Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Milkshake Brings Boys To Yard

with 70 comments

milkshakeForest Park, Ohio, April 29 – Residents of this Cincinnati suburb reported disturbances this morning after a local woman made a milkshake and began drinking it in her front yard.

Kelly Rogers, 19, of Fairborn Avenue, put chocolate ice cream and milk into blender at about 7:25 AM Tuesday. Neighbors soon felt the ground rumbling, as thousands of young men, some as young as twelve, streamed onto the street and crowded into and around the Rogers property, apparently to watch Ms. Rogers consume the liquid breakfast.

The crowd continued to grow for almost an hour, according to Denise Jefferson, who lives several houses away. “We felt the earth shake, and then it just kept shaking until maybe 8:30, I don’t know,” she told reporters. “There must’ve been thousands of guys here, but they disappeared almost as soon as they showed up.” She noted that once Ms. Rogers had finished drinking her shake, the throngs of youths quickly dissipated, leaving behind extensive damage to front lawns, road signs, and parked cars. At least six residents were delayed by the crowd on their way to work.

“We never see anything like this,” said Jamal Watts, who was unable to get to the hospital where he works on time. “It’s supposed to be a quiet street – I mean, that’s why our families chose to live here. It’s a quiet neighborhood in general. I never expected to have to push through such a crowd of people just to get off my street.”

Residents of Fairborn Avenue are considering the measures to take against Ms. Rogers, or perhaps against the Rogers family as a whole, but are uncertain as to their options.

“It’s not really clear what recourse the neighbors have, legal or otherwise,” says property law expert Sol Liss. “The phenomenon of milkshakes attracting throngs of young male visitors to an enclosed suburban property is certainly documented as far back as 2004, but has never been subject to court attention,” he explained. “In fact I’d wager it’s the same incident being cited over and over again, and not a genuine trend that anyone could be expected to consider before making a milkshake.”


For a snarky take on the Middle East, visit PreOccupiedTerritory, and laugh. Or weep.


Written by Thag

April 29, 2014 at 12:13 pm

70 Responses

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  1. Reblogged this on michaelcherno.


    May 19, 2014 at 9:06 pm

  2. Thanks for the laugh! 🙂


    May 19, 2014 at 9:53 pm

  3. Your images collection is freakin’ hilarious. Favorite so far: roach church with their own interpretation of Jesus on the cross.


    May 19, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    • I don’t even remember that one.

      Or what I had for breakfast this morning. Did I even have breakfast? What day is it? Oh, the war ended? Hm. Wonder what they did with the Kaiser.


      May 19, 2014 at 10:20 pm

      • The Kaiser is currently holding together two slices of ham, some melted swiss, mustard, and some shredded cabbage. He’s on a roll.


        May 19, 2014 at 10:46 pm

        • Always thought him a seedy character.


          May 19, 2014 at 10:47 pm

          • He’s stacked, too.


            May 19, 2014 at 10:49 pm

            • Hey, you got a beef with that?


              May 19, 2014 at 10:49 pm

              • Pretty cheesy comeback.


                May 19, 2014 at 10:51 pm

                • I know you prefer an awful bun, but I prefer rye comments to wordplay.


                  May 19, 2014 at 10:52 pm

                  • You’re just hamming it up, now.


                    May 19, 2014 at 10:54 pm

                  • Any way you slice it, buddy.
                    Hey, you’re the one who lunched into this first.


                    May 19, 2014 at 10:57 pm

                  • Are we talkin’ turkey, here? Or are you chicken?


                    May 19, 2014 at 11:14 pm

                  • A challenge, huh? OK, meat me out back! Enough of this egging me on! I’ll be topping you nonstop – you’ll never ketchup to me. Oh, I’m going to relish this one.


                    May 19, 2014 at 11:17 pm

                  • Lettuce take a step back. You may have mustard the strength to duel but clearly you’re nuts or you wouldn’t be dishing such tripe.


