi.

Pharaoh Ramses II – uh, we mean Egyptian President Muhammad Morsi.

Cairo, Egypt (AP) – Embattled Egyptian President Muhammad Morsi took time today to extend an olive branch of sorts to Jews throughout the world, inviting them to return to his country to assume once again the social status they had there several millennia ago.

“We look forward to welcoming back the descendants of the ancient Hebrews to occupy the niche they filled so well all those years ago,” read a statement by Morsi. “We would also like to conduct a thorough reckoning of the possessions that the departing Israelites ostensibly ‘borrowed’ from their Egyptian neighbors and have yet to return.”

Jewish lore records Egypt as the venue of a formative stage in the development of the Israelite nation, namely their centuries of subjugation and oppression at the hands of the Egyptians in the second millennium before the Common Era. The period of Israelite residence in Egypt began innocently enough, with Jacob’s offspring rising to prominence and flourishing. Soon, however, the Egyptian ruling class saw them as a threat and levied increasingly oppressive taxes and workloads on the emerging Hebrew people. The enslavement ended after ten plagues were visited on Egypt by the Israelite deity, and the newly liberated nation despoiled Egypt as the relieved host nation welcomed their departure.

The Egyptian model has served other societies that played host to the descendants of the Israelites. Most recently, Nazi Germany adopted a swift program of segregation, oppression, enslavement and extermination of Jews following centuries of significant Jewish contribution to German culture, society, industry and scientific achievement. In fifteenth-century Spain, the once-tolerant kingdoms adopted a progressively more hostile attitude, culminating in the expulsion of all openly practicing Jews in 1492, followed by a similar move by Portugal in 1497. Jews had contributed positively to Iberian society, culture and politics since at least the tenth century.

Many analysts see Morsi’s move as a two-pronged strategy. “Of course he wants to take some of the heat off himself,” said Nate Thenlever, a fellow with the Brookings Institution, a think-tank. “Egypt is convulsing with political unrest right now. And if the President can reestablish the existence of a slave class to serve the rest of Egyptian society, that will relieve a good bit of the economic and social underpinnings of the revolution.”

Jews worldwide have responded with confusion to the overture. “Huh?” said Moshe Cohen, 75, of Ramat Gan, Israel. “My family was kicked out of Egypt after the 1967 war and had all our assets confiscated. Is Morsi going to give them back?” When informed that the Egyptian President intends to take even more from Jews, Cohen muttered a phrase from the Passover Haggadah about being oppressed in every generation yet surviving.

Egypt and southern Israel have been blanketed this week by swarms of locusts, the eighth of the ten plagues.

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Written by Thag

March 14, 2013 at 9:50 pm

Jesus At Second Coming: ‘What Are All These Goyim Doing Here?’

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GoyimJerusalem, Israel (AP) – Jesus of Nazareth, proclaimed the King Messiah by his followers and a spiritual guide to nearly two billion people, after returning as promised, expressed dismay this week at the nearly absolute non-Jewishness of those who venerate him.

“You…you’re all goyim,” he said, using the Hebrew word for “the nations,” referring to those who do not follow the Jewish faith. “What does any of this have to do with you? What business of this is yours? Oy gevalt, what have you people been doing the last two thousand years?” he said to a number of apostles, who shrank from Jesus in obvious shame. “Who’s the putzhead who got the brilliant idea to take this thing and turn it into a sheygetz convention?” he yelled, using a derogatory Yiddish word for gentile.

The son of God glared at a fig tree and caused it to wither. “Are you people meshuggeh?” he continued in growing rage. “I need all these shkotzim like I need more holes in my hands and feet!” he fumed. “Such a shanda for the…those other people.”

But matters only got worse when Jesus discovered that he has been worshiped in ways that the Bible specifically calls abominations, such as being depicted in graven images. Beholding the statues, paintings and sculptures that account for much of medieval and renaissance art, he flew into a fury, lashing into his followers with fierce invective.

“What schmuck thought it would be OK to completely disregard explicit prohibitions, I’d like to know,” Christ was heard to whisper menacingly. His gaze caused the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to peel and several Raphael classics to turn to dust. “The tuchus-for-brains who think it’s just fine to ignore ‘A graven image or molten statue you shall not make’ has got another think coming,” he added, his tone rising.

“It takes a special sort of shmendrick not to realize that it all comes down to money and power,” continued Jesus in crescendo. “I devote my earthly life to fighting against the abuses of wealth and power all around me, and my self-proclaimed representatives on Earth devote themselves to amassing assets and endorsing politicians whose idea of public service makes Pontius Pilate look like a veritable zieskind!” shouted Christ, calling the man who ordered his execution a sweetheart by comparison. A 8.2-magnitude earthquake struck Rome.

