Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Posts Tagged ‘conspiracy theories

Book Accuses Jews of Controlling Israeli Government

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Hadda Nuffadis

Hadda Nuffadis

London, 9 July (AP) – In a new twist on an age-old stereotype, a British Muslim author’s newest work charges that a relatively small number of Jews effectively controls the workings of Israel, a country that most people consider a democracy.

Hadda Nuffadis, a Liverpool-born Muslim of Indian descent, writes in From Russia with Glove that the “hidden hand” of Jewish control can be seen in Israeli politics, government, industry, and finance since before the state was founded in 1948. The title evokes the metaphor of that hidden hand, which he sees wielded by Jews whose ancestry comes mostly from Russia and other parts of Eastern Europe.

From Russia with Glove painstakingly traces the personalities behind the evolution and exercise of Israeli power, offering a convincing argument that Israel, despite its population of over 7 million people with origins all over the world, follows the direction of fewer than four thousand individual Jews strategically placed at the upper echelons of government, the military, banking, industry, and media.

Of all the chiefs-of-staff of the Israel Defense Force, for example, every single one was Jewish; the same holds for Prime Ministers, Presidents, commissioners of the central bank, sports team franchise owners, ambassadors, newspaper owners, and labor union officials.

Nuffadis describes a hierarchy within this cadre of Jews in which representatives are chosen primarily by the Jews with Israeli citizenship, to represent their interests on a council of 120, known as the “Knesset,” or Assembly. The Knesset functions much as any country’s Parliament might, except that it consists almost entirely of Jews. Leading the Knesset is an inner council of Jewish ministers and a Prime Minister who uses his power to appoint other Jews to positions of influence and control.

Unlike previous accusation of a Jewish cabal to control world governments, From Russia relies on ample documentation and supporting evidence. Nuffadis notes that in contrast to the classic conspiracy theories to the same effect, his book does not find any real attempt by the Jews to conceal these activities, perhaps in the belief that a small country such as Israel, with scarce natural resources and populated by the descendants of refugees, would never attract any attention on the world stage.

Jewish organizations in Britain and around the world were quick to react the the book’s publication. Abraham Foxman, of the Anti-Defamation League, wrote in an e-mail message, “Huh?” Eric Hier, Director of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles, echoed the sentiment, saying, “Wait, say that again?” Closer to home, the heads of several Jewish organizations in London and Liverpool declined to comment, citing difficulty breathing and aching cheek muscles.

Nuffadis previously achieved some notoriety with his revelations in his 2008 book Bombs Away that the Allies in World War II focused disproportionately on bombing targets in Germany; upwards of 90% of Allied bombing sorties in Europe between 1940 and 1945 were directed at German soil, while the rest of the continent, despite teeming with Europeans, was largely spared such an onslaught.


Written by Thag

July 9, 2013 at 12:03 pm

You Could Use a Session or Two of Misguided Imagery

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Careful. It took Luke Skywalker a long time to build this.

Careful. It took Luke Skywalker a long time to build this.

Recurring depression, huh? I’m sorry. You must be having a difficult time. I know you’ve been in and out of treatment for a while, and it’s not really my place to get involved in that, but have you ever considered misguided imagery?

A good misguided imagery facilitator can help you reach some real breakthroughs especially if you’re looking to make that depression stop recurring, and simply be there all the time, the way it should. I know a girl who saw this misguided imagery specialist, and wham! She was confused as hell in no time. Really took her mind off her terminal illness for a while. And my next-door neighbor shouts much more coherently at his TV set now, after he went through a whole series of misguided imagery sessions.

You’ve probably encountered something similar before, but in misguided imagery, instead of taking the client on an emotional, spiritual or psychological journey toward a better attitude or a solution, the therapist focuses on getting you to get hung up on the nitty-gritty, the mundane, the completely pointless, so you don’t have to go through the stress of worrying constantly about mounting bills, emotional trauma, dysfunctional relationships, whatever. That stuff doesn’t matter, anyway, not when there are countless images in the real world, not to mention in your imagination, of the British royal family, the Kardashians, and the latest developments in reality TV.

And the music – you might expect a meditation-like session would feature some music, and you’d be right – everything from bluegrass to country and back again, played at twice the normal speed. It helps the brain process the images faster, so you get more efficient at it. Practice makes perfect! You want that trusty brain preoccupied with following the in-your-face, repetitive, less-than-subtle art form so it doesn’t have time to devote to the sewer that your life has become. Imagine you’re somewhere else and you never have to come back! Maybe even a place like Heaven. They might even play country music there!

