Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Congress Specifically Excludes Fat People from Antidiscrimination Protection

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A moving target, say the marketers, but not very far.

A moving target, say the marketers, but not very far.

Washington, DC (AP) – Today the House of Representatives passed a measure already ratified in the Senate last week specifically removing the overweight from the classes of people that federal law protects against discrimination. The vote passed both houses by large margins.

The Americans Demand Immediate Pillorying Of Sizes Excessive (ADIPOSE) Act, sponsored by Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY), initially got stuck in committee, but eventually lawmakers found a way to force its passage in that forum. The bill’s momentum ensured that it would roll right through the remaining legislative hurdles. President Obama is expected to sign the bill into law this week, in keeping with First Lady Michelle Obama’s recent devotion to promoting physical fitness and proper nutrition among American youth.

“It’s a big day for Americans,” said Schumer. “No longer will we be forced to squeeze ourselves into the confines of political correctness run amok. From now on, employers in every sector of the economy and society can reject applicants because they are slovenly, obese creatures.”

Heavy opposition initially blocked the bill in its early stages, as fast food giants threw their weight around. The industry fears that open discrimination against the overweight will adversely affect its cash cow market. In the end, however, Senate Democrats managed to force a vote by threatening to bring in Richard Simmons to address Congress, and last-minute holdouts relented when a life-size poster of a shirtless William Howard Taft was unveiled.

Fast-food industry spokesmen said the companies they represent are considering their next steps, but concede that their advertising already insults the intelligence of their biggest customers, and that outright, in-your-face discrimination constitutes only a small shift from the current marketing strategy. “Like our largest market segment, our strategy doesn’t need to move very much,” noted Martin Biggs, an attorney for Taco Bell, Denny’s and several other national fast-food chains.

“In fact the new law might solve more problems for my clients than it causes,” mused Biggs. “They can continue to serve fattening food to their clientele till the cows come home, all while hiring only svelte staff to maintain employee morale – because, let’s face it, there’s not much more to hope for from a McJob.”

Already, several McDonald’s franchises in the DC area have rolled out policies in keeping with the new, looser regulations. A branch in the Market Square neighborhood had a seven-foot-tall, five-foot-wide cardboard cutout of the Happy Meal character Grimace, holding a sign that said: To Eat Here You May Not Be As Fat As This Sign.

The National Association for Overweight Americans did not return calls requesting a response. Their outgoing voice mail message said, “We are currently evaluating our options: either fight this thing all the way to the supreme court, or – you know, let’s get real. There’s no way we can get into the Supreme Court. Do you have any idea how far it is from the parking lot to the front entrance?”

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Written by Thag

March 3, 2013 at 2:38 pm

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