"...and that twisted loaf seems fishy."

“…and that twisted loaf seems fishy.”

The level of Christ’s anger increased even further when he discovered that the Roman Catholic Church had for decades protected abusive priests instead of caring for their victims, and that the same Church had shown only lukewarm opposition to systematic Nazi deportation and extermination of Jews and others during the Second World War. “I sacrifice myself for you, and you don’t even have the courage to maybe stick your little neck out a little from time to time. No, that’s all right, don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here and die for your sins. You go right ahead and keep tolerating evil.” A sinkhole appeared across Europe, taking with it most of Germany, Austria, Poland, Ukraine and Lithuania.

“This is what happens when you put a bunch of goyim in charge of a Jewish endeavor! I lay my life down for all of you and what do I have to show for it? Bupkis! Gornisht! I could plotz!” said Jesus, as flaming hailstones struck ornate, historic cathedrals in Turkey, France, New York and Britain, reducing them to rubble and incinerating the gold, jewels and priceless masterpieces contained within.

At press time, Pope Benedict XVI was planning a fundraising drive for reconstruction of Church properties damaged in the earthquake.

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Written by Thag

January 3, 2013 at 3:37 pm

Classic Thag, June 2011: Some of My Best Friends Are Bigots

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circumcised bananaJack, this is just amateurish. No one goes for old-fashioned antisemitism anymore.

It’s one thing to couch your Jew-hatred in terms of Zionism; we all do that. But if you want to keep those hymies from moving into this neighborhood in greater numbers, you’re going to need some arguments more sophisticated than Jewish control of the media. That’s not gonna play in Peoria. Besides, Peoria already has an established Jewish presence, so you have to rethink your whole approach.

What you need to do is find some issue that really bothers the people around here, and then develop some approach that somehow links Jews with the dark side of that issue – but you have to make sure it’s not aJewish issue, or the antisemitism is too obvious. It’s been decades since a guy could count on knee-jerk Jew-hatred in America, or at least open Jew-hatred. What you want to do is attract the closet antisemites and give them enough plausible deniability so everyone can claim it’s not about the Jews’ Jewishness at all.

So what you might do is oppose construction of a synagogue, but only talk about how it would disrupt traffic, or the skyline, or be too noisy. And those concerns can be completely fabricated; you only need them to give you and your associates cover. Since we’re talking Orthodox Jews here, give an example of how crowded the streets will be on Saturdays with people going to and from services. If you’re loud enough about it, your vehemence can make up for any perceived ignorance. And if anyone pokes holes in your claim, like by noting that Orthodox Jews don’t drive on their Sabbath, well, you just move on to the next claim, no harm done. After all, it was just an issue of traffic as far as you’re concerned.

Then there’s the issue of an eruv, that string around the town that makes renders the whole place a single residential area in Jewish law. The Jews won’t be allowed to carry things around outside on the Sabbath without it. But since the community will need municipal approval to attach the string to telephone poles, you can take aim at their attempt to make the place more hospitable to Jews by claiming the project illegally involves the government in religious affairs. That way you can make it about the constitution instead of about how much you hate kikes.

I know you’ve also tried to muster opposition to Jewish migration by arguing about property values. But I don’t think you’ll have much success there, since it’s just ain’t so. In fact a growing Jewish community pushes property values up. You’re best off just dropping that subject, unless you want to look like a bigot and an idiot. Idiot is OK these days, but bigot is not.

Of course if you want to go really hardcore, and are willing to invest some serious time and energy, you could go the San Francisco route and try to get ritual circumcision banned. If you go down that path, just make sure not to get too caught up in the medical evidence for or against; there just isn’t anything conclusive either way. You need to keep the discourse squarely in the emotional realm: make it about babies’ rights; throw around loaded terms such as “mutilation” and “genital cutting”;  call the practice barbaric. Those are good ways of staying on the offensive and avoiding the issue of your opposition to Jewish existence, not merely Jewishpractice. Your lead here is the highly successful model of antisemites who claim only to be anti-Zionist, a roster that includes such reputable souls as Saddam Hussein and Mahmoud Ahmadinijad.

You know I would never steer you wrong, Jack. Some of my best friends are antisemites.

Written by Thag

December 28, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Tenth Annual Misunderstanding Judaism Conference Kicks Off

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Kosher style.

Kosher style.

New York, NY (AP) – The Jacob Javits Convention Center was filled to capacity on Sunday as thousands of non-Jews came to attend a four-day conference to deepen their misunderstanding of one of the world’s oldest faiths.

The General Organization of Yiddish Ignorance Movements (GOYIM), an umbrella group of gentile organizations devoted to misapprehending Judaism, sponsored the event in conjunction with SoundBite, an advocacy group that promotes superficial treatment of complex, nuanced social and political issues.