I’m no expert in therapy, I know, but I do know you have to watch out for the charlatans. You want to make sure the misguided imagery therapist knows what he or she is doing. That means no one from those highfalutin universities, no way. At those places, they beat the misguided everything out of the student in no time. You need a community college graduate, or better yet, a dropout, with plenty of exposure to the new-age world. Better yet, someone who goes in for conspiracy theories, or who professes deep mistrust of anything that’s been subjected to scientific testing.

I’m glad to provide this information; no, don’t thank me. You haven’t even tried it yet. After you do, let me know how it goes. In the meantime, I’ll be at work, making these pornographic rosary beads.

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Written by Thag

February 5, 2013 at 8:56 pm

Tenth Annual Misunderstanding Judaism Conference Kicks Off

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Kosher style.

Kosher style.

New York, NY (AP) – The Jacob Javits Convention Center was filled to capacity on Sunday as thousands of non-Jews came to attend a four-day conference to deepen their misunderstanding of one of the world’s oldest faiths.

The General Organization of Yiddish Ignorance Movements (GOYIM), an umbrella group of gentile organizations devoted to misapprehending Judaism, sponsored the event in conjunction with SoundBite, an advocacy group that promotes superficial treatment of complex, nuanced social and political issues.

GOYIM set up dozens of booths, each one devoted to disseminating misinformation about Jewish tradition, characteristics and practice, with an entire section of purveyors selling “kosher-style” food next to the booth devoted to mischaracterization of Jewish dietary rules.

Several large Christian congregations sent delegations to the fair to reinforce the myths their communities have always assumed to be true, and the entrance hall was lined with posters of famous individuals whose Judaism was of marginal importance to them but given outsize emphasis by the uninformed public. A special section portrayed many famous real-life and fictional figures who were not Jewish but everyone assumes were, such as Ebenezer Scrooge, the protagonist of the Dickens novel A Christmas Carol. No pains were taken to disabuse the attendees of those notions.

At the “kosher style” food court, Mary Entwistle of Mahwah, New Jersey, commented that the frankfurters tasted just like the ones she could get anywhere else. “What’s so special about kosher food, then?” she wondered.

Her companion, Michelle Powell, went to investigate at the relevant misinformation booth, and came back triumphantly to announce, “Kosher means it was blessed by a Rabbi,” satisfying herself and Entwistle with a complete corruption of a complex system aimed at promoting Jewish awareness of the sanctity involved in eating.

They finished their pork sausages and found themselves at a display of bed sheets with holes in the middle, where the booth attendant was explaining that the sheets are the kind used by Ultra-Orthodox Jews for sexual intercourse, so that the husband and wife can minimize contact with each other in the name of modesty. The audience oohed and ahhed, taking at face value the complete opposite of the level of marital intimacy that Jewish law encourages. The sheets were for sale at $35.99 each for twin size, and $44.99 for king.

Elsewhere in the hall, a pair of caricature artists were busy sketching customers’s faces and whimsically adding horns to the images, in keeping with the popular, hilariously off-base image of Jews as anatomically different from other people. Artists George Lamont and Nina Cassidy let visitors know that the once or twice they had encountered Jews in their home town of Pottsville, Iowa, they tried to find an excuse to feel the sides of the Jews’ scalps for the small protrusions. They warned their clients that they clearly exaggerated the horns’ size, but, rest assured, it’s as real as could be.

GOYIM Director Paul Gregory said he had hoped to find other sponsors for the event among wealthy Jewish businesspeople, considering his bizarre assumption that Jews control the banks and finance industry, but to no avail. “I was dumbstruck – here they have this global fund that sponsors every Jew’s entrepreneurial initiatives, and they can’t spare a few grand?” He stared at a poster of the allegedly Jewish symbols on the American dollar bill before adding, “I guess if they’re the Chosen People that means they get to be elitist and all,” completely missing the sense of ethical purpose and mission to which the term refers.

MDA bloodNot everything at the conference was purely misinformative or commercial; some displays were overtly altruistic. One booth solicited contributions to a fund for nose jobs so that Jews would not have to walk around all sporting unattractive hook noses. Another asked for blood donations, encouraging passers by to give so that Jews would not have to slaughter a gentile child to make their Passover matza. The proprietor, Mustafa Isfahan, was unsure exactly how to get the donated material to the appropriate destination, but was confident he would find a way. “All I have to do is call up a Jewish temple and they’ll be able to direct me to the proper people,” he said.

“I mean, all Jews know one another, so it’s not like that should be a problem.”

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Written by Thag

December 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Obama Announces New Conspiracy Theory Administration

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The FUCTUP logo.

The FUCTUP logo.

Washington, DC (AP) – President Obama announced the formation of a new government body to generate and maintain conspiracy theories, consolidating the separate efforts of different federal departments.

