The Media: Just the Plural for Medium – as in Fortune Teller

Headlines as Appearing in:
The New York Times	The New York Post	Your High School Newspaper	The National Enquirer
Cuomo’s First Nine Months in Office a Modest Success	Guv Giving It All	Andrew Cuomo Elected Governor of NY (the State)	Cuomo Family Avoids Staying at Haunted Executive Mansion
Osama Bin Laden Killed in Commando Raid	We Got Him!	Who Is Osama Bin Laden?	Navy SEAL Team Six Kills Two-Headed Elvis Clone at Bin Laden Compound
Obama Presses Israel on Settlements	Prez to Bibi: Stop It	Debating Team Debates Israel vs. Palestine	Obama Proves He’s a Muslim
Yankees Clinch Division; Red Sox Eliminated	Yanks Top Sux -Again	Cougars Beat Westville High	Ghost of Babe Ruth Runs Amok in Fenway Clubhouse
Irene Damage Estimated at $4 Billion	Hizzoner: Send Irene Bill to Feds	Mrs. Miller Remembers 1985 Hurricane Gloria	NASA Steered Hurricane to NYC
Stock Market Drops 8%	Stocks Tumble, Execs Grumble	Teachers in Foul Mood Over Something or Other Regarding “Pensions”	Invisible Hand Seen over NY Stock Exchange Floor
Gunman Kills 10 in Memphis Campus Shooting Spree	Redneck Rampage: 10 Dead	Student Suspended for Bringing Fake Gun to School	Giant Anaconda Devours Children on Way to School
Idaho Ex-Governor Convicted of Embezzlement, Breach of Trust	Book Thrown at Boise Bookie	Betting Pool Arises over Anticipated Firing Date of Chemistry Teacher	Possessed Jury Calls for Capital Punishment in Civil Lawsuits
Pollution Depresses Economy Dependent on River Fish	PCBs Pound Palookaville	A Reminder to Wash Hands after Using the Bathroom	Godzilla’s Return Imminent, Say Government Scientists
US Strips Former Death Camp Guard of Citizenship	Ex-Nazi Extradition	Mr. Parker Lectures on Prejudice	Auschwitz Guard Reincarnated as Lamp Post
Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple, Dead at 56	Jobs, Well, Done	A Portrait of an American Entrepreneur by Jamie Howard (9th grade)	Will of Steve Jobs Found Scrawled in Blood on Skin of Missing IBM Exec
2 Americans Awarded Nobel Prize for Economics	U.S.A.! U.S.A.!	Senior Awards Ceremony Canceled	Economists Predict Third, Fourth and Fifth Great Depressions before 2015
Heat Trade James Back to Cleveland	LeBron Comes Crying Home	Coach’s Arrest Delays Varsity Tryouts	‘I Learned Basketball from Himmler,’ Says Drunk LeBron
NASA Announces Discovery of New Earth-Like Planet	Life Out There?	Pluto No Longer a Planet	Life Out There!

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Homework as an Alien Idea

Our six-year-old had had enough. The intensity of his displeasure became more and more evident, until finally he burst into tears and yelled, “I wanna do my homework!”

Absent any other information, this declaration should prompt any or all of the following courses of action:

– Demand DNA testing to verify whether this child in fact carries my genes.
– Take child immediately to a mental health professional or medical expert.
– Explode in hopeless laughter at the irony.
– Take advantage of this suddenly diligent person in order to get other unpleasant tasks done, such as cleaning the kids’ bathroom.
– Call his teacher and interrogate her as to what the hell she did to transform this infuriatingly stubborn/delightful child into a devoted student.
– Alert the authorities and news media to the first indisputable evidence of extraterrestrial life.

Of course this episode in context only serves to underline the delightful/infuriating thing he’s got going. Mrs. Thag worked pretty hard to persuade the guy to do his homework, and he set about it. He got so caught up in it that when his brother blurted out the final answer, that threatened his sense of order. He thus objected with growing vehemence until everyone acknowledged the bitter injustice and finally calmed him down.

My wife and I did manage to suppress our laughter, with mixed success (he did not appreciate it, even after we explained to him the humor). But damn. Even accounting for the psychological factors that set him off, I would never say such a thing. In general, he needs to have things done in a specific way or order, and any change to that order meets resistance – passivity, shrugging, ignoring, hostility, anger, or whichever reaction the fates deem appropriate (read: most unmanageable) at that moment.

I do wish I could record it. Than play it back for him whenever he claims not to like homework. But that might teach the aliens to improve their cover, and how would we detect them?