Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

CDC: Nothing Wrong With Gluten; ‘Man Up’

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CDCAtlanta (AP) – Urging Americans to grow a pair, the Centers for Disease Control has issued new dietary recommendations yesterday that dismiss widespread concern over gluten in grains.

A two-decade study of dietary components and human physiology have led the CDC to conclude that, “the all-too-common assumption that the human body is somehow incapable of properly processing gluten – principally wheat gluten – has no scientific basis and rests solely on the documented increasing wussiness of the average American.” The study authors aim withering criticism at the purveyors and promoters of so-called “organic” foodstuffs, reserving their harshest words for those who blame the staple grain of wheat for their ills.

“Essentially, the entire anti-gluten ‘movement,’ for lack of a better term, is, to put it bluntly, full of it,” the study notes. “Our ancestors had no problem with gluten, and if today’s namby-pamby population would just man up and stop complaining about made-up dietary problems, everyone would be better off.”

Gluten is a protein that forms when certain flours – especially wheat – are mixed with water. The elastic proteins form sheets that stretch and puff as dough rises, trapping carbon dioxide. In recent years increasing numbers of Americans have complained of discomfort, allergic reactions, and other ills that they associate with gluten consumption, with some dietitians even blaming the protein for causing hyperactivity, compromised immune systems, and a host of other horrors.

The CDC’s analysis points to these symptoms as the product of attention-seeking narcissists and those who wish to feel superior by virtue of abstaining from an entire range of commonly available staple products. “The segment of the population insisting on gluten-free diets has much in common with vegans,” the report notes, referring to people who abstain from eating any animal-derived products, whether for health or moral reasons, and, fairly or not, are often seen as harboring a negative judgment of those who choose otherwise. “Except that vegans can muster a coherent moral philosophy to explain their dietary sensibilities. Whereas those who would eliminate gluten from the healthy diet are forced to invent associations with problems or convince consumers that their existing ill health stems from this manifestly useful, nutritious protein.”

At press time, the CDC was distributing croissants and salt bagels.

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Written by Thag

November 28, 2013 at 2:51 pm

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