Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

World Celebrates Being One Year Closer to Sun Exploding

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sunAs the world hurtled ever closer to the transformation of the sun into a red giant that will extinguish all life on Earth with its intense heat, people celebrated the milestone with fireworks, parties, midnight kisses and song. Light shows and music punctuated the festivities, marking yet another year in the world’s inexorable path toward the agonizing, painful death of humanity and all other creatures.

The sun, a small-to-medium-sized star, is about halfway through its projected ten-billion-year life span. Unlike its much larger counterparts, it consumes its nuclear fuel at a moderate pace, making its demise less dramatic than the supernovae that destroy larger stars and have contributed to the distribution of the materials necessary for life throughout the universe. When the sun exhausts its supply of hydrogen and begins using only helium and carbon to form heavier elements through nuclear fusion, it will swell significantly, consuming the inner planets, including Earth, in the process. Liquid water will cease to exist on the planet, and with it, anything that metabolizes.

The sun itself, instead of seeding other parts of the galaxy with heavier elements necessary for life, as larger stars do in death, will gradually fade into a white dwarf and cease to contribute anything more than a bit of gravity to physical reality. According to astrophysicists, this pattern can already be seen in the futile attempts of earthlings to assign meaning to an arbitrary date; earthlings who do so are likely to lead such empty lives that their demise will be little noted beyond their small, insignificant circles of equally pathetic relatives and Facebook “friends.”

In keeping with the pathetic nature of the phenomenon, says astrophysicist Lou Zerr of Arizona State University, “the sun’s next phase can’t even be considered a proper explosion. It will expand in size but lose density, and over time, the outer layers of the red giant will simply ‘blow away’ into the cosmos.”

“If the sun were a star of major galactic significance, with a heck of a lot more mass and a higher temperature and fusion rate, we might expect a supernova,” he said, “and if there were another star around after the sun becomes a white dwarf, maybe, just maybe, there might be a nova somewhere on the horizon,” he continued, referring to a type of stellar activity unlikely to occur in a star as mediocre as the sun.

pathetic“The universe operates according to consistent rules,” observed Zerr, one of which apparently, is that the stellar mediocrity of the sun also finds expression in the utterly non-noteworthy existence of the sentient creatures celebrating its approaching death, and thus, their own.

It is more likely, however, according to Zerr, that the completely unremarkable humans engaged in such pointless activity will cease to exist long before the sun becomes a red giant, though their own sad adherence to practices associated with climate change and pollution. Those phenomena are likely to lead to the demise of humanity and any number of other Earth-bound life forms eons before the sun snuffs out the rest.

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Written by Thag

January 1, 2013 at 10:22 pm

One Response

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  1. I like this a lot. Very tongue in cheek. Nicely done!

    Camille Kellogg

    January 7, 2013 at 2:06 am

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