Bureau of Bureaucracies Issues New Inefficiency Standards
Washington, DC (AP) – The Federal Bureau of Bureaucracies released a new set of inefficiency guidelines today, the first comprehensive overhaul of the sprawling set of overlapping jurisdictions and redundancies in at least two years. The new rules will take effect on or about June 31, pending approval of the necessary forms by the Commission to Reform Idiotic Paperwork-Emitting Standards (CRIPES), which has yet to receive them.
The new standards were the result of a nationwide study in 2009 indicating that more than 35% of public-sector bureaucracies were still providing service to the citizen or customer in a timely and minimally aggravating manner. Under the previous system, enacted in 2000 but not implemented until 2010 because of miscommunication among various bodies with incompatible systems, the maximum proportion of non-dissatisfied bureaucracy users was eight percent.
Taika Number, who conducted that study, explained that enforcement of the aggravation minimum was a serious challenge, as the body charged with enforcement, the Department of Eternal Languishing And Yearning (DELAY), had to adhere to its own strict inefficiency standards. “We actually had to disconnect some agents’ phones because they were returning calls within two business days,” she recalled. “Fortunately, we hired some overpriced consultants to crash multiple computer systems across the country, and things got back to normal.”
Under the new rules, two identical agencies will be established, both called the Department of Redundancies Department, which will have several responsibilities.
Chief among them will be conducting audits of bureaucracies, which will be required to keep every document in triplicate on file. As part of this requirement, every office will be required to maintain photocopying machines in multiples of three, and digital scans of the documents will not be acceptable. The latter provision remains in force from the previous system, and adheres to the Outdated Bureaucracy System of Office Letter Execution Torpedoing Ensurance (OBSOLETE). OBSOLETE mandates that no aspect of bureaucratic technology may be fewer than twenty-five years behind current standards.
A second function of the Department of Redundancies Departments will be to conduct overlapping Take Your Time training programs for clerks and back-office personnel, and drill them in the misplacement and erroneous filing of documents.
The bodies will also create and maintain conflicting systems for handling visitors, and issue confusing rules. One department will cover Motor Vehicle Bureaus, welfare agencies and unemployment and IRS offices. The other will cover welfare agencies, IRS offices, Motor Vehicle Bureaus (which it will call the Department of Motor Vehicles, and recognize no other name as valid) and customer service at major utilities and insurance providers.
Ann Arkey is slated to head one of the Department of Redundancy Departments, but until CRIPES approves the new standards, which one she will direct is still unclear. She has ambitious plans for the bureaucracies under her supervision, such as a Frustration Index that determines which visitors are the ripest for being shunted from window to window and which ones are most likely to escalate mild altercations over a forfeited place in line into full-fledged fistfights.
“I also want to develop a program to keep our information desks at peak unhelpfulness,” she said, “and there’s really only one thing standing in the way right now. CRIPES.”
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