GOYIM set up dozens of booths, each one devoted to disseminating misinformation about Jewish tradition, characteristics and practice, with an entire section of purveyors selling “kosher-style” food next to the booth devoted to mischaracterization of Jewish dietary rules.

Several large Christian congregations sent delegations to the fair to reinforce the myths their communities have always assumed to be true, and the entrance hall was lined with posters of famous individuals whose Judaism was of marginal importance to them but given outsize emphasis by the uninformed public. A special section portrayed many famous real-life and fictional figures who were not Jewish but everyone assumes were, such as Ebenezer Scrooge, the protagonist of the Dickens novel A Christmas Carol. No pains were taken to disabuse the attendees of those notions.

At the “kosher style” food court, Mary Entwistle of Mahwah, New Jersey, commented that the frankfurters tasted just like the ones she could get anywhere else. “What’s so special about kosher food, then?” she wondered.

Her companion, Michelle Powell, went to investigate at the relevant misinformation booth, and came back triumphantly to announce, “Kosher means it was blessed by a Rabbi,” satisfying herself and Entwistle with a complete corruption of a complex system aimed at promoting Jewish awareness of the sanctity involved in eating.

They finished their pork sausages and found themselves at a display of bed sheets with holes in the middle, where the booth attendant was explaining that the sheets are the kind used by Ultra-Orthodox Jews for sexual intercourse, so that the husband and wife can minimize contact with each other in the name of modesty. The audience oohed and ahhed, taking at face value the complete opposite of the level of marital intimacy that Jewish law encourages. The sheets were for sale at $35.99 each for twin size, and $44.99 for king.

Elsewhere in the hall, a pair of caricature artists were busy sketching customers’s faces and whimsically adding horns to the images, in keeping with the popular, hilariously off-base image of Jews as anatomically different from other people. Artists George Lamont and Nina Cassidy let visitors know that the once or twice they had encountered Jews in their home town of Pottsville, Iowa, they tried to find an excuse to feel the sides of the Jews’ scalps for the small protrusions. They warned their clients that they clearly exaggerated the horns’ size, but, rest assured, it’s as real as could be.

GOYIM Director Paul Gregory said he had hoped to find other sponsors for the event among wealthy Jewish businesspeople, considering his bizarre assumption that Jews control the banks and finance industry, but to no avail. “I was dumbstruck – here they have this global fund that sponsors every Jew’s entrepreneurial initiatives, and they can’t spare a few grand?” He stared at a poster of the allegedly Jewish symbols on the American dollar bill before adding, “I guess if they’re the Chosen People that means they get to be elitist and all,” completely missing the sense of ethical purpose and mission to which the term refers.

MDA bloodNot everything at the conference was purely misinformative or commercial; some displays were overtly altruistic. One booth solicited contributions to a fund for nose jobs so that Jews would not have to walk around all sporting unattractive hook noses. Another asked for blood donations, encouraging passers by to give so that Jews would not have to slaughter a gentile child to make their Passover matza. The proprietor, Mustafa Isfahan, was unsure exactly how to get the donated material to the appropriate destination, but was confident he would find a way. “All I have to do is call up a Jewish temple and they’ll be able to direct me to the proper people,” he said.

“I mean, all Jews know one another, so it’s not like that should be a problem.”

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Written by Thag

December 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Jews Unsure Why Everyone Else Still Looking Forward to ‘Holidays’

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‘Hanukkah is over,’ they say.

North Miami Beach, FL (AP) – With the eight-day festival of Hanukkah concluded this past Sunday evening, Jews are puzzled by other people’s continued anticipation of a holiday, apparently some time next week.

“I like a never-ending celebration as much as the next guy, but it’s over, you know?” says Coral Gables resident Michelle Borofsky, 45. “It’s like the two-month buildup isn’t enough, and half the world refuses to accept that Hanukkah has come and gone. Can we just get on with normal life now?”

A stained glass window in a cathedral, apparently showing a woman preparing to light Sabbath candles.

A stained glass window in a cathedral, apparently showing a woman preparing to light Sabbath candles.

Borofsky’s husband Eli, 47, echoes her confusion. “There’s a lot about people I don’t understand, but this one has me completely perplexed,” he says with a shake of the head. “I can handle stores marking Hanukkah with all those pagan trees and poinsettias – I mean, they can’t be expected to know all the details about a minor Jewish holiday. I can even handle all that weird music they play incessantly once Thanksgiving comes around. But come on. It’s already the sixth of Tevet. The next holiday of note is almost two months away,” he said, referring to Purim.

