Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Factory Farm Chickens Appalled At Conditions In Airline Coach

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crowdedPottsville, Iowa (AP) The chickens of Lot No. A44933BD-L7H1 at the Agriprocessors factory farm expressed revulsion today at the conditions under which humans are crowded in the coach section of civilian aircraft for transport.

Terming the practice “barbaric” and “unconscionable,” the birds called on the airline industry to immediately modify its practices to provide the humans with individual space that would meet minimum dignity requirements and food that does not demand  a complete abandonment of aesthetic and hygienic sensibilities to consume.

The pullets, which are raised for slaughter, inhabit an overcrowded facility where they are pumped with abnormally high doses of antibiotics, have their beaks removed, force fed substances they would not eat under natural circumstances, and are never allowed to venture out of their cramped pens, assailed the civilian air transportation industry for treating living, sentient creatures with the brutality and callousness that has become standard procedure in so-called “economy” class sections of passenger airplanes.

“Humans might only have marginal intelligence, but there is no justification for the cruelty inherent in subjecting any creatures to that kind of mistreatment,” said the chickens in a statement. “The economies of scale and the growing demand for human transport by air in no way excuses the utter disregard for suffering so characteristic of standard airline industry practice.”

The chickens’ statement condemned those practices, detailing the myriad ways in which the value, dignity, and basic desires of the so-called “passengers” are routinely trampled in the name of extracting a few more dollars of profit from each flight. Among the horrors, the pullets leveled especially vociferous objection at the common technique of allowing or encouraging the humans to recline their seats into the space of those behind them, thus pitting the denizens of each seat against those on front of and behind them so as to divide and conquer.

Also facing particular denunciation was the use of certain humans to provide so-called “service” to the rest of the population of the cabin, forcing them into an antagonistic relationship, as under the circumstances there is no feasible way to provide adequate attention, provisions, and assistance to the many sardine-like travelers. As a result, the anger and frustration of both groups increase, further increasing the misery of those subjected to the conditions.

Airline industry representatives have long insisted that the practices are necessary to maintain profitability of the air travel industry, and that only through volume can the airlines hope to recoup the investment necessary to engage in the business. The chickens and other critics have challenged the necessity of many of the prevalent practices, noting that, for instance, it would not significantly increase costs to provide the humans with suitable entertainment or food made from something other than completely synthetic ingredients.

“The poor creatures are subjected to violation of dignity that no feeling creature can countenance,” concluded the statement. “And then they have to deal with their luggage.”


Written by Thag

October 29, 2013 at 2:55 pm

One Response

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  1. Your wit is both scathing and accurate, not to mention hilarious. Poor prescient chickens… and worse still the humans crammed into our contraptions.

    Trent Lewin

    October 30, 2013 at 2:52 am

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