Mightier Than The Pen

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Dept. Of Douchebaggery Extends Shirtless Jogging Season

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WeinerWashington, DC (AP) – Secretary of Douchebaggery Anthony Weiner introduced a new douchebag timetable this morning, announcing that jogging or otherwise engaging in public athletic activity while shirtless would be federally sanctioned through November and December, and resume in March. The previous schedule endorsed the behavior only from May through September. The new policy also includes updated provisions for aggressive hitting on members of the opposite sex, for selfish assertion, and for treating wait staff with open disdain.

In explaining the decision, Weiner cited feedback from douchebags across the country complaining that they have been unable to adequately foist their egos on those around them without more accommodation from the government. The Department wasted no time pushing its new changes to the front of its own internal schedule, shoving aside other measures that had been scheduled to go into effect.

The document detailing the parameters of the extended douchebag shirtless season also clarified several important terms, including the issue of “athletic activity.” Whereas until now shirtless public athletic activity had been narrowly defined to refer to actual physical exercise or associated activities such as stretching, from now on the term also includes engaging in behaviors aimed at showing off one’s body not specifically in the context of exercise. The clarification, which has long been considered a national douchebag objective, means that “athletic activity” now explicitly includes such pursuits as preening, flexing, lying in the sun, spandex, and tank-tops that might as well not be there.

Beyond the question of douchewagons’ athletic showing off, the new set of guidelines addresses douchecanoe behavior in non-athletic contexts such as restaurants or retail establishments with service staff. Douchenozzle regulations have applied to the mistreatment of wait staff in restaurants since the Department was created in 1993 when Bill Clinton ramrodded the decision through Congress, but until now the Department’s purview has not formally included verbal abuse of minimum-wage workers or littering. Additionally, douchebarrels have been more or less on their own in deciding where and when to cut to the front of long lines, use handicapped-only parking spaces, and play music from their car stereos at volumes that would explode a rhinoceros.

Weiner demonstrated another of the more precisely defined behaviors by consistently addressing one attractive Washington Post reporter and making repeated sexual advances. The reporter deflected the former Congressman’s gambit, but that did not deter him from persisting in requesting her contact information for later use.

The new capacity of the Department to regulate those areas of douchewad endeavor comes from the body’s brazen assertion of it. Weiner dismissed a reporter’s inquiry as to the basis for his department’s authority, electing to set up a full-length mirror behind the podium and, with a pair of tweezers, to pull hairs out from around his nipples, rather than answer the question. As other journalists attempted to direct further questions his way, Weiner casually left his clothes in a pile in everyone’s way, and began taking selfies in the mirror with his iPhone.

At press time, this correspondent had to file his report remotely because some douchehat had double-parked him in.

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Written by Thag

November 6, 2013 at 3:40 pm

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