Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

TMI Dept. Releases Data On No. Of Used Tampons In Restroom

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underwearWashington, DC (AP) – The Department of Too Much Information has published its findings on the contents of wastebaskets in its bathroom facilities, and preliminary analysis of the data indicates an increase during the last year in the number of women menstruating at any given time.

Last year the Department counted 45 used tampons and other menstruation-related products in the wastebaskets of the women’s rooms at its headquarters during the month of July. This year, that figure increased by 12. The preliminary report does not provide a detailed treatment of the number of such products that were flushed down the toilet in violation of Department restroom policy. Flushing tampons or pads down the toilet can clog the plumbing system, which you discovered several months ago when your prim old aunt was visiting and fell victim to a sewage deluge that resulted from your disposal of those products in the toilet.

The increase in on-the-job menstruation appears unrelated to the number of women currently employed at the Department’s headquarters, says TMI spokeswoman Ima Noversharer. “Our staff has remained more or less the same since last year’s numbers were collated, and I’ve got this awful case of hemorrhoids.”

Last month’s report focused on the number of used tissues and the color of the mucus they contained, but it was the first such instance of such data collection, so there are no previous figures against which to compare them. They will, however, serve as a benchmark for future collations. The next used-tissue collection and analysis is scheduled for November, followed again by regular such analyses every five months. The report also includes a map of every booger wiped on every underside of every desk and chair in the headquarters, with charts and graphs to track color, size, moistness, adhesion, and, where possible, the identity of the provider.

Advances in DNA testing have allowed that last item to be accomplished more affordably than when such a proposal was first made eight years ago. At the time, researchers had to painstakingly gather each booger sample for time-consuming lab tests, whereas now, a simple swab of the substance in question can provide all the necessary data and does not disturb the booger’s final resting place.

The May report featured a detailed description of the benign, yet unsightly, cyst on the side of the nose of the head security guard in the East Wing of the headquarters complex. Updates on the cyst, plus additional sightings of other deviations from the normative aesthetic, will be a regular feature of reports starting in December, when Secretary of Too Much Information Don Sayett is scheduled to have an embarrassingly public bout of dysentery,

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Written by Thag

August 21, 2013 at 5:22 am

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