Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Man On Day 2 Of Diet Disappointed With Results So Far

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evolutionary dietDecatur, Georgia (AP) – Local resident Glen Woods has been restricting his intake of fatty and sugary foods since Monday morning, and asserts that he remains unimpressed by his weight loss to date.

Woods, 38, had noticed in recent months that his waistline, belly, and backside regions had grown more ample than he remembered, and resolved to undertake a diet and exercise routine to help him drop the excess mass and volume. After a false start or two during a high-calorie, low-exercise, three-week-long, family trip to New York in August, the inventory specialist eventually decided to limit his intake of food to 1500 calories per day, and to exercise three times a week for at least 25 minutes. In the almost 48 hours since he embarked on this new lifestyle, Woods admits he has not lost anywhere near all the weight he expected.

“Nothing,” he said, looking with irritated surprise at his bathroom scale. “It’s still at 165 pounds.” The five-foot-ten Woods joined a gym not far from his place of business, and has so far completed one workout session. “I’ve been pushing myself hard, and really cutting back on the snacking. Even my meals are kind of token, maybe 300 calories. I really thought by now I’d have something to show for it.”

Woods remains uncertain how long he can maintain the austere food intake and the demanding exercise schedule if he does not notice their effects. “I suppose I could attribute some of the weight not lost to the reduction in fat and a slight gain in muscle mass,” he reasoned. “I mean, muscle is what, eight times as dense as fat? That must be it,” he continued, “but in that case I’d expect to find my clothes a little looser on me.”

“Well, I guess the fat was just taken from all over the place, not only where I notice it most,” Woods concluded.

The father of two devoted most of the time in his only workout so far to catching his breath between exercises. “My abs are really working hard,” Woods was heard to remark after taking five minutes to complete four sets of three tummy-crunches, a number that should take perhaps twenty seconds. “And I got out of breath from all those reps I did at the rowing machine,” he added, forgetting that most of his time on that machine was spent idly watching the newscast on the TV screens facing him.

Woods promised his wife she would see results within a short time. Jenny Woods smiled and pictured a slimmer, more vigorous Glenn, before recalling his short-lived commitments to washing the dishes immediately after every meal and to getting to bed before 11 pm every night.

“I can’t wait,” she deadpanned.


Written by Thag

October 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

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