Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Bono Has Scaled Mountains, Walls; Still Hasn’t Found What He’s Looking For

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Joshua TreeLos Angeles, July 29 (AP) – Despite years of intense effort, the lead singer of one of the world’s most successful rock bands has still not located the object of his quest.

U2’s vocalist Bono has ascended steep slopes leading to extreme altitudes with the averred single purpose of spending time in your presence. To the same end he has sprinted or jogged across numerous open areas in rural or countryside settings.

Perhaps realizing that the above locations were ill-suited to fulfilling his desire, Bono conducted the same activities elsewhere: first he moved quickly on foot, irrespective of location, and when that mode of transportation proved inappropriate, got down on all fours and proceeded thus. He also made vertical advances, specifically going up the municipal ramparts, with the same aim as before.

As of this writing, however, he has yet to succeed in obtaining what he set out to find, and he has made repeated verbal observation to that effect.

Changing tacks, Bono attempted to achieve his goal by romantic means, notably some sweet-tasting osculation and receiving therapeutic touch from the digits of a female he has so far declined to identify. The result, he recalls, left a caustic sensation accompanied by lust.

Moving on to other realms to continue the pursuit, Bono conversed with both heavenly beings and at least one denizen of the underworld – perhaps Lucifer himself – and recalls that although the atmosphere remained of high kinetic energy even after sundown, he nevertheless experienced a drop in body temperature, or at least the perception of it.

Despite these efforts, as before, Bono has yet to locate the target of his quest, and he would tell you so again.

Turning an eschatological eye toward the future, the vocalist and social activist sees fit to proclaim his faith in the advent of an ideal, post-historic era when differences and conflicts will be erased, but for some reason his clinging to this belief has not relieved him of the need to continue moving forward quickly in his quest.

Now Bono addresses your actions directly, noting that you have undone certain restraints and removed fetters, in addition to wielding a symbolic crucifix simultaneous with his embarrassment, a fact that evidently carries so much emotional weight that he repeats it. He also asserts that you were aware of his credulity at the time.

Apparently, all of this psychological upheaval has made the vocalist somewhat distraught. At press time, he was repeating, ad nauseam, that he has yet to successfully lay eyes on the object of his search.


Written by Thag

July 29, 2013 at 2:04 pm

One Response

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  1. First he moved quickly on foot… hilarious stuff. Poor Bono. One day perhaps poor guy.

    Trent Lewin

    July 29, 2013 at 2:07 pm

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