Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Report: Better You Not Know

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imagesWashington, DC, January 30 – A review of available data has concluded that under the circumstances, it would be better that you not ask.

Scientists analyzing the information for the Department of the Interior surveyed the results of the inquiry and determined that don’t even go there. They further stated that continued pursuit of the inquiries would result in an undesirable state of Too Much Information. The researchers would have published their results in a scientific journal, but it’s none of your goddamn business, come to think of it.

The team of researchers came to the clear conclusion based on a thorough second look at the data, which all pointed to the fact that they could tell you, but then they would have to kill you. In fact, they insisted, the most convincing interpretation of the data is, well, frankly, they would rather not talk about it.

“It’s basically unequivocal, and I’m not entirely certain how we missed it in earlier studies,” said lead author Sy Lentz. “I could say more, but, well, I think everyone’s better off if I don’t.” He added that he’d already said too much, and that he was sorry he even mentioned it.

Other experts confirmed the analysis. “Really, discretion is the better part of valor here,” said Ignatz Izbliss, who was not involved in the study, and is grateful for that fact. “Please, change the subject.”

The study strengthens the sense derived from previous research that, no, we can’t tell you, because you can’t then un-know it. Those studies, in turn, grew out of data pointing to the notion that let’s pretend you didn’t ask that.


Written by Thag

January 30, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , ,

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