Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Feedback Is Just A Fancy Word For Vomit

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common senseDear Thag,

I just wanted to write to say how pleased I was with your customer service. Miggtha was an absolute delight; she explained in great, colorful detail what to expect and why you are so incompetent. I’ll be sure to recommend your site to all my friends who want to laugh at someone else’s expense.

Sincerely,
Dawn Adams
Racine, WI

****

Dear Thag,

What a breath of fresh air! I’ve gotten so used to businesses not caring about their customers, it was such a surprise and relief to be treated so well by your customer service team. They promised that if anything else went wrong, you would personally come to my house and clean my windows with your tongue. I’m so happy that old-fashioned customer relations is alive and well.

Sincerely,
Jake Doolum
Manhattan, MT

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Dear Thag,

Thank you for taking the time to explain the ins and outs of your order process. I didn’t actually know that when I use my credit card online, there isn’t someone at the other end copying down the numbers. I had another question, though: how does the computer know that NJ means New Jersey, and my shipment won’t end up in some Austrian village with the same initials?

Yours truly,
Jim Beam
Arcola, IL

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Dear Thag,

Who does your hair? On the phone, you sounded like you had a good coif. Is that something you spend a lot of time on, or give a lot of thought to? I give a lot of thought to my hair, which is why I wanted to order some hair care products from your site, only you don’t seem to stock what I was looking for. That’s OK; you sounded like you know your way around the shampoo and conditioner shelf, so I was hoping you could share some of your knowledge and experience with me as a person, not as the owner of an unrelated business. Do I need to use baking soda or something?

Respectfully yours,
Gerard Dupont
Olympia, WA

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Dear Thag,

I am attorney for MRS. HUANGA DAMAKKA. She instructed me find a CUSTODIAN FOR SIX MILLION US DOLLARS that the government want to steal her. You can trust me; I am her lawyer for twelve year. Looking ahead to hearing from you.

Honorably you,
Bigga Goniff
Lagos, Nigeria

****

Dear Thag,

I meant it about the hair. You really do sound well coifed. Won’t you share some of your tips? The world awaits your expertise! I meant it!

Yours again,
Gerard Dupont
Olympia, WA

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Dear Mr. Thag:

Our client, Mr. Gerard Dupont of Olympia, WA,  claims that you promised him some hair care tips and neglected to deliver on that promise. We hereby advise you that if you persist in delaying fulfillment of this obligation, we shall be forced to file a claim against you in Washington State.

Sincerely,
Nasty, Brutish and Short, Attorneys at Law
Olympia, WA

****

Dear Thag,

Fine. Be that way. You think you’re so superior, hogging all that valuable hair care information for yourself? Well, I got news for you, buster: I got me a stylist from the Ukraine, named Karina, and she can style the pants off you any day of the week! Forget the lawsuit – I’m better off this way! And she KNOWS baking soda is a crock! Shows how much YOU know!

Go to hell,
Gerard Dupont
Olympia, WA

****

Dear Thag,

We haven’t a clue about this Dupont guy, either. There’s nobody by that name in Olympia. He’s probably some dude yanking your chain; it’s not worth your time worrying about it. What ever happened with that Nigerian windfall, by the way? That looks like it’s worth the effort.

Gully Bill

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Written by Thag

February 2, 2014 at 8:58 am

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