Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

God Admits Creation Of Celery A Joke

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celery cross-sectionJerusalem (AP) – The Almighty convened a press conference this afternoon to admit that He created celery in a fit of silliness, but found that the way humans treated it as food was so entertaining that only when the joke got old could He bring Himself to reveal it.

Initially the family of celery plants were relegated to the countryside with myriad other rejects from the Lord’s experimental phase; many such species died out eons before humans developed. But as early as the second millennium BCE, humans were already treating celery – at least celery seeds – as either medicine or as food, and God was so tickled He decided to see how long people would keep falling for it.

The Greeks proved willing dupes, introducing the horticultural freak into the Mediterranean diet and ensuring a place for the joke vegetable on the European table until today. Some British football (soccer) fans have even adopted celery as part of their subculture, hurling pieces of the green during matches.

“It was amusing unto Me that My human creations found such succor in celery,” the Lord told reporters at the King David Hotel. “For when I did create it, it was to demonstrate to [archangel] Gabriel that Nature would in fact tolerate a combination of blandness and annoying stringiness.” The Eternal Father also revealed several other creations that resulted from the friendly heavenly sparring with Gabriel: the okapi; Piltdown Man; sulfurous hot springs; David Hasselhoff.

Cel RayThe joke was beginning to lose its novelty in the heavenly realms until the twentieth century, when some humans began claiming that celery was a negative-calorie food, meaning that the body used more energy digesting it than it received from the vegetable. “People still fall for that one,” chuckled the Almighty. But the Lord’s favorite aspect of human stupidity through the prism of celery is the niche popularity of celery-flavored soda, which has enjoyed a following since 1868 in select areas of Brooklyn and Florida.

“Of course it’s Brooklyn and Florida,” said the Lord with a smile. “Outside of Washington, those two areas have the highest concentration of sheep-like idiots.” The only reason the West Coast does not qualify for the distinction is the distribution of the dupes across a much larger area.

It was time to let the cat out of the bag, said God, as He could no longer tolerate this particular human foible. “Holocaust and genocides are one thing, but at least those have causes that can be explained and explored,” noted the Creator. “Whereas celery should have no place in the divine plan for history.”

The Lord refused to answer more than a few questions from journalists, explaining that he had to attend a conference on the worthiness of quinoa to continue existing.


Written by Thag

December 7, 2013 at 8:42 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , , , ,

One Response

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  1. Honestly, this has got to be one of your best ones yet. Fucking hilarious. Excuse my language.

    Trent Lewin

    December 8, 2013 at 4:46 am

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