Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

NIH: Children’s Allergies Mean You Are a Failure As A Parent

with 4 comments

Don't sneeze.

Don’t sneeze.

Bethesda, MD (AP) – The National Institutes of Health has released a new study linking parenting failures with children who suffer from allergies.

Covering research spanning more than two decades, the most recent study reviews and analyzes more than 600 surveys and clinical initiatives involving children living with at least one parent. It catalogs the steep documented rise in the incidence of allergies among children and correlates it with the manifest decline in parenting competence since the Baby Boomer generation’s children began having children themselves.

To ensure that the correlation actually indicated causation and that the link was not the result of third factor, the researchers investigated the prevalence of bad parenting before and after the documented increase in children’s allergies. They found that bad parenting practices increased by a significant margin several years before the spike in allergies.

NixonCertain environmental allergies had always been relatively common, such as hay fever and, to a lesser extent, some dietary allergies, such as dairy or nuts. But in the seventies, eighties and nineties, as exposure to disco, cable television, George Steinbrenner, bell-bottoms, the British royal family, platform shoes, Prince, My Little Pony, the 1972 Presidential campaign, Mike Tyson, the acting in the MacGyver series, and myriad other evils increased and parents failed to adequately shield their children from those malignant influences, the incidence of allergies began to rise. It increased steadily through the nineties and into the first decade of the twenty-first century as parent continued to knowingly allow their children prolonged encounters with such harmful forces as Lindsay Lohan, Dubstep, a New York Rangers Stanley Cup, George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, and Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey flavor ice cream.

Today, nearly one in four children suffers from an allergy of some kind. According to the NIH report, “this phenomenon can only be attributed to the atrocious parenting exhibited over the last several decades.” The report noted that outside the US, where the aforementioned pernicious influences are much less intense or prevalent, allergy rates are much lower. “In other developed countries, such as Israel or most of Western Europe, the frequency of life-threatening allergic reaction to peanut butter is close to nonexistent,” the researchers noted, pointing out that, for example, Keanu Reeves films and anchovy pizza remain only mildly popular in those locations.

The NIH has yet to formulate public policy guidelines as a result of these findings. Harvard University Professor of Public Policy Barkeen Guptha Wrongtree explains that a good number of the officials who would have to approve, implement, or oversee such a policy are themselves part of the problem, not least because of their own demonstrated failings as parents.


Written by Thag

July 31, 2013 at 2:30 pm

4 Responses

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  1. Hey man, I’m not sure if it’ll lead to any increased traffic for you but I’ve set up a links section at the bottom of my blog for the other blogs I find very entertaining.

    Seriously, I love your work and only wish that I could write like this. Am doing a post tomorrow and I’ll direct people to the links at the end of it. If they choose not to check it out… their loss.

    PS – Feel free not to approve this comment. I just didn’t know how else to get in touch.

    Sean Smithson

    July 31, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    • Thanks, man. I actually visited your page today and saw you had a link to my quinoa article. Did you mean to refer only to that one, or to the home page?


      July 31, 2013 at 4:12 pm

      • Yeah I did that deliberately as that shit had me in stitches so I figured it was a good one for people to see what you’re all about. Then they could surf your site as they wished.

        Happy to change it to the home page if you want though man?

        Sean Smithson

        July 31, 2013 at 4:15 pm

        • I leave it to your wisdom. You clearly have good taste…


          July 31, 2013 at 4:46 pm

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