Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Ugly Scientists: Unattractive Men Make Better Mates

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bagheadPrinceton, New Jersey (AP) – A new study by ugly Princeton University researchers points to myriad benefits from dating or marrying an unattractive man, writes a team of scientists in the journal Health Insights and Developments in Emotional, Occupational and Utilitarian Settings (HIDEOUS).

The HIDEOUS study, to be published in August, lists eleven positive factors proven to exist in a relationship with an ugly man, plus eighteen more suggested by the data, but which warrant further study to confirm. According to the study authors, the results obtain across a wide range of demographics and socioeconomic sectors, especially, the study authors note, among those residing in the central and southern New Jersey area.

Among the factors contributing to a better relationship, says the article, are less stress in competition among females for unattractive men; realistic expectations among such men as to the qualities and appearance of female mates; and the convenience of finding any number of such available men within a half-hour’s driving radius of the greater Princeton area – which, the study notes, includes the major New Jersey suburbs of Philadelphia.

Scientists discreetly observed more than one hundred couples over a period of four months, cataloging both the multiple obvious problems present when the man was attractive, and the manifest advantages of the several instances in which a non-attractive man was a member of a romantic couple. The researchers stressed that in no way were they looking for problems with the handsome men,  certainly not the problems that could not possibly be observed from an anonymous distance.

However, noted lead author N. V. Greenwith, certain external manifestations of personal defects are visible to the keen observer, and which should not under any circumstances be confused with wishful speculation. “It was obvious, to us at least, that certain attire such as a Yankees baseball cap over a well-proportioned face, or a T-shirt that revealed an impressive physique, meant that the wearer was probably impotent or insufficiently endowed to properly satisfy a woman,” he explained.

Similar observations applied to well-coiffed hair, which the study noted is associated with a tendency toward domestic abuse, and you could look it up, as well as stylish dress, which the researchers point out is usually symptomatic of certain virulent sexually transmitted diseases.

“This study could revolutionize the dating world,” said Dr. Rhee Jekt of Columbia University, who was not involved in the study. “Intelligent women would be well advised to pay attention to this clear pattern, and make their romantic choices wisely,” he advised

“Especially that hot number over in the Butler Library,” he concluded.


Written by Thag

July 6, 2013 at 11:31 pm

One Response

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  1. Awesome. There is hope for us yet.

    Trent Lewin

    July 7, 2013 at 12:05 am

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