Obama Gleefully Awaits Senate Rejection of Schadenfreude Secretary Appointment
Washington DC (AP) – President Obama named Republican Mitt Romney to head the Department of Schadenfreude today, and fully expects the Senate to reject the move. The appointment marks the latest in a series of embarrassments for the defeated presidential candidate, episodes in which the reelected chief executive apparently takes pleasure.
Outgoing Schadenfreude Secretary Paris Hilton will stay on until an appropriate replacement can be found. The Democrat-controlled Senate, which must approve all Presidential appointments, is extremely unlikely to allow Romney to gain validation of any sort, which , according to analysts, is exactly the point.
“The President has been reveling in kicking Romney in the teeth since right after the first debate,” said David Axelrod, an Obama adviser and confidante. “And he instinctively senses that the American people in general feel the same way – that no amount of shame heaped upon that entitled, out-of-touch, sexist, mercurial, pandering plutocrat is too much shame.”
The Department of Schadenfreude administers the joy Americans feel at the misfortune of others. Its main efforts are focused on ensuring that news items about public figures or celebrities caught in unsavory or illegal acts garner the media attention they deserve, guaranteeing an adequate supply of schadenfreude for American consumers. Its most successful initiative by far has been the creation of reality TV, which both creates and feeds demand for clips of celebrities engaging in activities or making statements that would humiliate Americans with an actual brain or conscience.
Axelrod noted that the department could continue to function without a formally appointed secretary, as it did for years under Reagan and Bush, but at the time the sitting President provided enough schadenfreude on his own. Reagan, memorably, testified before a Congressional committee that he did not know what his own foreign policy was, and Bush vomited all over the Japanese Prime Minister and expressed astonishment at everyday supermarket technology encountered by normal people who know what it means to do an honest day’s work and maintain a household without teams of paid servants. Obama, however, exhibits notable self-control and had an unprivileged upbringing, factors that severely limit the intensity of schadenfreude that he can personally generate, except among certain Tea Party voters. Those voters account for an increasingly less significant portion of the American schadenfreude audience, according to census data.
Secretary Hilton’s stint as Secretary of Schadenfreude has been called a letdown by some critics, most of whom cite Hilton’s rise to schadenfreude prominence as an auspicious beginning to what could have been a storied career of public relations train wrecks for the heiress, but turned out to be a one-hit wonder – though that hit still draws occasional attention among a select audience. Columnist Liz Smith observed as much after Hilton’s appointment four years ago, saying that the American public had already reached the point beyond which empathy and mere prurient interest far outpaced the thrill people feel when the hotel chain heiress’s recorded escapades are mentioned.
Other names that have been floated among Obama advisers for the position also include Mel Gibson, Donald Trump, Bill Gates and Prince Andrew Windsor.
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