Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Shark Sick of Being Jumped

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jumping the sharkLos Angeles, CA (AP) – Glenn, a mako shark, has grown tired of the constant stream of pop culture elements leaping over his head on their way into  terminal decline. He intends to recruit a team of other marine predators to prevent any further attempts.

In an exclusive interview with Mightier than the Pen, Glenn recalled the initial positive response he had to the first occasion, a 1977 episode of Happy Days in which a water skiing Henry Winkler character leaps over the shark. The moment later became the prototype for the point at which a phenomenon has lost its freshness.

“I always liked that first one,” said Glenn. “The Fonz was a sweet guy, and the novelty of the situation will always be special to me. But it just got old after that,” and now the phenomenon simply aggravates him. Ironically, Happy Days continued successfully for several more seasons after the shark-jumping episode, a fact that simply irritates Glenn even more.

To make matters worse, says the shark, in the wake of the skiing incident, people began trying to identify earlier such occasions, forcing Glenn into situations in which he had no interest in participating. “Some people want to retrofit me into Shakespeare’s works, as if it were all downhill after The Taming of the Shrew,” he lamented.

To stem the tide of shark-jumpers, Glenn and several hundred friends have established a committee to discuss what can be done to prevent further annoyance at the skis of more and more creative doldrums. One proposal, submitted by an orca named Phil, suggests sabotaging naval vessels of various military powers to instigate a major war. In the ensuing conflict, the orca hopes, hundreds of millions of humans will perish and both the audience and pool of creative individuals will be reduced.

A second idea now being mooted involves a strategic anti-plankton and anti-algae effort. The resulting lack of photosynthesizing creatures would bring about a more rapid rise in global temperatures as more and more atmospheric carbon dioxide would remain. At a certain point, argues the proponents, the climatic upheaval would destroy human culture, the only source of shark-jumping. The latter proposal has numerous opponents and is unlikely to be adopted; too many cold-weather species rely on the global temperature remaining stable.

Yet a third possibility would have all the sea creatures finally end the charade of pretending they are not sentient and capable of communicating with humans, and engage people directly in hopes of eliminating the phenomenon. Of the three proposals, this one remains the least popular, as it involves actual interaction with humans.

Continued discussion of the issue has actually generated annoyance from a number of marine quarters. “Enough about this already,” said Edwina, a coral in the Great Barrier Reef. “As far as I’m concerned, the phrase ‘jump the shark’ is on the decline anyway – it’s already – well, you know.”

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Written by Thag

June 3, 2013 at 11:16 am

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