Mightier Than The Pen

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Not to Be Outdone by Arkansas Abortion Ban, Kansas Outlaws Maturbation

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The Great Seal of Kansas.

The Great Seal of Kansas.

Topeka, Kansas, March 7 (AP) – Following the Arkansas legislature’s adoption of a ban on abortions after 12 weeks of pregnancy, Kansas has gone even further to protect the rights of the unborn, prohibiting the very act of male ejaculation anywhere that cannot result in pregnancy. As a safety measure, any stimulation or arousal of a penis not in the context of actual vaginal intercourse with a fertile woman will be punishable by fines or imprisonment.

“This is a historic day for the unborn,” said Governor Sam Brownback at a ceremony signing the bill into law. “Kansas now leads the way in protecting the most vulnerable among us, so small as to be unseen, but no less deserving of the chance to grow and develop into contributing members of society.”

An estimated 400 quadrillion sperm cells are issued from men each day, only a tiny fraction of which actually end up reaching an egg cell to fertilize it, according to Long Peters, director of the Organization for the Non-conceived And Non-born (ONAN). “Just because a person doesn’t have the full complement of chromosomes in each cell does not mean that person is unworthy of legal protection,” he said. “This achievement is a milestone in the fight for the sanctity of life.”

ONAN lobbied Kansas’s Republican-dominated legislature heavily in support of the ban. Opponents called the law impractical and unenforceable, but Governor Brownback brushed away the criticism. “Just because we cannot prevent every crime does not mean we should refrain from preventing any crime at all,” he said to cheers from fellow Republicans.

Kansas has been at the forefront of the struggle to protect the unborn. Kansans rallied to close the only clinic in the region that performed late-term pregnancy terminations, resulting in the killing of the physician who performed the procedure and keeping the facility closed for years. Long credits the state’s simple commitment to life with the sweeping success of the legislation.

Governor Brownback and ONAN representatives also announced an initiative to draft further legislation to protect the unconceived. Already, several loopholes in the current law are drawing attention of legislators, who vow to engage the cooperation of neighboring states in ensuring that would-be masturbators do not simply cross into, for example, Nebraska or Oklahoma to spill their seed.

A second bill, proposing penalties for any woman who menstruates, is currently in committee, a law that would make failure to fertilize the potential embryo the legal equivalent of criminally negligent homicide. As a precaution, girls approaching puberty would be required by law to undergo weekly tests to detect approaching ovulation. The bill is currently held up because Republican legislators must find a way to protect the unfertilized ovum from losing viability, but must also find a way to mandate that the young girls engage in the necessary sexual intercourse only in the context of marriage, a provision that would require a serious rewrite of myriad other statutes.

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Written by Thag

March 7, 2013 at 4:45 pm

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