Study: Holy Cow, You’re An Idiot
The study, which examined data from the last seven years, looked at the number of times you have made the manifestly wrong decision despite having all the pertinent information readily available. By comparison with a control group, the scientists were able to determine that you apparently fell out of the Stupid tree and hit your head multiple times on the way down.
“The data real do not bear out any other conclusion,” said Yuri Nalisses, who authored the study with seven of his colleagues at the University of California at Los Angeles. He said the team was surprised not so much by the extent of your stupidity as by its persistence.
“We have here someone who couldn’t reason their way out of a paper bag,” he emphasized with a shake of the head. “And yet somehow the government deems this person capable not only of voting, but of reproducing, serving on a jury, and holding public office. It’s mind-boggling” just how moronic you are, he said.
The team will publish the full study in next month’s issue of the journal Intelligence, a publication far beyond your capacity to find edifying, which is a word you have never understood, and never will.
An earlier study in 2009 found that while you were not the sharpest card in the deck, you could still manage to maintain a line of reasonably aware conversation, and possessed a passable level of self-awareness. That came on the heels of 2005 research that yielded a more ambiguous outcome: it indicated that you had no capacity whatsoever to discuss important political or societal issues, but could hold vast amounts of data regarding various baseball players of the mid-late 1980’s, which, let’s face it, only an idiot would do.
The earlier study called out for more analysis, as the apparent mastery of the significance of statistics and the ability to compute a batting average could serve a person well in other areas of life, but, inexplicably, you never applied those skills in any other context. Thus the 2009 study was born, but it continued to raise more questions that it answered. You clearly had the ability to remember names and faces, and even cultivate certain relationships, but your grasp of long-term consequences had yet to be demonstrated, pointing the way toward deeming you an imbecile.
The most recent study, says Nalisses, assessed far more data than the other two combined, leaving no doubt that you are among the dimmest bulbs ever to darken a room. This does not mean, he cautions, that you are fated to live a life of misery, as intelligence often has little bearing on one’s quality of life, or success as it is classically measured.
The researchers suggested pursuing a career in either politics or art criticism, fields in which intelligence is more often a handicap than an advantage.