The Federal Unified Conspiracy Theory Utilization Program (FUCTUP) will oversee the myriad conspiracy theories that the government creates or administers. Formerly, each department was responsible for producing and spreading CTs in its arena. The Department of Transportation, for example, oversaw the disappearance of various aircraft and vessels in the Bermuda Triangle, as well as most major aspects of the 9/11 “inside job” set of CTs.

The Department of the Interior managed the Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, sightings, as well as the Obama “Birther” CTs, while the Department of Health initiated the fluoridation of water to enable government mind-control efforts.

But while each department fared reasonably well in its own territory, explained Obama, they often pursued conflicting CT projects. “The Department of Justice and the Department of Defense promulgated divergent conspiracy theories about the Kennedy assassination,” noted the President at a press conference this afternoon. “Those theories often counteracted one another’s effects, and the aims of neither department could be fully realized.”

Therefore, explained Obama, he decided to consolidate management of all CTs, and the agency in charge of that effort would be FUCTUP. “FUCTUP staff will handle the difficult tasks involved in developing, creating, disseminating and following up on all the conspiracy theories. We thank all the people in the various federal departments for giving us so many decades of superlative service.” The President particularly singled out the Department of Education for its Holocaust Denial initiatives.

The vast majority of FUCTUP personnel will be transferred to a new facility in Mystic, CT, but a handful will remain in their old offices at the various departments to act as FUCTUP liaisons to those departments. The preservation of those positions will ensure that the FUCTUP methods follow on smoothly from the existing CT maintenance efforts.

Jones. Or at least that's what we would have you believe.

Jones. Or at least that’s what we would have you believe.

The president has tapped longtime conspiracy theory expert Alex Jones to head the new program, calling him a visionary. “Alex has graciously agreed to accept the post, and I anticipate years of fruitful FUCTUP policy from him and his team. No one else really has his finger on the pulse of the conspiracy theory world as Alex does, making him the clear choice for FUCTUP leadership.”

Jones was silent on his specific plans for new conspiracy theories, pointing out that currently, simply maintaining the existing body of CTs will require the bulk of FUCTUP focus. He vowed, however, to improve American conspiracy theory cooperation with the international community.

“Any good conspiracy theory has to involve some clandestine international organization such as the Illuminati or the Elders of Zion,” he said. “Cooperative efforts with our counterparts in other parts of the world will help us stay on the cutting edge of CT generation and administration.”

“The best conspiracy theories are and will always be FUCTUP theories.”

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Written by Thag

December 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Company Develops HIV-Flavor Kool-Aid

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CIA to Market Beverage in Primarily African-American Areas

The Cola Industry Association (CIA) has launched a new flavor of soft drink, HIV-flavor Kool-Aid. It intends to make the African-American demographic its main target.

The CIA has been working for decades to develop this new flavor and get it to catch on in the black community, seeing both the threat of competition and the ease with which certain ideas or trends catch on among those of African descent. It had a hit with Tuskegee Condoms from the 1930’s to the 1970’s, and an overseas success with the same product in Guatemala. But penetrating its target demographic has always been a challenge for the CIA, in contrast to the ease with which it sells to Americans of European extraction.

The campaign will include mascots designed to appeal to the target demographic, including a portly mother figure, a talking watermelon and coupons for discounts on corn bread, according to Jenn O’Seid, a company spokesperson. Testing of the product has been taking place in Africa, primarily in South African and Nigeria, where the HIV market is particularly strong, and a smaller-scale targeting of the niche gay market in the U.S. also looked encouraging, she said.

The initiative faces stiff competition from other entities angling for a slice of the African-American demographic. American Refreshment Yummies And Nosh (ARYAN) already has a grape drink on the market, Welfare Queen, that it boasts has “a touch of hepatitis,” according to its ad jingle. ARYAN’s market penetration tends to be confined to the Northwest, but it boasts a small but loyal following in the deep South, where it hopes to have a major impact on the population.

Foreign competition also makes the market tricky. Drink Retail United Global Sales (DRUGS) has seen continued success with its Crack flavor, which it offers in a bonus pack that also includes the ever-popular Gang War. DRUGS gained market ascendancy first, but Asian producers and smaller-scale local manufacturers such as Mississippi-East Trading House (METH) have kept business people addicted to the ever-shifting battle over market share.

CIA President Jim Crow nevertheless remains optimistic the campaign will meet its sales targets. “We’re going to stay positive. We haven’t had this much excitement generated in the market since our Poll Tax Waffles.”

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Written by Thag

November 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Truth donkey

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Truth donkey

Written by Thag

February 22, 2012 at 12:17 am

Don’t Bother Me with Facts; I Have a Theory

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Written by Thag

January 8, 2012 at 11:09 pm