Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Global Warming Linked To Hot Local Singles In Your Area

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Friends castCambridge, MA, March 3 – Climatologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have published findings that point to a previously unknown source for the rise in the global temperature: the hot local singles in your area.

The researchers found a striking correlation between the localized instances of higher atmospheric temperatures and the number of positively caliente available romantic partners within an hour’s drive of your home. Scientists found that these hot local singles clustered around certain cities, as indicated by the frequency of offers to introduce you to them via your home computer or mobile device.

The number of delicious, sultry, and delectable members of the appropriate sex just waiting for you to contact them was overlaid with a satellite map of temperature fluctuations in the atmosphere over the last year. The climatologists were surprised to find an almost 100% correlation, a fact that has important implications for efforts to combat climate change.

“We either must reduce the hotness of the local singles, or reduce their concentration,” said the study’s lead author, Jay Dait. “In some localities this might not be such an apparent problem, as those places either have few singles, or at least only a few hot ones. But elsewhere, this could prove a major new front – and a formidable challenge – in formulating climate policy.” He mentioned Brazil and Argentina and major sources of hot singles, with Russia also an important contributor.

If confirmed, the study calls for vast shifts in the entities responsible for implementing change. Whereas until now global warming had been attributed to the industrial activities of developed areas such as Europe, the United States, and China, the new data sees a more evenly distributed, though still unequal, burden, as hot Asian women constitute a tremendous source of the warming, and, as internet ads demonstrate, are available in large numbers everywhere.

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Written by Thag

March 3, 2014 at 2:24 pm

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