Experts To Confirm Internet Addiction Exists As Soon As They Check FB Again
Charlotte, North Carolina (AP) – Mental health professionals studying the pathology and incidence of internet addiction are set to announce that it is a bona fide psychiatric phenomenon, right after they go onto Facebook and Twitter again just to check a couple of things.
In a landmark study involving more than 2,000 social media users, researchers were unable to meet their data collection objectives because they were too busy using the very platforms they were commissioned to study, all while denying they were in any way dependent on their obvious attachment to them.
“We can quit at any time,” insisted the researchers, asserting that Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Tumblr, and several other interactive media outlets were simply necessary tools to help them manage their extensive professional and personal lives.
“Nothing untoward should be inferred from the research team’s frequent use of interactive web content,” wrote the study’s lead author in a comment on YouTube. Several colleagues upvoted the comment, while others responded with links to YouTube featuring political commentary, satire, TED Talks, sports bloopers, pranks, cats, baby tricks, music videos, cartoon episodes, GLEE songs, and stand-up comedy routines.
An addiction is a self-perpetuating set of behaviors that cycles between an activity that stimulates of the brain’s reward centers and the emotional low that follows after the positive feelings fade a short time later. To regain the sense of purpose, achievement, or confidence, the addict then engages in further such behavior, often to a self-destructive extent. The researchers noted that they will present convincing documentation that the phenomenon includes the use of the internet, and that it is a very real addiction pathology, but of course they, personally, are not addicts.
“Would you please stop bothering us while we’re trying to work here?” said researcher Dopa Meane, as she shared an amusing political cartoon on Facebook for the 77th time today. “It’s not Facebook that’s getting in my way – it’s you. I can’t work when you’re here. I just do this to help me relax between paragraphs in the research paper.” The write-up in question has so far sat as an untouched Microsoft Word document since its first three sentences were written early last week.