                    May 19, 2014 at 11:25 pm

  4. Thanks for the laugh. Some songs are just so silly and senseless that need attention .. and sarcasm. Nicely done!


    May 19, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    • Kesha’s “Tick Tock” song lyrics come to mind – “Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack”. o.O


      May 19, 2014 at 10:30 pm

  5. Reblogged this on Bon Vivant.


    May 19, 2014 at 10:36 pm

  6. My nickname is BLT So I”m quite fond of sandwich jokes

    larry trasciatti

    May 20, 2014 at 12:15 am

  7. I love that area in Ohio. Reminds me of my grandparents house.

    Crohn's and Cupcakes

    May 20, 2014 at 1:20 am

  8. Reblogged this on Life Unmuted and commented:
    This event was just a little under a month ago but screams of a Chrisotpher Guest parody about life in the suburbs..rather, life in a midwestern suburb!
    “[Her] milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…”


    May 20, 2014 at 1:38 am

  9. 😀
    Almost like the quiet suburbs of wisteria lane 🙂


    May 20, 2014 at 1:41 am

  10. Reblogged this on The Life & Times of Ice and commented:
    This was a def lol 😅


    May 20, 2014 at 3:41 am

  11. Reblogged this on batteredthoughts and commented:
    I just choked on my tea.


    May 20, 2014 at 5:39 am

  12. Reblogged this on Human Relationships.

    Human Relationships

    May 20, 2014 at 9:12 am

  13. Reblogged this on msamba.


    May 20, 2014 at 1:18 pm

  14. The simple pleasures are doing daily things with a flourish.


    May 20, 2014 at 2:15 pm

  15. Thanks for a great laugh!


    May 20, 2014 at 3:39 pm

  16. In a comment later made by Ms Rogers, she stated that she could teach us how to replicate this phenomenon, but she would have to expect monetary reciprocation.


    May 20, 2014 at 4:22 pm

  17. A terrible habit.


    May 20, 2014 at 5:04 pm

  18. All she wanted was a damn milkshake


    May 20, 2014 at 6:47 pm

  19. Thats a good one


    May 20, 2014 at 9:43 pm

  20. Nice work in an old and tired joke. Def Onion quality. I hope this is the last I see of its kind and am annoyed that I didn’t do it first. Sharing on Twitter.

    Fate Jacket X

    May 20, 2014 at 10:10 pm

  21. *on

    Fate Jacket X

    May 20, 2014 at 10:10 pm

  22. Reblogged this on msmocktail and commented:
    The consequences of alcohol free beverages!


    May 21, 2014 at 1:13 am

  23. Reblogged on bipolaronfire.com. Such a powerfully distressing incident must be dealt with at every level. How many milkshakes will it take?


    May 21, 2014 at 4:43 am

  24. A worrying phenomenon. I recall a similar case at my younger brother’s all boys school when a young and very hot female mentor group leader was hired. From that point on, attendance at her group’s meetings went up to full attendance. This meant that boys were not wasting time kicking coke cans or hanging out at the lockers. You just can’t have things like that going on.

    • As I recalled, back in about 1984 a certain Edward Van Halen documented such an incident, noting the rise in average kinetic energy associated with the presence of the educator.


      May 21, 2014 at 7:41 am

  25. This is my kind of blog! So halarious!


    May 21, 2014 at 12:19 pm

  26. Reblogged this on zeenablid18.


    May 21, 2014 at 2:06 pm

  27. Too funny! Thanks for making my day.

    Therese Lu

    May 21, 2014 at 2:32 pm

  28. So funny 🙂


    May 21, 2014 at 7:20 pm

  29. Reblogged this on arianjoy98 and commented:
    click it


    May 22, 2014 at 2:07 am

  30. I love it


    May 22, 2014 at 5:01 am

  31. Reblogged this on c'est la vie ..


    May 22, 2014 at 10:37 am

  32. Reblogged this on Apps Lotus's Blog.


    May 22, 2014 at 10:07 pm

  33. Thanks for the laugh lol


    May 23, 2014 at 6:04 am

  34. Reblogged this on thoughts thunk at the speed of light and commented:
    I could teach you.


    May 25, 2014 at 7:42 pm

  35. Reblogged this on PECULIAR x PEOPLE and commented:
    HAHAHAH I love this!! So imaginative and real.


    May 25, 2014 at 10:23 pm

  36. Reblogged this on mintvalf.


    May 27, 2014 at 6:19 pm

  37. Reblogged this on angiebeacher and commented:
    I thought this was a fabulous first post (reblog). I love this.


    May 28, 2014 at 5:49 am

  38. Reblogged this on Yet another fine blog … 😀 and commented:
    Thanks, for making me smirk. 🙂


    May 29, 2014 at 12:05 am

  39. Let’s just be glad she didn’t break up some oreos to throw in there too.


    June 3, 2014 at 7:55 am

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