Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Study: Your Farts Smell Better Than Everyone Else’s

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pull my fingerCambridge, MA, January 28 – Biochemists at Harvard Medical School have confirmed that unlike the intestinal gases of others, your flatulence carries neutral, even positive, associations, as opposed to connotations of decay, nausea, and disgust.

A team of graduate students and postdoctoral fellows tested the emissions, sampling the various mixtures of gases that followed the digestion of sausages, pizza, burritos, peanut butter cups, falafel, ice cream, cholent, and chili. Your emissions were compared with those of everyone else’s, with specific testing of odor, potency, and associations that resulted from the inhalation of the flatulence.

The researchers discovered that invariably, your emissions were less offensive to the olfactory sensibilities and created exclusively positive, often humorous, associations, while those of other people’s intestinal gases produced feelings of repulsiveness, and created associations of death, shame, and existential fear. The scientists will publish their research in the upcoming issue of the journal Beef.

The results confirm what you have known all along, according to Cutter Limburger, a Columbia University gastroenterology professor who was not involved in the research. While the scent of your farts represents, “a celebration of life, exuberance, and lighthearted humor,” those of others call to mind, “the very brimstone pits of Hell.”

“It’s quite remarkable how clear the results are, really,” said Limburger. “Smell that. You see what I mean?”

Flatulence occurs primarily when certain carbohydrates are present in food, carbohydrates that the human digestive system does not produce enzymes to break down. Instead, bacteria feed on those compounds, and one of the byproducts of that bacterial digestion is the gasses that compose a fart.

Each human has a unique mix of bacteria in his intestines, giving rise to different fart compositions. The study demonstrates that your particular blend of bacteria produces the most pleasant aroma, while even a slight adjustment to the balance of microorganisms in the digestive tract produces a mixture of gases that transforms exuberant, youthful humor into the dark, abusive scoffing that arises when one’s existential security is threatened. As everyone else’s farts only serve as a reminder of humanity’s inescapable animal nature and eventual demise and decomposition, it is only natural that their smell would produce such shame.

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Written by Thag

January 28, 2014 at 8:30 pm

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