Second Coming Delayed; Jesus Distracted By Twitter
According to divine spokesman St. Peter, the Christ was scheduled to fulfill his promise of a Second Coming once the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series for the third time this millennium, a phenomenon that was all but inconceivable in previous eras. It precipitated extreme instability that the Second Coming was meant to forestall, but Jesus found himself absorbed by the messages of the Twitter accounts he follows religiously, and the links they share. As a result, the world has since experienced Typhoon Haiyan, new levels of bloodshed in Syria, hundreds of Iraq bombing deaths, irreparable environmental damage, and a host of other disasters that were not supposed to happen once Jesus returned to usher in the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth.
The Savior’s favorite Tweeters include Stephen Colbert, Conan O’Brien, Megan Amram, and a Macon, Georgia, high school sophomore named Stacy Arbuthnot who, according to Jesus, is so clueless that, “her earnest stupidity would be sad if it were’t so damn funny.” But Christ has several other sources of Twitter amusement, and those provide a steady stream of YouTube videos, Buzzfeed lists, Onion articles, satirical blog posts, and links to riveting online entertainment and games. The sheer quantity of the content ensures that Jesus will be occupied with it well into the next decade, says St. Peter.
“Even if no new content were being generated, there would be enough good stuff for the Savior to sit tight for another four or five years,” he said. “Especially when you take into account access to all sorts of newly available archival material from classic sources such as Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor.” St. Peter also noted Jesus’s fondness for outtakes from famous films.
The delay of the Final Redemption recalls earlier instances in which the resolution of all conflict was sidetracked because Christ got involved in other pursuits. Church historian Hugh Gottabee-Kidding pointed to several such instances in the fifteenth century alone. “Christ got the Hundred Years’ War to end and was about to take more obvious steps to usher in the End Times in a peaceful way, but got distracted by Gutenberg’s printing press and the ribald uses it had been put to when the master of the house wasn’t around,” he explained. “That lapse in divine attention sparked the Spanish Inquisition, which no one could have expected, and European expansion into the Americas, which caused the decimation and enslavement of the native population.” By the time Jesus finished perusing the material, the proper circumstances for his return had passed.
Similarly, notes Gottabee-Kidding, the silent films of the early twentieth century distracted the Messiah from his intention to bring peace to mankind, resulting in the First World War and worldwide influenza epidemic that took tens of millions of lives all told. Jesus thought he had licked that particular distraction when talkies hit the big time in the late 1920’s, keeping him too busy to prevent the Second World War and fifty million more horrific deaths. The Marx Brothers, in particular, produced much of the material the Christ would watch over and over, profoundly appreciating the comeuppance that the team dished out to entitled aristocrats.
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