Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Ask The NSA

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NSA logoDear NSA:

My children have me at my wits’ end. No matter how calm I try to keep the house, all the children do is yell. I can’t hear myself think. I model quiet talking for them, but they don’t even hear me. What can I do about all the noise?

– Going Deaf in Des Moines

Dear Des Moines:

Your last cable bill was $450.88, suggesting that you expose the children to the idiot box more than you should. What do you expect? See if you can get them to spend spare time at the library instead of in front of a screen. But keep an eye on Greg, your fourteen-year-old, whose literature of choice involves internet sites of which you would not approve.

Dear NSA:

I think my husband is having an aff-

Dear Chilled:

He is.

Dear NSA:

My brother has an alcohol problem. We tried an intervention but that went badly, leading to an even bigger series of outbursts. Beyond the obvious concern for him, how can we avoid the humiliation of the whole community finding out, but still show him openness and love?


Dear Anonymous:

You’re not “Anonymous,” sweetie. You never were.

Dear NSA:

What’s the best way to impress a potential employer and perhaps score an interview?


Dear Ambitious:

First, in your cover letter you spelled “excellence” wrong. Second, get better neckties – those paisley ones are just ridiculous. And third, forget it: the Powers That Be have ordained that you are to remain unemployed until mid-2015. Sorry. Also, just because it annoys us, quit putting a double space after each sentence. One just doesn’t do that anymore.

Dear NSA:

My neighbors’ dog constantly leaves droppings on my property, and the owners feign ignorance and neglect to clean up. How can I best insist that this stop, without jeopardizing our otherwise friendly relationship?


Dear Connecticut:

It might help if you stop vindictively flinging the doggy deposits into their back yard when you think no one can see you.

Dear NSA:

Could you publish that inspirational poem from the woman who lost a daughter to terminal illness?


Dear Dubuque:

No. Have you no respect for boundaries? People hate that treacle.


Written by Thag

January 23, 2014 at 2:29 pm

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