Jews’ collective bafflement over the continuing festivities makes them uncomfortable, says sociologist Anna Philactic. “After centuries of persecution in Europe, American Jewry is deeply appreciative of the welcoming, nurturing environment they found in the United States,” she explains. “They love seeing all the houses and businesses lit up in honor of the Jewish Festival of Lights. Heck, Jews would be fine if they were simply left alone, so that outpouring of love and solidarity from gentiles is wonderful, not to mention everyone emulating Jewish gift-giving this time of year. But when the celebration continues far beyond the appropriate dates, that makes Jews a little insecure about what’s really going on, and about how excited everyone else is for something that’s over and done with.”

Jews everywhere are struggling to explain the prevalence of decorated fir trees. Some attribute them to the Jewish Arbor Day, known as Tu Bishvat, known as the New Year for Trees in Jewish lore.  Adding to the confusion is the occasional scene on people’s lawns featuring an infant and several adoring grown-ups, apparently in a barn, an obviously agricultural setting that supports the association with Tu Bishvat. However, Tu Bishvat is still more than a month away, and it remains obscure even to most Jews, let alone to non-Jews.

Jewish SantaA red-suited, bearded, jolly figure appears everywhere; Jews attribute that to Hanukkah’s message of struggle against the materialistic, consumerism-driven world view represented by the nation of Edom, whose name means ‘The Red One.’ The man’s flowing white beard is an obvious nod at the traditional Rabbinic appearance, and his use of a kosher species of draft animals to pull his vehicle is an added bonus.

With all the warmth that American society shows the Jewish community, Jews feel reluctant to correct the apparent misperception that the holiday is still in force. “It’s a really good feeling to be this celebrated, it’s a real honoring of our traditions,” says Rabbi Yudah Mann of Congregation Shakketz T’shaktzennu in Seattle. “But we Jews have a collective wariness of speaking out directly against the host culture’s practices, so we’re naturally a bit shy about pointing out the error.”

“But it’s probably harmless, so we’ll probably let it go. It most likely heralds the advent of a much more peaceful era in Jewish relations with our neighbors.”

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Written by Thag

December 19, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Dreidel Feels Completely Misunderstood

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dreidelNew York, December 8 (AP) – Gyrone, a four-year-old decorative dreidel, has become increasingly frustrated over the years with the ignorance displayed by anyone and everyone he encounters, and their short attention span.

“Nobody seems to have any idea what I’m all about, and their misapprehension of my purpose,” he lamented in a recent interview. “People seem to think I have some inherent connection to Hanukkah – and I have no idea how that happened.”

“I’m just a teetotum,” he added, wondering how anyone could confuse gambling with a celebration of divine wisdom as represented by light.

Dreidels are a specific type of teetotum, a polygon-shaped spinning top used in games of chance. Teetotums are marked with the outcome on each face, indicating what action should be taken as a result of the spin. On the dreidel, a four-sided teetotum, the markings use Hebrew letters that stand for Yiddish instructions: nothing, take the whole pot, take half the pot or add to the pot.

“I wish I knew whom to blame for this,” Gyrone continued, “but no one seems to know who first took those letters and said they really stand for ‘A great miracle happened there’ in Hebrew. Whoever it was, I’d like to throttle him. If I had arms, anyway,” he added ruefully. The miracle to which he referred was of oil that miraculously burned for eight nights when only enough uncontaminated olive oil could be found for one night, according to the Talmud, after the Jews rose up against the Seleucid oppressors and reclaimed the Temple.

“To make things worse,” continued Gyrone, his tone rising, “then some fool in Israel decided to put a local spin on it: since the miracle happened there, the dreidels used in Israel should use the initial for the Hebrew word ‘here’, and a bastardized teetotum was born.”

The connection with Hanukkah might be attributed to Jewish legends about religious persecution at the hands of the Seleucid rulers of the second century BCE. Those tales recount bans on various elements of Jewish practice, including the study of Torah, and how Jews would circumvent the prohibitions by having children play games to divert the Hellenistic authorities and their informers from the true goings-on. It is unclear when, but at some later point the game of dreidel was specifically mentioned in that context, even though nothing specific about the games is part of the original legend.

For most Jewish families, the game of dreidel loses its novelty after about four minutes; the average life span of a typical plastic or wooden dreidel is between two and seven days, as the cheap toys are ignored, neglected, lost, disposed of or chewed up by the family dog. Decorative dreidels are luckier in that respect, though seldom used, according to Zvi Vohn, Professor of Jewish culture at Columbia University. “There’s an appalling lack of imagination when it comes to the game of dreidel as it’s typically played,” he explained. “Pennies? Chocolate coins? No wonder people get bored. Heck, one of the reasons my brother married a shiksa is that he couldn’t stand the boredom of dreidel.”

“We Jews are a creative bunch. I’m sure there’s some way we can give this classic game a clever twist.”

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Written by Thag

December 8, 2012 at 9:56 pm